Page 22 | Not invited to DSis big birthday

Freudianflip · 20/07/2025 02:19

That's very hurtful. What did you do? X

Anonimummy · 20/07/2025 02:14

I’m sorry OP. They are deliberately excluding you as evident from your DM’s lunch that you’ve updated on. Not even given a thank you for your sister’s birthday gift as well and your other siblings didn’t mention the birthday get together despite contributing to the present. No way that was a mistake.

Who do you think is driving this in your family?

They obviously wanted you to find out, and be upset, otherwise why post the pics on a platform they knew you would see them on?

I’d be inclined to post a message on the group WhatsApp along the lines of

‘Well, well, well, another family event
I’ve been excluded from. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you all that would make you behave like this, you knew it would hurt me and obviously wanted it to which is why you’ve tried to rub my nose in it with the pictures, this is not how a decent family behaves so from now I’ll let you carry on without me and remove myself from this group and this family. Monday’s cancelled btw Mum and I hope Sis50’s present is a constant reminder of what a nasty bitch she was to her sister. Fuck you Freeze xx

I would t give a shit about being blamed for ‘destroying the family’. They don’t sound much of one and I’d have to get what I wanted to say out no matter the consequences.

Sugargliderwombat · 20/07/2025 02:14

They're really awful. Honestly I'd step back for a bit and try to really reflect on the family dynamics before deciding what to do. I wouldn't message, I'd mute the chat and cancel any future plans as they come up.

Francestein · 20/07/2025 02:07

Sorry - just saw that you sent a present. Honestly, call and ask for it back. I am horrified. They're arseholes.

BruFord · 20/07/2025 02:03

I’d phone your sister and ask her straight out why she didn’t invite you to the celebration. I wouldn’t text, she’ll ignore it.

If your siblings have excluded you before, you don’t have anything to lose by confronting her. I think you need to get this out into the open and find out why they’re excluding you. The answer may not be nice, but it’s better to know than carry on like this. You don’t need to go nuclear, just say that you genuinely want to know what’s going.

Chickensky · 20/07/2025 01:52

"I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me"

You have choices on how to respond. . Ultimately you are seeking acceptance from people (and I know they are family) who may not give it to you. You can take control by not seeking it from them.

Given the "form" here from your family you have a couple of options.

Ask Sis/DM why you were not invited cue a range of responses such as "too far away/didn't think you wanted to/ so and so was supposed to ask you/ childcare/ work etc etc bullshit. But be prepared for the bullshit. Don't be the one to rise.

Want to remain in contact with them for the wider family visits, you "smile and wave". "Sorry what photos of your birthday I didn't seem them? Oh I bet that was lovely" Grey rock is your friend here.

Go nuclear and ask why you weren't invited post the photos etc. on the family chat. That probably isn't going to help your cause.

Maybe re prioritise other things on your life and have and just have dealings with them on your own terms.

I know you are very hurt and I understand that, but think through any response for what YOU want and sometimes it doesn't need one. And if you give no response then noone can blame you for anything right?

Namechangerage · 20/07/2025 01:50

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 01:20

Really appreciate all the posts and perspectives. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but everyone's input, even if completely different, helps me understand how I feel about each suggestion. A few points of clarity:

They live within 10-30 minutes of each other. I live 60 minutes away.
It wasn't mentioned in the family WhatsApp group so everyone must have been invited individually or in another group I'm not aware of.
I got the present delivered to my BIL so she would have it on the morning of her birthday. So she's had it already. No message of thanks received for it yet.
My other Sis and B were in the present group and contributed so knew about it but still didn't think to mention the party.
We see each other about 6 times a year usually. I thought we'd next see each other for her birthday but as it was the first evening of the summer holidays and I know she likes to travel I wondered if she'd gone to Vegas or somewhere memorable for it instead of a get together. It was another family member's birthday in May so it's a normal thing in our family to get together for meals for birthdays.

I didn't want to mention it in my original post so I could get clear perspectives on this incident as a stand alone event. But for my DM's big birthday 3 years ago I was excluded from her actual birthday lunch. She did have a party organised for the next day and I was invited to and did go to that. But at that party my siblings were talking about the lunch they'd had for her actual birthday. I was flabbergasted because I'd suggested me leaving early from work and us all going out for lunch. They live closer so could even have done it on their lunch break but I needed more planning. They literally ignored that message and the next message on the group was a few days later, something banal about a TV programme or something. So I'd tried to organise lunch and was met with silence. Then apparently on the day they all spontaneously decided to take her out and no-one invited me. My DM even specifically messaged my other Sis to invite her when Bro and Sis50 had messaged her about lunch. Wouldn't want Sis to be left out but nevermind Freeze! Apparently that's because I live 'too far away' (60 mins - 50 without traffic) but I have an early finish one day a week and could easily have swapped even on the day. My work is very flexible.

