Not invited to DSis big birthday

OP just read your update. What a strange dynamic. I agree with other posters that you could be the Scape goat. So awful when families have these strange dynamics going on. It is really difficult to work within these parameters. It might be worth having a blow up with family about it and then reducing your contact. You sound lovely so why they are treating you like this is a mystery.

There really doesn’t have to be a back story! Have a look at one of the Stately Homes threads. The victim of this kind of toxicity has rarely done anything to merit it! In the same way that the child picked on at school or the woman assaulted on a night out hasn’t asked for it or deserved it either. You might like to think this is the case but unfortunately it’s not the case.

Also this manipulative bullshit of not telling what the OP what she has done to be excluded but expecting her to examine her own character and behaviour and guess why it’s not acceptable and then change is massively destructive to OP’s mental wellbeing.

I would be fully honest. I would say 'I feel really hurt not to be invited to this birthday dinner. Especially after I organised the lovely join present from us all as a family. I feel gutted. Please can we talk about this together.' and send to sister. Haven't read all posts yet. Will read now.

Very strange unless there have been issues in the past....

Yes there is to be something. What are you not telling us OP?

She could go to lunch with the mum @askmenow but don’t forget her mum was the first person to exclude her from a family event so she legitimised this behaviour and has gone on to condone her other children perpetuating it.

It was in someone’s best interests for the OP to be moved to the outer circle of this family and she didn’t notice it happening until it was a done deal and now too late to reverse. It absolutely won’t be about her being a vegan or her political views or her weight! Most likely one of the siblings or the mother has a deep rooted jealousy and insecurity about her. They probably couldn’t even articulate the reasons why they have done what they’ve done even if they were asked outright.

Your mother sounds like mine, did she not believe what you told her or did she take SIL's side?
Either way, you just have hern so hurt that she didn't care how you felt.

Just read your update.

You absolutely must ask and you must be prepared to walk if this is the way the extended family is running.

Very strange unless there have been issues in the past....

If not...,maybe they forgot to send you an invite. Maybe you're loud and dominating.

Get this out into the open and call your sister. Say your perplexed and hurt. Take it from there..

Stay silent on the WhatApp group. Or, be bold and post 'looks great, wish I had been there'

It does appear you're very much on the fringes of the family.

Did you leave home to go to Uni and they stayed more local? Have you a different lifestyle, more affluent, more diverse? Perhaps they cant relate?

Given they have stayed more to your parents, you have to an extent removed yourself from the family circle? It's not an excuse and clearly hurtful.

I would go to lunch with your mum, but very much in the mindset that this may be my last lunch with her for a while.
Explain how you feel and tell her you're distancing yourself from your siblings due to the toxic nature of their behaviour. Its inexcusable your Dsis hasn't thanked you for the gift.

At the end of the day you need to do what's best for you and your own.
What does your DF say to all these shenanigans?

I think I would call your sister. Be to the point with her. Hi sis, I’m really disappointed and upset that you deliberately excluded me from your birthday meal. All the rest of the family were there - why did you not invite me? Have I offended you in some way?

OP I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. From your update it sounds like you're the black sheep of the family. They've assigned you this role for quite trivial reasons too (living further away and different political views). If they wanted to include you, they absolute could, and would. But they don't want to and it sounds like that's because, as a group, they like to have an outsider and unfortunately that is you.

What can you do about it? Firstly try your best to emotionally detach from them. It's the hardest thing to do because they are your family, but you have no other choice. This is not your fault and you are not to blame!! Not in the slightest!! They have behaved appallingly and that is 100% on them. You need to take a step back and protect yourself from them. They are toxic and dysfunctional and the longer you maintain the facade that your family is normal, or cares about you the way that they should, the more disappointed and hurt you'll feel when they inevitably (and predictably) let you down.

Take a step back, get some therapy, and look after yourself. You need to start priorising people who genuinely care about you and respect you.

Oh, @50FreezeOut1 I'm so so sorry - big hugs.

I think you need to broach it with your mother. Why are you being excluded?

It's awful, and you living an hour away is not a good reason.

I'd be interested in your place in the birth order of you & your siblings ...

Dunno if I'm just like this. But why can't you just be straightforward and say, "That was rude! Why would you think it's ok to invite everyone except me. Because it's very offensive and I thought I was your sister. If there is a reason, I would like to know." Then after that cut them all off until they start treating you like a normal human being with respect. Sometimes there are perfectly normal explanations or mixups or misunderstandings. Perhaps someone said something like oh i told your sister and she said shes busy. You never know which one is doing what. Ive had my sister mess up family plans out of jelousy and until I spoke up and asked what happened I didn't realise it was her and blamed my in laws the whole time and they blamed me!

