Not invited to DSis big birthday

@Ohthatsabitshit I think this is just a terrible idea.

Sounds like OP's family are shit at inviting people who live more than half an hour away. This could be a teachable moment for them.

To ghost them with no explanation is just childish

The again is the bit here that us really important.

It really could be this.

I don’t think I’d even tell her, I just wouldn’t turn up or answer her calls. She is as much a part of it by going along with this nasty behaviour.

As they have form I would just go silent on them all from now on.

I wouldn’t say this, it sounds petty and flouncy (but ok to feel it!)

Ask your DM, “that’s twice I haven’t been invited to a big event, Mum, your birthday and now DSis’s. Why?” If she makes excuses again I would challenge them, this is your DM not a friend or neighbour, you should be able to be frank as long as you’re not too confrontational.

I’m very sorry because exclusion is miserable, they obviously have reasons not to invite you that they know are unreasonable, it’s still shitty of them.

I’d do this but to the group chat and include the word ‘again.’

I wouldn’t tell them in future you’ll be available and they should invite you; they knew that already, this is excusing them. Again.

That was one of the excuses her family gave

How completely shit of them.

Go direct. "Saw your birthday pics on FB. Got to be honest, I was surprised not to have been invited. Was there a reason?" Life is way too short to faff around hinting, being PA, involving other people and cranking up the talk behind people's backs machine. It's your sister. Ask her.

You haven't mentioned it op but are you half siblings? I know when I was younger I'd just say we were all full siblings.

I only ask because when I was younger I would proudly tell everyone about my huge family and all my sisters and brothers (5 in total). They were all a bit older than me (my nieces and nephews are all my age) but I thought we were really close. We would all holiday together, every special occasion was spent as a big group etc.

Until I turned 16 and stopped being the accessory my mum took along with her.

Suddenly I was not invited to the big holidays, Christmas, hen nights/weddings etc. Only to some things other non family came to where they liked to bulk out the numbers (big BBQ's). They didn't act mean when I saw them, just said a lot of things like 'Oh we just didn't think you would want to go'.

I was once invited to my sisters house and she was showing me all of the large photos of the family she'd had put up. I nodded, and though I did notice everyone else had one but me I didn't say anything. She then pointed out the one of me she had, it was in the downstairs guest toilet.

It stung to realise I'd never really been considered family at all by the people I loved, and I've distanced myself from them since.

What difference would that make? The lack of an invite is nothing to do with the distance.

You won’t be destroying the family unit - it seems like they don’t consider you a part of it anyway.
Sorry your family treat you like this but they have something against you.

I would still phone the sister. It looks as though they have form for not inviting you. The distance may be part of the issue. Some people are very parochial and see 60 minutes as a huge drive where as to others it’s a daily commute and you could have driven home again unless you would have insisted on drinking and staying with someone. Do you overorganise people? Maybe they had their own ideas for presents and resented being dragged in to yours. I would want to know what is going on but would probably think of them differently and see less of them

“Dear group chat, please do not make the assumption that I won’t attend gatherings because I live an hour away. I can decide that for myself and can arrange my own time to make things work”

So hurtful but you cant change it.

DONT GO SEE YOUR MUM!

i dont have the answer but Its interesting you already know you will be the villian not your Dsis and thst you also know your DM / DF / whoever haven't read the riot act and like "where is freeze??? Dsis What's wrong with you ?!?!?"

This is death by a thousand cuts

Whatever happens...

i would have a flat tyre and be unable to visit DM monday - if she can be bothered to make a 2 hr round trip to you i might let her.

I'd stop any "nice" gifts that require thought or money for your mum and sister. That includes Christmas aNd birthdays
I wouldn't invite them anywhere or offer help with anything.
Match their nonexistent energy.

If it comes up I'd say something very honest very neutrally / matter of fact "no need to discuss it. the message about my role in the family is very clear"

Pour your energy into your own family unit and good friends

Because the parents are complicit in what looks like quite a cruel move. As a parent of adult children, I would not play along with this sort of manipulation. And OP is likely to get a more direct answer from a parent than the sister who excluded her.

