Page 6 | Not invited to DSis big birthday

50FreezeOut1 · 2025-07-19T21:42:56+00:00

My DSis turned 50 yesterday and I've found out today she had a birthday meal out with her friends, my siblings and our parents. AIBU to be upset at not being invited? Photos look to be about 10 friends plus DB (no partner at the moment) and DSis+DBIL. Plus DB's son and DSis daughter and son. Plus DM and DF. Plus DSis50 and DBIL and their DDs. This came as a complete surprise. We caught up at May half term and hung out for a weekend, DSis50, her family and mine. A month or so ago I messaged my siblings to arrange a joint 50th gift which cost me a considerable amount of time and effort. No one mentioned it to me at all. The reason I'm posting is because I'd like some advice about what I do next. The photos aren't attempting to hide the meal out. Of course I would see them. I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing?

Hopingtobeaparent · 20/07/2025 22:41

I like the suggestion of focusing on those who you actually like. DF and DA. The rest sound like not nice people, and certainly not your people. If you’re making such an effort to get along, maybe they sense that, or that something is off?

And obviously, focus on your own friends and family etc.. the people who like you, and take an interest in your life.

You may look back in a few years and feel this has been freeing.

I hope so!

Good luck!

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 22:34

Cornishclio · 20/07/2025 22:28

I would make the effort with DA and DF then. Sadly it seems that they don’t share your political views and have let that come between you. They probably aren’t nice people if they seem more interested in status/money etc etc.

I agree.

Definitely do the therapy for your own wellbeing but take the power away from them and choose who you want a relationship with. Which sounds like it’s your father and your aunt only. So make occasional arrangements to meet up with or talk with them only in the same way you would already.

For the others just drop the rope. Mute the what’s app and never initiate contact with any of them. If they contact you and want something from you, just politely decline to provide it. And otherwise leave their messages on read but don’t respond. And see how that feels!

Cornishclio · 20/07/2025 22:28

I would make the effort with DA and DF then. Sadly it seems that they don’t share your political views and have let that come between you. They probably aren’t nice people if they seem more interested in status/money etc etc.

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:27

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 22:24

Something I have considered from the feedback on this thread is therapy. I do know (and tell my DC!) you can't change other people or make them do what you want. You can only control how you feel and how you react. My work offers access to therapy and it doesn't have to be work related. I just want to come to terms with being the black sheep/scapegoat, get over it and be happy.

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You should definitely take up the therapy offered by your work, I think it will really help you to reframe the situation and put your own boundaries in place.

I'm sorry again you're going through this, it's so unfair.

Original poster

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 22:24

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:16

Based on your update OP it does sound like your DM is a narcissist and you have been designated the family scapegoat.

No normal loving mother would treat her child like this, or be ashamed because you're in a regular job rather than a high powered one.

Earlier on the thread I said you should call them out, but now I would simply leave the WhatsApp group and block them until you've got a clearer head.

You've done so well for yourself growing up in that dynamic and it sounds like you've created a lovely family unit of your own, so focus on them. As a PP said, your parents and siblings attitude towards you would transfer to your DC and you really don't want them exposed to that.

Please also consider getting some therapy for yourself to help you process all of this.

It's 100% on them, it's nothing you've done, and you need to protect yourself and your own little family now.

Something I have considered from the feedback on this thread is therapy. I do know (and tell my DC!) you can't change other people or make them do what you want. You can only control how you feel and how you react. My work offers access to therapy and it doesn't have to be work related. I just want to come to terms with being the black sheep/scapegoat, get over it and be happy.

OP posts:

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:21

Also I'm sorry to say it but behind almost every narcissistic mother is an enabling father. Ultimately he will always put her first as he's been trained to do. This is usually the hardest thing for people to accept, and the enabler is the seemingly decent parent. But he should be supporting you, not going along with this cruelty.

Sakura7 · 20/07/2025 22:16

Based on your update OP it does sound like your DM is a narcissist and you have been designated the family scapegoat.

No normal loving mother would treat her child like this, or be ashamed because you're in a regular job rather than a high powered one.

Earlier on the thread I said you should call them out, but now I would simply leave the WhatsApp group and block them until you've got a clearer head.

