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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he could’ve popped in for a bit

81 replies

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:05

NC for this. I have a hobby that DH is not interested in. That’s fine. Every now and then there’s a hobby related get together. There are no prizes but there’s an awareness of who’s done a good job.

There was one of these get togethers this weekend. It was a ten minute walk from our house. I’ve been working hard on it and I knew it was going to be a good one for me. I mentioned that since it was so near he was welcome to pop over at some point - no need to stay for ages. He’s never been before.

When I got there I realised he might not actually hate it (plus there was free food and drink and who doesn’t love that) so texted to say so and that I would love him to come. He didn’t reply and I got back late and left early the next morning. Midway through day two I realised he wasn’t coming. It was an even better day for me than I thought it would be and I was really happy with it.

I realised then that I was quite sad he hadn’t come and sent him a text saying so and that it does mean something to me even though it’s silly, and it would’ve made me feel good having him see it.

He didn’t reply. When I got home he didn’t say anything so I went straight to bed. Today I mentioned it and he said he was ‘busy’. No further comment.

Its partly that he didn’t show up, though I didn’t realise I minded about that as much as it turns out I did, but its that he didn’t even respond when I said I was sad about it.

It’s not a world ender I know, but I can’t quite decide if I’m being precious. I know he’s not remotely interested - but I didn’t expect him for long, maybe an hour for a sort of ‘oh good on you’ thing. And when I said it bothered me a sorry would’ve been nice!

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 21/07/2025 08:29

It looks like I’m the odd one out here, but I really wouldn’t expect DH to show any interest in my hobbies - just as I have absolutely no interest in his.

However from your replies there are clearly other issues in your marriage that need to be tackled.

PrincessOfPreschool · 21/07/2025 08:22

OP, sorry to say he doesn't sound like a very nice person. He sounds very self centred. And you don't sound like you kick off nearly enough, if ever. You're too nice.

Some people won't be changed by others netting kind to them. You need to fight back a bit, OP, otherwise this behaviour will end up getting to you until you don't know what to do with all that resentment.

Tell him his behaviour was not OK. Tell him you want more emotional connection than you're getting currently. Insist on some counselling. If he doesn't want to improve things, for your sake, then you know where you stand. This is no way to have a relationship. "Getting on fine" is for your house mate, not even siblings, let alone partners. I think you have denied yourself and your needs for a long timey. You need to take a long hard look at this relationship.

nomas · 21/07/2025 08:11

stupidboats · 21/07/2025 08:10

Not jealous god no, but there is something to that maybe. We’re in the same field of work and his job is very well respected and pays fine, mine is not, but is funding our life pretty much. I think he’s a bit uneasy about that and maybe it comes out in other ways.

Show quote history

What makes you think your job isn’t respected?

Does he make you feel like that?

Do you have kids with him? I’m starting to think you should leave him before you have kids.

nomas · 21/07/2025 08:10

stupidboats · 21/07/2025 06:51

edited ugh lost the quote - @nomas if I don’t take an interest he’ll just pretend not to care (or actually not care, I guess).

thanks to everyone who said it’s OK to be pissed off and sad about it though, and who listened to me rant, it’s been very helpful.

Edited

Then I would stop taking an interest. He isn’t going to change.

Original poster
stupidboats · 21/07/2025 08:10

YNott · 21/07/2025 07:06

@Hedgedone at 22.59 👏.
Is this diminishing you to big himself up/ he’s jealous of your achievements?

Not jealous god no, but there is something to that maybe. We’re in the same field of work and his job is very well respected and pays fine, mine is not, but is funding our life pretty much. I think he’s a bit uneasy about that and maybe it comes out in other ways.

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 21/07/2025 07:07

FrenchandSaunders · 21/07/2025 07:00

So as well as ignoring your texts, he didn’t even ask about it. I’d be hurt.

She literally says they were in touch and he did ask how it was going!

YNott · 21/07/2025 07:06

@Hedgedone at 22.59 👏.
Is this diminishing you to big himself up/ he’s jealous of your achievements?

Spirallingdownwards · 21/07/2025 07:06

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:44

In fairness we did text about some other normal stuff through that day and he did ask how it was going etc so not total silence

Show quote history

This entirely changes what I was originally going to say. He asked how it was going. So frankly I can't see what the problem is. You don't need to live in each other's pockets and he doesn't need to be involved in every aspect of your life.

There wasn't complete radio silence and he did ask after you.

FrenchandSaunders · 21/07/2025 07:00

So as well as ignoring your texts, he didn’t even ask about it. I’d be hurt.

Original poster
stupidboats · 21/07/2025 06:51

edited ugh lost the quote - @nomas if I don’t take an interest he’ll just pretend not to care (or actually not care, I guess).

thanks to everyone who said it’s OK to be pissed off and sad about it though, and who listened to me rant, it’s been very helpful.

OP posts:
Hedgedone · 20/07/2025 22:59

Yanbu and that is not a relationship that I would want to spend my life investing in.

He sounds extremely selfish.
He has you trained very well to not ask, and when you do, to expect nothing, not evdn the basic courtesy of a response.

YNott · 20/07/2025 22:53

that”s just what you do isn’t it, and you end up learning about things which is nice.
Not for him. Sadly. What a selfish inconsiderate person he is.

nomas · 20/07/2025 22:52

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:39

He does do stuff for me, he’s not a total arse and I know he does care… but he will do things on his terms, asking for help is dicey.

