Not invited to DSis big birthday

Do you have a husband/partner that they dont like - drinker? contrary? has a past or lifestyle they dont approve of?

That might explain it but doesnt excuse it.

It sounds like you have a vry enmeshed family with some dreadful dynamics that you need to come to terms with. Your DMs actions on both occassions are unforgivable.

I had something similiar in my family but the expectation is that you take the beating (being excluded and then humilated on SM to ensure you know) and then are expected to keep showing up so they can enjoy you battered and bruised emotional state. Dont give it to them @50FreezeOut1.

Dont ask why - thats a trap to provoke and cause conflict which will somehow be your fault and/or they will say some rubblish like last time (mine said we 'thought' you were on holiday).

Take away the final kicks they are getting out of subjugating you and your family. Just quietly withdraw. Dont flounce from the WA. Dont initiate any further contact. When/if they contact you - respond a few days later with cut and paste bland vanilla responses.

Fade them out. But it is deeply and viscerally painful to do this - I would suggest professional support - and then getting really busy with friends and other family who care for you and prioritise building great relationships here.

Will @50FreezeOut1 return to the thread I wonder.

I'd have to ask why I wasn't invited. Then when the poor excuses come you have the information you need to decide what to do. And if that's distance yourself, I would tell them exactly why you are doing that and leave the family WhatsApp group. I speak from experience. It's so hurtful to find out things have been done behind your back but you need to stand up for yourself here or it will happen again

What a bunch of assholes
Sorry OP

@WhereYouLeftIt I think you’re naive in thinking that you can fall out with your mother and all your siblings and for that to have no impact on your relationship with the rest of the family. People take sides. And let’s be honest, it’s easier to shunt 1 person than the 3 other siblings and their families.

And that’s wo going into the fact the OP’s family will present a totally different truth and will make out she is unreasonable. They never meant like that. It was just a mistake etc etc….

This is so hurtful! I would definitely call them out but then I'm not sure where I'd go from there, as its unlikely their reasons/excuses will be at all valid.

Why not just ask on the wassap group ,see what shit they come out with.

They sound awful OP. If you're not going to question them directly I think you should maybe cancel seeing your mum tomorrow and take some space. This is so awful and hurtful.

"I did ask last time and the excuses were unconvincing. I want to be direct and ask Sis50 but that might be the trip switch that blows up the whole extended family unit forever and guess who'd get blamed for that?"
Why do you think asking what was going on would "[blow] up the whole extended family unit"? I can appreciate your immediate family - mother and siblings - would take the hump at having their mindfuckery being pointed out, but why the extended family?

"I am a very normal, friendly helpful person. Help out on the PTA etc. Make new friends easily as I'm sociable in an appropriate way (not a babbler etc). Am liked throughout the extended family. But not by my siblings it would seem. We do have different political opinions (me Lab them Tory) but I am very socially aware and don't ever bring politics up with anyone unless they do."
Again - "Am liked throughout the extended family." So why would any action of yours blow up the extended family?

"I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me."
And again - you fear blowing up / destroying the family? Why do you fear this? In what way could any action on your part destroy the family unit? How fragile must the family unit be if questions could destroy it?

(Edited for typos)

I don't want to be the one blamed for destroying the e.g. 'Edgeworth' family unit but I don't know how to respond to this without it all blowing up in my face and it all being blamed on me.

^ Sorry, I don’t mean to be hurtful but I feel I am stating the obvious - your family don’t treat you like part of their unit and they seemingly don’t even like you. I’m not saying they are justified, just that it’s clear how they feel from their actions spanning years…

therefore, don’t give them what they want by confronting them. They want something to use against you. I would just go for the slow fade, be less available, don’t get them gifts or just get them something cheap and token, send them birthday wishes late if at all, don’t message them, don’t respond to them with any urgency? Just keep them on the back burner like they do with you.

a) why do you assume that this the case?
b) why would any decent, loving family exclude their own child because they disliked their partner? Surely you would make sure to maintain the relationship with the child if you were concerned that the partner may be abusive?

