Father in law said he couldn’t come help us because he’d be too FKD

She was asking the wrong man, that’s the point.

OP needed her DH with her at the birth, so he can't be in two places at once. And instead of asking a woman he asked his dad. What's your point?

I need OP to come back and explain why she went to work when she was so worried she'd give birth instantly that her DM had to move in

I’d say the OP is asking the wrong man. Maybe she needs to ask her husband why a grown, able-bodied man needs so much help to care for his wife and children when thousands upon thousands of women all around the world manage to raise countless children on their own with no help whatsoever?

And again, stop asking women to step in to fix everything. We are busy enough already.

Women should stick together and not berate one another for daring to ask something of a man.

I was talking about all the domestic labour he is happily accepting from an unwell 72 year old woman. Now that that might be ending he is asking his father to step in. That’s the issue. I’m betting if the OP’s mother was happy to continue providing childcare and domestic labour at the drop of a hat there would be no fall out with his father, as his MIL would be there to take on what should be his role: taking care of his wife and children.

So yes, misogyny is still at work but unfortunately for the OP’s husband he has run out of women to bother and the first man he has tried to guilt trip has said no. A good lesson for all I think.

Why is your mother so tired she needs a break?? Why were you and your husband not looking after her? FIL was probably confused why he was needed when you already had a grandparent at the house.

Also sounds like he doesn't like travelling. Could he be a bit scared. Perhaps he'd come if someone gave him a lift.

@DonnyBurrito

i don’t feel remotely silly. He’ll have a hangover next day - so what? I often get hangovers after a big night out which sounds like this is - his annual work do. So what?? Adults are allowed to drink and get a hangover. It’s not a sign of a lesser person or some kind of moral failure. Poppet.

All and sundry? He asked his dad. Who, by the way, is not a woman.

I would say expecting all and sundry to provide domestic labour and childcare for you when you have a partner is incredibly misogynistic. The OP has a partner. He can do the work and make the necessary arrangements. Why should two generations of women run around after his children?

We're your kids born age 30, then?

"I don't like babies or children, can't think of anything worse!" Has multiple children

Make it make sense.

I can’t imagine not wanting to help my own children if they asked me.But then it’s not something that grandparents have to do either. We don’t have a huge amount of support- don’t see husbands family at all, not seen my dad for years and my mum simply does not babysit. I do have an aunt who helps with childcare if I’m in labour. husband hasn’t been able to attend a single appointment or scan this pregnancy despite it being very eventful- as our trust has a no kids policy, for example. I’m ok with it- in my choice to have kids and generally me and my husband work it all out between ourselves.

With your mum- I can understand her being there incase you have a quick labour. I have extremely quick labours- made it to hospital with 10 minutes to spare last time. But I can’t fathom what she is doing that she is so exhausted. Surely if she is there purely so you have extra hands for labour, then she shouldn’t be doing so much that she needs a break? And once baby arrives surely she was fine to go home? I’ve never had anyone except my husband help after baby has arrived and we are about to have 6 kids. Husband always just takes a month off and he does the childcare, housework etc. it’s his house and his children too, so we never saw the need to rope people in.

The grandad's own words were that he wouldn't be able to babysit the following day because he'd be too hungover from getting "FKD" the night before. I swear most of the people in this thread didn't even read the OP properly.

Yep. MN's definition of family is DNA accidentally shared with people you don't like.
And think of the internalised misogyny spread out across all these pages on this thread. Where's the feminist crowd when we need them?

He had plans. Why should he change them ?

Because his grandchild was due to be born!! What sort of sick, pathologically-individualistic society are we becoming, where people think it's unreasonable to ask your own parents to sack off their own social plans just once, to help you out for the birth of a child??!!

So women should expend even more labour trying to fix the problem of useless men? When does it end?

Xylo, what you're saying implies that men are unreliable so women won't even 'go' there and have kids. That's the problem. This thread exemplifies how women keep finding excuses for useless men. That's not liberation, that's giving up.

Stop having babies. Your family sound pretty helpful when needed, like most of the other posters we didn’t have any support at all due to parents being older living far away so we just have 2 children and accepted it was all on us.

There never was any “village”, just patriarchal nonsense that expected women to constantly provide domestic labour and childcare to all and sundry. I’m so glad so many women are seeing through that nonsense and saying no.

It goes some way to explain falling birth rates in my opinion. Women are no longer seen as an endless source of labour and so fewer women are having babies because they know that they would have to rely solely on their partners rather than their mothers/sisters/aunts/grandmothers to parent their children.

Yes that’s the same in my culture and it’s harmful and misogynistic. Expecting women to do endless amounts of domestic labour and childcare for literally generations is an awful practice and needs to end. Men need to step up and raise their children and look after their partners.

i’m shocked that it has become a badge of honour to raise your children with little to no help. There’s no village anymore and it seems to be frowned upon (in the UK) to have your family help. We’re one & done and I’d definitely not have 3. I love my toddler, but I also need me time and couple time and my mother is happy to help. Having children doesn’t mean “stop existing and never ask for help”.

Are you okay? OPs FIL literally said he was going to be drinking all day and the next day would be 'too FKD' - those were his own words.

I was suggesting that he actually didn't need to drink to excess, so he could still attend the work social AND help his son.

Y'all are weird as heck.

Why are you expecting so much help from other people to raise your children? None of your post is about you wanting your children to spend quality time with their grandparents or to do fun things etc., but all about how they should facilitate your life and your decisions. It’s ridiculous. You have chosen to have three children, you are responsible for raising them, and expecting older people in ill health who live far away to do your child rearing is beyond selfish. Maybe your FIL would take more interest if he didn’t keep getting tapped up for favours?

Oh poppet, grandad himself said he wouldn't be able to support his son because he'd be too 'FKD' to after a day of drinking.

Do you feel silly, now? You should.

I'd argue that liberation only works when the men pull their weight, otherwise without anyone's support, mums are even worse off than before! What really gets my goat on this thread is what an easy ride the bloke's getting. Fair enough, the grandmother's done more than enough, but what about the grandfather eh?