You've done so well for yourself growing up in that dynamic and it sounds like you've created a lovely family unit of your own, so focus on them. As a PP said, your parents and siblings attitude towards you would transfer to your DC and you really don't want them exposed to that.

Please also consider getting some therapy for yourself to help you process all of this.

It's 100% on them, it's nothing you've done, and you need to protect yourself and your own little family now.

Original poster

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 22:16

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 22:00

Another thing which may help @50FreezeOut1 is to think very coldly and objectively about which of them you actually like and would choose to spend time with if not related.

It seems for example your dad is in the keeper pile. What about your mum. Are all the siblings objectively keepers or just some of them/their children only

Once you know who you value in their own right, you could then assess whether they would want to continue a relationship with you and reach out to them individually if so, and just let the others drop quietly.

Its honestly liberating when you can get to the place where it’s you choosing and defining the relationship rather than others.

I had this conversation with my BF after the first exclusion. The honest answer is I would choose none of them to hang out with. They aren't my kind of people because they value money and status over being a nice person. However, I have at no point even vaguely let on about that because there in lies arguments. They tell each other how much they earn and I sit there listening not contributing but also not rejecting or withdrawing from the conversation. Probably grey rocking to be honest! But one on one I can find lots to talk about because I'm genuinely interested in their DC and what they're up to.

My DF is a reflective person so he's really good to talk to and also I find him really interesting in terms of his interests. My DM pooh poohs his hobbies, interests etc but I find people who are energised and enthusiastic about something really interesting. We don't have to agree but we never fall out because we listen to each other's point of view.

My DM picked a really obvious fight about something Labour had done which I also disagreed with (think winter fuel allowance or similar) and she tried really hard to get angry at me but I wouldn't bite. My DF asked me my opinion on a fiscal policy (🤓 honestly I promise I did not start these conversations!) and I explained it to him in a way which helped him rethink his position on it. Sis50 was complaining about it at Christmas and DF actually defended it using my argument!

So no. Objectively we don't have a lot in common but that's no reason to be cruel to someone in your family and cut them out. I could have been sat with DH and DC at one end, next to DF and DM and noone would have had to talk to me! Obviously you only have my word for it but it happens fairly frequently that I meet the friends of my friends and they end up friend requesting me or swapping numbers. I promise I'm not boasting but I do easily get on with people.

My DA and I get on well and we meet up a couple of times a year because she lives a long way away but we always manage to find something that works for both of us. My DA mentioned last time we met that Sis50 never asks how her DC and GC are but always goes on about how her own DC are doing. So even my DA (who is absolutely lovely) had a bit of a moan about Sis50. DA wasn't invited to the meal but she's less close to my siblings than me because they don't make the effort with her that I do. I genuinely like her.

OP posts:

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 22:12

whitewineandsun · 20/07/2025 22:00

This... all of this.

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Right. Based on the OPs replies, she seems self aware and not entitled or the type to start arguments, and yes this might well be the case.

Bottom line anyway, if any of them hate her for any reason at all, they are foul hypocrites for taking presents from her and including her in group chats. If you despise someone enough to treat them like this, you simply don't engage with them. There is one reason only to do so, and that's to rub her face in it.

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 22:10

Laura95167 · 20/07/2025 21:43

Id just ask. Dsis directly in an attempt to get honesty or DM if I wanted to play it politically

But either way id say - how come i wasn't invited to the birthday meal?

I certainly wouldn't feel better isolating myself further and secretly huffing. Id absolutely need to know

She asked the last time they did this, they did not answer. Of course going cap in hand to them again is a terrible idea, and it's not secretly huffing to simply ignore people who have chosen to exclude you, it's just getting on with your life without their drama.

JustSaying10 · 20/07/2025 22:06

This has made me so sad OP. I bet you are warm and interesting and that people are naturally drawn to your orbit. Your family should be proud of that, it should be special to them. But I suspect their insecurities are the issue here. In their minds, they are the successful ones, the ones who did it by the book so why does everyone end up talking to you? If you're not there, their social skills are less of an issue.

whitewineandsun · 20/07/2025 22:00

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/07/2025 16:51

The back story is often that children are assigned family roles, one being Golden Child and the other Scapegoat. Nothing the child has actually done 'qualifies' them for the role, they are essentially randomly assigned by a narcissistic parent (the other parent usually being a more passive Enabler of the Narcissist - anything for a quiet life, eh? Even if it involves fucking up your kids.)

