Granddaughter taking over weekends

@soupyspoon
@MrsSunshine2b
Absolutely, astounded at that reply, talk about middle class privilege. this is a young man who has MOVED INTO SOMEONE ELSES HOME, he is not likely to have the money for these things, most families dont actually.
And no doubt if he did that every weekend he would be accused of being a disney dad and disrupting her bedtime routine every week.

Bear in mind my response was to the post that said what is there for a 9 year old to do on a Saturday evening with the poster implying there wasn't anything.

I have also said they were suggestions, they didn't have to be done every week and some are free or cheap.

We used to take our primary school aged kids children to country parks, parks nearby etc in the summer evenings, burn them out, home super and bed.
It wasnt a bad routine actually, free, and exercise, ti.e spent together and then bed.
Dont you do that with your kids?

This is not being a Disney dad, middle class 🙄

funny, I always thought my home was my kids home too.

Each to their own I guess ,but I seem to live on a different planet from many posters. I also still have a bedroom at my parents.. and I am a middle-age mother 😂

But that’s not his home.
That's the OP’s home.

If he wants a home, he needs to get his own. Just now he is a guest. I’m guessing a welcome one and probably a LT one (at least from what the OP said) but that’s not his home where he can decide what’s going on, who comes, stays etc etc…

what a lovely message to a 9 year old. Kids are not stupid, she will absolutely get the resentment and anger against her.

@MumWifeOther

look not everyone is as self sacrificing as you! And that’s ok! OP probably works all week and Saturdays and Sundays she wants to relax - whether that’s crocheting or Pilates in the living room with a YouTube workout or painting or whatever - it’s her house! She can do what she wants. At 29 her son needs to get his shit together. And in the interim stop being so idle and take his daughter out to give his mother some peace. It’s the least he can do.

He's just broken up with his partner and he's turned to his support system, which happens to be his Mum, for help. She's agreed to provide that help.

She can either help her son through this difficult patch, and hopefully he will be very grateful for that and appreciate her support in getting back on his feet, or she can say it's not her problem, she doesn't have a responsibility to help her adult son, and he will probably remember that she wasn't willing to help when he needed her.

What she can't do is allow him to live with her and then set conditions which make it impossible for him to actually live there, including not wanting his daughter to be there.

Having someone live with you is annoying and inconvenient and I really don't like it. However, if any of my close friends or relatives became homeless, or my daughter as an adult, I would allow them to stay here in a heartbeat, and I hope they'd say the same for me.

This. I'd be feeling exactly the same as you.
Talk to your son about it, make him see that he is invading your space with no thought to you.

oh come on, it's such a lazy argument

There are plenty of free activities to do with kids! Or clubs and memberships that cost very little.

I'ts not some random home, it's his mum. In a normal world, family who are happy to help each other out. He's staying until he gets back on his feet, and by saving money on rent, gets a bit of cash to take his kid out.

Or he could, you know, what most of us "middle class" do - overtime or an evening job to get money for the kids.

Some people really deserve to be lonely and miserable in life, honestly, it's tragic. Poor kid.

I hope very much that if any of my kids experienced a relationship breakdown and needed to come and stay with me while they got themselves on their feet, I would have it in me to enjoy their company and having my grandchildren come to stay for the weekend.

I would hope I had the patience and grace to empathise with the children who are going through a difficult phase and offer a safe space where they felt wanted and love. I would hope my children also felt supported.

I sincerely hope I’m not a miserable old cow who values hobbies and my tv over my family.

It changes though, you can't tell an adult what to or influence their behaviour much. There comes a stage when all you can control is your own response.

The weekend is not the only down time though. Even working full time and adult not caring for children during the week has several hours every single day for downtime.

*MumWifeOther · Today 12:55

notacooldad · Today 11:54
shes got a bedroom presumably? It’s ONE evening a week 🙄

Sounds like one evening AND two days,I.e. every Saturday and Sunday.

Boo hoo.
OK Saint Mumwifeother, I'm sure you wouldn't mind having your house, routine, hobbies etc disrupted with no end in sight but some older women , and I include myself here, would find it knackering, especially if you have lived a certain way and enjoyed it.

