Not invited to DSis big birthday

They will love it, get off on it, gas-light her and derive pleasure from winding her up, seeing her squirm and somehow blaming her ....as well as generating the next installment of family gossip fodder for them all to feed off when she leaves the room - thats why they posted on SM.

If they were embarassed and didnt want her to find out they would not have posted on SM.

You're going out of your way to be nice to them and people like that will respect you less for being like that. They don't like you so why keep putting yourself through it? What does it achieve? You've probably already been cut out of your mum's will.

They've got their view of what you're like and nothing is going to change that. If you stop seeing them, one of them will probably become the scapegoat instead. I'd just leave them to it.

You might find that your DM is colouring people's view of you. I say that as someone from a narcissistic family. My DM isn't with us any longer and my family has imploded. I wasn't actually the scapegoat. From what I've seen, your DM cannot see you as a good person, because if she does, she has to accept that she has treated you badly. She's never going to do that so she will continue to poison everyone's minds. I saw how my mum controlled everyone's relationships by the way she spoke about each person and the little lies she told.

A really silly example was that because she didn't like dogs and I did, she would tell me that my DB didn't like dogs and he only got one because DSil wanted one. This was because my DM had to be right and she was always in competition with me. (Of course she would tell me almost every day that I always had to be right!) This meant that when my DB's dog died I wasn't as sympathetic as I should have been because I didn't realise how upset he was. It seems like a small thing but this type of thing poisons relationships within the family.

Anyway, sorry if I've waffled on. All narcissistic families are different. I wasn't the scapegoat because I was the little half sister and my mum was married to my dad. Our scapegoat was a narcissist herself...created or born that was I don't know.

Wouldn’t confronting them just end up being a bit of dinner time chat amongst the group of “drama llama OP causing a fuss as per usual” kind of thing?

If they don’t wish to invite you and actually collide to keep it quiet from you, they’re hardly likely to be remotely bothered by the op confronting them

Good advice and I've had a similar experience with family stuff @Focusispower

OP, you sound like you know exactly what you want out of life and let's face it, a lot less materialistic than they are. I felt for you when you said.
"my DM has been embarrassed about my comparative lack of boast-able success"
That sucks. It really does. And speaks volumes about what she values and also about her lack of judgement. I understand why you feel their behaviour is a big disappointment.

Its comforting that your DM's DSis recognised what was going on and didn't think much of their behaviour... it probably reassures you more than MN would that you weren't just imagining it ( although people do love to say, perhaps one has misinterpreted /over reacted.) Your DM's DSis saw it too.

I just don't know whether in your shoes I would go down the grey rock route with them but I also think that completely lets them off the hook. Excluding people is bullying... and queen bee ish. Why shouldn't they have to face that instead of being able to skull along sure of their perfection? If this incident is because they are critical of your behaviour in some way.. what about taking a closer look at their own behaviour. Whatever the reason for it, being involved with them is upsetting you and I'd put a lot of space between you.

But take a step back and recognise that despite not fitting into the ideal that your family seem to require, you have a lovely family unit of your own, you were wise enough to have a job you enjoy that allows you to enjoy your life, you value things that are more precious than wealth. And that you are already a much better parent to your children than your DM has been to you.

If they cannot see your worth. That is entirely their loss.
I hope you are able to work through this and have a lovely school holidays with your little family, who are after all a bigger priority than snobby siblings.

Then live your life!
so what if you end up offending ( or them pretending to be offended) .
You have absolutely nothing to lose.
Make your own life

Hangingonthere · Today 16:36

50FreezeOut1
I can't edit my post but I would include your father if you choose to contact the family. Sadly he is complicit if he chooses not to speak up on your behalf.

I am so sorry OP.
I am 50 in 2 weeks and know my work people won't get me a card and have no siblings.

You sound lovely.

I feel like a lot of recent posters have not read the full thread.

OP is dealing with a narcissistic mother (and sister by the sounds of it). Calling them out, asking why, etc, doesn't solve anything. It gives them supply and feeds them the drama they crave. It gives them the satisfaction of knowing they hurt OP.

I know it's hard for people from loving families to understand, but this is sadly a fairly common dynamic and OP has done nothing to deserve it. It's just bad luck.

Comment on the photos. Say something like glad you had a good birthday. Sorry we couldn't make it but you never invited us.

This sounds so hurtful but I feel there is more context to this!

so sorry this has happened.
I'd def call your DS and say the pics looked lovely and you were really sad that you weren't there.
I've been there and it's horrible.dont play into their hands so that they can ever say you were difficult or nasty. be lovely but make sure she knows.
oh and then get yourself some nice friends and let them get on with it....

I am sorry you are going through this op, but I learnt the painful and degrading way. I couldn’t imagine why they would hurt me like this, like you I am a loving, caring person and thought that I was either misunderstanding things or that they were accidentally doing these awful things. I tried over the years, it didn’t occur to me my own family could be so cruel so I tried:

Chatting it through calmly and telling them how hurt I was -
Crying and telling them how hurt I was
I tried preempting the pain of another rejection and fawning
Arguing and getting cross
Going low contact
Talking to extended family to see if they could help
Writing to them
Texting them to say how painful it was
Pleading with my parents to stop
Going on holiday to avoid the shame and embarrassment
No social media whatsoever to avoid the photos
Going nuclear and going mc for a while
Hosting said events so I could be there! (This only made it worse when I wasn’t invited to the next thing)

None of it made any difference!
Not a stroke of difference.

