Not invited to DSis big birthday

Family can be traitors, and it only takes 1 and a conspiritor to set the ball rolling.

My sil was a bitch, she was an only child who wanted everything her way, and threw spanners in everyone's works on a regular basis. She was 40 odd yrs old, lost both parents and fake doted on my mother, which fed my mothers narcissistic profile to the hilt (I was blind to that for years, so spent YEARS trying to make things right)

We generally had bonfire parties, me then you... id done 3 years on the trott so I refused to do the next. Sil wasnt happy, she thought she had forced that pony, and I wasnt willing to change my mind, so no bonfire that yr.

Dad heard her moaning to mum and he (always the placator) invited us all to his bonfire party... which wouldnt please mum as she had to cook, rather than playing queen bee.
On the eve of the party I arrived with hubby and 3 kids, I parked the car and sil drove up, she was out of her car before I even got the keys out of the ignition, she Opened my car door and scathingly complained "you said you didn't want a bonfire party, why are you here"
-AT MY PARENTS HOME!
WHEN INVITED!-
I told her, I didnt want to DO ANOTHER bonfire. Dad invited us, and we are here.

I walked into the house, said hi to mum. Went to see dad who was finishing off prepping the pyre, and for the duration of the party I didnt speak or give eye contact to sil once. I told my bro that shes a bitch. He knew that. They were divorced 2 years later, my attitude towards her never faltered after that night, she didnt exist.

What was incredible to me was my mothers attitude re the situation
I went to see her the next day, as I hadn't caused a scene, and for all intents and purposes everything was fine. Mum was so into herself she never saw any silence between sil and I.
When I told her what transpired at the car, she said .... and it knocked the breath out of me, even now years later!

"It was your father's fault.... he shouldn't have invited you"!

Totally blind side, id done parties for YEARS, and everyone came. Mum. Played queen bee, even spoilt a few by her attitude, but she was always invited back.

That comment finished me. I did have get togethers, but pared down, and who I wanted.

Ps, I have similar dynamic in my family. It was actually my mother behind it - she used to pitch my siblings against each other - divide and conquer. I was the black sheep so was the one left out - I was gaslit and told it was in my head and just jealousy,

Only as adults did me and my siblings see it for what it is. Me and my sister now are developing a good relationship and my mother hates it.

The mother is as bad.

I think I’d send a message saying that it looks like SIL had a lovely family celebration and ask why you have been excluded again after the same thing happened for your mothers celebrations and the hurt and bewilderment caused then. I’d simply ask why the whole of them hid it from you? especially when it was you that organised the gift? I’d also say something like, as I’ve said distance isn’t an issue, what is the real reason behind this behaviour now? I’d simply ask for honesty.

I’d try and stay calm and factual - let them tie themselves up in knots. If they do reply I’d keep it to statements like ‘none of this makes sense’ ‘this doesn’t explain it’

I wouldn’t be seeing your mother on Monday either.

I feel for you op. I know exactly how hurtful this is, because the same happened to me, years ago. Except it wasn’t a meal, it was a big family party, with literally everyone there, but me. I too discovered it the next day when a relative posted pictures on social media. I was so upset! There had been no falling out, no issues, nothing I could think of.
When questioned the family members involved claimed they “thought I was busy”l I wasn’t and I’d spoken to them multiple times in the preceding week - none had mentioned it.
I actually think it was a combination of a vile sm who had hated me since I was little, a spineless df, and a sibling who’d always felt some kind of strange rivalry with me, compounded by the fact that I was objectively far more successful than them. I wasn’t a dick about it though and I’ve always been generous, helping family out financially, paying for trips, weddings and holidays etc.
I am now NC with all of them and it’s their loss. I continue to do well and I continue to share with my family and friends, but those who treated me so badly don’t deserve my headspace, my time or my money.
Your family have form for this op, so I’d suggest considering what benefits you are getting from your relationship with them. Like you, my first thought was to blame myself but actually, I think jealousy is a far more prevalent and far reaching emotion than many are willing to admit.

OP, just ask them directly. If it 'all blows up' because you asked a simple question directly then the relationships were fragile in the first place, even if it didn't look like it from the outside.

If they live closer to each other, they might meet up a lot without you which is normal, but the birthday is a big deal and you should have been invited.

Say to your sister when you see her ' I saw the birthday meal pictures, you know I would have loved to come and be there with you, right? I'm a little surprised no one invited me'. See what she says.

I agree with @Teaacup

The mother is part of the problem. Not one person in that family stuck up for the OP. She has plans with her mother for the first day of holidays. I think she should just travel away for a break and not tell her family where she is going and not give her mother any notice. Let her know what It’s like to be completely ignored. It’s disgusting behaviour from all of them.

She’s as bad as the siblings for leaving OP out on more than one occasion. My mum wouldn’t stand for this because she cares about me.

Same. But I would just ghost everyone. Completely. Christmas is coming up in less than 6 months and I would assume I wouldn’t be invited to that either.

This is exactly what I’m like.

I cut people off if they exclude me.

I would totally call this out. Probably via the family what’s app group you mention. And it’s not the first time from the sound of it? Fuck that! I’d be asking for an explanation - you deserve one - then going LC to NC with the lot of them. I’m sorry op, it must be so hurtful.

I have adult DCs and if I turned up for a family celebration and one was missing my first question would be to ask where they were. I can’t fathom celebrating a big birthday with one missing unless it was their choice.

