Not invited to DSis big birthday

This is awful @50FreezeOut1
They have excluded you and yet you are the one worrying about the impact on family if you call it out.

How hurtful… maybe you need to drop a note on the group WhatsApp and say ‘I would have loved to have been there to celebrate DSIs special birthday. Did you all forget to invite me’ and leave it hanging there.

i am firmly in the "pin out throw handgrenade" school of thought.
So my reaction would be to write one message in the family group along the lines of the sister is fucking rude (and i would use that word) not to thank me for the gift, and that they are all cunts for leaving me out of yet another family event"

and then say nothing more.

It happens, more than you think.

I can explain to you why it happened to me and see how much sense it makes to you.

There is 6 years between me and DB. He messed around at school and did poorly in his A levels and had to resit them twice. I was a bright and bookish child and did well in my A levels. I went off to university at aged 18 and that’s when the campaign to cut me out started. By the time I graduated and had a good job offer, his jealousy was out of control. He realised then that if he could isolate me from the family he could inherit everything left. Some of the lies he told about me to achieve this were insane. Ironically, I didn’t and still couldn’t care less about the family money (of which there isn’t a lot anyway).

it’s not a reflection of me as a person. I didn’t do anything and was very young when the campaign started. I have a great relationship with all my inlaws, my own family and the family of my son’s partner. Lots of friends. It is what it is with the others and my life is better having made the decision finally to go NC (10 years ago) and leave them to it.

There will most likely be a reason one or maybe more of them don’t extend the invite to you, hurtful as it is.
Do they like your husband? Have your kids got form for disrupting meals? Do you pay your share?
If you really can’t think of anything, I’d ask. If there is no reason and it’s just meanness, I’d seriously reduce contact I think. I don't think this dynamic is all that unusual in families with multiple siblings though, always makes me roll my eyes on threads where people are contemplating 2nd/3rd/4th kids as it'll be lovely for them to have family - Not always, and everyone I know that has fractious family relationships comes from a big sibling group! Hope you get an answer OP.

I’d have to call them out though there’s more to this story I’m guessing.
No family would just leave one person out unless there had been issues. Makes no sense.

Im sorry op but 60 min journey isnt far, they are being nasty!!! I wouldn’t be able to be passive and not ask them about why they did this. So left out of dsis 50 meal and also dm meal, that’s pathetic, if their excuse is that u live too far away. Bullshit. Don’t bother in future if thats what they are like. My mum would NEVER leave out a sibling from an occasion. We’d all get asked n fair enough if one can’t come, but at least we’ve been invited

Why are you making things up to try to justify the OP not being invited to two major family events, without any reason having been given?

Yes, I've been there as well. Only family member not invited to brothers wedding, family holidays and visits to each others houses for long weekends that I was never included in. Way before social media so I only ever found out when randomly mentioned in conversations.

Never knew why, havent seen any of my siblings since death of last parent. I havent blocked any of them, I have just adapted the method of making as much effort with them as they do with me, hence havent seen them and dont expect to again.

It has actually made my life easier as I no longer worry or get upset as to why no one in my family ever wanted a relationship with me. It is what it is and I have my own family and friends that I have replaced them with.

Hey OP’s sister- did you have a good night?

Yes if she realised it was from the OP not the BIL

What you do depends on how you want things to be going forward as far as you are concerned. You can't change them. It does not sound like you will get a genuine apology if they already have form for this. Personally I would probably use such a situation as the excuse for lighting the blue touch paper, if I were prepared to do so. If you wish to remain in whatever contact they permit but keep some dignity intact without rocking the boat then you probably just need to ignore and grey-rock.

Your flight of fancy may be correct but I very much doubt it. From her posts, OP sounds sensible and measured in her response to her mum's and siblings' exclusion of her from important family milestone events.

Surely even you would agree that it is the height of rudeness and ingratitude for her sister not to thank OP for the gift that she bought and posted to her brother in law to give to her sister on the morning of her birthday?

Another reason the OP might not get invited is if she tends to try changing events she is invited to to suit her. For instance she gets an invite to an Indian restaurant at 7pm and says she/ child doesn’t like Indian food and 7 is too late so how about bland different restaurant at 3pm so the person whose birthday it is doesn’t get the sort of meal they were wanting.

I wouldn't just distance yourself without asking why you weren't invited. I would want to know exactly what went on in the background and how complicit your parents were in the whole thing.
When you weren't invited to your Mum's lunch three years ago did your Mum issue the invitations or did a sibling organise it as a last minute surprise?
I would be direct. Discussing it with your mother without talking to your sister is a form of triangulation and will just confuse things more. This event was your sister's party and she isn't a child.
I would either phone your sister or better still comment on the WattsApp group, "Looks like fun but to be honest I'm hurt that I wasn't invited when everyone else knew about the party, particularly as I had organised the birthday present. What's that about?
There has been some shenanigans behind the scenes and I would want to know who is behind it before deciding what to do. If your Mum is in the middle rather than the instigator I would want to know why she felt that she had to go along with not mentioning it. After speaking to your sister I would ask your Mum about it and see what she says too.

And the fact that no one, not even your parents, told you and all attended…. Surely indicates that they fully accept her reasoning as completely valid

This sister will presumably have a very valid and compelling reason why she’s not invited the OP. I mean… if you love and care for someone, you invite them. If you don’t, then you don’t invite them.

I’d have cancelled already with no explanation AND I’d be screening calls for a week at least

But if they exclude you @Muffinmam …. I am going to guess they’re not bothered if you “cut them off”

They already sort have cut you off

Definitely ask other siblings and mother who planned the event and why you weren't invited.

When I've done that with my family they just say "oh it was last minute and you're far away"

Personally, I would compose a message to be sent to the siblings individually, and send it while you are at the lunch with your Mum. At the same time, ask your Mum why you weren't invited. Don't give them the chance to confer. Then get up and walk away.

This sort of thing happens to me with my family. But I think it's because I live 2 hours away and non of them like planning ahead.

I'll try and plan ahead as I need to for the distance and they say "I can't think that far ahead." Then nothing is confirmed and then I find out an event went ahead!

It is upsetting . Because it wouldn't hurt them to plan say 3 weeks ahead or even if they text a few days before I could perhaps make it work.

I've given up now.

Could it be the distance for you OP too?

I'd actually phone sister to ask if she had a nice birthday, did she receive me present and why wasn't I invited to the meal. Then I'd call up mum to ask what's going on? You'll know more about how you feel pending on their responses. Afterwards you may feel inclined to leave a message on the family group whatsapp, saying you're hurt and disappointed to have been excluded from a family meal. Especially when asked to contribute towards her present! Then leave the group. Perhaps a break from them will do you good.

P.s. I wouldn't cry in the toilets. I'd go full on crying and snotting into the party!

If you had gone to the meal would you have expected you plus maybe your family to be hosted for the night? That’s the main reason I could think that your sister maybe inviting you was too much faff. A fun meal out and a family hosting obligation are different. If you often just drive to meet them then drive home again that is less valid as an excuse