So yes. There is form there but I was very hurt when it happened 3 years ago. I ended up crying in the toilets (trying not to ruin DM's party) but then next day I did ask all of them why I wasn't invited and the excuses were as above. And pretty poor.

I did ask last time and the excuses were unconvincing. I want to be direct and ask Sis50 but that might be the trip switch that blows up the whole extended family unit forever and guess who'd get blamed for that?

I am a very normal, friendly helpful person. Help out on the PTA etc. Make new friends easily as I'm sociable in an appropriate way (not a babbler etc). Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem. We do have different political opinions (me Lab them Tory) but I am very socially aware and don't ever bring politics up with anyone unless they do.

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

Ahh in that case. Don’t give them the satisfaction.

Cancel your plans with your mum due to “feeling ill”. Mute the WA group and pay them no mind. They don’t pay you anything! Honestly just don’t worry about them.

Just withdraw totally. If anyone asks you about it - just say “oh I just live too far away, it’s hard to stay in touch”

Ihopeithinkiknow · 20/07/2025 01:44

I’m one of 8 children and we are scattered all over the country but we all get invited to everything and if we can all make it then we all turn up, no hard feelings if any of us can’t for whatever reason but I can’t imagine any of my brothers or sisters (or me) not mentioning it to each other or checking who is going if a table needs to be booked or whatever.

This feels deliberate and sneaky and I’m sorry OP but it seems like your siblings are nasty cunts

ResultsMayVary · 20/07/2025 01:33

I can understand you bring deeply hurt because along with the other event it does sound a deliberate choice to leave you out.

Not receiving any thanks for the gift does also seem off.

With them living a bit closer does it mean they see each other more frequently and are generally closer?

Pinkyhere · 20/07/2025 01:31

Absolutely horrible of your family. Esp since there's form.
I wouldn't confront them, you will be blamed and you are unlikely to get honest answer. I also def wouldn't contribute in anyway to future gifts.
I would be devastated.
Don't contact any of them. Be aloof and detached when they contact you. I hope you have other people in your life to support you through this.

Horses7 · 20/07/2025 01:24

gamerchick · 19/07/2025 22:46

It's on all of them tbh. Your mother included.

I would be cancelling seeing her Monday and telling her that you'll be processing being excluded by all of them for a bit.

Agree with this - your sister has been pretty awful to you and the rest of your family have gone along with it - so no one has said anything like ‘‘where were you Saturday night’ or ‘we missed you’ ?
Think I’d give them all a wide berth for a bit, actually a long time.
Unforgivable really - I would be devastated tbh.

Original poster

50FreezeOut1 · 20/07/2025 01:20

Really appreciate all the posts and perspectives. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do but everyone's input, even if completely different, helps me understand how I feel about each suggestion. A few points of clarity:

They live within 10-30 minutes of each other. I live 60 minutes away.
It wasn't mentioned in the family WhatsApp group so everyone must have been invited individually or in another group I'm not aware of.
I got the present delivered to my BIL so she would have it on the morning of her birthday. So she's had it already. No message of thanks received for it yet.
My other Sis and B were in the present group and contributed so knew about it but still didn't think to mention the party.
We see each other about 6 times a year usually. I thought we'd next see each other for her birthday but as it was the first evening of the summer holidays and I know she likes to travel I wondered if she'd gone to Vegas or somewhere memorable for it instead of a get together. It was another family member's birthday in May so it's a normal thing in our family to get together for meals for birthdays.

I didn't want to mention it in my original post so I could get clear perspectives on this incident as a stand alone event. But for my DM's big birthday 3 years ago I was excluded from her actual birthday lunch. She did have a party organised for the next day and I was invited to and did go to that. But at that party my siblings were talking about the lunch they'd had for her actual birthday. I was flabbergasted because I'd suggested me leaving early from work and us all going out for lunch. They live closer so could even have done it on their lunch break but I needed more planning. They literally ignored that message and the next message on the group was a few days later, something banal about a TV programme or something. So I'd tried to organise lunch and was met with silence. Then apparently on the day they all spontaneously decided to take her out and no-one invited me. My DM even specifically messaged my other Sis to invite her when Bro and Sis50 had messaged her about lunch. Wouldn't want Sis to be left out but nevermind Freeze! Apparently that's because I live 'too far away' (60 mins - 50 without traffic) but I have an early finish one day a week and could easily have swapped even on the day. My work is very flexible.

So yes. There is form there but I was very hurt when it happened 3 years ago. I ended up crying in the toilets (trying not to ruin DM's party) but then next day I did ask all of them why I wasn't invited and the excuses were as above. And pretty poor.