I don’t know if he expects me to be interested in his stuff, he’d probably say he doesn’t - but obviously I do, that’s just what you do isn’t it, and you end up learning about things which is nice.

Show quote history

Why don’t you try stepping back from taking an interest? So he can see how it feels?

Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:39

nomas · 20/07/2025 22:14

Your ask was not unreasonable at all, OP.

Does he show any consideration and care for you?

Does he expect you to take an interest in his interests?

Show quote history

He does do stuff for me, he’s not a total arse and I know he does care… but he will do things on his terms, asking for help is dicey.

I don’t know if he expects me to be interested in his stuff, he’d probably say he doesn’t - but obviously I do, that’s just what you do isn’t it, and you end up learning about things which is nice.

OP posts:
Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:18

Hillrunning · 20/07/2025 22:12

It sounds like you ask very little of him, so to have him not even communicate that he didn't intend to come is really very poor. What was he so busy with? Most parters would come to something where you might get a bit of kudos or a shout out so long as it wasn't a regular thing.

Not responding, or bring it up at a later point, when you said you were sad is low. I fully understand why you'd be upset.

By chance, I did unexpectedly well at my hobby this morning, DH has said well done or brought it up in some way 5 times since. And this achievement was, in the grand scheme of things, not impressive.

Massive well done to you! Im proud of ya!

And well done to you too!!

As far as I can tell he can only have been catching up with some work as the laundry basket is still full, but he isn’t a brain surgeon or anything, I suspect it was more ‘didn’t want to’

OP posts:
Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:16

CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 22:02

Sorry have to ask.. what's the hobby?? 😆 but yes, his behaviour is shitty.

Shameful to be one of those posters with an ‘outing’ hobby!

I swear on my life it’s not cycling

OP posts:
nomas · 20/07/2025 22:15

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:14

No no, there’s nothing anyone could be upset by. I’d totally understand that, if I was constantly nagging him to come watch me shoot deer. Purely just not his bag. It’s not, but think sewing elaborate medieval costumes, then everyone gets together and exhibits them - it’s got some value as something to look at for an outsider but if you’re not interested you’re not going to want to spend a lot of time.

Show quote history

I’d go along to support a friend, colleague, relative. As a husband, he should have wanted to be there, even briefly.

Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 22:14

Stompythedinosaur · 20/07/2025 21:55

If I text my dp I was upset about something, I'd be very upset to get no reply.

For the event, it doesn't sound great, but it depends a little what it is. Does he have an ethical objection? There are a couple of things I wouldn't go to for my dp - religious ceremonies, anything like hunting or fishing. But if it's just something he's a bit bored by, it's a really poor show.

No no, there’s nothing anyone could be upset by. I’d totally understand that, if I was constantly nagging him to come watch me shoot deer. Purely just not his bag. It’s not, but think sewing elaborate medieval costumes, then everyone gets together and exhibits them - it’s got some value as something to look at for an outsider but if you’re not interested you’re not going to want to spend a lot of time.

OP posts:
nomas · 20/07/2025 22:14

stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:44

In fairness we did text about some other normal stuff through that day and he did ask how it was going etc so not total silence

Show quote history

Your ask was not unreasonable at all, OP.

Does he show any consideration and care for you?

Does he expect you to take an interest in his interests?

Hillrunning · 20/07/2025 22:12

It sounds like you ask very little of him, so to have him not even communicate that he didn't intend to come is really very poor. What was he so busy with? Most parters would come to something where you might get a bit of kudos or a shout out so long as it wasn't a regular thing.

Not responding, or bring it up at a later point, when you said you were sad is low. I fully understand why you'd be upset.

By chance, I did unexpectedly well at my hobby this morning, DH has said well done or brought it up in some way 5 times since. And this achievement was, in the grand scheme of things, not impressive.

Massive well done to you! Im proud of ya!

CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 22:02

Sorry have to ask.. what's the hobby?? 😆 but yes, his behaviour is shitty.

Brendahollowayreconsider · 20/07/2025 21:55

He could've spared a half hour/hour
It's not much to ask.
Well done on your achievements 👍😁

Stompythedinosaur · 20/07/2025 21:55

If I text my dp I was upset about something, I'd be very upset to get no reply.

For the event, it doesn't sound great, but it depends a little what it is. Does he have an ethical objection? There are a couple of things I wouldn't go to for my dp - religious ceremonies, anything like hunting or fishing. But if it's just something he's a bit bored by, it's a really poor show.

Original poster
stupidboats · 20/07/2025 21:44

Lmnop22 · 20/07/2025 21:36

It’s totally shit not to reply to you at all for like a whole day at first when you invited him and then for half a day after you said you were upset!

I would go and watch my partner sit in a paddling pool full of cold custard if he enjoyed it and it meant a lot to him for me to be there!

In fairness we did text about some other normal stuff through that day and he did ask how it was going etc so not total silence

OP posts:
Lmnop22 · 20/07/2025 21:36

It’s totally shit not to reply to you at all for like a whole day at first when you invited him and then for half a day after you said you were upset!

I would go and watch my partner sit in a paddling pool full of cold custard if he enjoyed it and it meant a lot to him for me to be there!