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AIBU?

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Husband got v close to school mum

291 replies

LDFem · 19/07/2025 19:51

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

OP posts:
Praying4Peace · 21/07/2025 16:13

I smell a rat

Cardinalita90 · 21/07/2025 16:11

Whatsapp backup is a thing! He'd be able to restore some of them if he wanted....

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 21/07/2025 16:11

You can recover recently deleted messages. Quite easy to do if you YouTube it

Fourfurrymonsters · 21/07/2025 16:11

He’s cheating on you in plain sight OP. He maybe hasn’t actually stuck his dick in her yet, but he’s cheating. I know this scenario all too well.

GingerBeverage · 21/07/2025 16:10

Course he has.
Too many “miss u xxx” I expect.

goody2shooz · 21/07/2025 16:07

@LDFem i wouldn’t waste any more time with him. Just be pleasant but indifferent to him, but get an appointment with a lawyer asap, if only to know exactly where you stand. Knowledge empowers you, and will guide what you do next. You may need to play clever for a while….

LDFem · 21/07/2025 16:02

Alwaysinamood · 20/07/2025 10:58

Is there any way you can check his phone? I highly suspect an emotional affair and maybe even they’ve been physical.

He’s just told me he deleted all the messages……

OP posts:
MascaraGirl · 21/07/2025 16:00

LDFem · 21/07/2025 15:57

Thank you. Interestingly I asked my husband what he would say if I asked to see his message exchanges with this woman and he said I wouldn’t be able to see them because he’s deleted them all…the nail in the coffin I think.

Sadly that tells you everything you need to know. Have you decided what to do next?

LDFem · 21/07/2025 15:57

MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 15:16

She doesn’t you owe you anything.

You need to stop enabling this parasite of a partner who has zero respect or love for you.

Don’t embarrass yourself by talking to her. Just end things with your husband and cut him off financially too! Today!

Thank you. Interestingly I asked my husband what he would say if I asked to see his message exchanges with this woman and he said I wouldn’t be able to see them because he’s deleted them all…the nail in the coffin I think.

OP posts:
MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 15:16

LDFem · 21/07/2025 06:53

Thank you, the friendship was well and truly over - over a year ago. I am contemplating giving her a heads up these comments have been made though. That’s just by two people kind and brave enough to tell me too. But yes it doesn’t solve the bigger issue of stonewalling and gaslighting that is unbearable…

She doesn’t you owe you anything.

You need to stop enabling this parasite of a partner who has zero respect or love for you.

Don’t embarrass yourself by talking to her. Just end things with your husband and cut him off financially too! Today!

knackredd · 21/07/2025 10:09

Yes you need to get legal advice on who is the current sole carer and current finances etc so that you can redress this balance which may take sometime. But he needs to get himself back to work. Maybe evening or weekend work would get him out of your hair for a bit. He's totoally taking the piss out of you. Do this by stealth. Get expert quality legal advice to ensure that you dont get stung further - can you imagine if they got together and you are inadvertently funding their lifestyle.

LDFem · 21/07/2025 10:08

TwoUnderTwitTwoo · 21/07/2025 10:01

Good luck @LDFem, I think you’ve got some great advice and perspective from this thread. Your husband is a useless layabout who treats you with contempt. You should be so proud of managing to work full time and do so much at home for your family, and I’m sorry that you have been taken advantage of by the one person who should have cherished you the most.

Thank you so much for this lovely message, and thank you to everyone for your kindness, support and great advice. I’m so glad I shared and feel much more empowered as a result.

OP posts:
TwoUnderTwitTwoo · 21/07/2025 10:01

Good luck @LDFem, I think you’ve got some great advice and perspective from this thread. Your husband is a useless layabout who treats you with contempt. You should be so proud of managing to work full time and do so much at home for your family, and I’m sorry that you have been taken advantage of by the one person who should have cherished you the most.

LDFem · 21/07/2025 07:32

AnonAnonmystery · 21/07/2025 07:29

@LDFem i have a very good family solictor. She’s expensive but very good. Pls feel free to dm me if you want her details. Also, with any solicitor the first consultation ( lasting from half an hour to an hour, is free). You can shop around. As a pp put it, he is a layabout arsehole! Get good advice, you don’t have to do anything drastic now but have a plan as he’s checked out a long time ago.

Thank you, that’s great to know and very kind of you.

OP posts:
AnonAnonmystery · 21/07/2025 07:29

@LDFem i have a very good family solictor. She’s expensive but very good. Pls feel free to dm me if you want her details. Also, with any solicitor the first consultation ( lasting from half an hour to an hour, is free). You can shop around. As a pp put it, he is a layabout arsehole! Get good advice, you don’t have to do anything drastic now but have a plan as he’s checked out a long time ago.

LDFem · 21/07/2025 07:22

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 07:10

Jesus make food for yourself and the kids and fuck him
Ditto with the washing.

The more you post the more i hate him.

Get a specialist divorce lawyer as this layabout arsehole will likely take you to the cleaners in a divorce. You'll likely have to give him more than 50% assets.

Start up the conversation re: he needs to get back into FT work and keep it going.

get the kids in aftershock clubs so he cant pretend to be the primary parent
Make sure you are primary contact for school gp dentist etc

Unpopular opinion:
I'd also reduce pension to minimum contributions while telling him id increased them because his financial situation is so dire so I'd be start assets..