Golden Child - sun shines out of their arse, praised for remembering to breathe in and out alternately, showered with material goods. Often ends up as an infantilised spoiled waster, unable to deal with a world which expects more of them than breathing in and out.

Scapegoat - socialised from birth to be grateful for any crumbs that might fall their way from the Affection Table, and expected to constantly demonstrate gratitude for said crumbs. Made clear to them from an early age that material goods are not going to be just handed over to them by their parents, they'll have to work hard for them and actually buy everything they need/want for themselves. Often ends up as a very capable person able to handle pretty much anything life throws at them, but crippled by low self-esteem and people-pleasing tendencies.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. (Thank you, Philip Larkin.)

If you don't know any Golden Children / Scapegoats personally (and many of us do, once we sit down and think about it), there's plenty to be found here at Mumsnet, particularly on the Stately Homes threads.

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This... all of this.

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 22:00

Another thing which may help @50FreezeOut1 is to think very coldly and objectively about which of them you actually like and would choose to spend time with if not related.

It seems for example your dad is in the keeper pile. What about your mum. Are all the siblings objectively keepers or just some of them/their children only

Once you know who you value in their own right, you could then assess whether they would want to continue a relationship with you and reach out to them individually if so, and just let the others drop quietly.

Its honestly liberating when you can get to the place where it’s you choosing and defining the relationship rather than others.

FlawlessShiv · 20/07/2025 21:50

This is awful and I truly sympathise OP. It’s hurtful when you think you are close with family yet they go ahead to purposely exclude you from personal events and you don’t understand why. Let me tell you, it’s not you it’s them.
My DH was recently informed of the birth of his DB’s second child.
His parents and siblings knew of the pregnancy. The only one kept in the dark was DH.
My DH is the non confrontational type. He was very much in shock that his DB, whom he is closest to out of all his siblings and is in regular contact with, chose to not inform DH him and his wife were having a baby. My DH is feeling hurt and confused but does not want to ruffle feathers with his family by asking why he was kept in the dark.
I have let him know how I feel but ultimately taken a step back to allow him to process the hurt.
Some families are super weird or toxic. You should consider how you broach the conversation with your mother if you plan to do so because this has a potential to sever ties. Ultimately, it is a betrayal from people closest to you, so unexpectedly and that cuts deep.

Rhaidimiddim · 20/07/2025 21:50

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 19:48

Thank you to everyone who has shared their perspective. The questions asked are really helping me to see what it could be. I've taken a long time to reply because I wanted to read lots of people's views before responding. Sometimes on these threads everyone says the same thing on the first couple of pages then different perspectives come through later that can shed different light on the issue. Also I have been out for the day with the DC and didn't want to read the thread whilst with them because it would bring the reality of the situation back to me and make me not very good company.

Answering some questions:

No I don't have a drink problem. I drink the least but not in a judgemental of their drinking way.

We're all full siblings and our DPs are still together.

We live close enough to drive there and drive back in an evening. DH always offers to drive so I can drink with them.

I'm really accommodating with meeting when and where suits them. When the DC were little I gave parameters because of naps but otherwise would make it work.

There is a wealth gap with me the poorest. I chose a vocational career which I absolutely love. They chose corporate highly paid highly stressful roles (although are very senior now so less stress in a way). I'm not bothered that they earn more than me because I made the choice to be happy at work rather than earn a lot. I know you can have both but the corporate career I started in was relentless so over a decade ago I switched out into non corporate and have never regretted it.

Looking particularly at @WhereYouLeftIt explanation. I am the black sheep/scapegoat and have been since I was a child. But I worked really hard at not being controversial or hard work. Hence I now have lots of friends. I'm consciously that nice new version around them because I am acutely self aware.

I feel disappointed rather than angry about this. I'm upset because I don't know what I've done wrong because if I knew I definitely wouldn't have done it or if I knew I would apologise for it.

I'm not more successful in comparison to them. I'd go so far as to say my DM has been embarrassed about my comparative lack of boast-able success in the past. I'm doing what I love, find meaning in my work and can afford a 'normal' lifestyle. By that I mean a mortgaged house, long term doer-upper, bog standard car, 1 foreign holiday a year in a European destination - all different from my new Tesla owning, multiple foreign holiday going, mortgage free siblings. But I'm genuinely not envious because I don't want to do what they do for a living to earn the kind of money you need for those things.

