Not invited to DSis big birthday

Have I missed the bit where mum colluded, was ‘sworn to secrecy’ etc? Maybe mum arrived at the meal and wondered where OP was?? ‘Isn’t X coming’ eg.

Shocked face emoji on the photos.

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

It won't be you destroying the family unit. They have already broken it and if they react aggressively to you reasonably asking why you had been excluded from this party, that will be them destroying it completely.

I think you should ask your sister why you were not invited. If you don't this will eat away at you. You don't have much to lose other than being second class within your own family and your peace of mind to gain. Remain calm and persistent if she fobs you off with feeble excuses. You've done the 60 minute journey on other occasions, why would this one be different?

Only you know whether your mother has fully gone along with this or has been unwilling to rock the boat with your siblings, worried about being excluded herself. If it is the latter, I wouldn't involve her. If you think she willingly kept you in the dark about the party, perhaps call your sister when your mother visits you, put the phone on speaker and have a joint conversation with them both.

I’d reflect what sort of relationship(s) you want from (each of?) your siblings and your parents, what is feasible, and what effort you / they will put in.

siblings evidently marginalize you from the pack which is very hurtful but they must know this and simply do not care. That must be very hurtful and I would personally not wish to continue to push for something I’m unlikely to be given or which likely won’t be rewarding if I have it, but you of course might feel differently.

The consideration that you are 50 vs 10 mins away is not a legit excuse and they can’t assume you won’t attend and so not invite you…. As a result, I wondered if there are other differences eg who has kids? Is there a wealth gap? Are siblings taking on caring responsibility for your parents (you’re not aware of) so there’s resentment that you get the good times? Is there a large age gap (eg you were always the baby/golden child/ rebel who got away with murder, etc?)

Why? We only have the OP’s version of events here, and while these may be accurate, it’s also entirely possible that there is a legitimate reason from their side why they don’t invite her to family events.

I have a family member who always causes some kind of scene at any kind of event and ends up ruining the whole evening. She’s ok in small doses, so we obviously haven’t excluded her entirely, but we see her on our terms, I.e. we visit her so we can leave when she gets too much. And either she doesn’t get invited to family events, although we’re not the type to post all over social media and we don’t have a WhatsApp group, or in some cases we don’t have an event at all.

The posting of pictures is deliberately exclusionary, but tbh usually there is more to this.

Arseholes and not worth your time.
No reason here is acceptable. Eg we find you rather dull and boring/We have nothing in common/You drink too much.
Tough shit they are family! If they cared they would speak to you about it and still have you there. That’s what families do! If it was something bad (it really doesn’t sound like it is) then surely they would say you did x,y or z and give you a chance to redeem yourself.
I hope you have other people to support you through this, how gutting for you.

Keep your head held high and no matter what don’t go to see your mum on Monday she doesn’t deserve it.

I wouldn’t bother to say anything. Excluding you was bad enough; posting photos where you’d see them is deliberately being as hurtful as possible. I’d be very low contact with them in future and wouldn’t be doing any of them any favours.

This. Post this and then remove yourself immediately from the WhatsApp group so you don't need to listen to their shit excuses.

I’d say something along the lines of;

I saw the happy families performance photos from the dsis birthday dinner. It was pretty spiteful to leave me out again with no explanation.

I’ll be stepping back from you all as I choose to spend my time and energy with those who respect and care about me. Please note I won’t be organising or contributing to any further family gifts either.

Very hurtful, very unkind.

I would say something to each of them and then be very LC.

Being excluded is beyond hurtful. I don’t think the people who do it can quite comprehend the visceral pain involved. My sister’s partner hates me so I’m excluded from everything and my family just say he controls the guest list and I’m not welcome. I wouldn’t see your mum this week either as she’s complicit in your exclusion. I would also leave the WhatsApp group. I’m so sorry this has happened to you (again!)

If they posted pictures on Facebook then I'd have been tempted to comment "I'm still waiting for my invitation to the "family" lunch'.

OP I can absolutely empathise with this. My DSis turned 40, her husband organised a meal out for the extended family and myself and DH didn’t even get an invite. I know exactly why (long story, won’t bore with details).

