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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not go to afternoon tea

56 replies

Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 14:45

So not to drip feed, i have missed a few in-laws occasions (not all, I make the effort where I can) due to ill health, caring for my elderly parent and then bereavement. (I don't make the odd Christmas dinner or bday meal) I think it bugs them but I can't really help that.

MIL has big bday next week. Husband and I have offered to take her out for a meal next weekend. I found out a few days ago that an afternoon tea has been organised for her bday for today. This had been organised by the wider family group.

I have a really difficult week around the reasons at the beginning and I could do with a reset day, plus the expense of a 2nd meal out is challenging. Now I've heard this will have champagne and balloons etc involved and it seems like quite a big deal. AIBU to not go?

OP posts:
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Springtimehere · 21/07/2025 10:39

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tripleginandtonic · 21/07/2025 10:37

OakAshRowan · 21/07/2025 10:24

It has already happened and she didn't go but...

Why should she try to go? She is struggling with recent bereavement and also has health issues. If she doesn't feel up to going she shouldn't go! Why should she put someone else (who only invited her at the last minute because she forgot before that) above herself in this situation? Genuine question.

Show quote history

Because it was a special occasion. Because it was part of her family through marriage.

whitewineandsun · 21/07/2025 10:32

MinPinSins · 20/07/2025 14:55

Would she prefer you go to the afternoon tea rather than take her out? Some people really value the idea of having 'everyone' together. Would just doing the tea, and delaying your reset day be possible?

Nevermind. I need to read updates.

OakAshRowan · 21/07/2025 10:24

tripleginandtonic · 21/07/2025 10:05

If you've been invited you should try to go. It won't ge all day so plenty of time to rest too.

It has already happened and she didn't go but...

Why should she try to go? She is struggling with recent bereavement and also has health issues. If she doesn't feel up to going she shouldn't go! Why should she put someone else (who only invited her at the last minute because she forgot before that) above herself in this situation? Genuine question.

tripleginandtonic · 21/07/2025 10:05

If you've been invited you should try to go. It won't ge all day so plenty of time to rest too.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 21/07/2025 10:03

@Scramblingeggs they didnt invite you or your dh who is the son/bro??? ye gods, I would not even be sending apologies!!!! I would be hard pushed to even speak to them again!!

PussInBin20 · 21/07/2025 09:13

Well they can’t be that bothered if they forgot to invite you! I wouldn’t go.

Surreymum538 · 21/07/2025 08:26

You really should try to let go of peoples expectations about what you should be doing and start doing what you actually want to do. Once you stop with all that bullshit it’s very liberating.

OakAshRowan · 21/07/2025 08:09

Howtotrainarabbit · 20/07/2025 17:47

If you don't want to go, don't go.

She didn't.

Howtotrainarabbit · 20/07/2025 17:47

If you don't want to go, don't go.

Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 17:44

TheCurious0range · 20/07/2025 16:41

I probably would've gone, it's an afternoon tea so only a couple of hours tops you could've relaxed this morning and this evening and you could've cancelled the plan to take her out separately so would've had more time for yourself overall.

It won't be a couple of hours, there will be expectations to go back to her house afterwards for drinks and presents it would be a full afternoon and early evening, just for context.

She's a nice lady but I can assure you cancelling our plan to take her out and attend today instead would not go down well. She would want both.

OP posts:
GAJLY · 20/07/2025 17:36

Choose one to attend. She can't expect both. Just explain that you cannot afford to do both. Perhaps she'll suggest only attending the afternoon tea? Ask your husband to have a chat with her to check and manage her expectations.

TheCurious0range · 20/07/2025 16:41

I probably would've gone, it's an afternoon tea so only a couple of hours tops you could've relaxed this morning and this evening and you could've cancelled the plan to take her out separately so would've had more time for yourself overall.

AvidJadeShaker · 20/07/2025 16:35

You do the afternoon tea and your DH does the meal
next weekend.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 20/07/2025 16:32

Well silly you. They forgot so that was your very perfect opportunity to say that you had something else on.
they also forgot so clearly didn’t think you are important enough, so why are you sitting dithering and fretting over what to do?
Say you can’t make it and you will see them at the arranged meal the week after.

godmum56 · 20/07/2025 15:54

I just do not get the YABU votes. Invitations are not commands and they actually FORGOT to invite you????????? Take your reset day and relax OP

whynotwhatknot · 20/07/2025 15:29

i wouldnt bther if someone forgot to even invite me

caringcarer · 20/07/2025 15:29

If you've just got your own Mum's ashes back surely your Mil will understand you not being up for a celebration so quickly especially as your own health is not great. Look after yourself OP. Sounds like you and DH were only an afterthought anyway. Just let Bil do this for Mil and you and DH stick to original plan to take her for a meal next weekend.

Original poster
Scramblingeggs · 20/07/2025 15:28

He has gone. He would have preferred me be there of course but understands as he's seen things have been difficult.

She'll have a lovely day I'm sure and I've affirmed treating her next weekend as well.

I would be lying if I said I would feel slightly more guilty if they had remembered to actually invite us in the first place yes.

OP posts:
AngelofIslington · 20/07/2025 15:27

YANBU to not go purely on the basis they forgot to invite you. Your attendance wasn’t high on their list so just say thanks for the late invite but I can’t make it

Ohnobackagain · 20/07/2025 15:23

How does you DH feel about going without you? If fine, I’d get him to go and he can explain that the short notice made it hard for you. If he is not keen, I think I’d make the effort to go with him.

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/07/2025 15:20

Just say "Sorry. Due to late notice can't make it. See you next week". Don't say any more.

OakAshRowan · 20/07/2025 15:19

Deadringer · 20/07/2025 14:50

Can you go the afternoon tea instead of bringing her out next weekend? It might meant a lot to her to have everyone there.

If it meant a lot she would have remembered to invite everyone in the first place.

OP I have also suffered a bereavement recently. Even without the late notice and health issues I would say look after yourself. Take the day if you need it and don't feel guilty. Sometimes we need to put ourselves first.

CoastalCalm · 20/07/2025 15:18

Put your feet up and send DH along - set a precedent that your needs must be considered in terms of your health and focus on next weekend instead. If it was your Mum I’d say push yourself but today I’d say nope

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