Page 7 | Not invited to DSis big birthday

1543click · 20/07/2025 21:33

I actually think it's strange you didn't get straight onto whatsap and ask them straight why you weren't included. That fact in itself says something about your relationship with them I think. There's no way my family would leave something like this unquestioned .

Original poster

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 21:28

Dymaxion · 20/07/2025 21:23

Out of interest where are you age wise in comparison to your Sister, younger or older ?
Happy people don't pull this sort of shit, I do wonder if she is hitting menopause and has bright young things snapping at her heels professionally and you being the useful and normal scapegoat are taking the hit for her feelings of inadequacy ?

I'm the youngest but we're really close in age between all of us. I'm not sure Sis50 has an inadequacy complex. Probably the opposite. But having not worked with her professionally we can often be different from how we are with close family and friends. I do get the sense she isn't entirely happy because once she's had a drink she's a terrible gossip. Perhaps it's me she's been bitching about and she's talked herself into dropping me.

OP posts:

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/07/2025 21:28

Pipsquiggle · 20/07/2025 07:25

@50FreezeOut1 what would you like the outcome of this to be?
Ongoing to be invited to all big family events?
Them to acknowledge that they've behaved poorly?

I live away from the rest of my family (about 3 and a half hours), I don't get invited to Sunday lunches etc but I do get invited to big events/birthdays. Less than an hour away is nothing.

Are your family one of those that unless you live around the corner they think it's too much of an effort for you to make it? I do know families like this who essentially think that moving further away they no longer feel the need to include that family member.

In which case, you are going to have to make it clear to ALL of them that of course you would have come to the 50th birthday lunch. That an hour away is not that far. That being excluded has made you feel very sad as you love them and want to be included particularly for birthdays.

Personally I would meet your mum and ask how the birthday lunch was and I would ask her why she thinks you weren't invited. See if it is the above.

If you can ring them all individually, I would. If not I would write on the family WhatsApp 2 messages.
1 saying hope you all had a lovely lunch out and that DSIs had a great birthday.

The second outlining:
Dear family, I was really upset to not be invited to the birthday lunch, I know I live slightly further away but I always would prioritise my family's birthdays / celebrations. Ongoing please could I be invited. If I have done something that has offended you, please let me know as at the moment I have no idea why I wouldn't be invited. I love you all and would like to be invited to family birthdays / events. I may not be able to attend them all but I will try to make it work. Lots of love.......

No to this course of action, far to chummy when they have ostracised her.

Wall810 · 20/07/2025 21:28

I would have contacted her immediately by telephone after seeing the photos and asked for an explanation rather than ‘stewing’ over it.

Original poster

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 21:25

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/07/2025 21:09

Everything else aside, @50FreezeOut1, your parents and siblings are just plain ill-mannered. How rude they have been and are being, to leave you out like that, with no apparent reason. No couth at all.
Where is your father in all this? And was your aunt there this time? Could you ring her now and ask her what she thinks is going on?

My DF goes along with things for a quiet life, hence managing to stay married to my narc DM. But I think I will ask him this week for his take on things. He is usually the voice of reason of anyone bothers to ask him.

I'm seeing my DA in a couple of weeks so would rather do it face to face. She wasn't there but I know she was on holiday with her kids and grandkids.

OP posts:

Dymaxion · 20/07/2025 21:23

Out of interest where are you age wise in comparison to your Sister, younger or older ?
Happy people don't pull this sort of shit, I do wonder if she is hitting menopause and has bright young things snapping at her heels professionally and you being the useful and normal scapegoat are taking the hit for her feelings of inadequacy ?

Original poster

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 21:22

@Calliopespa I think you've hit the nail on the head. Again!

From your update, it strikes me that the reason you get excluded could be you have a less high-powered job, simpler lifestyle, less income and vote Labour. In other words, maybe they are just snobs.😶

I've always known my DM was a snob when she had nothing to boast about regarding my career and her sister had to ask me what I actually did because DM was - not necessarily secretive - but not forthcoming. But I think you're absolutely right. My siblings are snobs and they have decided we have nothing in common and they'll just write me out of things. Perhaps Sis50 would have been embarrassed to introduce me to the friends who came to the meal 😂

I've been to plenty of her parties in the past and her friends even friend requested me on Facebook because we got on so well. But I didn't recognise many of the friends in the meal photos. Maybe she's 'upgraded' her friend set and I'm NFI!

