Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

HannahXsanderson · 2025-07-21T05:55:59+00:00

Hello, AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing. I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home? I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping. I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him. Am I expecting too much? I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

Lesleyhill22 · 03/08/2025 10:10

PissedOff2020 · 22/07/2025 09:26

Go back to work, screw the atmosphere it may create. Otherwise you’re being controlled by someone who puts someone else (whoever gets his house and life insurance) above you and his child. You need to get financially independent again - quickly. This man is controlling you and doesn’t respect you.

I’d add that you should never let him know how much money you earn, how much you save and make sure he doesn’t have access to your bank details or your post.

FairKoala · 28/07/2025 10:08

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 08:12

Yes, she should. But can she afford to? It's not always as simple as that, is it? The obvious answer is don't have a baby in this situation, but it's too late for that.

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Pretty sure you can go on UC as a single person who has split with partner though living under the same roof but in separate bedrooms whilst you find a job and get help with nursery fees as a single low income person with child if he initially says he doesn’t want to pay (they can then chase him for CM etc) and find yourself somewhere to live.

I would look at what you can claim, the time lines and jobs you could get

MeTooOverHere · 28/07/2025 09:20

FairKoala · 28/07/2025 07:20

Your scenario plays out more often than you think.

You will hang around for this mythical marriage but eventually he will dump you for someone younger.
She might be younger than you but she will look at you and think I am not going down that road.
Marriage will be demanded otherwise she is off and she will mean it and he knows she means it. And in the first flush of romance he will agree to anything and will be married to her within the year of them meeting.

You need to put in place getting a job and somewhere you and dc can live, and getting all the proof of his salary, wage slips, investments, pensions etc before issuing your ultimatum

The only way you will get the protection marriage brings is if you are prepared to walk away and he knows you will walk away.

You can’t threaten and not leave otherwise your power will be lost.

You have one chance.

You need to put in place getting a job and somewhere you and dc can live, and getting all the proof of his salary, wage slips, investments, pensions etc before issuing your ultimatum

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 08:12

Zanatdy · 28/07/2025 08:07

Then i’d move out if he wasn’t prepared to support her working. Why stay with a partner like that? OP isn’t helping herself being so passive when in such a vulnerable position. This guy isn’t going to marry her or put her on the deeds of the new place. If he won’t add her (and fine to protect his large deposit) then OP needs to leave this relationship.

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Yes, she should. But can she afford to? It's not always as simple as that, is it? The obvious answer is don't have a baby in this situation, but it's too late for that.

Zanatdy · 28/07/2025 08:07

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 07:56

Well unless she can afford to pay all the nursery fees out of her own wages, she can't go back to work, can she? Not if he doesn't support it.

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Then i’d move out if he wasn’t prepared to support her working. Why stay with a partner like that? OP isn’t helping herself being so passive when in such a vulnerable position. This guy isn’t going to marry her or put her on the deeds of the new place. If he won’t add her (and fine to protect his large deposit) then OP needs to leave this relationship.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 07:56

Zanatdy · 28/07/2025 07:54

No-one is being forced to stay at home. I would have made it clear I was returning to work, why just let this guy dictate what she does. Also not claiming child benefit so no credits for her state pension. Why allow yourself to be in this situation?

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Well unless she can afford to pay all the nursery fees out of her own wages, she can't go back to work, can she? Not if he doesn't support it.

Zanatdy · 28/07/2025 07:54

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 07:39

Yes but how likely is it that a woman in that scenario would be forcing the man to be a stay at home dad, doing unpaid labour for the benefit of the family and being unable to work?

Or is it more likely that as well as being the home owner she would also be the main caregiver to the children and doing more than her fair share it unpaid domestic work?

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No-one is being forced to stay at home. I would have made it clear I was returning to work, why just let this guy dictate what she does. Also not claiming child benefit so no credits for her state pension. Why allow yourself to be in this situation?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 07:39

Zanatdy · 28/07/2025 07:13

He is right to protect what he owned prior to the relationship, but he should consider putting you on new house deeds, but with his large deposit protected. I don’t think it’s right to expect half of that if a future break up. Are you planning to return to work? You’re in a very vulnerable position not working and not married. You say the relationship has been rocky, so perhaps this puts him off. If a woman posted and said she owned a house prior to a relationship, everyone would advise her to protect it. I personally think that you should return to work, split childcare cost, and contribute financially to the new house.

Yes but how likely is it that a woman in that scenario would be forcing the man to be a stay at home dad, doing unpaid labour for the benefit of the family and being unable to work?

Or is it more likely that as well as being the home owner she would also be the main caregiver to the children and doing more than her fair share it unpaid domestic work?

FairKoala · 28/07/2025 07:20

Your scenario plays out more often than you think.

