Not invited to DSis big birthday

Absoloutely disgusting that you were not invited and that your family went along with it and didnt even mention it. I would be asking them all why they thought this was acceptable! They sound like a toxic lot and i would be distancing myself from people like this! What decent human being would allow and go along with a family member being excluded from an important family celebration? You do not deserve to be treated like this! It is totally unacceptable!

I know this is old but Ill comment anyway as it resonates with me. I kept not speaking up for years and it got worse. So speak up now as you will regret not saying. They are bullies, it's toxic(you know this deep down as you constantly explain how you say nothing contraversial etc, so you already minimise yourself). Stop minimizing you needs to be included. Stop devaluing yourself by even questioning whether you did anything wrong. They are a group of bullies. Speak up the concentrate on your own little family. Let them miss out on your life, your kids. When you walk away the dynamic shifts and they will need to find a new scapegoat. It's just textbook. Stay polite but distance yourself.

How are you @50FreezeOut1 ?

So horrible to be excluded but especially by your own family.

How sad if it has anything to do with monetary value. We have one of 7 kids who never did as well as the others financially, but never would we have left him out. It's called love. If it DOES in fact have to do with snobbishness over wealth, just write your family off. There are so many more better people in the world.

@50FreezeOut1
I would have loved to have a sister. It’s their great loss, but they’re too silly to realise.

As someone said upthread, don’t say anything and give them the bullets to shoot you with, because they would relish in that.

Your family really don’t deserve you 💐

I would join the conversation, and say "it looks like ya'll had a nice time. I might have enjoyed myself too, had I been invited. I'm hurt; I'm a little angry, but I hope the birthday girl enjoyed her present. And I'm really not in the mood to hear any excuses or explanations why my sisters birthday dinner wasn't mentioned to me. Have a nice day, but please, leave me alone for awhile".

I have been there multiple times with my own family. Even when I would show up, I would sit and watch my parents take family pics with my sisters and leave me out. When I was “included” I was the butt of jokes and on the receiving end of abuse. I finally cut myself free from my sisters after mom/dad passed. I have no contact with them, I see them once every few years if we are at the same family event in other states. They try to say hello, I walk away. My mental health has improved dramatically since I came to realize I was the black sheep….

The others may have not known that you were not invited.

That has happened to us once with my husband's cousin. She was getting married (2nd marriage), but we weren't invited. My mother-in-law just assumed that we were invited also. MIL asked us, after the wedding, why we weren't there, and we told her that we were never told about the wedding. MIL was shocked and unhappy, saying that she wouldn't have attended if she had known that. Rest of family was also invited and showed up for the festivities. No one else knew we were excluded until MIL decided to tell everyone why we weren't there. (No MIL didn't have our back. She just loved juicy gossip, and this qualified.) I had a guess as to why we were excluded, but we were okay with it, as this isn't someone that we had a lot of contact with in the last few years prior to the exclusion.

Thus, while you were excluded, that doesn't mean that anyone else knew that you were excluded until after they arrived at the party. I would talk to your mom and ask what happened. Depending on her reply, I would then decide what to do after that, including talking to your other siblings. Leave your DSis50 for last, depending on what your other family members say.

Additionally, invites do get lost. Emails don't go through (I've had one drop in 2 months after I sent it). Mail doesn't get delivered. We had several wedding invites that never got delivered. The exclusion may have been accidental instead of intentional.

Do some investigating. Then decide what to do about DSis50 after you gather additional information.

