Not invited to DSis big birthday

I do wonder if there is an historical context that surrounds these exclusions, especially as you weren't invited to mother's big sit down lunch....why would any mother exclude one of her children to that unless there was and is a reason. However, you sound nice and personable so assuming that there isn't something in the cupboard you aren't acknowledging, don't recognise or don't even know about. I'd tackle it thus: I wouldn't turn up for the meeting with your mother, I wouldn't phone her or alert her as to why, should she then follow up, I'd tell her I'd forgotten, I've got some difficult issues/problems that I'm dealing with, this is not an untruth given what you've related here, but tell her I can't discuss them, just be suitably evasive. Let her worry and fret and feel uneasy, most mothers would if they were met by a wall of silence for a child who appears to not be themselves, because that's what she has done to you, by extension in this latest debacle. Even if she wasn't complicit in that, she certainly was excluding you from her birthday lunch. I'd then phase out most of my contact with your family, keeping it down to the bare minimum with a subliminal message "I'm dealing with problems" let them speculate as to what they are, if they contact you, by phone, I'd say, "I just can't talk about any of this now, I'm on my way out" or better still if their name comes up on your mobile, just don't reply. Neither would I respond to WhatsApps or emails. Pass the fretting bucket on to them. Look to your friends and immediate family for comfort and good times. Remember the old adage, we don't get to choose our family. Good luck with moving on with the lowest, barely a presence at all contact.

Really feel for you @50FreezeOut1 if my sisters did that to me I’d be gutted. From your post it sounds like you are keen and an organiser like initiating should we do lunch/ sorting present etc not in a bad way but I feel if I was you I would just say it doesn’t suit to meet your DM Monday and distant yourself for a wee while. I think that will speak volumes as in don’t fall out just be in the background for a few months if they care they will notice and that can be when you mention well to be honest when use did lunch for DM birthday use know I was hurt but then to do dinner as a family and exclude me again really made me realise what you all think of me/my family x

Can’t lie, I’d be devastated. I’d have to ask directly why I was excluded. There must be another WhatsApp group for this to have escaped the OP’s notice. Reminds me of the thread where the OP saw wedding pictures with the entire family there and wasn’t told. Anyone remember? Was there an eventual outcome there?

The fact she bought her sister a birthday present with her siblings but no one mentioned the party to her tells me that
1- it was deliberate
2- whoever didn’t want the OP to be there told everyone and they were happy to oblige

Im assuming @50FreezeOut1 that you were invited by your other siblings for their own b’days? Which would make me think it’s coming from your dsister and they didn’t want a fight with her.

Having said that, I would pull your sister up on her behaviour.
What happened with your mum can be explained away to the wider family. But this time, it was a very clear ‘Im not inviting her’ message. She is going to struggle to wriggle out of it this time.
im also wondering if there’s another sibling or family member you could talk to privately to try and get to the bottom of it.

This is awful OP. I'd ask nicely on the WhatsApp group why you weren't invited. Once all the shitty excuses start to come in then I would reply politely and leave the group. Walk away with your head held high.

yes. Tend to agree that I would do this. But I’d also ask sister if she liked her present.

Personally I wouldn’t want it to eat away at me, so I’d have to ask the question. I’d call your DSis to check she received the gift that you ordered for her, then I’d ask without emotion why she chose not to invite you to her birthday meal. You don’t need to react, get angry, argue etc. Just say ok, and that you hoped she had a nice birthday, and then leave it at that. This way you haven’t let it slide but also haven’t blown up the family. The ball is in their court to mend it.

Id also tell your mom you need to re-arrange Monday and then wait for your family to run around after you. Take a step back and protect your peace.

Be direct - I saw pics on social media of DSis big birthday get together. I would love to have come. Why was I not invited?

The answers will help you decide what to do next.

Its a crappy thing to have done to you, twice! Weird agenda going on here. They decide you can’t attend because you work or are busy or live too far away takes your choice away. Think about what value they add to your life. Your feelings are very valid here x

I think I’d arrive on her doorstep tbh. Face to face it’s harder to lie.

This is a shit thing to happen to you, not once but at least twice that you know of. I have a similarly toxic family but nothing as blatant as this. Mine are usually more sneaky where it’s difficult to call it out but if there’s one “positive” here, there’s no doubt this is exactly what it looks like and you don’t have to wonder aybu. I hope that makes it easier for you to protect yourself from them when you know it’s not you, it’s them.

It’s really not. Not least because this has happened twice now and the family know how upsetting the first time was.

There is no way this can have happened accidentally. It was planned for whatever reason. It involved setting up separate family communication channels not including the OP, everyone being told not to mention it to her in advance, and then the deliberate posting of photos on social media to humiliate her. If they just wanted a quiet meal without her and for her never to have found out, the photos could have been shared on their secret what’s app group.

The mum when planning the meet up on Monday, if not sworn to secrecy would of course have been saying “but of course I’ll see you before then at the family dinner”. The BIL would have said “don’t bother having the gift sent to me, just bring it with you for dinner”. They all knew and both the mother and the sister are instrumental in the exclusion because it happened for both of their special events. For whatever reason, they are the primary orchestrators. Continuing to ask why (when no proper explanation was given the first time they did it) is just giving them satisfaction that their cruelty has been felt.

