Husband got v close to school mum

@LDFem I think you should be spending your energy getting your head around the fact that your “h” doesn’t give a damn about your feelings.
Then what it means for your marriage . He is prioritizing another women before his wife.
once your head is sorted have the conversation with him and tell him this is going to be the end of your marriage and mean it .

Sounds like he has feelings for her and his head is elsewhere op.

I'd go so far as to change schools or do the drop.iff/pick ups myself (or get another parent/childminder to)

At least an emotional affair. As another pp says, don’t be amazed if you break up (how can he possibly redeem the situation?!) and within a matter of weeks, they move in together. Intolerable situation.

I’m really sorry, OP, but I don’t see how you can recover this one given his stonewalling.

Op they are having an affair! My exdh did exactly the same! Kick him out and leave them to it! Watch how quickly it all falls apart! The gaslighting and mind games is horrendous…don’t put up with it anymore.

Oh god yeah, I sometimes take a shine to men who aren’t anything like my husband (I love my husband and he’s that hands on dad who is super involved, gentle etc I just like looking sometimes and thats it).

She may just be a bit lonely if her DH isn’t very present. Doesn’t mean she actually wants your husband, it may just be that he makes himself very available to her and she enjoys the company if she’s alone with the kids all the time. She may genuinely think he’s just a very good friend (I mean being brutally honest very few women wouldn’t have an inkling even if they didn’t say it out loud).

Your husband however has definitely developed a thing for her. Most men aren’t this bloody helpful to women they aren’t super interested in. Dh is extra nice to Dd’s close friends mums and will be a gent while he’s there but basically thats it. he has done playdates when I’m out of the country but it’ll be meeting up somewhere outside.

I’m really sorry, this is really horrible and heartbreaking. But honestly it may also come to nothing. I know that sounds contradictory but often people enjoy the excitement but stop short when they realise what they are doing,

Your friend is just giving you a warning shot across the bow, a heads up. She’s thought about it and given you a version which she thinks is enough for you to act, without telling you straight he’s having an affair. She doesn’t want you to shoot the messenger, but she doesn’t want you to be made to look a fool, so she’s given you a light version of events. She’s a good friend.

At the very minimum, he’s having an emotional affair, and that’s why he doesn’t want to give it up. He’s emotionally connected.

He is definitely aware of your POV, OP - he is just angry at being challenged.

I agree with you! My husband was not completely oblivious to her having a “thing” for him based on his reaction to seeing me appear. I explained that entertaining it was opening the door to her whether he disagreed or not. He stupidly seemed to think that even if she did like him, he didn’t like her so could handle it if she tried. (And what - have all your team think your wife is an idiot? (As are you!) Nope!)

I think the key here is, when spoken with, my husband cut her off. They speak when they have to now and she quit trying to sit with him or be overly friendly. He went out with day drinks solo with three of his female colleagues (all married, engaged or one lesbian) and I don’t mind at all - I don’t dislike him having female friends, just not ones with agendas! 🙃

This is not what's happening...
She has talked to her husband. He gives zero fucks about her feelings and shes sleeping on a sofa after being ignored for days.

Yeah I think theres something going on there, no-one volunteers for this unless you want to just spend time with that other person.

At least an emotional affair. Theres some dads from school I very much like as people but I’m not drawn to them like a magnet, more have a chat at a playdate stuff and Dh happily chats to the mums. If people are noticing then it’s a “thing”.

It may just be a temporary infatuation or something like that but tbh I’d be extremely worried if it was my DH.

This happened to me over 30 years ago, I knew there was something wrong, but couldn't prove it. I was gaslighted by both of them for 4 years, the most awful years of my life! I was told I was paranoid, menopausal, jealous, mentally ill, and that if we split up, he would get custody of our sons as I was not fit to care for them. Eventually they got over confident and I caught them out. I made an immediate appointment with a solicitor, and threw him out. It was such a relief to be able to be honest with my wider family, and I was well supported. Other parents from the school told me afterwards that they knew, and had seen what was going on, but didn't like to tell me. They could have saved me 4 years of torture. If other people are telling you, you need to act. Divorce is easier now, although I did get some satisfaction in naming the other woman as 'correspondent' which is not a thing now.

I had a colleague who did this. He was married but it was obvious that he was getting very close with another colleague who was a divorcee. We all noticed it. When she moved house he went round on his own to put up shelves for her etc. hHe convinced his wife that he was allowed to have a friend. It was clear to everyone else that he was in love with her. I don’t know the outcome as I moved on but I really felt for his wife.

Seems like meet ups and texts are not happening anymore? If so that is reassuring and I would be fine with them chatting at the school gate.

I’m so sorry. If he hasn’t respected you enough until this point to have boundaries, he’s already developed feelings and once you leave they will very quickly become a couple, it’s likely that they’ve already shared a kiss or more. You can’t come back from this. You should have ended it when he first dismissed you.

Her husband is absent a lot of the time so she wants yours.
Line in the sand - speak to both of them separately and tell them what needs to happen.

I would go back to your original male friends he forced you to drop and rekindle those friendships

What?

Ah OP, none of this sounds very positive. Are you able to sneak a look at his phone? Personally if someone I trusted told me to watch my husbands friendship with another woman I’d be reading the riot act.

"How on earth do I get him to see my point of view?" - you can't. He doesn't want to see it. It's too inconvenient for him. He is either having or had an affair. You're getting a version of 'the script'. He will play the victim.

Can I just say, a play date when there is only one child is a play date for the parents, not the child. I think I can imagine what they were “playing”.

He’s currently In the middle of a major gaslighting campaign, and I can’t imagine he’s going to abandon that now. I’d give him an ultimatum. Couples therapy or we’re done.

Regardless of all of the issues with this other woman, one thing stands out to me. He doesn't want to listen to your side, point of view, feelings etc. This is the biggest red flag. He's not your team.

And here comes the Cool Girl.
Yeah That was how I tried to shut down my own suspicions when my DH was having his affairs.
Did your SAHD have women over with their children when his were at school? Thought not.