Not invited to DSis big birthday

They don't sound like very nice people, the very opposite of how you come across.
What is disturbing is not only do they find it comfortable to exclude you and your husband but also your children, their grandchildren/niece and nephew. Unacceptable and while they may consider themselves better than you and your family their actions show them as being rude, ignorant and abusive. You all deserve better.

@50FreezeOut1 cpuld you have a chat with your aunt about it? I suspect she might be able to shine a light.

But I’m afraid Theres a simple explanation.
you were the black sheep if the family. And still are. No amount of ‘seif improvement’ will have changed that.

You’re also the only one who has ‘strayed’. They all ‘chose’ high paid corporate career. So did you to start with. Your DM is ashamed on how ‘poorly’ (to her!) you’ve done- she can’t boast about what you’ve achieved. That’s the family script. And you’ve broken away from it. For something that nourishes your heart.
It won’t be welcome. People who break the scrip and follow their heart (and integrity) are never welcome 😢
Your family (siblings and DM) will talk about having different lifes and having nothing in common anymore. But basically you’ve gone too far from the acceptable norm (to them).

I feel for you. Realising that your own family just doesn’t like you, or that your DM isn’t proud of you because you chose a different road is heartbreaking.
I hope you’ll find some peace and can stay in contact with the rest of the family.

Just a consideration but could it be that they have some sort of aversion to your husband attending their gatherings? There doesn’t appear to be an obvious reason not to invite you.

The only way you will know if to ask
whether you do on the group so all see answers

or

go and see and ask face to face

By Ignoring this behaviour and getting on with your life does not make you a carpet to be walked over. It is making the family know that you couldn’t give two hoots if you wasn’t invited to their gatherings.

Let them have their way and not invite you, would you really want to be around family that are like that anyway?

Let it go and they will soon come crawling.

There is a slightly odd dynamic in my DH’s extended family along these lines @50FreezeOut1

One sister works in healthcare, is quite leftwing with a social conscience and two children who went through the state system. The other sister married a very wealthy man, has never worked, kids are privately educated and have their own ponies, etc, etc. The parents were also wealthy and think the sun shines out of non working daughter’s ass and are embarrassed by the other daughter (though not to the point of not inviting her to family events thankfully). The two sisters though close as children loathe each other now.

This whole sad situation might be nothing more than plain old fashioned snobbery fuelled by your mum’s judgement of your relative successfulness. Shitty and unnecessary though.

No need to rush to do anything. Take your time and maybe see if you can access a bit of therapy to unpack it all. But generally even if you don't end up telling them exactly what you think of them, reassess their values and consider whether they are worth your time and care.

I’d also be inclined to also ask ‘and why did you go along with it.’

Op, they’re horrible to have done this but the sad fact is - your mum doesn’t have your back.

So hurtful.

I’ve had a similar situation but with the in-laws. After years wondering what we’d done wrong I just realised there wasn’t a seat for us at the table and made my peace with it.

Incidentally this weekend there was a party and we were invited, but I decided to attend a concert instead, and had a fabulous time.

Can understand that you don’t want to be seen as the cause of family fall out (not that I think you are), but for your own sanity I’d keep my distance.

I don’t have much to add to this but as a mother of 2 very different children in their 20s who don’t really socialise together, I would be very upset if one of them did this. It’s deliberate and spiteful and I’m bewildered how everyone went along with it-including your own mother. I couldn’t imagine being mean to my kids. Is there anyone in your family who is very dominant-who could possibly have suggested excluding you for whatever reason and railroaded it through? I would have to say something directly to either your mother or sister and explain how hurt you are that a parent /sibling could behave like that. You sound d a completely normal person and I’m sorry.

@50FreezeOut1 So it’s not money, you’re not critical of their lifestyles/beliefs, and you haven’t had any fallings-out with anyone.