Agreed. Not in the same league but I knew my sister had been grumbling on quietly about large sums of money she thought mum had given DB and me. (She hadn't). I spoke to sister directly, explained clearly and the whole problem went away.
I know it's not the same but sometimes straight talking is needed.

Do you have younger children? I’ve see loads of threads on where the family member is kicking off about their children not being invited and it being a family meal. Most posters back them up saying, don’t go to a pub or a place that accepts children if you don’t want any.

It could be that she wanted an all adult party. If she had invited you but not your children, you would have made a fuss and created a drama about you. Then she would have felt obliged to invite them and she could have seen it that the drama will overshadow her birthday.

This way, by not inviting you, she can deal with the drama post event.

Another option OP is to be cheerily passive-aggressive. Post in your group chat.

“Just seen the photos of DSiS birthday lunch! Looks amazing - hope BIL handed over the present I organised ok 😀 Can you add me to the party-planning WhatsApp group? I’ve obviously been missed off as this is the second birthday lunch that’s been organised without me - it’s a bit shit to be honest so can you add me to the group now so it doesn’t happen again? Thanks! ☺️ “

Then do the smile and wave/ grey rock the lot of them.

Someone at some stage in that holiday example lied by omission, surely. That’s awful if they made you feel ‘oh well you never asked’ I’m sorry that happened to you.

I think they've behaved very badly OP, and I would want them to know that I was hurt by it but chances are it'll fall on deaf ears or start a war where they all defend themselves.

My sister and Mum have a family of their own that I'm not included in, and sadly they've dragged wider family into it so I'm now the family outcast. It's nearly broken me because I've only ever tried to do my best but clearly that's not good enough. So I'm now I'm extremely low contact with my Mum, don't speak to my sister at all and ignore the wider family like they ignore me. I rely on my DH and DC for love and kindness, and life is much simpler and happier for it.

@Ohthatsabitshit just 'disengaging' with no explanation at this point is ridiculous and childish.

She might want to use it in the future, fair enough.

She should just send a WhatsApp asking why she was invited.

How do your family make you feel generally when you’re with them? Do you come away feeling buoyed up or do you often replay events or feel insecure?

I had a friendship group related to a hobby once that was the latter. I’m not sure it was really anyone’s fault but we just didn’t gel and I’d come away from socials feeling odd and often hearing about other events that had happened without me. In the end I just phased them down in my life and made more time for the friendship groups that made me feel like I was fun to be around.

Appreciate it’s tricky with family, but maybe if they don’t make you feel at ease you might consider leaning into other groups that do.

“Looks fun, why wasn’t I invited” is perfect.

Anything longer and concentrating on you being hurt or upset will lead to responses about why you shouldn’t be hurt/upset rather than getting to nub of issue which is the why.

Years ago my siblings went on holiday together. Didn’t invite me, didn’t tell me about it. It came out in a conversation with a third party casually and I was devastated. There were many many reasons why it made no sense for me to go but it felt so secretive and deliberately excluding.

I never said anything about it but it really impacted my well being for a while. It was the fact that not mentioning it had been so intentional. They knew, my parents knew, friends knew. And there was clearly a pact not to mention it. It’s very hurtful so I sympathise.

Yes but sometimes you have to be the bigger person and let things go for your own sanity.

@Lbet Being the bigger person doesn’t mean being a carpet everyone is walking on.
It means not stooping at their level (of pettiness etc….)
You can still hold people accountable and have boundaries!

I think watsapp is good because your questions are written in black and white. No one can accuse you of being obtuse or twist your words. Their answers are also there in black and white. Even though it is family it’s good to have things written down.

people can be so cruel and weird. I have always cut people some slack and overlooked even cruel actions but later in life I have found that this is no good for you. It messes with your mental health. Put yourself first. As others have said lean into relationships with those who do care about you.

‘Happy Birthday sis. Hope you liked the present I organised and had a lovely day. The photos looked fun. Was there a reason I wasn’t invited as it’s the 2nd time now and I’m starting to wonder why. Hopefully it’s something we can fix. Love, OP’

I wonder if they have another what's app group going with you excluded @50FreezeOut1.
Only this birthday meet up would take a bit of arranging.
If that is true then for some reason they don't want you at every meet up . God knows why but l wonder if you are more successful than they are in some way and they are jealous of you ? I am so sorry this has happened to you 💐

So your family have form for this already? You're a mug to have organised your sister's present (no "D" about it) given how you were treated previously.

As of now, no more. Another post said look at your mother's expression in the photos as it looks like she's been complicit on both occasions.

LC if not NC is the way to go.

I’d also advise being direct (but not aggressive)

’Hope you had a great day. I saw your party pics and was surprised and quite hurt to have not been invited along with the rest of our family- is there a reason?’

Also maybe message mum and suggest rather than spending the whole day you can now only do brunch or something- you can then put the same to her calmly without it overshadowing the whole day