You will hang around for this mythical marriage but eventually he will dump you for someone younger.
She might be younger than you but she will look at you and think I am not going down that road.
Marriage will be demanded otherwise she is off and she will mean it and he knows she means it. And in the first flush of romance he will agree to anything and will be married to her within the year of them meeting.

You need to put in place getting a job and somewhere you and dc can live, and getting all the proof of his salary, wage slips, investments, pensions etc before issuing your ultimatum

The only way you will get the protection marriage brings is if you are prepared to walk away and he knows you will walk away.

You can’t threaten and not leave otherwise your power will be lost.

You have one chance.

Zanatdy · 28/07/2025 07:13

He is right to protect what he owned prior to the relationship, but he should consider putting you on new house deeds, but with his large deposit protected. I don’t think it’s right to expect half of that if a future break up. Are you planning to return to work? You’re in a very vulnerable position not working and not married. You say the relationship has been rocky, so perhaps this puts him off. If a woman posted and said she owned a house prior to a relationship, everyone would advise her to protect it. I personally think that you should return to work, split childcare cost, and contribute financially to the new house.

Skodacool · 28/07/2025 07:12

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 11:09

Because of his earnings I’m not entitled to child benefit. Thank you so much for the advice!

You should still apply for it because it gives you credits towards your state pension.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/07/2025 07:08

I'm afraid you should have sorted all this out before getting pregnant really OP.

If you went back to work full time, would you be able to pay nursery fees from your wages and have some money left over? Because if not, you don't really have a choice and aren't in a position to negotiate.

I would say to him that you don't think it's fair that he is effectively preventing you from working and forcing you to be financially dependent on him but unwilling to recognise your non financial contribution to the family or give you any financial security, either via marriage or putting you on the deeds to the house. It suggests that he's happy to use you for your reproductive labour (and for unpaid domestic tasks) but he doesn't really see you as family.

You might be better off financially if you leave him, go back to work and claim child benefit and child maintenance.

Don't have another baby with him.

Skodacool · 28/07/2025 07:02

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 07:30

I’d be happy to go back to work, but my partner feels our 2 year old is to young for nursery. I did a couple of shifts when my maternity ended but he didn’t like me going to work and would create an atmosphere about it. The ups and downs in our relationship have been to do with the in-laws not necessarily us.

He ‘would create an atmosphere about it’. He is controlling you OP. Your problem IS with your relationship. If/when you go back to work, you will get no cooperation from him regarding housework and childcare. You really do need to assert yourself here.

FairKoala · 28/07/2025 06:46

GROMIT50 · 22/07/2025 01:56

Oh come on, u certainly playing the victim, you agreed not to go back to work, so your choice, why should your name be put onmortgage, you have no job and your not married, if the roles where reversed there would uproar and male partner would be called a cocklodger.

So if in your opinion she doesn’t have a job atm then when she does get a job does that mean she can expect to be put on the mortgage and deeds to the house and whilst at her job she can leave dc to their own devices. and not bother with cleaning or cooking as they were not jobs anyway.

I mean surely no one charges you money to just to look after your children, cook, and clean your house, do the laundry, make the beds and do the shopping etc . As they are not real jobs.

CJ168 · 28/07/2025 05:46

You are NOT being unreasonable but you are being used and controlled with the dangled carrot of a wedding ring. Don't ask him, TELL him you are going back to full time work and if he wants someone to cook, clean and look after his child 24/7 then to hire someone. If you stay out of work too long you will find it very difficult to get back in

caringcarer · 28/07/2025 04:29

Go back to work and put DC in childcare. He will have to pay half of childcare and all DC clothes, activities etc. You can pay half of bills but not pay towards mortgage and build up your savings. You should protect yourself and your DC because he isn't looking after you. If you split up you'd be destitute.

BrightGreenPoet · 28/07/2025 02:19

You ARE being unreasonable staying in this relationship. You need to get a job, take your child, and leave. You contribute to the household acting as a housewife, but you're not married and have little to no legal claim to things without the security of marriage. Your relationship is NOT good given that your partner says you are not contributing anything (just childcare and housekeeper care for his pathetic arse for free), he does NOT value you. Get out. Get away from him now and sue him for child support, child care costs, etc.

NoMoreLifts · 22/07/2025 13:04

HannahXsanderson · 21/07/2025 11:09

Because of his earnings I’m not entitled to child benefit. Thank you so much for the advice!

I'm pretty sure you are. He'd have to pay it back though through self assessment. But you'd get your NI credits.

PissedOff2020 · 22/07/2025 09:26

Go back to work, screw the atmosphere it may create. Otherwise you’re being controlled by someone who puts someone else (whoever gets his house and life insurance) above you and his child. You need to get financially independent again - quickly. This man is controlling you and doesn’t respect you.