OP posts:

Steelworks · 20/07/2025 21:21

Have you had a chance to speak to your family yet? I wouldn’t let it go. I had a friend who ghosted me twenty years ago. I don’t know why. I still wonder why.

TheaBrandt1 · 20/07/2025 21:19

Maybe they perceive you as judgemental and self righteous. Your choice not to “follow the money” as they did but to do a worthy vocational career may grate and make them think you are judging them so they see you as a buzz kill. Not saying this is fair or reasonable in any way but from your overview that’s the only explanation I can draw.

Easipeelerie · 20/07/2025 21:17

I’d use the ‘let them’ philosophy. They’re doing what they want and there’s nothing you can do to stop them, but you can alter what you do yourself. I would stop seeing any of them including your mum tho make an exception for the aunt.
Not only are you dealing with this current very blatant exclusion, you’ve also had to deal with years of rejection and learnt to mask your feelings to make yourself palatable to them. It’s shocking you’ve had to do this whilst they’ve not even come close to doing similar.
None of them deserve a second more of your time. Block them all.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 20/07/2025 21:09

Everything else aside, @50FreezeOut1, your parents and siblings are just plain ill-mannered. How rude they have been and are being, to leave you out like that, with no apparent reason. No couth at all.
Where is your father in all this? And was your aunt there this time? Could you ring her now and ask her what she thinks is going on?

WhiteWriting · 20/07/2025 21:08

They are a bunch of cunts. Sorry this happened to you.

Weepixie · 20/07/2025 21:06

I would put something short on the group chat along the lines of, seen the fb photos of dsis 50th, would have loved to have been there to celebrate, whats the reason for not inviting me? It’s very upsetting!

Op I’d go with something like the above but I wouldn’t say I was upset as it will only give them some power over you whilst making you look weak.

Finish anything you say to them with - what’s the reason for not inviting me.

Strawberrri · 20/07/2025 21:06

^^this is a good suggestion - but I would do whatever you feel you need to do - or do nothing, whatever suits you best - how easy is it to not see them much at all in the future, that will affect your decision - this was a nasty thing of them to do imv.

Eddielizzard · 20/07/2025 21:06

I think some people thrive on creating a black sheep and being able to direct negative energy somewhere so it really makes sense to me that this is how they treated you when you were young. The fact that you've made your own choices and are so clearly comfortable with them allows them to continue their narrative: she's not like US.

I personally would fade them out. They are intent on causing hurt. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. I wouldn't comment on the photo. I just wouldn't be available anymore. I'd grey the fucking rock out of the lot of them.

Sounds like your DH is an absolute star and a keeper. You have your own lovely family and friends. Leave this really toxic cloud behind you and move on with your life.

nutbrownhare15 · 20/07/2025 21:06

I think you do need to say something and the WhatsApp group may be a good way to do it. They may respond by excluding you but they are doing that anyway. I think your authenticity and values are threatening to them. It's very upsetting but they don't deserve you in their lives if they are going to treat you like this. Shameful of all your siblings and as a mother I can't fathom how she would sanction one of her kids not being invited.

Pipsquiggle · 20/07/2025 21:05

I would still ask why they didn't invite you.

All of these musings are in your head. They might be right, they might not be.

Aimtodobetter · 20/07/2025 21:05

Is it at all possible this is just a genuine mistake on their part with no one thinking to invite you? I know it sounds strange but frankly you come across really well on your posts and I can't work out why you wouldn't make the cut - plus nothing you says about your family suggests they are the sort of terrible people to deliberately exclude you for no reason so its super weird if they really did.

DoubleBoubles · 20/07/2025 21:01

I feel really sad for you op, what an awful thing for your family to do.

I would put something short on the group chat along the lines of, seen the fb photos of dsis 50th, would have loved to have been there to celebrate, whats the reason for not inviting me? It’s very upsetting!

