Not invited to DSis big birthday

I agree about maintaining a dignified silence. I have/?had a truly elder toxic sister, who was absolutely vile to me. She was jealous of my academic success and anything else that she thought that I was better at than she was. She married a man who tried to sexually abuse me and refused to believe that he had done so. I alerted her to what I thought was his inappropriate behaviour with their daughter. She ignored me. I haven't heard from her for thirty-five years and she is probably dead. Our mother tried to paper over the cracks, saying "Oh - she didn't really mean it . . ." She did.

The thing to remember about being the scapegoat is - you didn't do anything. Scapegoathood is not earned, it is assigned randomly by a narcissist. There is nothing about you - absolutely NOTHING - that makes you 'deserve' to be the family scapegoat. You might not believe this, but that's a lifetime of being trained as the family scapegoat talking, not reality.

Your family know it, even if you don't. Each and every one of your siblings will have an unacknowledged thought whispering to them - 'it could have been you, and if it weren't for her, it still could be'. They know without knowing that your narcissistic mother requires a scapegoat, and if you were to no longer fulfil that role, she WILL assign the role to one of them. So I would seriously think about stepping back from your family and setting that particular cat amongst the pigeons.

Worth bearing in mind also, is your father's role - the Enabler. He failed you. As a father he should have protected you, and he didn't. Whilst you sound to me to be able to forgive, I do hope you do not forget that betrayal.

They will close ranks, turn it back on OP and make her the bad guy and the troublemaker. It's pointless as they won't admit that they have deliberately excluded her and their annoyance at being called out for their behaviour will increase their animosity towards OP.

Dignified silence from OP will be much more effective. She will maintain relationships with the nice members of her extended family.

I disagree. You cannot diagnose from this. Op must talk to her siblings and detail how hurt she is, for her own sake.

There is one thing to remember about being the family scapegoat and just quietly walking away - they need you, that's why they try to hoover you back. Its really important you don't get suckered back in; remind yourself its not you they need, its a scapegoat. The drama they thrive on can't happen without one.

What a load of fuckers.

100% agree with you. This is what they want - they are not a rational family - they are an enmeshed system fuelled by negative energy targeted at you. Dont give them any pleasure and satisfaction of the reaction they crave - dont hand them the bullets to shoot you with. Grey rock, info diet, fade .... calm and collected. Be boring to them. Be indifferent and fill your emotional life up elsewhere with good friends. Dont let them rope you back in once they notice you slipping away - thats only a trap so they can get you back into punching distance so that they get to land their blows again in the ugly sport they all love.

OP, watch out for the attempts to draw you back in when they realize that you are not going to play their sad little games any more. Don't be fooled, things will not change with them

If she says she's hurt, they'll get off on that. They'll also give gaslightish excuses rather than real reasons.

At this stage I think you've nothing to lose in just out right asking Sis50 why you and your family weren't invited and be honest and say you were hurt by it. See what they say.

Do you mean you think it's a made up story? Report it if you think this.

They sound awful. Mute and archive the WhatsApp group. Let them get in touch through other meams if they want to, but if I were you I'd withdraw and try not to give them a second thought. They truly sound dreadful.

Absolutely no point in doing this in a narc type family as they will turn the whole thing back on her. Much better to concentrate on your own life and be happy with those that do love you. Fortunately, it sounds as if the OP has plenty of people who respect and admire her for who she is.

You sound lovely @50FreezeOut1. You have a lovely DH and DC and many friends. Please concentrate on yourself and your immediate family and friends who value you. It is a shame that your family do not but that is life and, sadly, not so unusual. Back away from them, don't be available, block notifications on the What'sApp group. I suggested this tactic earlier but now even more so because of what you said about your DC noticing.

Political leanings and salaries are a red herring. Siblings don't stop loving siblings unless they're enabled and encouraged to. Your father didn't put his foot down for you. Your hurt feelings are valid. Speak to all your family and make your hurt plain. It's up to them then. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I did just this - I confronted the behaviour over and over again politely and gently - a well considered and thoughtful question. Sounds reasonable enough? To most people it would have been fine.

Narcissistic families do not take kindly to having the torch of truth lighting up their very poor and often cruel behaviour - it makes them look bad. They will immediately double down, blame op, call her difficult and unkind and accuse her of hurting her sister: they will say op wasn’t invited because she is so ‘difficult’ and no one knows how to ‘manage her’ despite the opposite being true.

Op has been painted as the difficult awful one in the family, and nothing and no one is going to shift that narrative, despite the fact she is so lovely and caring.

They will gang up, cause drama, talk about her, create a real issue and this will blow up to be something even bigger than it is now, because she had the audacity to challenge them. They will blame her for sure.

So just calling them out is just stepping into their trap. They will gas light her, attack her character and blame her for wrecking the family and her sister’s 50th birthday. Trust me this is the worst thing she could do. It doesn’t pave the way for an honest and open discussion, it just causes more drama and hostility.

Leave the chat without a word, go low contact. Stop sharing information with them. Step away from all of them emotionally and physically. Protect yourself and your children from such toxicity. You don’t need to cut them off, but stop spending any time with them. They need to be at the bottom of your priority list.

They know exactly what they have done.

The only way you’re going to find out is to outright ask her!

Well unless all over social media one by one the family members begin posting the reasons why they didn’t want the OP there and others chime in in agreement

This isn’t just confront one or two people

this is a group of 10 adults who all seem perfectly happy to have keep this event from the OP and to have enjoyed said event without the OP’s presence.

It may end up being a catalogue of reasons from 10 people as to why the OP wasn’t invited
or
it may end up tumbleweed as no one really bothered to answer

either way…. I’d take the hint and simply withdraw with zero drama from the group

That may be, but there are often few opportunities to hold others accountable and this might be OP's chance to confront the shitty behaviour, say what she needs to say and move on.
I take your point, though.

This. Well expressed, @Katrinawaves !

It’s not odd if you have experience of narcissistic families. It’s all part of the control. Absolutely deliberate.

To normal people it’s unthinkable, of course it is, but for those of us with five plus decades of exactly this behaviour are not remotely surprised in the least. This is about power not love, and keeping everyone in their place.

I am sorry this has happened to you - I am one of five children and I have three sisters. I have one sister who always leaves me out - we’ve all come to the conclusion she is jealous of me. Not for the obvious things - I’m about 6/7 years older than her - but there are some emotional things I have she’s envious of. Your sister and sister siblings might have wealth - but you seem to be happy with a fulfilling career, loving partner and great kids. I’m guessing your sister is envious of you and doesn’t want to around for these reasons - and she seems to rule the roost so everyone else is spineless as they want to avoid her roth.