PissedOff2020 · 22/07/2025 09:19

You said he won’t update his life insurance and will - who gets his life insurance? What about the house?
I’d be more concerned about that than the deeds right now. Let’s face it, that’s no financial risk to him at, he’d be dead. All that does is ensure you and his child are secure in the event of his death - but he won’t even make that commitment? Why the hell not?! The deeds, ges clearly thinking about if you split up, but his will and life insurance… who is he looking out for in his death more than you and his child?! That’s the biggest concern in the whole situation to me - you both should be his world, but you’re not.

Juniperberry55 · 22/07/2025 09:08

GROMIT50 · 22/07/2025 01:56

Oh come on, u certainly playing the victim, you agreed not to go back to work, so your choice, why should your name be put onmortgage, you have no job and your not married, if the roles where reversed there would uproar and male partner would be called a cocklodger.

Ah yes those classic male cocklodgers, paying for things out of their savings while the woman is telling him he's not allowed to work. Cooking, cleaning and raising their child.😂 I imagine quite a lot of women wouldn't mind one of those

Juniperberry55 · 22/07/2025 09:05

HoppingPavlova · 22/07/2025 06:20

@Juniperberry55 Surely if those family members already own a home, they will need at extra stamp duty as it won't be their primary residence and if there's a mortgage on the property wouldn't they need to be on the mortgage?
Also one of those family members could theoretically ask for their equity out of the house, it could be taken into consideration if they were to need care funded by the local authority, this seems risky

It’s a see-saw really with risk. Essentially, who do trust more, your immediate family or a pissed off spouse in the throes of divorce?

I gather it’s different here as we don’t pay extra stamp duty on additional residences. We pay extra land tax instead, however that’s only if the total of what you own goes over a certain value, so being on lots of ‘cheaper’ properties is no different to having one at a higher market price and then adding on. Also, you would have capital gains tax on a non-residential, but that’s only in the event of a sale, envisaged never to happen (that’s the whole point of keeping it in back pocket). I gather we have a different system.

Someone asking for equity out. Sure, could happen. If you want to piss your family off enough. Irrespective, even so, the upside of having numerous owners is in the event of this happening, with a small entry level property, it’s not much for the others left to kick in.

Re the care aspect, not relevant to DH or I (alternative pathway organised😁) and all the siblings have several decades to go until they get to that. At that point hopefully everyone who is partnered/married can’t be bothered with divorce at that age, and you can only plan to a point.

Forgot to add, yes, they all go on the mortgage as well. One person pays but they all use same bank and everyone has visibility to all loans/payments and we have some financial guru’s in the pack who track stuff with no effort, keep on top of equity spreadsheets etc. Apparently all easy, takes little work.

Edited

I'm not sure which country you're in. But if you did similar in England you'd be crazy and paying out ridiculous amounts of money and opening yourself up to unnecessarily risk. I don't think a mortgage company would accept a couple having 4 random family members on the mortgage either and they would all have to be financially assessed for affordability and liable for mortgage payments if the couple couldn't pay

Here I would say if you don't trust your partner, don't marry them. If you already own the house get a cohabitation agreement signed with a split showing who owns what. If buying a house together then you can specify the split then also. If you feel the need to marry them despite thinking they might take all your money, then get a prenup, the judge will take it into consideration although they may choose not to follow it completely.

MeTooOverHere · 22/07/2025 08:09

99bottlesofkombucha · 22/07/2025 03:26

I should report this for sheer bullshit. Men are not called a cocklodgers on Mumsnet ever if they do all of the childcare. She doesn’t even just do all of the childcare here, she still funds herself too.

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I tried to but wasn't sure of the grounds to use. Personal attack?

MeTooOverHere · 22/07/2025 08:02

PinotPony · 22/07/2025 07:49

@HannahXsandersonThis isn’t correct. You can still claim the child benefit but either opt not to receive the actual payment or the high earner pays it back as part of their annual tax return.

Have you ever taken any independent legal or financial advice? If not, you really should! Make an appointment to see a Family solicitor. You have left yourself in an extremely vulnerable position if the relationship were to fail in the future. As a “girlfriend”, he can kick you out at a whim.

Even if he won’t marry you or agree to a civil partnership, at the very least you should have a cohabitation agreement setting out your intentions regarding the ownership of the property. You should also gets your Wills done.

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this ^

Hankunamatata · 22/07/2025 07:59

Was this a planned baby?

How long has he owned the house? How much is left to pay on mortgage?

I can see both sides. If he brought a large finical asset to the relationship such as a house and you came with no assets I do understand his reluctance

However since you are a sahp you need to talk to him about having savings in your own name and having money put into a pension