”I see I have been deliberately excluded yet again. How hurtful. The fact that I organised the gift would surely have ment that I warranted an invitation, let alone the fact that we are all family. I am going to withdraw for a while whilst I process this.”

Then don’t respond when they come up with their shitty excuses. You need to look after you. 💐

I would go on the family group chat and ask if anyone would be good enough to explain why you are deliberately excluded from attending family events yet expected to chip in for the big presents.

Then, go LC with the lot of them. Or NC with them all except your Mum if she's piggy in the middle rather than the instigator.

(Unless you have form for getting drunk, having shocking table manners, being a judgemental vegan or one of those 'oh just a small portion for me' fat shaming types. Doesn't sound like you are though from your last post 🙂).

I can imagine this is really hurtful OP especially if all the rest of the family are there including your parents. I'd be taking a deep, calm breath and calling my sister. I'd tell her that I want her to know how hurt I am that I wasn't invited and see what her response is. No need for drama, you can ask a calm question and if things blow up it will be her guilt that does it.

Yep.

OP has told them how she felt first time it happened and asked for an explanation and didn’t get a straight answer.

The likely escalation if she stays in the mix is that when a parent dies she won’t be told until the siblings have had a chance to visit the family home and take what they want and won’t get input into organising the funeral (or this is what happened to me) and she’ll be dealing with the headfuck in a time of grief. Far better for mental health to have taken the agency and walked away than have that kind of shit happen

How hurtful. It’s presumably not the fault of your DM or other siblings, but I see no problem in telling them how upset you are.

I would definitely contact your sister, tell her how hurt you are and ask her why she wanted to exclude you.

But it does seem to me that there must be some back-story we don’t know about. It seems unlikely that this happened totally out of the blue after a lifetime of good relationship with her.

Honestly if you say very factually and with no emotion “looks like a great party. Thank you for including me not, i need to process how i feel” nobody nobody can blame.

do not mention the past. They all know what happened 3 yrs ago. Stay in the present and be factual.

yes. You may have to mourn the loss of your family including your mum. She colluded. I would never forgive mine but she wouldnt do it. I am sorry your mum is a divider to conquer type person.
My grandmother (mum’s mum) is like that. She is vile and poisonous and horrible to my mum. So I can see how it feels. But my mum made her peace. She supports her financially and visit her for my mum’s own dignity but she s done expecting anything from her and waiting for anything. And us 3 and my dad are behind my mum every step of the way.

have only read OPs posts.

It is supremely rude not to thank you for the gift. Ask her if she got it because you are worried about that since she didn't mention it.

Then leave the group and wait for them to reach out to you. You really don't need them in your life, do you?

ETA: I'm in the "blow up the family" they have left you out of 2 family occasions, in my book, they don't get a 3rd chance.

Is it just you and your DM meeting up?

I would have to ask her straight out. 'You all seem to have a problem with me as I keep being excluded from big family gatherings. Can you tell me why please?'

Don't take any evasive answers or pathetic excuses. This didn't just happen, they deliberately excluded you both from the event and the planning of it. Expect it not to be a particularly nice experience.

Take it from there. I would be planning my life around seeing far less of them in future.

It sounds a horrible situation to be in, I'm sorry OP.

Wow. After reading your update, they sound just horrible. They don’t like you for some reason and have a WhatsApp group without you for arranging these things, probably more than you are aware of. I would go low contact. What an unpleasant bunch.

What a set of lousy bastards OP. I'm sorry you have been treated this way. I get it, it has happened to me and it bloody hurts. And, yes I am that person in our family who will call people out on their shitty behaviour - only to be labelled as "awkward" or 'gobby" Do you know what though, I wouldn't give a shit . Your feelings are valid as much as any one else's.
If you are concerned about looking like the "bad one', I'd write a REALLY polite message on the WhatsApp group . Not confrontational. Somethinh like 'oh i must have missed the message about the meal'
Let the fuckers squirm.

I can't help but wonder if it's the political thing then, although really they should be adult enough to be able to put this kind of thing aside when necessary, especially as it doesn't sound like the relationship is otherwise acrimonious or anything.

But certainly politics can be a very dividing topic. 100% there are people on here who would distance a sibling for having different views on say the trans debate.

@50FreezeOut1 they obviously have another whatsapp group which you are not in. to be honest if this is the second time, i would forget the whole lot of them. even the mother. she is as bad!!