Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

Luckily for op we live in a country that would step in and provide a home for her, that is not a reason to stay in a controlling and abusive relationship.

OP you partner wants the luxury of a SAHM for his child but he cannot afford it. You are paying for his preference. Stop it now.

Are you much younger than your partner because you’re clearly very naive in giving him power over your life in this way!

YOU get to decide when to go back to work, not him.

Unfortunately, I suspect that you hope having another child will magically change his personality into being a supportive and sharing partner, but he has no reason to change his attitude because you always meekly acquiesce to all his demands.

He is already carefully controlling you and it is unheard of for a man like that to suddenly change type and start putting you first. IT NEVER HAPPENS!!

Except that's not what I asked. It's a separate question and doesn't help the OP now.

The OP presumed they would have fairer finances - naive but not deliberate. The partner has consciously set up their finances to benefit ONLY him. That's what I want her to see.

Problem is in situations like this, the man often says "OK, go on then" and the woman simply can't do it.

He will just continue doing what he's doing and when it comes to it, she can't just physically leave the child at home. He knows that.

It highlights how poorly women and girls are being educated. They are not being taught the pitfuls of cohabiting and having children without a shred of legal protection. If OP’s child was disabled she would be absolutely screwed.

There needs to be a nation wide campaign that highlights the risks and dangers of cohabiting. So many people think living together for x number of years equals the same rights as married people. It really doesn’t.

And all he’ll do if she “demands” that is kick her out and leave her homeless.

It's not going to get better OP, you need financial security and to ignore him.

He creates an atmosphere when he doesn't get what he wants.
Controlling

I don’t think the situation is fair on you at all.

Your partner wants you to stay at home with your child and look after the home. He gives you a roof over your head and buys the food but beyond that it sounds like you are using your own money and any financial security you had from savings has depleted. The longer you do not work, the more you are at significant financial risk, and he is giving every indication that you cannot rely on him financially.

He, on the other hand, has the benefit of someone looking after his child and home for much less cost than if he had to pay a live in nanny and cleaner. He gets to continue to build financial wealth and security.

As it stands, he wants you to bear all the risk. I really don’t think this is fair. I also think there is something deeply unpleasant about how he has left you to use up your savings while telling you he wants you to stay at home with your child. There appears to be the underlying belief that he’s doing you a favour by letting you live in the house etc and your role is not significant in terms of building financial wealth when of course it is. I do not think he sees you as equal or value the work of looking after the home and children which is somewhat depressing.

I think you need more commitment from him. I don’t think he’s operating as part of a team. You need to make decisions here to protect yourself and your child because so far he is not showing himself to be someone you can count on. Good luck.

Yep. It’s so bloody depressing.

Sorry haven’t read the full thread but have read OP posts. For me no way would this continue. I would immediately look for full time work and inform partner he will be responsible for 50% of home and childcare - either do it or pay for it. If he says he would prefer me to stay at time, yes
id love to but can’t afford to. If partner says child is too young for nursery, yes I agree but I cannot afford to stay at home. He is welcome to give up work and live of HIS savings and assets to do it until child is ready.
When he points out he pays for everything and can afford it, good for you but I can’t. I have no home, am paying no pension and have no savings. Until that changes, I must work. I also can’t afford more children for the same reasons. Also point out doing 50% of all childcare and home making will surely be no issue as if you are not currently ‘contributing’ then there is no effort or cost required! Selfish pig. I’d leave over this rather than tolerate it if I were given no other choice. The protection for your current position is marriage. If he wants to treat you as two separate individuals, you must too.

You shouldnt be considering marriage or buying a home together if its 'rocky' fullstop. Your partner isn't wrong to protect himself either. If I bought a house on my own and was in a happy relationship I would say buy a new one together but insist on having more equity because I put a lot more into the home that is fair. Once married and been together longer then the deeds could be changed. A lot of men get screwed over this way so he's sensible. If I were you I'd get a part time job and see how things go before even thinking of buying another home.

But she can’t make him do anything - she has no power at all here.

On the other hand, he can kick her out and make her homeless anytime he chooses.

A thread like this appears almost every week.

He isn’t going to do this, but yes she should definitely charge him the going rate for 24 hour childcare, housekeeping and admin role. It will be around 80k plus or more. That should cover her easily on the mortgage.

OP, this is not OK.

He's controlling you and keeping you in a position where you have very limited power and choices.

When men say things like this there is usually more to it than it being about the child's best interest. He likes having you at home because that's a situation where he is in control.

Children benefit from nursery, in so many ways. Your 2 year old is absolutely not too young and would probably love it, and it would help his/her development too.

However, if you both agree that you want your child to be at home, you need to share the burden of that - you go back part time and he cuts his hours to part time and you both spend time at home doing childcare.

It is absolutely wrong that he is trying to stop you from working if you want to.

@HannahXsanderson id tell him
marriage first then a house with your name on. Also sort his will etc accordingly.
He can’t call all the shots . He doesn’t want you working and it only suits him .

He sounds controlling .

Tbh I wouldn’t stay with him but if you do., then he needs to provide that security for you not to work.
Access to the finances . As he is doing the bare minimum .
You would be better off working living alone and claiming maintenance

If this is truly her situation, and it might well be - then she is in an abusive relationship and needs to be gathering an exit fund and fast.

There are ways in which she can do so, and I would strongly recommend she leaves as soon as it’s safe to do so. In this country you will not be homeless if you leave an abusive relationship. There are options wide open to her.

If she wishes to do things in an orderly way, then the first step is to rebuild her savings by ensuring she saves as much of the housekeeping money as possible - whilst looking for a job in earnest. Once that’s secure she can move out.

I agree it’s not simple, it’s not impossible either.

Too late now, but the correct response when he said you shouldn't work until your shared child was 3 but he would not be supporting you financially or offering any security, was a. not to give up work and b. to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he got there fuck off some more.

Never allow someone else to dictate your financial indepence and security.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/a-guide-to-living-together-and-the-law/

I suggest you read this guide very carefully to fully understand your total lack of protection as an unmarried, unemployed partner.

As PP have said, this man does not have your best interests of security at heart, he apparently doesn't even care that you're the mother of HIS child.

You need to get a FT job, make him pay proportionally to income for everything child related, and start looking at how you can secure your own financial future ASAP. Good luck. xx

I’m not leaving those things out. It’s more that the OP has no control over those things but she did have control over who to have a baby with and whether or not she stays with him. Some posters are making out that she is completely helpless but she has got choices about what she does now.

If he won't put you on the deeds to the house because he says you're not financially contributing, then ask him to pay you a full time salary for the services which you provide - childcare, housecare etc. This isn't just a 35 hour week, it's probably double. So I'd ask him for a salary of 45k pa if he won't put you on the house deeds.

I'd also consider leaving. Saying that you aren't contributing is a big red flag (or straight up stupidity). You are contributing a massive amount and as well, you are facilitating him working.

When at the end of this relationship you walk away with nothing, you'll only have yourself to blame.

OP also chose to have a baby knowing she wasn’t married or on the deeds to the house she was living in though - hasn’t she also put her child in a precarious position?