Then I think that @SquallyShowersLater post probably nails it, even though it makes no sense. 💐

OP, my Dad was treated similarly by his family. He studied science (not what my DGP considered a good money-making degree), we had a ok middle class life but nothing like his siblings who were successful businessmen. While my DGM was alive we had to attend all family get-togethers and i hated them, my siblings hated them and my DM hated them (I acutely felt being treated as a poor relation even though objectively we were not poor at all). Grandchildren were also ranked in order of preference based on their parents' perceived worth. All it achieved was me keeping minimal communication with my cousins once I moved away and trying to avoid anything wider family related on that side.
Unfortunately, these things happen through no fault of your own. I bet your DC will start feeling a level of inequality at some point

You need to be more honest with them and just ask what the issue is , cancelling seeing your mum tomorrow and blaming the weather is a cop out and you are just allowing them to treat you badly .

Sorry I didn’t mean to imply you were cash strapped.

Your last paragraph is sad to read. You've come across really well on the thread so far and I'm sorry you have a family of arseholes.

If you are not hiding a huge backstory where you slept with her husband, your family has no justification for how they did that. They prefer to slap your face than talk it over.

I think they collectively feel better than you because they earn more or something equally pitiful, and you're better off putting your positive energy into people worth your time.

I'm sorry but for some reason they don't like having you there - and the feeling is not limited to your Dsis. None of us can say if its justified or not from what we know, but the fact it isn't just your Dsis and the fact they don't enjoy you being at these functions is plain.

Having read all of your posts on the thread, I can only echo this above. But honestly, I am baffled as to what their reasons could be. You have been very open and forthcoming with all the questioned fired at you, you seem self-aware, sane, likeable, normal, well behaved in public, even if you do have slightly different priorities political values and a more laid back lifestyle, you haven't got two heads and you don't seem to have any major red flags about you that might make you an absolute PITA at parties. I am at a loss. It must be hurtful and bewildering for you. I think you should get one of them, either your mother or your sister and just demand to know why they do this to you.

I have a feeling that op isn’t the kind of person who could send a text like this but she really should send it. Exactly as written. I bet she would be given more respect. I have found that sadly it doesn’t pay to be “nice”.

Hi OP, I’ve read your posts, but not the whole of the thread. I just wanted to say that I’m always cut out of family events (and it’s only me and one sibling). I have gone over and over why, putting myself down as too boring, or sensitive, or uncool, but I eventually decided to accept that it is what it is. That was for my own peace of mind. I wish I had a close family, but I don’t and that’s not through lack of trying on my part. There’s no point questioning as it will be “my fault.”

Anyway, I have a lovely husband, wonderful friendship networks, and a good career.

Fuck em.

Ok, this is absolutely awful behaviour, it’s not like your absence wouldn’t have been noticed and talked about. Clearly there’s an underlying issue here, and your mother is the perfect person to intermediate, it seems like your sister is unwilling to discuss anything with you directly.

You sound like a lovely person, @50FreezeOut1 and your family do not sound like lovely or good people. I’m really sorry they’ve been like this.

My own family have been disappointing in a different way but the outcome is similar in that my parents just aren’t very interested in me or my children. It doesn’t matter how you deal with it - it still feels hurtful. You have my sympathies. I’ve found like much easier to enjoy my life and let go when I think of my family as just ordinary people who make bad choices and that their behaviour is not a personal thing.

I know they are your family but what absolute bastards. I’m so sorry OP, you sound very lovely. They, on the other hand…

I think I'd probably do this. I'm not saying it's the correct thing necessarily, but I think it's how I'd react. I'd be very, very hurt, and not sure I'd be able to forgive them all, especially the sis.

That is what I wondered. But they could have asked and let OP decide for herself.

From your update, could it be they think you can’t afford the place they were eating?

@50FreezeOut1 please dont make any attempts to meet with them. let them contact you in the future, if ever. I doubt they will get in touch and have only been doing so out of duty. better off on your only anyway. you can choose your friends but you cannot choose your family. they are just jumped up snobs.