Not invited to DSis big birthday

This and the quoted post.

Don’t use WhatsApp, This needs a direct face to face conversation.

Perhaps cancel the day out with your dm in order to give yourself time to decide how to broach the subject.

Do you not chat to your sister? Mine has a big birthday this year and months ago I asked her if she had any plans. It sounds like you saw her in May then haven’t spoken to her since.

I live hours away and my family sometimes don’t realise that they haven’t told me about things - not events like this but things that have happened to family members. So it could be that they didn’t realise no one had invited you. Although you’d think it would have been mentioned in conversations leading up to the event.

Me too. Don’t try and second guess what you’ve “done wrong” and twist yourself into knots changing to keep them happy. They are toxic manipulative inadequates and not worthy of you.

This is really good actually.

It's so short and direct So there can be no convoluted tangents.
"Looks fun" acknowledges the nice time and isnt emotional and then bam! Straight to the point

👏👏👏

Although I wouldn’t bother wasting my energy on asking about it.

Totally agree.

Once could be a mistake or misunderstanding and I'd ask directly to sort things out.

Twice is a pattern and I'd get the message. Life is too short to try to get people to like you or hang out with you if they don't want to, even if they're family, and I would focus my energy on the people in my life who DID want to socialise with me.

Never beg for crumbs of friendship from people who don't care.

Yes but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let things go for your own sanity.

It’s happened twice and so it will happen again if you let it as they know how to hurt you. This is a deliberately toxic family. I’m sorry.

I’m not usually dramatic but on this occasion I’d post this on the family what’s app and then leave and block them all

”Clearly there is something very wrong here, if Suzie’s priority on her 50th birthday was to blow our family unit apart and permanently exclude me and my family, and this was supported by all. So be it. Let’s not keep forcing a relationship which doesn’t work for all. I hope you all enjoyed the party”

Don’t explicitly cancel your mother just don’t turn up and don’t unblock any of them or respond to them if they find a way of getting in touch because they have chosen to do this knowing how much they hurt you last time (it’s not accidental they have done exactly the same thing, it’s textbook dysfunctional family!)

The only thing this would do is to reinforce to the OP feelings of worthlessness and the family will carry on their horrible behaviour though.

Totally agree with this.
I wouldn’t be in a rush to cut off my entire family, that’s easier said than done, but it needs addressing.
Passive aggression and commenting on FB posts is not the way to go. Blowing up is going to cause people to be defensive and angry back at you.
Direct questions and firm comments that it is unacceptable to be excluded. You can ask the reasons why but they’ll just make up excuses about distance.

These sorts of posts are always difficult because there is only ever the OPs viewpoint.

I would message the WhatsApp where the photos appeared. ‘Looks fun. Why wasn’t I invited?’

I would mention on the family group so all can see your messsge

very hurtful to not be invited

even more so as you organised the present

and seems you didn’t get invited to mum’s birthday lunch either from 2nd reply

spending is def up

@50FreezeOut1 find your tribe on the ‘but we took you to stately homes’ threads in the relationships board. It wasn’t an accident.

If it was me I would do absolutely nothing, I would hold my head high knowing I had done nothing wrong annd been good enough to put towards a gift, the problem lies with them . Definitely wouldn’t let it know it has bothered me, let them feel the awkwardness next time they all see you.

No, you haven't missed that, but you might have missed OP's update where her mother excluded her from a previous event, so obviously this is a family pattern.

With that update , Op I wouldn't bother sending any of those messages suggested as the answers are not likely to give you peace. I would withdraw though, mute the family WA group, politely decline the occasions where members of the family deign to invite you somewhere/suggest meeting up with you.

You won't be breaking up the family - they have already splintered you off from the "inner circle". Keep your dignity intact.

Why blame the parents? Sister is 50 years old and capable of making her own decisions!
There must be some sort of back story…

I think this is the way forward. You have to be honest and direct, op. Tell them how you feel and ask why you weren’t invited. This is so unbelievably hurtful that I am interested to know why they did it.

Can I ask what sounds like a strange question? Are you considered beautiful or very successful? If so, I wonder if there is some jealousy going on?

Really? Withdrawing your positive attention isn’t ghosting it’s disengaging. OP doesn’t have dance around for crumbs of attention from people who are being desperately unkind.

What do they usually for for your birthday @50FreezeOut1 ? Do they come for a meal out for you? Make an effort?

What a nasty thing to do, no wonder you're hurt. I would really struggle with having anything to do with them again. They've shown you what they think of you. Believe them.

How hurtful especially as you’ve organised the gift, which tbf I’d probably mention. Good luck it’s never nice feeling excluded.

I'd definitely say on the group chat "would have been nice to have been invited".

I wonder if your sister knows you’re the one that organised her present? It shouldn’t make any difference to whether you’re invited, but I would definitely assume that your siblings have claimed the credit. I would also not make an assumption about your sister knowing who was invited and who wasn’t if the other siblings organised it all.

I would say something along the lines of, “I was surprised not to be invited to your birthday, especially seeing as I’m the one who organised your gift. Can you shed any light on who made the decision to cut me out? I need to speak to them and get this sorted so it doesn’t keep happening.”

It clearly communicates that you’re hurt, let’s her know you didn’t just ignore her birthday (she might be wondering why you didn’t go/didn’t get her anything if the others have claimed credit) and if it turns out she is behind it, will make her squirm when she has to admit it was her. It’s also not going over the top with the emotions. Good luck op.