Apparently on the day my DDad asked what we were up to that meant we couldn’t be there and was given some excuse about “oh I didn’t think they’d be able to come cos of the dogs” 😂

Its shit when family act like this. I wouldn’t drag your mum into it though, just message sis to ask and pull back on contact to give yourself time to process xx

I think that poster was just trying to come up with reasons potentially why they would exclude the OP from family events. Like maybe she drinks too much or doesn't act right in public.

It sounds like even if you raise it with your sister you won’t really get a reason why you were left out.

Do they make effort to celebrate your birthday?

I think I’d start putting the same effort into your relationship with them as they do with you.

@50FreezeOut1 personally, I would go with cancelling any further meetings you have with them, muting the whatsapp group and getting on with your life. I may be cold hearted but I'd never give them another thought as it's clear they didn't give you any thought. I'd probably exit the whatsapp group to be honest, but maybe leave it a few months.

In the event that any of them ever ask, my response would be something like "I can take a hint. It's clear from your actions what your intentions were, so I'm honouring them. Cheerio".

Possibly the wrong thread?

I'd get onto the WhatsApp group and ask why you were excluded. If you get a satisfactory answer, fine. If not, tell them so and take a break from them for a while or forever.

It's a very hurtful situation, especially when your parents are involved.

I wonder do you drink too much or do you have form for having fights with someone? Otherwise if not, then really they’re horrible

I'm so sorry OP, that was shit of them. I think if it was me, I'd meet with my mother as planned. I wouldn't let on I knew anything about it at all.

I'd start by asking how's things, any news? Presumably her reply would be "no, no news". So I'd ask how her weekend went, did she go anywhere nice? "No, didn't go anywhere". At this stage I'd fully expect her to be squirming in her seat. Then I'd ask her if DS got the gift you contributed to, as she hadn't acknowledged your contribution. (Any normal person would realise at this point that you know all about the meal out).

Then I'd say that we really must get together for DS's birthday meal, when does she think will suit, can she suggest any particular restaurant. Basically, I'd enjoy making her squirm.

As others have said, grey rock. If your DM does cave and tell you about their outing, ask why you've been left out yet again.

After that I'd part with my dignity intact (I'd hope!) and just get on with my life and leave them to it.

I do appreciate though that you may not wish to cut off all your family. In which case just continue to grey rock, be only mildly interested in them, meet up only when it suits you and certainly don't bother making any effort for any of them.

Tbh, they sound toxic. But I wish you all the best whatever way you approach it 🌺

DO NOT SEE YOUR WITCH OF A MOTHER MONDAY!! if 60 mins is too far to be invited for a meal then whoops too far to see her. I hope you know you’re officially off the hook for looking after when she’s old and needy, but I expect magically 60mins won’t seem so far to your nasty siblings.

They’ve done it twice now. They don’t care if they hurt your feelings. My stomach actually dropped reading this and I cannot imagine how you felt, but I have seen this one time with a family before when the much more successful sibling moved away and earned more money. It was jealousy and having a narcissistic mother who almost punished them for not staying in her tiny little local web. So the rest of the family with the nasty bitch mother at the core then normalized excluding the sibling. To be clear your mother is a huge bitch for not shutting this down.

Im not sure if you have children OP but would you allow this to happen to one of them? Because most of us Mothers would NEVER. I would never condone a secret family chat or not including one of my children.

So to be clear, all of them are TWATS.

And so I wouldn’t say anything at all. I expect they either don’t care or won’t see your side anyway. I really recommend the book ‘let them.’ They want to exclude you? Let them. What you can now control is the effort and boundaries you adjust moving forwards. I live abroad and so it’s just my husband and kids and I and I promise you my kids don’t even really notice. Fill your time with your partner, children, friends, things that bring you joy and make you happy!! I’d be cordial but not making anymore plans for a while with your family and I’d be doing the gray rock method also. And NO MONEY for anything on them! Basically close the door for a little bit and give yourself some time to heal. I highly recommend therapy because this isn’t ok and therapy will really help you see it’s a then issue. I expect your mother is a narcissist and you are likely the scapegoat child.

It may not be but I have done something similar in the past and didnt notice until it was pointed out to me so paying it forward just in case.

I don't think that is her real family name.

@50FreezeOut1 You appear to have used your family name in your most recent post, you may wish to report it to MN to ask to have it edited if you have missed the time to do it yourself