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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to afternoon tea

56 replies

Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 14:45

So not to drip feed, i have missed a few in-laws occasions (not all, I make the effort where I can) due to ill health, caring for my elderly parent and then bereavement. (I don't make the odd Christmas dinner or bday meal) I think it bugs them but I can't really help that.

MIL has big bday next week. Husband and I have offered to take her out for a meal next weekend. I found out a few days ago that an afternoon tea has been organised for her bday for today. This had been organised by the wider family group.

I have a really difficult week around the reasons at the beginning and I could do with a reset day, plus the expense of a 2nd meal out is challenging. Now I've heard this will have champagne and balloons etc involved and it seems like quite a big deal. AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:15

everythingsnotmadeofgold · 20/07/2025 15:12

You do sound a bit like that in fairness.

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Lol I mean actually I'm not honestly. I'm friendly and outgoing but unfortunately my illness and mom's illness and death was all just a bit inconvenient for them as interrupted plans and family get together. At least that's how it came across.

OP posts:
MzHz · 20/07/2025 15:14

Cancel the dinner and go to the tea. You don’t have to have champagne if you don’t want it.

Obeseandashamed · 20/07/2025 15:13

Deadringer · 20/07/2025 14:50

Can you go the afternoon tea instead of bringing her out next weekend? It might meant a lot to her to have everyone there.

I would do this too

AbzMoz · 20/07/2025 15:12

If you’re happy to go to either Id ask MIL if she prefers you to join in the afternoon tea OR continue with the lunch plan. If you don’t feel up to the afternoon tea just keep with the existing plan.

Is it it clear that DH can go to whatever of his family events without you?

everythingsnotmadeofgold · 20/07/2025 15:12

Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:10

They don't know much about my ill health. I don't discuss it with them now as they haven't been the most empathetic in the past, I think they see me as Debbie Downer type. Always something wrong.

Little do they know I really wish that weren't the case but unfortunately life has dealt me a shit hand this last few years.

You do sound a bit like that in fairness.

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 20/07/2025 15:11

But even without the health issues, anyone with any compassion would understand why you might need to be at home and grieve.

Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:11

CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 15:09

So they forgot to invite their own brother too?!

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They did, they did apologise but yes they did.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:10

They don't know much about my ill health. I don't discuss it with them now as they haven't been the most empathetic in the past, I think they see me as Debbie Downer type. Always something wrong.

Little do they know I really wish that weren't the case but unfortunately life has dealt me a shit hand this last few years.

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 20/07/2025 15:09

Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:03

No 😂 it was my MIL and SIL

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So they forgot to invite their own brother too?!

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 20/07/2025 15:07

Surely your MIL will understand why you don't feel able to go.

GoldDuster · 20/07/2025 15:06

If you've missed a few in laws occasions, then this is just another one you'll miss. I wouldn't think anyone would be particularly suprised you're not there, knowing about your ill health and current situation?

Don't want to go? Don't go. I don't think this is going to suprise anyone particularly.

PeapodMcgee · 20/07/2025 15:04

Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:03

No 😂 it was my MIL and SIL

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Ahh, well I'd see that as an out and send apologies, probably. Rest up.

Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:03

PeapodMcgee · 20/07/2025 15:02

So it was your husband who organised it and forgot to tell you?

No 😂 it was my MIL and SIL

OP posts:
PeapodMcgee · 20/07/2025 15:02

So it was your husband who organised it and forgot to tell you?

pizzaHeart · 20/07/2025 15:00

I thought you should go until you posted the details.
Well they can’t be surprised that you are busy on that day if they forgot to invite you. I also think that your OH should be really confident that the rest is what you must be doing.

Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 14:59

LaLaLandDreams · 20/07/2025 14:58

Yabu. You can’t have stuff on everytime.

It's not every time though? I was at her last bday meal, and round for Christmas Dinner last year. Its now and again as I said due to circumstances.

OP posts:
HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 20/07/2025 14:59

Are people missing that OP has just suffered a bereavement??

LaLaLandDreams · 20/07/2025 14:58

Yabu. You can’t have stuff on everytime.

HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 20/07/2025 14:58

I'm sorry for the loss of your mum. 💐

Sidebeforeself · 20/07/2025 14:58

Gosh no you are not being unreasonable at all. It’s a very difficult time for you. Maybe send her a nice message though

Malariahilaria · 20/07/2025 14:57

I feel like you're asking collective permission not to go. I wouldn't go if I were you but I had a bit of a mid life reset a few years ago and decided I would no longer attend things I didn't want to out of guilt or obligations (unless for my DC or cats). My MIL is a pleasant lady but can be very demanding, so I stepped back and leave her to her son to deal with now. I haven't seen her in a year and it's been lovely.

Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 14:56

Glitchymn1 · 20/07/2025 14:52

Torn. You are taking her out next weekend so I don’t think it’s a huge deal. How come you weren’t told about it?
I’d probably show my face for one drink to be honest, if it’s local.
What’s a reset day?

I'd like to.do that and have tried that in the past but sometimes.it almost goes down worse like they can't understand why I need/want to leave and its all a bit awkward.

OP posts:
HoneyHoneyHowYouThrillMe · 20/07/2025 14:56

As they forgot to even invite you, you do not need to feel bad for not going!

Above and beyond that you have medical instruction to look after yourself in a specific way, and you are dealing with very difficult emotional circumstances too.

Look after yourself and take the rest you need. Your DH can go to the celebration.

MinPinSins · 20/07/2025 14:55

Would she prefer you go to the afternoon tea rather than take her out? Some people really value the idea of having 'everyone' together. Would just doing the tea, and delaying your reset day be possible?

IlovePhilMitchell · 20/07/2025 14:55

Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 14:53

I wasn't invited because the organiser forgot to tell me. Their words not mine.

Maybe I should explain what I mean by reset day. My ankles are swollen due to some medication side effects and I've been advised to elevate where possible. Today is the only chance I have to do that.

I also received my mum's ashes this week and it floored me emotionally. Similarly my anxiety was then impacted.

So there is a bit of substance to it really.

Take the reset day, you can’t give bits of yourself to other people when you need to take good care of yourself, you deserve it.

So sorry for your loss, it’s so hard as well when you need to physically and emotionally rest, it can be all consuming. Listening to your body and mind is the key to recovery xxx