I did ask last time and the excuses were unconvincing. I want to be direct and ask Sis50 but that might be the trip switch that blows up the whole extended family unit forever and guess who'd get blamed for that?

I am a very normal, friendly helpful person. Help out on the PTA etc. Make new friends easily as I'm sociable in an appropriate way (not a babbler etc). Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem. We do have different political opinions (me Lab them Tory) but I am very socially aware and don't ever bring politics up with anyone unless they do.

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

OP posts:

FloofyBird · 20/07/2025 00:58

Definitely ask your sister. I'd hang fire on assumptions about anyone else. If I were going to a family thing it wouldn't occur to me ask if a sibling/child had been invited as I'd just assume they have been. They might not have found out until they turned up and you don't know what your sister told them.

Namechangerage · 20/07/2025 00:55

I’d go the route of “Hi, I see you had a good birthday meal DSis. Why wasn’t I invited?’

Do it, it’ll feel good to get it off your chest.

Then after they reply some bullshit reason (unless there is some drip feed we’re not aware of), I’d just leave the WhatsApp group and get some space from them all.

steff13 · 20/07/2025 00:50

ThePoshUns · 19/07/2025 23:59

Just ask on the family WhatsApp why you weren’t invited?
‘hi I saw you all went out for sister name birthday, I’m just wondering why I wasn’t invited?’

Edited

This is what I would do. There's nothing to lose by being direct.

saraclara · 20/07/2025 00:49

If it was me I’d be like “Huh? How did I miss that this was happening?!” and see what she says..

That. Or a simple "I saw your birthday meal picture on Facebook. Is there a reason that I wasn't invited?"

Be straightforward and undramatic. All these posts about cutting them off without any communication are OTT when you don't know what happened. There's an outside chance that it was an error of communication, and you don't cut your entire family off while that's still a possibility. Likewise bowling in with all sorts of assumptions when you contact them is unwise. Keep it to one simple question.

Thulpelly · 20/07/2025 00:45

Ask your sister.
Why involve your mum?

sprigatito · 20/07/2025 00:40

EggnogNoggin · 19/07/2025 23:20

Unless there is a huge back storywhere you've been a total cow to her, she's a real fucking bitch and has done this to hurt you and get a reaction.

Make no mistake, she has done it this way to make you feel like you can't trust anyone because they all kept it quiet.

And because they colluded, when you say anything, they will make excuses about it.

So get back at her by pretending it doesn't bother you. Act like you haven't seen the Facebook pics and if and when she pokes, be casual "oh yes, it looked like a great time!" Do not rise to it.

She's in some way jealous and doing this to take you down. Don't give her that gift. It will make her more insecure and I'd enjoy that because fuck her.

Don't retaliate. Just don't proactively organise things like birthday gifts.

The only way to get under her skin is to say nothing, because she has one million percent done this to spite you. I'd go as far as to suggest that she only had the big do so that she could leave you out.

Nasty bitch. If getting back at her meant sitting on my wound, I sire as hell would.

But now you know she doesn't like you and I'd go as far as to say she actively dislikes you, so do what you need to. Disinherit her if she has any claim, make sure she isn't identified as a potential legal guardian for your kids if the worst happened. Find new friends and don't let her into your circle. And above all, keep a smile on your face while you prune her out of your life, just so far that she still has to see you living well and being bitter about it.

Edited

Fuck me, I hope I never get on the wrong side of you! 🤣 you are magnificent!

OP this is so, so shitty of them all, I’m not sure I could get past it. Put yourself and your feelings first. How do you want to respond?

WilfredsPies · 20/07/2025 00:36

Annascaul · 19/07/2025 23:12

Unless op's Mum was given the guest list to approve in advance, it's nothing to do with her. She could well have said something to op's sister at the event.

Unless it was ‘What do you mean, you didn’t invite your sister?! That’s terrible, I’m not going along with this sort of bullying. I want no part of it, I’m going home and I’m very disappointed in you’ it’s as much to do with her as it is the other siblings.

They’ve colluded with the birthday sister to make sure nobody mentioned it to the OP. These things aren’t arranged off the cuff. Nobody plans a birthday meal for all their family and all their friends, where a reservation is needed, with a couple of hours notice. This was planned. They’ve all lied to her by omission.