It would be very different if there was a time frame attached to the arrangement but if all you can envisage is much of the same for years with no end it can be disheartening.

* personally I think at one night a week the OP should take it as a positive time for a relationship with her grand daughter - I feel sorry for the young girl if she’s seen as a nuisance. - and I’m not a mega family/child minded person either - but this seems exceptionally mean spirited *
I agree with this

I agree with relationship building and bonding etc but the timing has been forced on the Op and also it is in the father's custody time meaning he is dodging out of his role if mum takes over.

Absolutely, astounded at that reply, talk about middle class privilege. this is a young man who has MOVED INTO SOMEONE ELSES HOME, he is not likely to have the money for these things, most families dont actually.

And no doubt if he did that every weekend he would be accused of being a disney dad and disrupting her bedtime routine every week.

I agree with this

I doubt very much that any of you women who think your kids stop being your problem at the age of 20 something ever really gave 110% to your kids.

Absolutely appalling to consider your child and grandchild a burden.

She has 6 nights per week to have the living room all to herself.

Maybe you’ll all end up lonely and then be finally happy. You reap what what you sow.

I don’t think that’s what the OP is suggesting, the issue is that he’s parenting in her home and she’s used to living alone and having her own space. I assume the OP works in the week so the weekends are important for hobbies and just relaxing.

She’s not there 7 days a week. I would have thought Saturday into Sunday would be fine.

And she’s 9, she’s not a toddler who’s constantly touching and breaking all your stuff and requiring constant supervision.

it also presumably won’t be forever.

If I’m honest I’d view this as opportunity for some real bonding time with your granddaughter.

I understand that you love your peace, but you’ve got 5 full days of peace when she’s not there. They are also not stopping you going out at the weekends, so you are not restricted in any way.

I would just suggest that you find things you can all watch on tv together.

Why is your 29 year old DS living with you? It’s pretty pathetic for a grown adult to do that at such an age.

Im afraid you’ve raised a man baby and have to live with the consequences of that. I’d be embarrassed if I were him.

Please please don’t make your granddaughter feel like this is her fault. Your son needs to find a place to live. But of course the girl wants to feel at home, she’s too young to understand, or be expected to keep out of sight. She’s at school all week and deserves to be able to relax. Your issue is with your son.

@Gagamama2 personally I think at one night a week the OP should take it as a positive time for a relationship with her grand daughter - I feel sorry for the young girl if she’s seen as a nuisance. - and I’m not a mega family/child minded person either - but this seems exceptionally mean spirited .

Organisation solves this. Where do you normally do your hobbies? What are they? Can you re-locate them elsewhere? Do they take up lots of space? Is there room in the house to separate for some of the day?
And also what things do you enjoy doing with your GD? You could spend some time doing those. Take her shopping on Saturday morning i.e. go to the library and borrow books/local market etc - not supermarket shopping - and then go for tea and a cake/soft drink and a cake together. Get to know your GD.
Find other things to do with GD - painting, reading, watching films together?
You can also suggest days out both with DS and GD and that they go on their own leaving the house to you occasionally. Not every week-end (because you are going into town with GD and having fun together) but occasionally on a random basis.
It's really difficult to have the house invaded by your family all the time. When my DS came to live with us and brought DGC every other week-end it drove both late DH and me mad! We tended to retreat to the front room and leave the back sitting room and kitchen area to DS and DGC. Can you do this?

I also used to take DGC to the cinema etc on my own - to films they'd enjoy and I wouldn't be driven mad by!
I don't have hobbies but I do write and paint (and read a fair amount) so there wasn't a space problem, which you may have. But these things are solvable and you can build a relationship with DGD that will repay your efforts tenfold in the future.

When will ds be able to move out?
Suggest ds does an activity with dgc on a Saturday.
Set a tv up in ds room so they can have father daughter tv time on an evening

So he had her when he was 20?

It's all weekend.

Assuming she works in the week, it's all of her downtime.

Everyone needs and is allowed downtime.

There is no moral victory in martyrdom.

You sound cold. I had one set of grandparents like you, didn’t like children around. Thankfully, I had another set who wanted to see me all the time.