DTD - All ticked off - HIGH FIVE!!!!

No I actually enjoy sex with my husband and don’t think of it as a chore
and I still fancy him 25 years on
helps that’s he has stayed fit and healthy and not got fat and miserable 😂

we generally have sex 3 -4 times a week more when on holiday and I genuinely like sex anyway and I think as a couple we are fairly well matched

I did take care to make sure my hrt is right so I don’t lose interest in sex as I could feel that I was getting bit like ugh and sex was often painful due to VA but since I have done that I’m back to how I am normally and I’m glad

often one partner thinks that the other partner is perfectly ok with a sexless / semi sexless marriage but often this is not the case and are genuinely upset or angry when the other person has an affair leaves them for the ow

It's really interesting to see the different perspectives on this.

My take is that the OP doesn't actually have a problem she feels needs solving. She was just sharing her experience, presumably to spark a discussion like this one.

Suggesting that she looks for ways to make it more enjoyable is missing the point she is making (I think? Correct me if I'm wrong). It's a bit like if her DH was joking to a mate about how he's feeling pleased to have ticked off his weekly walk with the OP, and the mate leaps on this and starts suggesting he should get into birdwatching to playing I-spy or anything to make these weekly walks more enjoyable, that he shouldn't feel he has to go on walks out of duty, that lots of people love walking so why doesn't he???

To which he hastily responds that he's honestly perfectly happy to humour his wife with a quick stroll around the block and actually always feels better for a bit of fresh air. But left to his own devices he'd be doing a spot of gardening.

OP I love your cheerful honesty. It's obvious how much you love your DH and you clearly have a very happy marriage. I wouldn't mind betting there are many, many women not posting but nodding in agreement to your posts.

I need to sort out the physical issues that have stalled our sex life. A combination of embarrassment and apathy is stopping me talking to the GP. I want to have sex and I think DH does too but we've never talked about it, which is very sad.

The openness from some posters on this thread has been great to read. It's reassuring to know that it's not just us who aren't at it every night.

Every marriage is different.

@TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether

yes…so that sex becomes less of a chore for her and she gets more out of it. At the moment she is only really doing it for husband - she has admitted she could easily do without but doesn’t want to do that for his sake.

Yes, it's a good analogy and one I've used myself when pondering on it.

I think it comes down to inertia and the fact that the default human condition is to take the path of least resistance unless there is a strong reason (i.e. fear or desire) driving us to change state.

When the urgency of sexual desire fades over the course of a long relationship, there is nothing driving us to want to have sex at any particular moment, basically. We might have a generalised sense that sex is a good, healthy thing in a relationship, but on any given night that isn't enough to overcome our preference to flop into bed and go to sleep. So it becomes a conscious choice to decide to have sex, rather than something that we are intrinsically motivated to do.

I'm not sure why some women are able to maintain that urgent desire over the long term when others aren't. Obviously in some (many?) cases it's because there are other problems in the relationship. But what about when the relationship is otherwise really strong?

I have questioned myself about whether there is a problem in my marriage that I'm not facing up to, but honestly I just think it is the way I am. If I were in a new relationship now, I think I would want sex in the beginning (although I am less sure about that recently, now perimenopause is beginning to bite) but that the desire would fade rapidly and I'd be back to square one, and likely in a worse ralationship.

Isn't there a book about this? Called something like Love in Captivy? I thought about reading it at some point, but actually I'm just not bothered!

You assumed that her sex drive was something that needed "reigniting", like there's something wrong with it at the level it is. You're the one shaming.

You'll be telling her to "spice things up" (cringe) with lingerie next. Maybe things are spicy enough.

I’m keener than him! 2-3 times a week is absolutely fine by me

@Lardychops

i wasn’t talking about HIS fetishes/kinks , i was talking about YOURS. Some women do have them you know!

@TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether

i never said she has to. And there are more to fetishes/kinks than whips and chains. It was just a suggestion to potentially stop is being such a chore and lacking in reciprocity.

Don't pathologise a perfectly normal sex life. No-one needs to be "exploring" whips and chains just because they only fancy doing it once a fortnight.

@TheBombThatWillBringUsTogether

don’t be a kink shamer

Ugh.

@Lardychops

do you have any particular fetishes OP that you haven’t yet explored? This could reignite your sex drive

I used to have a huge sex drive. Now the thought of having sex makes me recoil. I avoid it - but I think it’s my relationship - not my hormones.

Yes there have been times when time and tiredness make it difficult to organise. Yes late after getting to bed was not the best time.
We organised quickies, kids getting up in morning, quickie in dining room. It also added a bit of risk and fun. Garden shed, but not the greenhouse!