They weaponised, mocked, gossiped and used all of the above to build the idea that I was the problem. I was the issue. Look Soul is upsetting mother again. Soul is causing problems. Etc. It was soul destroying.

It is a well known cycle of abuse op. There is only one way out.

I shouldn’t have had to fight to be invited or to be loved in the first place. Each rejection is like a death by a thousand cuts. As you know. It is uniquely painful.

You can not and will never win unless you disengage, put down the rope and walk calmly away.

That is your best course of action.

Zero expectation of them. Zero interest in what they are doing. Zero interest in meeting up any longer. That is protective.

They will still blame you - they will say where has op gone. She doesn’t visit any more or call. Bad op for neglecting her family. You won’t fully escape the bad mouthing, as that’s all they can do. But you won’t have to listen to it any longer. You won’t be accepting any more invites from them, so it won’t matter any longer what they do. Unfollow and don’t look at SM.

Focus on your own life, and filling it with good people, interests and fun. They will fade into background noise eventually, and you will wonder why you put up with it for as long as you did.

You will never win them over, they are not interested in healthy, happy people like you, or loving relationships - it’s far more entertaining to see you suffer quite frankly.

Use your wonderful caring nature to find others out there like you. Don’t stay small for them. Don’t let them crush you, blame you, gas light and harm you or your children. You can make a stand. You can walk away. Give up on the dream of happy families and say I’m done. The only happy family around here is the one I have created myself 💐💐💐

50FreezeOut1
I would have been so hurt as well. You sound like a lovely well-balanced person with a strong moral compass and your family's combined behaviour is shoddy and divisive to put it mildly. In your shoes I would be inclined to write collectively to them all and let them know how hurt you are but not enter into any more dialogue. And then step back from them all, DM included.

That said, you must do what feels right and comfortable for you. Whatever you do, I wish you well, you deserve so much better.

As you are the youngest that means you will have a big birthday at some point. If I was you I wouldn't factor in your siblings and Mother into any plans as it would probably ruin your birthday. Just plan around your husband, children and true friends, that way you won't be disappointed. If your siblings say anything just reply sister's 50th.

I was firmly on team tell-them-all-to-feck-right-off, because that's what I'd do, but after reading your updates I agree that it wouldn't help at all.

It does seem like you're the scapegoat and anything negative you say will be spun to make you the problem.

It's great that your employer offers therapy. I'd be grabbing that with both hands.

As far as DM and siblings go, I'd be going very low contact. It sounds like your kids are now realising they are second best, too. Save them that pain, OP. They do not have to be around your family if it's not in their best interests.

You sound lovely, but honestly, in every awful tale we hear like this, the scapegoat is always the nice one!

Watch out though, because the enabler actually gets a kick out of their role as the 'nice, calm, tolerant' one but will always side with the narcissist. Don't raise expectations that he will be fully supportive.

Recognising the toxic dynamic of narcissistic abuse is not making a diagnosis, and refusing to play the role of scapegoat is an act of self defence. Being assertive in these situations is pointless. You can only be assertive when all parties are being assertive.

Also, if you haven't yet, do join the Stately Homes thread on here. Honestly, that saved my sanity a decade or so ago. I very timidly asked if things my dad had done and my mum had said to me were normal.

The flood of replies full of loving kindness and perception and support I got after posting overwhelmed me. It helped me see clearly. People were SO supportive and had such resourceful, practical advice, not just sympathy. I didn't spend long on there as I chose to act on the advice, step away from family and didn't want to keep digging into old wounds. But the advice i got radically changed my relationship with my parents. I came off antidepressants for the first time in my adult life and never went back on. My depression vanished almost overnight when I stopped trying to please my parents and hoping they'd treat me with love.

That would make them monstrous, in my opinion. If they can afford it, they can afford to chip in a few pounds each to sub OP so she can join them.

OP, it is tough to be ousted by family. But it can free you up and toughen you up. You don't have to pretend, accommodate them, please them etc any longer. Maybe chat with your aunt who clearly has some sympathy and insight - get a clearer picture from her, for your own peace of mind. But then stop trying. It is heartbreaking to keep wanting family to love you in a way they never will. It is hard but ultimately happier to recognise this and put your affection and energy elsewhere.

Perhaps they feel guilty when you are around, as if you judge them for their material greed by having chosen a more vocational path. You wouldn't have to behave holier than thou for them to feel this. Just the act of taking a different path could make them feel their values are being exposed.

Because she initially did the excluding of the OP from her own big birthday celebration, as the OP said in one of her earlier posts:

But for my DM's big birthday 3 years ago I was excluded from her actual birthday lunch. She did have a party organised for the next day and I was invited to and did go to that. But at that party my siblings were talking about the lunch they'd had for her actual birthday. I was flabbergasted because I'd suggested me leaving early from work and us all going out for lunch.

Me too. Course the mum is involved. Why did she not say where is op? Stand up for you?

Yes you've been chosen as the narc scapegoat.

Keep away. You're better than them.

I could be writing this. Always the black sheep, never good enough despite being the achiever (DB not academic and in a low level job - written to show you once you’re the black sheep, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing, it will be wrong!).

I do live a long way from them, I used to visit but they made us so unwelcome and I don’t hear from DB one month to the next. DM used to send me links on ‘stop the boats’ and similar racist drivel via Facebook. I’m even more excluded now I don’t join in the race hatred openly.

Forget them, OP, they’re twats. It will never change. Like you, our kids are very low on the list which is sad, but just focus on your own lovely family

Might they be fed up that you are more personable than them and would take some of the attention from them?