I am a very fair person and my view would be my husband had broken our marriage contract (in more assets than one) so all bets are off. Also you giving him 70% of communal assets is not fair or right so id be working hard to redress that by any means possible.

Edited

Thank you, I am completely out of my depth when it comes to how divorce works, so will certainly explore further. As someone whose parents divorced I am struggling to put my 7 year old through all of that though. If I didn’t have my son I would have certainly called it quits last year but once children are involved (and given he has little income I would have to pay for him to live somewhere else or vice versa) so it’s all quite tricky but I will consult a lawyer.

OP posts:
Selfsetfree · 21/07/2025 07:22

Op if your best friend told you all that you have said here was happening in her life what would you say to her? She works hard, dh has pretty much given up work, doesn’t do much at home she still does it and spends a lot of time hanging out with another woman. Maybe consider therapy to work out what to do. It helped me when my dh had an emotional affair. Also gaslighting behaviours and I felt like I was going crazy. Good luck.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/07/2025 07:13

LDFem · 21/07/2025 06:53

Thank you, the friendship was well and truly over - over a year ago. I am contemplating giving her a heads up these comments have been made though. That’s just by two people kind and brave enough to tell me too. But yes it doesn’t solve the bigger issue of stonewalling and gaslighting that is unbearable…

She doesn't sound like the sort of person that would back off even if you told her that other people had commented on her close friendship with your DH.

Your DH's inappropriately close friendship with this woman is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of his poor treatment of you. You are the breadwinner and yet you do all the household chores and cooking while he does a couple of hours work a week and spends the rest of his time pursuing this woman.

He is disloyal, lazy and cruel. Please speak to a solicitor and make plans to leave.

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 07:10

Jesus make food for yourself and the kids and fuck him
Ditto with the washing.

The more you post the more i hate him.

Get a specialist divorce lawyer as this layabout arsehole will likely take you to the cleaners in a divorce. You'll likely have to give him more than 50% assets.

Start up the conversation re: he needs to get back into FT work and keep it going.

get the kids in aftershock clubs so he cant pretend to be the primary parent
Make sure you are primary contact for school gp dentist etc

Unpopular opinion:
I'd also reduce pension to minimum contributions while telling him id increased them because his financial situation is so dire so I'd be start assets..

I am a very fair person and my view would be my husband had broken our marriage contract (in more assets than one) so all bets are off. Also you giving him 70% of communal assets is not fair or right so id be working hard to redress that by any means possible.

LDFem · 21/07/2025 06:53

Maray1967 · 20/07/2025 21:44

It is most definitely not a ‘play date’ if there is only one child involved …

I used to speak a lot to a dad of one of my DS’s friends because he usually did the morning drop offs but there were usually other parents around as well and no one would have thought it suspicious. We were basically just making polite conversation. There is something very wrong here, I think.

Personally I would speak to her and ask why her behaviour with my DH has led to comments from other parents. Your friendship will be over, but it’s surely over now anyway?

That doesn’t solve the problem with your DH’s attitude though.

Thank you, the friendship was well and truly over - over a year ago. I am contemplating giving her a heads up these comments have been made though. That’s just by two people kind and brave enough to tell me too. But yes it doesn’t solve the bigger issue of stonewalling and gaslighting that is unbearable…

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 22:51

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 22:47

I've been on here a very long time. It's all relative and on a cycle.

Maybe you've been here longer than me!

Almost every thread I've seen about dhs getting overly close to other women has someone pipe up thinking they are being startlingly cool by saying whyever should he not.

I find it so boring and tone deaf - especially when some poor woman is upset about something plainly inappropriate. None of us are stupid: we can tell what's platonic from what's not.

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 22:47

Calliopespa · 20/07/2025 21:21

You've not been around on MN long then! There is always a sprinkling who want to pretend its everyone else who has an issue in keeping a respectful distance from other women's partners.

I've been on here a very long time. It's all relative and on a cycle.

2025ismybestyear · 20/07/2025 22:46

MyCyanReader · 20/07/2025 21:14

Why?

Clearly if Mr OP was hanging out with a school dad @LDFem wouldn't have the same issue.

Unicorn34 · 20/07/2025 22:27

Someone i know (female) had a similar situation with her husband and another woman who did a hobby club thing - they would end up pairing up and were "just friends". My friend knew which road this lady and her family lived in, told her husband she was going to speak to this lady's husband to see what he thought.... all hell let loose. She knocked on doors until she found the right house and spoke directly to the husband who had no idea about this.
My friend has now decided to leave as the trust is over. She gave him enough chances to stop the friendship as it was hurting her. I don't know what has happened to the other woman's marriage.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 20/07/2025 22:24

He’s not resssuring you because he doesn’t want to - he’s more interested in continuing to see her.

I’d bet he’s too cowardly to tell you the truth so is passively waiting for you to do something.

One thing that people who have affairs do is to try to find excuses for their behaviour so they feel less shit about themselves. The classic thing is to deflect. So, if you’re supposedly jealous, not talking to him and stopping him having friends (you’re aren’t, of course, but this is what he’ll be reassuring himself) then it makes it that little bit easier for him to run to her and complain and have her naturally sympathetic ear.

You may think you're going mad, but the fact that a neutral party is observing them and is concerned enough to tell you so proves that you absolutely aren’t imagining things.

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