I lived two hours away for a couple of years in my 20s but deliberately moved closer once my Sisters starting having kids so I could be nearby for every family event. In the 20+ years since I have never opted out of one for any reason other than simply not being available e.g. holidays, important prior engagements. I've always bent over backwards to accommodate them and DH fell into line with that when I met him. It was taken as read that's what I needed/wanted to do.

I decided to cancel my Monday with my DM. The weather isn't looking great so I've blamed it on that and suggested other dates later in the holidays to buy me time to decide what to do.

With regards 'there must be more to this. What are you hiding?' please do ask me any direct questions about what might have happened in the past or things I may or may not have done. If there was something obvious to me e.g. my political views then I would include it to help people help me make sense of it. But as I say, I am very aware that there are topics to avoid so I do.

I'm not vegan or over/underweight. I'm neither beautiful nor successful. I have 2 wonderful DC 1DS and 1DD. They are easy to get on with when they come to family events. They are interesting and interested (early teens). I knew DH was the one for me because he was the first of my boyfriends to really get on with my friends and family without any awkwardness. He's easy going and remembers things about people and asks them e.g. how their ski trip was.

I get on particularly well with my DM's Sis who I'm meeting with my DC over the holidays. She was there at the DM 'spontaneous' lunch when I was excluded and afterwards apologised on behalf of everyone who was there and didn't think to invite me. It wasn't necessarily her apology to make per se but I really appreciated that someone there saw it was wrong and apologised that it had happened. That validated my hurt that time.

My Bro missed a Christmas get together last Christmas because of a last minute holiday with his then partner. Sis50 was really annoyed with him not being there for an event she'd organised. But there he was at her 50th not me! (Who was there at Christmas).

This point by @Calliopespa is really helpful in helping me understand the situation more clearly.

I'm sorry but for some reason they don't like having you there - and the feeling is not limited to your Dsis. None of us can say if its justified or not from what we know, but the fact it isn't just your Dsis and the fact they don't enjoy you being at these functions is plain.

You are right. They don't want me there. Which helps make my decision not to be there in future. Knowing they feel this about me would mean I would no longer enjoy it. And knowing they would enjoy it more if I wasn't there makes things so clear. Thank you.

Youbsay you are the black sheep/ scapegoat.

That is all the answer you need - your role is to be picked on and upset by them. When you remonstrate, they bully you a bit more.

Your choice is to continue to play into the dynamic by acting like a good sister then being excluded; or to change the dynamic by pulling away from them and caring less - a lot less - about them. You can't change them, you can only change yourself.

And expect to receive a pittance in the Will.

(Ex scapegoat here.)

ThePoshUns · 20/07/2025 21:46

Agree. I’d pick up the phone and ask her straight why you weren’t invited. All
this creeping around the edges doesn’t help you.

SpryCat · 20/07/2025 21:45

It was your DM who started the competition when you were all children, who can please her the most. She is the Queen Bee, the one your siblings try to live up to her expectations, they wouldn’t exclude you unless she wanted it that way.
GC get rated same as their parents, so your DC will be classed as scapegoats too, the poor relations.
Maybe it was how your mum and her siblings were treated in childhood, by her own parents or she likes to cause division and have everyone fight over her.
You sound very happy with your career, your little family and lots of friends, whilst your siblings are all frantically running on a hamster wheel, all trying to be good enough, and competing to be loved.
I bet you are the only one, who is truly content with your life!
I wouldn’t bother saying anything, I would delete WhatsApp, don’t bother with cards or presents and start distancing yourself.

Laura95167 · 20/07/2025 21:43

Id just ask. Dsis directly in an attempt to get honesty or DM if I wanted to play it politically

But either way id say - how come i wasn't invited to the birthday meal?

