Husband got v close to school mum

I’m so sorry but this has every hallmark of an affair. He is refusing to engage because he does not want to give up the ego kibbles and validation he is getting from this OW.

He is protecting their relationship not yours.

I’d tell her partner, give her something to deal with while you deal with getting your ducks in a row.

You deserve better!

@onwards2025

do you then go for wood walks after?

Stop minimising the OP’s concerns. We have instincts for a reason.

The possibilities here are

• they are having a full-blown affair but don't (yet?) want to leave their families
• they are having an emotional affair where at least one of them is prioritising the feelings and relationship with the other ahead of the feelings and relationship with their own partner
• at least one of them has feelings for the other, they may not have acted on it yet, and if the other doesn't reciprocate the feelings they are enjoying being desired

All of those are a betrayal and sign of disloyalty to you and your family to some degree. It may be possible to overcome and get the relationship back on track but not if your husband refuses to acknowledge there is an issue.

By allowing it to become a source of curiosity and gossip at school, after you have told him how you feel and tried to put boundaries down is disrespectful. You are not overreacting. I do think it is worth going for a counselling session. And going alone if he won't engage.

Do bear in mind the primary childcare position if it comes to a split.

I'm sorry but this absolutely screams affair. Emotional at the very least. Playdates without your kids and walks in the woods??!! Absolutely NOT normal. They both know what they're doing. I would be going nuclear. Does he work? If they are both SAHP they may be hanging back as they don't want to lose their cosy lives but my goodness they are having their cake and eating it. Raging on your behalf. I don't think you even need to see messages the pure disrespect from him is enough to be kicking him out for. If he wants to save this marriage he needs to cut contact, be extremely apologetic and find a marriage therapist ASAP. I would be making this very clear.

Are you getting all this good side of him as well or is it just reserved for his special friend?
It doesn't matter if she wants him, he is making it clear that this "friendship" is a priority over your marriage.
You don't need any evidence or proof of anything, being unhappy is reason enough to leave.
BTW if you click on the quote button under the message we can see who you're replying to

I always think people should be very careful before issuing ultimatums - but OP, if you’re prepared for him choosing her in a “it’s her or me” conversation , then at least it would bring the situation to a head .

But i appreciate that’s a scary thing to do and you may not feel ready to do this.

I remember your thread last year. And you knew like the rest of us, it wasn't good. But you sound smart, strong, switched on and you have a good, loyal friend in that other mum. Can she tell you anything more, without involving her?

But either way, his behaviour towards you is deplorable, disloyal... He treats you wit contempt and disrespect. No-one should put up with that from their partner. It'd be a hard no from me. I think you know that too... I'm sorry the situation never improved OP.

He's having an affair. Sorry OP.

And yes, I've been there. Was so gaslit it made me extremely unwell for a very long time.

Kick him out.

You've had a lot of very good advice OP.

My twopenneth: in a similar situation I confronted an ex about a particular 'friendship' and he said 'why are you calling her names, you know nothing about her' and I thought 'oh, but I do now because you've just told me EVERYTHING'.

The worst thing you can do with a gaslighter is start doing the job for them.

Phone your solicitor ASAP.

Is there any way you can check his phone? I highly suspect an emotional affair and maybe even they’ve been physical.

I am beginning to think that contacting her husband might not be a bad idea

I don't know, I'd rather look like a crazy wife in front of a woman I don't know than be divorced. She is also married, ask her if is using your husband as a crutch for her own relationship failings (you say her H works 7 days a week).

He's not prioritising you OP. He's not looking at you as an equal, his team mate, his love. Right now, he sees you as getting in the way of him doing what he wants. He's a selfish, disrespectful little man.

Time to prioritise yourself and leave him.

Yes he absolutely does owe it to you but he’s not going to give it to you. Instead of trying to make him empathise with you and reassure you, I think you’d be better off recognising that he simply isn’t willing to for whatever reason. You need to decide if you’re happy living with a man who dismisses you and blames you for your (very normal) reaction to him getting close to another woman. He’s disregarded your feelings and he should be apologising to you and offering comfort.

I think that the other school mum was very brave. People often shoot the messenger. Everyone else will know but will have said nothing.

I agree. Is he trying to force you into ending things so he doesn’t look like the bad guy?

OP, boundaries are not something a person can ignore, because they are limits on the behaviour you will tolerate, and you display and enforce your boundaries by your own actions.

As if his behaviour with this woman isn't bad enough, he is now acting like an abuser - gaslighting you and giving you the silent treatment. Counselling with an abuser is not recommended. Because he already hears you, and he simply does not care. Hence turning it back on you and making you feel crazy.

If you don't want this behaviour in your life, you have to hold firm on your boundary - either this ALL changes right now or you divorce him. And follow through.

That's a boundary.

I would second marriage counselling although it sounds unlikely he'll agree. Maybe an independent 3rd party will help him hear what you're saying and take accountability.

If he refuses to go, I would consider separating. There's no point speaking to her because it won't address your husband's behaviour of gaslighting etc. Be wary also that his behaviour doesn't change just for the summer holidays and then revert to type once schools are back.

A play date with only one kid is just a date isn't it? Sorry to say this OP but I think this is already an affair, and if other people are noticing then they aren't even trying to hide it. He doesn't seem to care how you feel about it which says it all. I think you need to start gathering evidence and getting your ducks in a row.

For me the original flag is that he stopped you having male friends....them part two of that flag is he is allowed female friends.

He's having an emotional affair and YANBU. I would do two things. Tell him his marriage is in jeopardy and ask him would he really want to get divorced over this friendship?

I would also speak to her. You were friends once. Be frank. Say that you are hurt and annoyed that their behaviour has sparked gossip and rumour, and ask her if she really wants to be the cause of a marriage breakdown.

I don't think that's what's happening in op's case, but some people do just love to cause drama. I was once spotted being 'over friendly' with a school dad - it was my brother 🤣