So odd and hurtful OP. Nothing to lose in addressing it today.

Doing this to you once was nasty and unkind doing it twice is unforgivable. Id message the WhatsApp group saying so, cancel plans with DM and leave the WhatsApp group 24 hrs later. I'd not contact any of them again and leave the ball in their court.

i dont see why your DM is being dragged into it
sounds like it is your DS

give the ds, or not so dear, a telephone call

Are you trying to hurt OP? That's a horrible thing to say.

Far more likely her mother is just behaving weakly and going along with what others want rather than being an advocate for OP and speaking out against the unkindness.

Lots of passive aggressive suggestions to give them the cold shoulder but not say why. I think you should address it more directly so you can get it out rather than quietly seething about it.

I would speak to one person, the sibling or parent that you feel most likely to be honest with you. Tell them you are feeling hurt and excluded by this recent turn of events. Explain that it's making you question your whole relationship and position with 'the family' and that you feel like a mug for doing the gift organising and missing out on the celebrations. If you genuinely want to know why, try to stay curious rather than lashing out.

Do your family have form for excluding or judging others? Have you trangressed some unwritten rule? Moved to the wrong part of town, moved too far from home, wrong sort of job/ partner/ hobbies?

This and I’d do it today. If you let it go the precedence is set and they will think you are not bothered and continue to exclude you. If the distance is mentioned then highlight that 60 mins is nothing and that’s for you to work out whether you can make it or not but if there is another reason, you need to know what it is so that you can address it. Tell her how hurt you were re your mum’s celebrations but hid it from everyone but didnt expect it to happen again . Tell her it was you who arranged the gift and that’s how invested you are in family and big celebrations.

I’d also mention to your mum on Monday that you've had this conversation with your sister and guage her reaction.

Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem @50FreezeOut1

Unfortunately, your mum doesn’t like you either. Stop making an effort with your mum and siblings.

How horrible.

Is it something to do with your DH or DCs? No excuse but I’m trying to understand it as it’s so odd

Just ask about it. Sometimes it's not necessarily a plan but just works out that everyone's there.
When my sister turned 30, she was going away for the actual day, so I baked her a cake and cooked a load of food the Friday before. My mother and nan live in the same area so the thought occured to me on the day, when I realised I'd cooked too much, to invite them around, too.
My brother and his wife - who don't live in the immediate area and work full time, didn't get an invite, they were hurt.
It wasn't intentional. I just didn't think to ask them over because it wasn't "a party" and they should have been busy.
On reflection though, it very much looked like a planned party and I felt bad afterwards.

The mum knew that OP chipped in for the birthday gift and also knew that her daughter wasn’t inviting her other daughter. I would go NC or LC with all of the family!

Thats really mean, I doubt it’s your politics, one election me and my siblings all voted for different parties, it’s not important enough to be a cause for exclusion.

Do you have one sibling you are closer to who would let you know whats going on?

They have ruined the Edgewiorth family unit by behaving so poorly.

I wouldn’t say anything. You will only get the blame, and feed the drama. I would not be seeing mother next week, cancel and tell you are disappointed in the family and do not reinstate. Go very very low contact. If they care they will ask you, and apologise and if they continue to organise things without you - then you have your answer.

Op I would have some counselling, with a qualified professional specialising in IFS. It sounds like you have been/are the black sheep and I am sure you have had a lifetime of this poor behaviour and are somewhat used to this. I can tel, as you don’t sound especially angry, surprised or upset. Most people would be reacting far more strongly than you are.

How do you want to respond? How do you feel? Are you afraid they will abandon you? Please read Mel Robbins ‘let them’ and start protecting yourself from your toxic family. They truly sound awful. Counselling is the way forward, and some solid friends that can be your support network.

Given your update where your mother chose to exclude you from a gathering once (that you know of - maybe there have been other occasions) before, I'm guessing that for some reason you're the black sheep of the family?

This all sounds incredibly hurtful, and I couldn't continue my relationship with them in the same way moving forward - and I also couldn't say nothing to them about it. I'd absolutely send them a screenshot and tell them how hurt I was, but I wouldn't ask ask for an explanation as whatever they say won't excuse this behavior. And then I'd go extremely low contact with them all.

Clearly - for whatever reason - the relationship you have with them isn't the relationship you thought you had, so you need to step away and protect yourself as history suggests this won't be the last time they do this to you.

This is exactly like my family of 8.
I wonder if something has happened and no-one has told you why you are being left out. It is very hurtful and I would have to know why. I would ask my Dsis, straight to the horses mouth so to speak.
I would make arrangements to speak face to face then you can't be fobbed off.
Your DM would most probably make some "I don't know why" excuse. Hope this doesn't happen to you again OP.

Regardless of their excuses, this is not ok. At all. If someone hates another person it is the height of hypocrisy to keep them in a chat group, accept presents etc.

I would ghost the whole fucking lot of them, go to nothing, no lunches or anything else, I wouldn't cancel, I would just not turn up. I would say nothing, remove yourself from the group cha, unfriend them on FB or anything else you are connected on. If they approach you after that you might get some sort of reason.

But don't expect an honest or truthful reason, and in fact don't expect anything because this behaviour is very unreasonable and strange. They wanted you to see that you were excluded. Wtf?

Just get rid and get on with having a happy life. And I know that is easier said that done, but it can't be much worse than being treated like a turd someone stepped on.