I certainly wouldn't feel better isolating myself further and secretly huffing. Id absolutely need to know

Katrinawaves · 20/07/2025 21:43

Feelingleftoutagain · 20/07/2025 21:38

I feel for you, I've had years of this behaviour, only once have i been invited to a birthday meal (my mum's 79th) to find out it was so that I would pay towards the party they were hoping to have for her 80th, she died before this could happen! When they all had a party, at my mums years before she died I asked my mum why wasnt I invited, was told that no one in my family liked me and had said if I attended they wouldn't go, she said face facts you are not a nice person. I went home and cried buckets to my hubby who said this: you can't choose your family but, we have two beautiful boys who never had to face the nastiness that comes from that side of the family, they both worship you ( and they do) you have worked hard put yourself through Uni whilst working and raising children, you have a wonderful home, you don't act you are you and we are not having this happen to you again and we shut the door on them for 20 odd years until my mums 79th and I wish I'd not gone then as they made it very obvious I wasn't welcome, so I am saying this to you shut the door on them, life is too short for crap like that!

What a fabulous (and very wise) husband you have!

thelakeisle · 20/07/2025 21:42

I agree that you should just never make the tiniest effort to see or speak to them again. I would not be contacting any of them. If any of them attempt to apologise or explain that would be the time to respond to them, very carefully and consisely if you so choose.

What they have done is pretty disgusting tbh. Clearly, it is deliberate, and driven by at least one of them - but the others are disgusting too, there is no way I could do that to one of my family unless they had done something truly awful.

They are happy to make you feel like shit. and in fact want to torture you. I cannot imagine the level of distress and shock you must have felt, seeing them rub your face in your very deliberate exclusion. This is what being nice to people who are not nice to you leads to, time to just cut them off without a word.

And it's not passive aggressive or anything else to cut abusers out of your lif, it's just a good way to deal with such cruelty. Any question you ask will get you blame and recriminations anyway, so ask nothing.

They are expecting you to be upset, ask questions, but ultimately keep tolerating that, because that is what you have always done. But you are not their punching bag, so don't volunteer for that position anymore.

ResultsMayVary · 20/07/2025 21:41

Sometimes people experience other people's choices as a criticism of theirs. Perhaps they feel more self conscious when you are there purely because you've chosen a different path and hold different values. So it's not that they don't like you as such.

Do you feel you can just relax and be yourself with them or are you also censoring yourself or trying hard to please or fit in?

Rhaidimiddim · 20/07/2025 21:41

Horses7 · 20/07/2025 01:24

Agree with this - your sister has been pretty awful to you and the rest of your family have gone along with it - so no one has said anything like ‘‘where were you Saturday night’ or ‘we missed you’ ?
Think I’d give them all a wide berth for a bit, actually a long time.
Unforgivable really - I would be devastated tbh.

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I agree with this approach too.
You have a right to be hurt.
So what if the family gets blown up, now that you know that the alternative is that it stays not-blown-up-but-regularly-shitting-on-you?

TheTecknician · 20/07/2025 21:41

Perhaps this second incident of social exclusion is an example of serendipity. You may not have wanted this but you needed it to see the shower of shit your family really are - with some obvious exceptions. If there is any possible justification for their conduct then we aren't aware of it - and nor are you. Time to distance yourself from these people. Life is too short to be treading on eggshells around wankers.

Feelingleftoutagain · 20/07/2025 21:38

I feel for you, I've had years of this behaviour, only once have i been invited to a birthday meal (my mum's 79th) to find out it was so that I would pay towards the party they were hoping to have for her 80th, she died before this could happen! When they all had a party, at my mums years before she died I asked my mum why wasnt I invited, was told that no one in my family liked me and had said if I attended they wouldn't go, she said face facts you are not a nice person. I went home and cried buckets to my hubby who said this: you can't choose your family but, we have two beautiful boys who never had to face the nastiness that comes from that side of the family, they both worship you ( and they do) you have worked hard put yourself through Uni whilst working and raising children, you have a wonderful home, you don't act you are you and we are not having this happen to you again and we shut the door on them for 20 odd years until my mums 79th and I wish I'd not gone then as they made it very obvious I wasn't welcome, so I am saying this to you shut the door on them, life is too short for crap like that!

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 21:35

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/07/2025 21:28

No to this course of action, far to chummy when they have ostracised her.

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I'm afraid I agree.

I'd keep it short and simple: I'd just like to know why, especially as it happened at Mum's party too. I'm not going to push to come, I just want to know what the thinking is.

No need to apologise or express desire to be involved - or to break the connection such as it is. Just ask why.

Its a reasonable question - after all, we're all wondering - and we're not even op!