I'd expect there to be some really massive backstory, e.g. an excluded sibling drinks too much and causes fights, or always manipulates situations to be about them, such as announcing an engagement or pregnancy on someone else's birthday. Not saying OP does this, but I'd expect at least that level of attention seeking before leaving one person out.

on the face of it, it sounds awful. Is there some reason like you need someone to put you up or a lift if you stay?

Put one message on the family chat saying you have seen the photos and noting that this is the second time you have not been included in a significant family event in recent times. You accepted it the first time but this time it seems deliberate. You regret that if there had been any issue that not one of them addressed it. Instead there was a deliberate effort to publicly embarass and humiliate you (and your family). You are saddened that they allowed you to organise the present and not one said a word about the celebration.
Do not enter into any further dialogue including meeting with your mother tomorrow as this gives them a further opportunity to bully and isolate you. Do you have partner and children @50FreezeOut1 ? Think of the message your parents and extended family are sending to them. The nastiness stops now. Unfortunately the damage has already been done. Do not let it fester and deteriorate further.

@50FreezeOut1 what would you like the outcome of this to be?
Ongoing to be invited to all big family events?
Them to acknowledge that they've behaved poorly?

I live away from the rest of my family (about 3 and a half hours), I don't get invited to Sunday lunches etc but I do get invited to big events/birthdays. Less than an hour away is nothing.

Are your family one of those that unless you live around the corner they think it's too much of an effort for you to make it? I do know families like this who essentially think that moving further away they no longer feel the need to include that family member.

In which case, you are going to have to make it clear to ALL of them that of course you would have come to the 50th birthday lunch. That an hour away is not that far. That being excluded has made you feel very sad as you love them and want to be included particularly for birthdays.

Personally I would meet your mum and ask how the birthday lunch was and I would ask her why she thinks you weren't invited. See if it is the above.

If you can ring them all individually, I would. If not I would write on the family WhatsApp 2 messages.
1 saying hope you all had a lovely lunch out and that DSIs had a great birthday.

The second outlining:
Dear family, I was really upset to not be invited to the birthday lunch, I know I live slightly further away but I always would prioritise my family's birthdays / celebrations. Ongoing please could I be invited. If I have done something that has offended you, please let me know as at the moment I have no idea why I wouldn't be invited. I love you all and would like to be invited to family birthdays / events. I may not be able to attend them all but I will try to make it work. Lots of love.......

Yanbu I'd feel very hurt. I'd be taking it up directly with my sister, see who organised it because it might not even be her who organised it. Then I'd be speaking to the person who organised it.

I think just stop interacting with them at all. Don’t turn up on Monday, don’t chat, don’t call, just withdraw all contact and don’t explain.

They are toxic.

If it were me, I'd need to challenge DSis about this. Make your feelings clear, then walk away. Easier said than done though.

Honestly? You sound lovely and they sound dreadful, mean and petty, including your mother. You need to distance yourself from all of them. It's happening anyway and it would give you some agency and sense of control, rather than just allowing them to sideline and exclude you. Any decent mother would be upset about one of her children being regularly excluded, but your mum doesn't seem to care and even seems to actively facilitate it.

Leave them all to it. You deserve much better than the family you have got. Also, try not to get sucked back in when your mum needs more care and support as she ages. I bet your siblings will definitely want you to be involved in this, but harden your heart and refuse. They don't want you as part of the family and actions have consequences.

I would block every single one of them and assume the relationship is over.

They made their choice that she is not family.

I was excluded from a funeral of a family member. I wasn’t invited and I was told I was not to come when I asked about it. I haven’t seen my family since. It was deliberate and cruel. I wasn’t invited and told it was “private”.

Prior to that I wasn’t invited to a birthday for a parent. I thought it was an oversight so I asked if I could come. Turns out I was deliberately not invited. There was a pause before my relative told me that I could come and on the day there was all this tension and my relative screamed at all of us. Afterwards I was told I was deliberately not invited. The tension was all them. They didn’t want me there so everyone was on edge. There had been no major falling out. I just wasn’t wanted.

I would be upset and hurt too, particularly as you had contributed to a joint gift with your siblings for DS. And I wouldn’t be able to hold this in either, I would definitely be asking why I wasn’t invited.