You might not get any answers but regardless for your own sanity you need to distance yourself. Concentrate on the people that care about you. It will be hard at first but eventually you’ll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 21:00

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 19:48

Thank you to everyone who has shared their perspective. The questions asked are really helping me to see what it could be. I've taken a long time to reply because I wanted to read lots of people's views before responding. Sometimes on these threads everyone says the same thing on the first couple of pages then different perspectives come through later that can shed different light on the issue. Also I have been out for the day with the DC and didn't want to read the thread whilst with them because it would bring the reality of the situation back to me and make me not very good company.

Answering some questions:

No I don't have a drink problem. I drink the least but not in a judgemental of their drinking way.

We're all full siblings and our DPs are still together.

We live close enough to drive there and drive back in an evening. DH always offers to drive so I can drink with them.

I'm really accommodating with meeting when and where suits them. When the DC were little I gave parameters because of naps but otherwise would make it work.

There is a wealth gap with me the poorest. I chose a vocational career which I absolutely love. They chose corporate highly paid highly stressful roles (although are very senior now so less stress in a way). I'm not bothered that they earn more than me because I made the choice to be happy at work rather than earn a lot. I know you can have both but the corporate career I started in was relentless so over a decade ago I switched out into non corporate and have never regretted it.

Looking particularly at @WhereYouLeftIt explanation. I am the black sheep/scapegoat and have been since I was a child. But I worked really hard at not being controversial or hard work. Hence I now have lots of friends. I'm consciously that nice new version around them because I am acutely self aware.

I feel disappointed rather than angry about this. I'm upset because I don't know what I've done wrong because if I knew I definitely wouldn't have done it or if I knew I would apologise for it.

I'm not more successful in comparison to them. I'd go so far as to say my DM has been embarrassed about my comparative lack of boast-able success in the past. I'm doing what I love, find meaning in my work and can afford a 'normal' lifestyle. By that I mean a mortgaged house, long term doer-upper, bog standard car, 1 foreign holiday a year in a European destination - all different from my new Tesla owning, multiple foreign holiday going, mortgage free siblings. But I'm genuinely not envious because I don't want to do what they do for a living to earn the kind of money you need for those things.

I lived two hours away for a couple of years in my 20s but deliberately moved closer once my Sisters starting having kids so I could be nearby for every family event. In the 20+ years since I have never opted out of one for any reason other than simply not being available e.g. holidays, important prior engagements. I've always bent over backwards to accommodate them and DH fell into line with that when I met him. It was taken as read that's what I needed/wanted to do.

I decided to cancel my Monday with my DM. The weather isn't looking great so I've blamed it on that and suggested other dates later in the holidays to buy me time to decide what to do.

With regards 'there must be more to this. What are you hiding?' please do ask me any direct questions about what might have happened in the past or things I may or may not have done. If there was something obvious to me e.g. my political views then I would include it to help people help me make sense of it. But as I say, I am very aware that there are topics to avoid so I do.

I'm not vegan or over/underweight. I'm neither beautiful nor successful. I have 2 wonderful DC 1DS and 1DD. They are easy to get on with when they come to family events. They are interesting and interested (early teens). I knew DH was the one for me because he was the first of my boyfriends to really get on with my friends and family without any awkwardness. He's easy going and remembers things about people and asks them e.g. how their ski trip was.

I get on particularly well with my DM's Sis who I'm meeting with my DC over the holidays. She was there at the DM 'spontaneous' lunch when I was excluded and afterwards apologised on behalf of everyone who was there and didn't think to invite me. It wasn't necessarily her apology to make per se but I really appreciated that someone there saw it was wrong and apologised that it had happened. That validated my hurt that time.

My Bro missed a Christmas get together last Christmas because of a last minute holiday with his then partner. Sis50 was really annoyed with him not being there for an event she'd organised. But there he was at her 50th not me! (Who was there at Christmas).

This point by @Calliopespa is really helpful in helping me understand the situation more clearly.

I'm sorry but for some reason they don't like having you there - and the feeling is not limited to your Dsis. None of us can say if its justified or not from what we know, but the fact it isn't just your Dsis and the fact they don't enjoy you being at these functions is plain.

