Husband got v close to school mum

Yep, been there …. And yes they were having an affair. It’s unlikely your gut (and the other school Mum) is lying to you. You will be so much happier in the future when you don’t have to deal with this any more but for now I really feel for you as you need to find a strength that you shouldn’t have to. Go forward with your head held high, you will be fine.

If he was arguing that it was your turn to do the cooking and cleaning , then wasn’t it his turn to get a full time job? Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his washing. Stop doing any shopping. Stop doing any housework . Won’t take him long to capitulate. Do nothing until he wants to talk about how the chores are divided. Ask him to draw up a plan of how he is going to find a career . Talk to those kind school friends and see if they will help you out doing school pick up. Sleep in your own bed. Don’t talk to him. You need a good sleep. He’s being a shit.

I had something similar weekly lifts to an evening class then pub, dh was not always honest about the lift arrangements saying that there was another one, when in fact was just the two of them . Nothing was going on although she was out a lot more while husband stayed at home, however I felt uncomfortable and felt dh did not consider my feelings on this, she was younger he admitted to me he found her attractive, the first time I met her she was dressed up in a corset!
for fancy dress party.

I had a word with another mum friend who was good friends with her making it clear I was uncomfortable about the situation and wanted to lifts to stop. Is this something you could do? speaking to her directly could make things worse but via third party to get the message across might help.

As another women she should know better.

I think you've got to trust your gut. It maybe one of them is entirely innocent but less likely that they both are. Even if it's just flirty ego boosting it's still isn't good as it's only a short step to cross that line.

Difficult to suggest a way forward but good luck.

Think OP knows this.

I wouldn’t make any more attempts to discuss it with him, he clearly doesn’t respect you. Don’t tell him anything, just start preparing for divorce. Getting your son in wrap around childcare is a very good idea. Don’t give him the chance to claim that his sacrificed his earning potential to be a full time parent in order to support your career.

The "playdate" was for him and her... not the toddler🤦🏽‍♀️

Woah, you have SO many problems with this man. Remind me why you're still with him???

Op knows the woman all 3 were friends

This other woman won't want him, y'know. Charisma and chivalry don't pay the rent... Practically, he is not a catch and it sounds like she couldn't support them. They are running on the fumes of fantasy.

Fourteen years is a long time, OP. I would spell it out to him. He needs to get honest and talking to see how broken the relationship is and whether it can be fixed. Otherwise, I would assume the worst and call time on the sunken costs of the relationship

My kids are grown up now and I saw this a LOT of times among friends and acquaintances at exactly that time of life - young kids, school runs etc.

In my experience there was never any smoke without fire. If he's so cold towards you about the whole thing and not panicking about you suspecting something, then sadly I think you should get an exit plan together quickly that puts you and the kids first. He has clearly already emotionally checked out and is just waiting for something to happen that takes the decision out of his hands and makes it easy for him. It'll either be her putting pressure on him to leave, or her partner finding out (if she has one) and pulling the plug on it all. Either way, you need to make sure you know where you stand in terms of your future security.

I've trained as a couples counsellor and counselling doesn't work if there's a third person in the relationship, so sad to say it's probably too late for that.

My advice would be to take control of the situation yourself. As NoSoupForU says, get your ducks in a row. Don't wait for it to happen outside your control, for your and your children's sakes.

If you can OP, cut back to the very basics at home. Do yours and the kids washing, don't buy nice food/treats or hide them if you do, and make sure he hasn't got access to your salary while he's sponging off you. If you're paying into a joint account, only put enough it to cover the mortgage/rent and essentials. Cancel his phone contract if you're paying for it, cut the wifi/tv package off and don't make life comfortable for him in any way shape or form.

And everything else in the house it seems!

He’s deleted them within the past week, they’ll be there. I’d bet on it.

Im sorry OP. What a horrible man who is leeching off you.

A solicitor will advise (and you must see one now) but be careful. In a divorce he could get more access to the kids as he’s hardly working. Then you’d be paying him child support as well. Though he might be told he has to work more and you share 50/50. Which is still horrible.

Either way it’s fcking awful and it’s all this losers fault. I’m sorry xx

Self respect is the point. Fuck having this pathetic sorry excuse of a man sponging off her, doing absolutely f all at home and poncing around the school gates trying to shag other school mums!!!! He needs to leave right now .

This tells you everything you need to know.

Cut him off!!!

I cant see the point in chucking him out immediately. She's better to get her legal plan in place without giving him a heads-up.

I would tell him to leave tonight. He is barely working and using his time to see her.

Get him out.

Why does anyone need proof - its not a crime and will not impact any divorce settlement? Best getting some sleep to be able to focus strategically on next steps for her and her DC.

You might well be right there. If so, the pair of them deserve each other.

OP, he is a total disgrace. I can’t see how he brings anything positive to your life.

Can you get hold of his phone while he's sleeping, recover messages, make copies, put back before he wakes. You would have proof.