DTD - All ticked off - HIGH FIVE!!!!

My posted posted twice for some reason so I'm just deleting the second one.

I've just name changed for this thread and I am going to change straight back after I've posted.

I just wanted to say OP, I could have written your post. I'm 50, I've been with DH for nearly 30 years and happily married for 20. I used to absolutely love sex but over the years it has become less and less important to me, and now with three teens, a full on job, and the normal trials and tribulations of mid life coupled with perimenopause, I honestly just want to sink into bed quietly at the end of the day and peacefully read a good book. I am very happy, not depressed in any way, and have many things in life that fulfil me and bring me joy. But sex just isn't one of them anymore.

But it is very important to DH, and if it is important to him, then of course it is important to me. I loved your analogy of him going for a nice walk to make you happy, because honestly that is exactly how it feels to me. Not something I'd choose to do myself, but something I'm perfectly happy to do for the sake of my lovely DH. Often on threads like this, it feels like the only two states are either joyful, lustful sex multiple times a week, or miserable, resentful duty sex. What you are describing is something in between the two, and it isn't something I've really seen discussed here before.

Often women in our position are told that our relationships, and indeed our entire existence, must somehow be grey and empty and sad. The implication is that we are misfunctioning, and that it is a problem that must be fixed, either through HRT, diet and exercise, or by doing the decent thing and leaving our wonderful husbands so that they can find new partners who want nothing more but to shag them three times a day in perpetuity. I disagree, that it seems that many other women feel the same, given the current poll results.

The only thing I don't fully understand is that I do almost without exception enjoy it once I get going. I have no idea why I am so completely apathetic about the idea of it. I completely relate to your sense of ticking it off the list for the week!

Why have sex you don’t really want?

The naïveté of those who don’t have sex and think that everything is hunky dory in their marriage 🤦‍♀️

But I do think that many, MANY women would relate to it as being a chore.

I’m so happy to be single 😬

In the immortal words of Pulp, "Jesus, it must be great to be straight" 😬

That’s a bit sad. If it thought it was a chore I’d not want to do it.

I am loving the honesty on here.

I stopped having sex in my last relationship - it had begun to hurt and he wouldn't stop when I asked. We split up and now I have absolutely zero desire ever to be in a relationship or have sex again. I'm mid 60s and just going to work, doing housework, walking the dog and socialising is enough for me now. I just can't imagine ever wanting to pander to a man again in any way, so I'll settle for a nice cup of tea, a good book and an early night over sex.

I love a pp's phrase, "at it like pandas". This is my husband and me - other than the first year we were together, once or twice a month is plenty for us. Sometimes longer. Doesn't feel like a chore, but I do know what you mean @Lardychops, it's good to make the time (it's a lazy Sunday morning thing for us though, too tired at night), and it does sort of feel like ticking off a task - marriage maintenance ✅

Edited to add: I'm only in my early 40s though, and he's not even 40. Some people are just pandas I suppose.

Totally agree with you.

Fair play to you, op. You sound like great fun and brilliantly honest. I’m not going to come here and be all po faced and smug about how I find sex a deeply fulfilling and sacred act that I do twenty times a week about something that is very real to a lot of women of a certain age, I feel it too sometimes. You can’t make yourself feel something you don’t, and the fact you’re willing to overlook your lack of enthusiasm and put him first on these occasions makes him a lucky man.

I completely understand
I am 50 plus
Full on job, carer for a parent and children at home
I just want to go to bed and listen to a podcast

I have been trying to make more of an effort but it bloody had work.

Op your attitude is so "chin up, best of British!"

2 years here. I would be happy never to do it again but I did have an open discussion with DH and he said while he would prefer to occasionally have sex he really isn't too bothered and if I don't want to then he is fine with that.

Hundred percent I only wish I could share the high-five with him, but then he would know I am counting lol

No. We don't have sex very often, I'm 49 and DH is 54, both of us happy with quality not quantity. I think even when we first moved in together and I was 23 we only had sex twice a week at the most. It was something of a relief actually (particularly to my vagina and being rather prone to thrush previously) after previous boyfriends. We still managed to conceive DD1 and DD2 in the first month of actually trying to on both occasions. DH always had less of a sex drive than me anyway. We've been at it like pandas (i.e., not getting it on very often- more like just on holidays and trips away) since we had DD2, and laugh about how crap we are at DTD but neither feels any pressure to have more sex. And we really do not want to be having another child now with grown up children and hopefully ten years away from retirement, that is in both of our minds and we will relax a bit...and watch out(😂!) when my periods have definitely stopped.