This is so hurtful, I would need an explanation. 60 minutes is nothing, people travel that twice a day for work, it can't be that. I live a 7-8 hour flight away from my family and still was invited to my brother's 40th and I timed my trip back to attend. They wouldn't invite me to regular birthdays though as they wouldn't expect me to be around but I live a long long way away. There must be an explanation OP and you might need to dig deeply to get it. I am so sorry, this is so hurtful to you.

All I can think is they don’t like your partner/DH

My husbands family have done this to him for years. I’ve raised it with them once… and had it all turned on me. So I distanced myself, and guess what. It still happened to my husband. He raised it again… and hey, you’ve guessed it. All blamed on him. Now they don’t talk to us, and they blame us for it. They have “power in numbers” and use it to exclude. I have no idea if your situation is similar, but I’ve learnt that there’s no reasoning with people like this sometimes, and when you bring it to their attention they will refuse to see any fault, and would rather cause ww3 than simply apologise.

Don't give them the satisfaction of a big blow up. Instead, go lc/nc and create for yourself a boundary that doesn't allow them to hurt you like this.

Just stop: no outreach, no arranging gifts, no follow up. Don't ignore outright unless you go NC, but otherwise stop actively engaging.

I have a theory that in social groups like this they need someone to be on the "outside" to validate their own position. You can't make them include you, but you can create enough distance that you no longer feel excluded because you've taken control of your level of involvement.

I wasn't suggesting the OP had done anything but there must be a pattern of behaviour from the wider family. Is it just these two isolated incidents they have been excluded from or have they always had a difficult relationship with the rest of the family? Just trying to understand the dynamics.

I think for my own peace of mind I would want to say something but would do it verbally, not in writing. And fully with the expectation that it will go into the family lore.

Favoritism in families is a big thing - unfortunately some parents encourage it. If this is the case, nothing you say would make any difference. It may well be that someone has decided OP is in the wrong for something and is driving this.

But if it is an unthinking habit which has grown up because they are all 'local' that may make it worth pointing out to them that you know they did this, it has happened before, and it is deeply hurtful.

I would see mum on Monday, ask her about it and be prepared to leave early if she gets hostile or attacking.

If you want to know and feel like saying something…
I wouldn’t go backwards with going forward.

Just simply ask, was there a reason I wasn’t invited?

However, silence is always much louder. even acting like you aren’t phased by it.

This is very sound advice, what you’ve said is true.

No matter what they think, just because there are more of them, doesn’t make them right!

You are just making things up, now. And no, it's not because you've got a good imagination - you haven't.

Yes absolutely

have some kind of show down op… and they’ll be chuckling about it over beers at the next family gathering.

ghost them… and they may or may not pursue you and then if they enquire why, you can tell them calmly why.

But for heavens sakes don’t “have it out with them”. This family aren’t bothered

That's the thing. They will just laugh and use it to justify their bad behaviour even more. 'Freeze is nuts, what a crazy reaction'.

Ghosting is better imo.

Yes

So all the suggestions to have some kind of Jerry springer showdown is so daft

The entire family aren’t bothered if she attends family events and indeed actively keep it from her. Why would these people care whether the OP confronts them and threatens to cut them off? They patently wouldn’t be particularly bothered

Presumably you are fortunate enough to come from a family where this hasn't happened and so assume that it doesn't happen.
Unfortunately, favouritism and leaving out one person for no good reason is common. I'm sure the people who do it justify it to themselves by making excuses eg 50freeze chose to live too far away, 50 freeze's children are too old/young, 50 freeze's DH is from a different culture or, a common one, X (golden child) is struggling with their mental health and is on a low income so we need to support them, whereas they have actually been lazy and useless, maybe got into trouble with the law/drugs, and are unable to hold down a job, which the parents have enabled.
Not everyone's family is kind and reasonable.

It never ceases to amaze me how posters don’t follow this thought through

This family has repeatedly decided to exclude OP.

quite clearly they don’t particularly care about her nor enjoy her company, so do you really think some kind of big show down is going to impact them to any real extent whatsoever? More like dinner conversation fodder for their next family get together