Granddaughter taking over weekends

I don't understand that some people are reacting like you've been asked to donate a kidney. Why can't you respond in more detail - what do you actually expect your son to do? Is he able to afford housing, is he working? Can you help him to find his own place? Or did you just post so that you could feel vindicated by those who say it's not fair, poor you etc? It really doesn't sound like a terrible hardship.

I don’t think anyone is really expecting this huge awful self sacrifice from OP.
Frankly if she was only happy with a child spending on night every two weeks in her house she shouldn’t have agreed to a parent living with her.
The only answer is for him to move out, no grandmother should think it’s remotely reasonable to expect a father to parent his child less as a first solution.

It's also the OP's home, that she is paying for so why should she come last in it?

In terms of being able to buy property, anyone who purchased decades ago had such extreme privilege compared to young people these days. Obviously individual stories do vary, but personally I feel longstanding homeowners should generally be considering how much easier it was for them and factoring this into decisions made,
I bought my property within the last decade, so I’m hardly one of those, but I was lucky on a number of fronts. If I was in the OPs position I would be trying to work with my son to help him get financially stable enough to buy something, I wouldn’t be telling him to go and rent because I like my space. and in the meantime, as others have suggested, some kind of schedule, asking them to get out and about, maybe go away once a month..

Since when is the OP’s responsibility to ensure her son is a decent enough parent ?

And since when is tge OP supposed to bend around what her son wants to do with no input of her own? She just ‘ought to find a way to do her hobbies wo disturbing the father and dd arrangement’….

I hadn’t realise that the OP’s life meant so little that she usnt allowed to have references in her own house. But should merge into the background to help everyone else.

She doesn’t want to though

she wants to be left alone, she’s done her parenting and quite frankly one day a week especially doing board games and homework sounds like hell!!!

Being mean? Of course, the woman has to once again compromise at HER well being. It is her home, she is clearly past 50, works, is tired and needs HER home and live as she did. She shouldn't have to be made to give up her living room EVERY weekend and not have space to do her hobbies. A 50 something woman hardly wants to be confined all weekend to her bedroom in rhe house she pays for. What an absurd idea you have. The son needs to find his own place asap and stop being selfish hogging the living room EVERY weekend. The mother/grandamother loves them, but is feeling like she can't even relax in her own home. She is tired and wants that bit of peace. If that is "mean" then you fail to see how unfair and rude her son is to monopolize the living room every weekend.

I think you need to ask him to go out more. He needs to be out for the day on a Saturday, including dinner out.

Eh? 🫣

I need more details on how this affects your hobbies. Can’t you leave the house to go to hobbies? Or is it you need peace and quiet to paint at home? I’m struggling to see how it can affect this so much?

If you like your own space, you need to ask him to move out

Well don't you sounds lovely and considerate.

You won't answer how long he is likely to there for.
You won't answer if he takes her out at all.
You are letting people see the extremes to confirm your annoyance.

I have no doubt he is trying to save as much as possible for a deposit to rent or to buy. I also imagine he does take her out. But you don't want to say that because then it makes you completely unreasonable.

It's a temporary situation which means that as a grandmother and parent you should try and do your best to support.

You don't stop being a parent when they turn 18.

I get the impression some PPs on here are shitting themselves it could be their ex's mum about to kick off 😂

Since when did "parenting his child" mean plonking her in front of the telly all weekend? there are so many other things he could be doing with her, especially at that age. Parks, museums, a bus out somewhere different, the list is endless. But maybe it's easier for him to sit back and relax and leave it to a woman who has already done her fair share of parenting.

OP in your situation I can't guarantee I wouldn't turn into that crazed old ratbag in NZ who cooked the mushroom pie! I think you have to sit your DS down and explain that when you agreed on him moving in, you didn't expect your space to be so completely obliterated. Surely he can get off his arse and do something more fun with her than just teaching her to become a couch potato.

Is just once per week, why you don't enjoy having your grandchild at home once per week? If I had grandchildren I would be very happy to have them with me. You all could play boardgames, you could help your GD with her homework, have the 3 of you family dinner together etc.. you have another 6 days per week to do your hobbies.

OP, you are totally not unreasonable and I don’t understand some of these comments. You have done your parenting and there’s no reason your needs are being pushed to the bottom of the pile.

You need to talk to your son and work out a way forward. It’s great that he’s co-parenting but he is a guest in your space and needs to realise that. I bet you pick up a lot of slack too around meals, shopping, tidying.

Good luck but be firm. You are entitled to a life you want and enjoy.

I have to say I’m somehow amazed at how much women have been brainwashed into seeing other women only as carers and facilitators.

So here is a man that has separated and has a child.
And the grandmother is been berated because she isn’t automatically delighted to

• have her own grown up son living with her
• have her grand daughter every weekend
• facilitate her son to do the bare minimum parenting wise.

Nope if she isn’t jumping with joy, she is a crap mother, grandmother and woman 🙄🙄

But not one word about the fact this man isn’t able to stand on his own two feet and have his own house or see his dc 50/50. Nope. He needs his mum to facilitate that.

Fuck this game of soldiers and let’s put the responsibility onto him rather than the OP.

@ThePerkyBiscuit I think you need to review your arrangement with your ds.
Why is he living with you rather than having his own house? And for how long did you agree he could stay?

It sounds like you had an agreement (which might have been either his assumption of the split in childcare or a new arrangement with his ex) and he changed that wo checking up with you if you were ok with it.

Time to be assertive, state what’s going on and review your whole arrangement with your ds. Taking YOUR needs into account, not just his or your dgdd

No, it isn't.
It's his mother's home, which he is lodging in.

Why does her watching tv stop you doing your hobbies?? Just go and do them

and you want your son to parent less than once a week?

it all sounds very odd to me

No-one knows how much ‘older’ you are though as you haven’t said.

You could be 45, 49, 59, 69 …

You answered your own post really in your OP, tbh. ‘I feel like saying …’. Yup, say it.

On a practical note. Do you have a separate dining room that you’d be willing to be set up as livingroom two?

How long term is he meant to be lodging with you? It’s clearly not a long or even medium term solution. He needs his own space for him and his child and he should definitely be doing more parenting.

Why should she be restricted to her bedroom in her house exactly?

Completely agree the issue lies with your son. He should taking his DD out for day trips, monitoring screen time/ communal area use and working to ensure the arrangement works for everyone. Do you find it tricky to discuss things with him?

OP as an observation, you mention how women should be supporting women in response to some of the harsher responses, and yet you’ve suggested the ex-partner (a women) should pick up your son’s slack and it’s your granddaughter getting in the way. You could take your own excellent advice imo, and focus your annoyance on your son.

You’ve had alot of comments already, but I would like to agree with those saying he does the bare minimum of parenting already. This really is the very least he can be expected to have her - about 24 hours once a week. Only having that once a fortnight would be a tiny fraction of the childcare and unfair on everyone.

Please don’t discourage him from spending time with his child.

That said, it’s your home not his. So if this isn’t working for you, he needs to move out and get his own place. Then he can perhaps step up to having his child a bit more.

In the meantime, do they really never go out at weekends? I’d encourage them to do that. Re taking over the TV, he really shouldn’t be using all his time with her to watch TV - there should be a majority of the time when it’s not on. He also shouldn’t be passing the care of his dd on to you.

Encourage him to be much more active in his parenting of his child.

Also, as others have said, he’s not having her because ex works, he’s having her to be her parent.

This.
A lot of these posters expecting constant self sacrifice from OP are probably in for a big surprise.