Not invited to DSis big birthday

It sounds like they haven’t been kind to you for a long time and everyone has gotten away with it because you just want to keep the peace and not make a fuss for the sake of the family unit.

Why martyr yourself to continue to protect these people who aren’t very nice to you? I don’t think you need to do something dramatic. I can’t imagine you’d blow up the whole family. They are already not including you. It’s not like they’d stop seeing each other. But you don’t have to take it and pretend like everything is just fine.

I would just freeze them all out. Stop organising presents. Stop buying presents, for that matter. Stop inviting them to things. Stop dancing around to everyone’s tune. Just cool the relationships and get on with your life and relationships with people who value you.

I would send a short, straight to the point message to the family WhatsApp group.
Hey family, seen the photos from Facebook, everyone out celebrating xxxx 50th birthday. Is there a reason I wasn't invited? Why did no one mention it to me when I contacted everyone regarding the present I organised?

Leave them squirming to come up with answers and go low contact with them. I don't have the best relationship with one of my brothers, but I'd still be invited to any family event and we're civil to each other. Also if my dm arrived at a restaurant, would ask where one of her kids were, she'd leave straight away if she found out one wasn't invited at all.

Well, then the mother should get a backbone. These people have form, according to OP. And the mother hasn't even texted her to say thank you for the birthday present.

They're awful.

OP, look after yourself. I hope you have good friends because your family members don't care. That's what they're showing you. They don't deserve your energy.

I was going to ask about distance, but you live within easy reach of the siblings.

I’d be hurt as well.

@50FreezeOut1 that is awful. if there has been no fall out then this is shocking. don't think I would forget this. definitely it for me. the rest of the family have obviously been told not to say a word to you in the run up to the party. the knew what was happening so they are all just as bad!!

@Katrinawaves
You and I disagree and that's fine.

I would always advocate discussion so you get clarity to make better decisions. I would always suggest asking the difficult (sometimes awkward) questions to get to that.

I think the previous suggestion of 'Looks like you had a great time. Why wasn't I invited?' is good.
It is to the point, unemotional and requires a response.

Because this has happened to a friend of mine and had a happy outcome, I would always suggest 'clearing the air' before going no contact with your entire family.

Agree

It’s very bizarre, given the details in your second post. I’d straight up just say how it made you feel and ask why. Why not? If you don’t then it probably will keep happening

Also I would add, there is a big difference in being invited to the mother's birthday party where the OP was included, but being excluded from the mother's birthday lunch, an altogether more of an intimate affair before this latest exclusion with the sister. Lets put ourselves in the OP's position of course that would trigger hurt not to mention huge question marks. Only she can know whether she would prefer to address it head on and risk confrontation, or go low contact, personally I think the latter would serve them all right, let them, if they have any decency, stew in their unkind behaviour and possibly feel guilty as to their sneaky, underhand tactics.

Cross posted with you. I just said exactly the same.

Your family are horrible @50FreezeOut1. They have deliberately excluded you twice, apparently without any obvious explanation.

I think you have two options.
Either ask your sister directly, but face to face rather than on the WhatsApp group where your question will be ignored or a non answer given.
Or, just take a huge step back and stop seeing them, tell them you are busy and then ignore communications.

It will all be your fault whichever option you take but option 2 doesn't make a drama, which might make you feel better and reducing their bitching.

seems to me you have 2 choices. Go LC or NC without fanfare or blow the family up. Me? I'd blow the family up but its your choice.

Moveovertothesea - Not no contact, low contact. It wasn't just the birthday party, it was also the mother's sit down lunch, so clearly I'd say some unresolved issues. We only have the OP version of events, so no we don't know the ins and outs, there has to be more to it as you suggest. However, taking the facts as relayed to us at face value, and I'd say with both occasions in the mix, where she has been ostracised, not to mention an unacknowledged birthday present, something is going on behind her back. I think very hurtful, baffling and a reason to fret. So either she faces all of this head on, be prepared for a massive confrontation, maybe that's something she doesn't want. The other option is to kind of gradually phase out of these collective events, where she isn't included and maybe pass on some of the disquiet as to what she is suffering from on to them. Let them ponder as to the role they may have played in her going cold with a barely there level of contact.

My two sisters and parents started organising family events without me around 2017 and 2018. I told them how upset I was by their behaviour, they told me to grow up so I went no contact for six months in 2019. Then regretted it throughout COVID! And my goodness my mum complained that she couldn't see her grandkids and how unfair it all was. Works both ways!

I ended up having a sit down conversation with them afterwards about how it hurt me to not be invited to events. They used the excuse that I live three hours away, whereas they're all within an hours drive if each other, which imo (based on other comments in this thread) is not a valid reason for not inviting close family. I suspect it's because I've always been the black sheep of the family and likely neurodivergent. I also had kids first which was an excuse they used for a while.

After talking to them, they now go out of their way to ask if I want to go to family events and over explain if they don't invite me. But at least I feel they've acknowledged my feelings.

and wouldn't have asked "where's @50FreezeOut1 ?"

It sounds like you're deliberately being excluded from big family events, but they're happy to take big gifts from you.

I'm so sorry. They don't sound like nice people, even if they are your family. I hope you have a lot of good friends where you live.

Two things about this

1. OP has tried this approach already with the DM’s birthday and it didn’t work; and
2. If that’s genuinely what they thought it wouldn’t be cloaked in secrecy. It would be talked about openly in advance with regret that OP couldn’t come.

I wouldn't bother with them again tbh. But if you do meet dm make her squirm. But don't ask bothered.

And yes opt out of any future care of dm. You're far too far away.

Agree with this. Don't be passive aggressive about it. It hurt you and you don't need to hide it. If they presumably have another group for planning meetups on, why are they posting pics on this one?

Really sorry you're going through this. Be direct, then keep minimal contact with the lot of them.

I agree with everyone saying take a step back. There's no point in asking them if there's a problem, you tried that before and you won't get a straight answer. They are creating a problem and choosing to exclude you and not discuss it with you like adults. Its hurtful, but you can't fix this.
You're the only decent person in the family.

Honestly Freeze I would blow my top about this all over the family WhatsApp group and I'd certainly not be seeing my Mum tomorrow. You've a right nasty bunch in your family, and I'm sorry for you for it.

Going forward, for your own sake, maybe best to distance yourself from them all. They certainly haven't given a damn about you, or how this (and Mum's birthday lunch exclusion) has made you feel. They'll just do it to you again at the next 'big' event I'm afraid, so pull back now and save yourself the hurt.

That sounds horrible. I’d be inclined to leave the WhatsApp group for a bit and see how long it takes anyone to contact you.

Don’t do this. I know someone who words things like this. It just gets people’s backs up. Be direct. Say that really hurt your feelings and ask someone to explain why you weren’t invited. Don’t do the sulky victim act with “I’d love to have been invited!” It isn’t a good look.

This is awful, I would not contact any of them, including your mother.

I would take a massive step back from them and see if any of them reach out to you. This will tell you everything you need to know.
Sorry this happened to you, very hurtful.

This is so strange! You sound really nice, OP!!!!

I would ask your sister directly. I'm sorry this is happening - you sound amazing and thoughtful!