Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

Does he want to get married and this is his way of forcing your arm? If not, just go back to work and make a stronger financial position for yourself and plot your escape. It doesn't sound like a love match if he's happy to have a child with and insist you dont work ... but then gives you and your child - his child - no rights whatsoever.

He doesn’t have his family’s interests at heart only his own. And of course he doesn’t want child in nursery yet as means more financial contributions from his good salary which he’d rather keep. But at the same time beating up on OP for not really directly ‘financially’ contributing. This man is a right turn off for me.

@HannahXsanderson agree with PP advice to not have any more kids with him. Your focus now that he’s shown you who he is, is to focus on personal financial independence. Once DC is in nursery, seize every second to get on the career ladder. Your gut tells you he has no regard for your financial or future security so empower yourself now please. The years fly by so quickly and you want to make sure you’re putting in steps now to build a career with hopefully a good private pension - same as that which your husband is likely already contributing to.

So many women, give in to their urges to have more kids or get further trapped because their partner promises x, y and z once they have another child, once she’s bought that child up to nursery age, then he’ll marry her, support her with her career and so many times it never materialises and the mother is left financially crippled as well as vulnerable and even if the home is split it’s not enough to purchase a property alone. It just becomes a mess. I hope you’re able to take charge of your one life and can have a happy secure life with DC.

Because men and society have successfully convinced women that marriage is just a pointless piece of paper. Not cool or trendy. It's for boring middle aged women.

"There is no such thing as a common-law wife" needs to be put on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

This.

You need to tell him that you are going back to work because you are financially vulnerable right now.

He wants you at home without money and without security? Fuck that. Don't be foolish.

Why on earth are people running around having kids without being married? I just dont get it. You need to take some personal responsibility here. You have put yourself in a very weak position. There is one way put and its to get married. I wouldn't put you on a house I bought bc you haven't committed yourself to me either. Feels like you are impulsive and now paying the price for that. I hope things work out for you but you really have been quite silly IMHO

Do you have someone IRL who can help? Your parents ? Any friends ?

i dreaded telling mine about my now ex - but they were so relieved and supportive and helpful

Your partner is a scumbag, he wants free cleaner, free childcare, free sex and then after few years he will kick you out and you'll have nothing, you'll be homeless..
And she's had free board and lodging, no bills, free sex and is a SAHM.

Your only way to stay with him is to be married - forget all the bollox about common-law wife (means nothing) and I certainly wouldn't put you on the deeds of a house I'd already owned for you to take me to the cleaners so I'm with him there! If you're genuinely worried about your financial future (which you need to be) then the only solution is marriage. I'd give him a short timescale and then move out if it doesn't happen. Start looking for jobs/retraining etc so you have something if the worst happens.

I wouldn't of given up work if I had no financial security or income of my own.

You also know that this 'go back to work when DC is three' goes to shit as that's precisely when most parents decide to have a second DC. You need to go back now and hang what he wants. He's getting everything he wants and you're getting nothing but a ticking timebomb of being left high and dry with the DC and no home, income, employability, pension, self-esteem, the list goes on.

You are right to not feel secure.

I've been on the exact same position as you and my partner then, now husband, included me on the deeds of our family home. He understood that me not working was saving him money in childcare and he also knew it wasn't fair for me to sacrifice a salary, working years and any possible promotions, and not have a future home secured at least. So, I was included in the deeds, also nominated in the life insurance and bank account.

Your partner doesn't seem committed enough and you should see this as a red flag.

You’re completely mad. And reckless about your future and your child’s future. You’ve made both you and your child dependent on a mean and controlling man. You’re in an incredibly precarious financial position.

This will not end well. Go back to work and save for your own place. Stop running your savings down. If he thinks your DC is too young for nursery (100 quid says they’d be fine) then he can go part time and look after them. At least you could do a couple of shifts at the weekend when he can look after your DC himself to start with.

If you do decide to stay with him and not work then as a minimum you should be asking for-

• properties/ savings held jointly;
• enough money for you to have the same spending power as him;
• he needs to take out life insurance with you as beneficiary and leave his share of the house to you if he dies (or create a trust).

How an earth you thought it was a good idea to get into this situation is beyond me but the good thing is that you’ve realised and, hopefully, can get out of it. Just don’t have more kids in the meantime.

You need to get married asap, then your name not being on the deeds won't matter. Ditto his pension, life insurance and so on.

Why can leave those children vulnerable? If OP had children from previous relationships not marrying her partner will leave her and previous children homeless if they ever break up.

He has no say in this @HannahXsanderson . He reduces his hours and you sort it out together if he has an opinion. He doesn't get an opinion on it otherwise, particularly as he is not prepared to make any financial commitment to you.