Britneyfan · 20/07/2025 00:33

On the face of it this sounds so odd. I’d say maybe everyone thought someone else had invited you, except in that case they’d have been phoning you at the event to ask if you’re not coming etc. So it definitely sounds like a very pointed and deliberate exclusion. Like others I agree the mum and everyone else has colluded but ultimately it’s the sister’s birthday so I would take it up with her. Just phone or even better pop round and ask WTF is going on?!

girljulian · 20/07/2025 00:32

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/07/2025 00:26

Was it ever mentioned @girljulian? My brother groomed his gf into hating me and my mother for no reason so when she organised a surprise birthday party we weren't invited. It was beyond humiliating. Relationship now is beyond repair for many other reasons but this sticks in my mind.

Show quote history

No, never. But my dad now has a terminal illness so it's not really helpful to your situation -- we basically all had to forgive everything and deal with that.

Searchingforananswer2023 · 20/07/2025 00:26

girljulian · 20/07/2025 00:22

Oh, I seethed and didn't say anything, and then some other family things happened which pushed it out of my mind, but I'm not sure that was the best thing!

Show quote history

Was it ever mentioned @girljulian? My brother groomed his gf into hating me and my mother for no reason so when she organised a surprise birthday party we weren't invited. It was beyond humiliating. Relationship now is beyond repair for many other reasons but this sticks in my mind.

Lavender14 · 20/07/2025 00:26

Ah op no wonder you're hurt.

I'm wondering if someone has declined on your behalf without asking you - do you have issues with childcare/live far away/ health? I'm a single parent and my family at times will assume I can't attend things because if they're all going to something they know I'll have no babysitter. It's crap sometimes but it's also just the way things are for now and it's my choice not to use a stranger. Do you live further away than the others? Do you have form for declining social events?

Is it possible it was a surprise party and you were a genuine oversight? Is there any of the guests you don't get on with or who don't get on with you? Have you/ your sis had any big life changes recently that could create a conflict eg a pregnancy and a previous loss?

I personally would meet your mum and I would ask, I'd say you saw the pics and you were surprised noone had mentioned it was happening and I'd ask about how it came about. I'd want a full picture before reacting, also to make sure I'm reacting to the right person.

Depending on what she says I'd ring your dsis and I'd ask if you've offended them in any way. Sometimes miscommunications happen but equally it would need to be pretty big to be excluded from a family event in that way so it seems unlikely. If there's no clear response or you feel like they're giving you platitudes rather than being honest then I would step back and focus your energies elsewhere.

MooFroo · 20/07/2025 00:26

sorry to where @50FreezeOut1 - you need to face it and ask why you were not invited!
post the photos you see in the family group and ask why you aren’t there- simple.

You deserve to know so no point ignoring it or pretending you’ve not seen it as your behaviour will change around your family - talk to them to see what happened and then you known what you’re dealing with xx

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 00:25

WilfredsPies · 20/07/2025 00:20

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

I'm seeing my DM on Monday to spend the first day of the school holidays together. Do I say something? Personally, I’d cancel (‘Sorry for the short notice mum, something has come up so need to cancel. Talk to you soon’) and withdraw from the lot of them. If you had several adult children and one was excluded from a family meal where everyone else was invited, would you still go and have a lovely time? Or would you tell the lot of them that you loved them all but you felt too uncomfortable excluding one member of the family and didn’t want to be a part of it?

What do I say to my siblings in our WhatsApp group? Anything? Nothing? Again, I wouldn’t say a word to any of them. They’d get nothing further from me beyond icy cold politeness at most. I’d leave the group. Same as with your mum; it was your sister’s responsibility to speak to you, but every single one of them could have said to her ‘what are you doing? Why are you excluding her? I want no part of this’ and not one of them did.

But if you decide you do want to be open about it, I’d message everyone on WhatsApp and just say ‘I’ve just seen the photos of sister’s birthday meal and it’s quite clear that every single one of you were there. Would anyone like to explain to me who I’ve upset so much that I’ve been completely excluded from what is clearly a big family event? You’ve really hurt me. I would never go along with treating any of you like this and I’m so disappointed in you that you think it’s acceptable to treat me like this.’

Are you in a lower income bracket than them? Or do any of your DC have any difficulties in socialising? I suspect that you’ll get some half hearted excuses along these lines. They thought you wouldn’t be able to afford it after buying the present, or they thought your DC would struggle. And if this is what they come back with, then you have some thinking to do about whether you accept that and forgive them, or you tell them how hurt or disappointed you are, or you tell them it’s a pathetic excuse and you’re going to mute the family chat for a bit, while you have a break from them, or you tell them to go fuck themselves, or you just don’t answer at all and you let them stew on what they’ve done.

I’d send this message. It says how you feel very clearly and politely.
i’m not sure I’d see my mum, I might cancel. I’d definitely message to say about Monday I’m not sure we can meet Monday, I’m not sure I can handle seeing anyone who colludes in totally and hurtfully excluding me, especially my own mum.
Have you given her the present? When are you 50?