You are right. They don't want me there. Which helps make my decision not to be there in future. Knowing they feel this about me would mean I would no longer enjoy it. And knowing they would enjoy it more if I wasn't there makes things so clear. Thank you.

I'm sorry if that summary was quite blunt, but I did mean it to be helpful in untangling the strands and I'm glad that it seems to have been.

From your update, it strikes me that the reason you get excluded could be you have a less high-powered job, simpler lifestyle, less income and vote Labour. In other words, maybe they are just snobs.😶

That's nothing to beat yourself up abut. The fact your relative apologised on their behalf reinforces this idea in my mind; it's as if she sees it for what it is. Totally understandable if that's hurtful, but some people are just inexplicably stuck-up and superficial and you shouldn't feel guilt or shame. If that's what it is, be glad you dodged the bullet because it certainly took out many round and about you! Enjoy your DH and DC and lean into that life - fully able to value it for what it is.

Original poster

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 20:53

Animatic · 20/07/2025 20:24

OP, my Dad was treated similarly by his family. He studied science (not what my DGP considered a good money-making degree), we had a ok middle class life but nothing like his siblings who were successful businessmen. While my DGM was alive we had to attend all family get-togethers and i hated them, my siblings hated them and my DM hated them (I acutely felt being treated as a poor relation even though objectively we were not poor at all). Grandchildren were also ranked in order of preference based on their parents' perceived worth. All it achieved was me keeping minimal communication with my cousins once I moved away and trying to avoid anything wider family related on that side.
Unfortunately, these things happen through no fault of your own. I bet your DC will start feeling a level of inequality at some point

Funnily enough I got a BSc and my DM was flabbergasted I'd got a science degree! It was a social science so perhaps not biology/chemistry/physics but despite me studying it and graduating in it (which she attended) it wasn't until DH framed my certificate she realised I was a 'scientist'. She'd always imagined me as the 'arty farty' type (her words). 🤷🏼‍♀️

@MoveOverToTheSea I think you're right that I 'strayed' off the accepted path. And no amount of self improvement will change how they feel about my choices. I've always said to my DC just do what you love. Don't worry about the end result because if you love doing it it will lead you to the right career path and you will be happy.

I did an A Level my DM thought was a complete waste of time (think philosophy or something similar). It was my favourite one and the one I use most in my personal and work life. I did it because I was interested in it and it led me to people who are equally interesting. If you put my friends and my sisters in the same room the two groups would have nothing in common! But I can be a social chameleon and get on with lots of people in social situations. I've always got on with my sisters and brother when we meet up which is why this slow fade exclusion is so unexpected.

OP posts:

Spinmerightroundbaby · 20/07/2025 20:52

50FreezeOut1 · 19/07/2025 22:42

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents.

AIBU to be upset at not being invited?

Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs.

This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all.

The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Unless you’ve recently had a row or there’s a significant back story with you and your family you haven’t included in the OP, this is hurtful and spiteful behaviour. Personally, I would message and say ‘I’ve seen on FB posts that you had a birthday party and I wasn’t invited. Have I done something to upset you?’ I’d just keep it quite short and to the point, but otherwise it’s going to fester.

Dymaxion · 20/07/2025 20:48

Regardless of how you broach the subject, be prepared for them to become defensive and possibly go LC with you, some people deal with their shitty behaviour being raised by doubling down.

knor · 20/07/2025 20:44

This is really upsetting OP!
I would send a message right away but frame it kindly. “Is everything okay between us, saw the pictures from your bday?” There could be an explanation (unlikely but you never know.)
i personally WOULD mention it to my parents. My parents/family would have addressed this if I (or one of my siblings) wasn’t invited to a group thing before it even happened tbh but obviously don’t know your situation/relationships.
if you don’t want to send a message, maybe start a casual convo with your mother “how was the meal/party?” And see what she says. Ultimately, think it needs to be addressed so you know where you stand. My partners family brush everything under the rug so there’s so much resentment which drives me MAD whereas I’d rather have honesty and talk things out. Good luck!

Flamingos89 · 20/07/2025 20:41

There definitely needs to be more context to this.

Noway could this be totally out the blue otherwise your entire family are horrible.

Are you close to your family? Have there been issues in the past?