You absolutely don’t deserve any of this and you are being treated poorly. I expect you are the conscience of the family and your presence reminds them that a more fulfilling and less materialistic way is out there. This could make their usual prejudices and snobbery difficult to maintain in your presence.
Only you know if it is worth raising the issue but I would speak openly to DA and DF (and possibly whichever sibling you like best -not DSis birthday girl or complete knob of a brother who didnt look after your toddler). I’d go low contact with DM (she’s the drama queen and they may all be pandering to her). Tell them as clearly as possible exactly how you feel. Take all the emotion out of it. Practice what you are going to say in the mirror until you can say it without welling up and it will be more powerful. You won’t be accused of being a drama llama. Tell them how hurtful it is for you and your family. Gauge their reaction and evaluate the excuses. Moving forward, make your own decisions about which events to attend. Go to the ones that matter to you for the sake of your DNs and DCs. Try to keep some channels of communication open with the wider family if you can. These things are painful, people are hurtful but things change. Don’t back yourself into a corner forever because of present hurt.
speak openly to your DH. He sounds lovely. Explain your hurt. Grieve for the family relationships you will never have with them. Then build really meaningful and mindful relationships with everyone who matters to you. Include DA and DF. Just do something every six months with just him and you (maybe around his hobbies or interests) Start new traditions with your immediate family and your closest friends. Mark every milestone with them. Take photos. Make albums, journal - whatever but really do it. Get the kids involved in coming up with funny or cute traditions.
Eventually you will make your peace with it and have a much closer more mindful relationship with the ones that matter. Keep DM on a long long leash. She’s the problem here. Everyone takes their cue from her. I hope you get some apologies and it’s mainly thoughtlessness not malice. But tackle this with DF and DA or it will eat away at you. It needs addressing. And realise you have just bowed out of all obligations to DM. Do nothing with or for her that you don’t want to do. Just don’t. As a mother of three grown up DCs, I would be appalled at the treatment you have received and would have spoken out to the others. She is not on your side. Losing the obligation will be liberating. Grey rock her when you are with her. You owe her nothing. They don’t deserve you.

I noticed that. Nasty shower.

My goodness I thought of this thread today when I saw the news of Ozzy Osbourne’s death.

The family’s statement omitted the names of one of his 5 biological children and his adopted son 😱

I totally agree with you @MrsKeats.
If you choose to judge people purely based on their £££, you miss out on a huge amount imo.

Yes I got that

but then she went low contact with her sister

so was it DH’s decision not to invite or the sister’s?

It was her sisters dh who didn't invite her. Not her own dh.

did you dh not invite you because he didn’t want you there? Or because your sister didn’t want you there? I’m not clear who you went low contact with

You’re welcome.
To me there are different types of success. The idea that whoever has the biggest pile of money or the best car is somehow the ‘winner’ is a trap.
You only have to look at America to see where that idea leads.
Being a good person, doing something that helps someone else, being a good parent, following your passions etc etc are undervalued a lot of the time.
I am the black sheep of the family as well so I feel for you.
We only have limited time on this earth so spend it with people that add to your life rather than take away.

Sorry @WayhomeI don't quite understand your comment and in any case I'm not the OP.

So your dh didn’t invite you of his own accord or did his wife ask him not t

Iam very sad what's happened to you, families eh! I have nc with my father and my sister, my late mother although I loved her, had a preference for my sister, infact both parents did. Stop looking for validation from your parents, difficult I.know xx

There is no such thing as being neutral - it is complicit when a family member is being hurt or abused.

I'm relieved for you, OP, that you are now seeing their behaviour for what it is. Growing up in this sort of dynamic can make it hard to see it as you think it's normal for people to do this, when in fact you are the normal one and the rest are just horrible.
I think if I were in your situation I wouldn't say anything about it to anyone, even your aunt. What you don't share, no-one can gossip about. I'd avoid speaking to any of them until I'd thought of some neutral phrases I could just trot out without having to think too hard.
I would also not make any effort with them. They're not going to change their opinions of you, so why bother? Channel your energies into people & activities that make you feel good, instead.

I don’t understand why you’re trying to make yourself smaller for people who clearly are inferior to you.
You are successful on your own terms and are entitled to your own opinions and ideas.
Do not dim your light at all.
Distance yourself from the horrible relatives. Life is too short for all this nonsense.

Well, that's definitely the voice of experience @knackredd! I'm sorry that happened to you, and to your mum.