This. I moved in with my partner into his house on the basis that it was to save for a wedding within the year. You have left yourself vulnerable financially here.

I think his approach to this is the main issue and I would be giving him 3 options

1. you're put on the deeds 2) you go to a registry office and get married without any faff - up to him if he wants a bigger 'wedding' later 3) you go back to work full time and he pays through the nose for childcare.

You became a package deal the second you gave birth to his child. This isn't about protecting his assets, this is about ensuring security for his children and his attitude of self preservation doesn't fit with a family man.

My ex also took a lot of feet dragging around putting me on the deeds of his house, turned out he was cheating and was also trying to save his assets should I find out but since I'd insisted on getting married I was still entitled to half of the house.

If he doesn't want to mess about with deeds then he needs to marry you. He cannot expect you to give up your career and pension and provide care to his family 24-7 and not give you any security. The fact he "created an atmosphere" about you returning to work is very worrying and it's quite manipulative behaviour.

I think you really need to put your foot down here and maybe look into some legal advice. Do you have any money in your own name or savings? If you had to leave with your children tomorrow could you do it?

If you can't get him to agree to this I'd suggest marriage counselling/mediation to try and resolve it but if that didn't work then I'd actually be separating. He sounds arrogant and old fashioned at best, controlling and misogynistic at worst. Neither is good. Know your value op.

He is emotionally and financially trapping you.

• He is stopping you from workin, claiming it is for his child's benefit but it's as much a benefit to him as it stops you having an financial independence. Him causing an "atmosphere" over it when you did go back is emotional abuse to keep you in check.
• He won't add you to the house, yes he can argue it was his before and financially he contributed more. However having a child is a partnership and there are legal ways he can protect his assets while still offering you some security by drawing up legal documents to only entitle you to a certain percentage of the house.
• He is holding the potential of marriage in future over you because he thinks it will keep you quiet for now.
• Suggesting anymore children is another way to trap you, the more you have the harder it will be to walk away.
• Saying you don't contribute (when he is A stoping you and B you are looking after his child) is again emotional abuse.

There are a lot of red flags here and I am sorry you are in this situation. Please think of yourself and your child. I know many have said you need to lock him down with marriage but think carefully about whether you even want to share your life with this man. You say the only issues is the in-laws, but from what you have posted it's not because he is emotionally and financially abusing you.

Given everything the op has said about the controlling nature of this man, I’d predict he’d stop her by refusing to contribute towards childcare costs and help with drop off/pick up.
But also I advised her earlier on this thread that it’s her decision to go back to work, not his.
I took issue with pp’s statement that she “chose” not to work- my response to that is what you’re responding to.

Willing to guess you have given your child his surname? 🙄
You’ve got yourself into a really vulnerable position which was stupid but you can’t change the past. Your only real option now is to tell him you’ve had enough of being taken advantage of and he either marries you (doesn’t have to be a big do, you just need the legal bit) or you’re out of here, and mean it. If he refuses to marry the mother of his child who he purports to love then 🤷🏻‍♀️ that’s your answer, right? No point being together anyway. He loves his money more than you.

You need to get back to work. Do not allow this man to actively de-skill you.

Please don't repeat the common law wife myth. There's no such thing and believing that there is helps get women into all kinds of trouble when they think they have protections and don't. The only wife the law recognises is one who gets married. This should be a permanent ad on Mumsnet as it's such a problem.

If my partner was telling me I couldn't be on the deeds of a new house we were planning on moving into because I don't co tribute financially then I would be making immediate plans to find a job and id be telling him that I intend to be paying towards the house and therefore need to be on the deeds. He can't dictate to you when to go back to work then refuse to let you have any ownership of a house because you aren't contributing so take control and get back into work now! It is important to protect your own financial security no matter how close you are with a partner.

Go back to work. There really is nothing else to be said.

I would say YABU for getting in this situation. You knew the score when you got pregnant but did it anyway.
If you give up work and have a baby and live in a house you don’t have any claim on the there’s not much wiggle room.

I’m in a similar vulnerable position to you.

You’re not expecting too much - but you have made the wrong decision being with this man.

I’m not married but my partner talks of marrying me (I am the one who is reticent). Like your partner mine bought his house long before I moved in.

I’m on his life insurance policy and half of his retirement in the event he passes. We do need to draft our wills but that is on me as I haven’t done it yet.

In my country I have financial protections in the event of a breakdown of a defacto relationship.

You need to seriously consider this relationship. You may be better off if you leave him and have him pay child support.

There needs to be a financial conversation between the pair of you. My partner has brought up buying a new house and putting me on the deed. I’ve never brought this up.

I think that the UK needs laws for better financial protections for women whose defacto husbands refuse to marry them.