Page 2 | Husband got v close to school mum

LDFem · 2025-07-19T18:51:59+00:00

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

GetofIphone54 · 21/07/2025 22:40

MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 22:27

I would rather eat my eyeballs than go through a third party to tell a woman my husband fancies that she’s making me uncomfortable!! HE is the problem.

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Maybe but some women do welcome the attention.

knackredd · 21/07/2025 22:38

LDFem · 20/07/2025 06:47

So after not a single word since Friday afternoon, last night I asked DH to sleep on the sofa and let me have the bed given he hasn’t once tried to speak to me or repair and he flat out refused. I therefore slept on the sofa as though I am the one who has ignored his boundaries and compromised his reputation. If I say anything there is always a response to blame me (asked why he hadn’t tried to talk to me all day and he said ‘why didn’t you try talking to me?’)…It is a never ending cycle and I am absolutely exhausted. How on earth do I get him to see my point of view?

If I say anything there is always a response to blame me (asked why he hadn’t tried to talk to me all day and he said ‘why didn’t you try talking to me?’)…It is a never ending cycle and I am absolutely exhausted. How on earth do I get him to see my point of view?

This is a well documented abuse tactic in domestic abuse - its called DARVO - which stands for Defend Attack Reverse Victim and Offender.

You are wasting your breath and exhausting yourself here. Step away. Keep your cards close to your chest and see a lawyer.

MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 22:30

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 21:44

This is 💯 what I was getting at earlier (appreciate there are a lot of messages so probably missed)
Dont kick him out and dont raise it again. Play smart.

Get them in afterschool and breakfast club try and get more flex in your job if possible and do more pickups / dropoffs

Also make sure you are primary contact for school, dentist, GP etc etc.
Make it so he cant argue he is the primary carer and "gave up his career" for the kids

And start saying to him...well the kids are sorted what are you doing with yourself jobwise...

Edited

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To be honest OP, this is probably the more sensible advice. I am just furious on your behalf and disgusted that I probably am not advising you well. Getting your ducks in a row so you can finally get your revenge is probably the best way. Be ruthless. Leave him with nothing 🙏🏽

MumWifeOther · 21/07/2025 22:27

GetofIphone54 · 21/07/2025 18:54

I had something similar weekly lifts to an evening class then pub, dh was not always honest about the lift arrangements saying that there was another one, when in fact was just the two of them . Nothing was going on although she was out a lot more while husband stayed at home, however I felt uncomfortable and felt dh did not consider my feelings on this, she was younger he admitted to me he found her attractive, the first time I met her she was dressed up in a corset!
for fancy dress party.

I had a word with another mum friend who was good friends with her making it clear I was uncomfortable about the situation and wanted to lifts to stop. Is this something you could do? speaking to her directly could make things worse but via third party to get the message across might help.

As another women she should know better.

Edited

I would rather eat my eyeballs than go through a third party to tell a woman my husband fancies that she’s making me uncomfortable!! HE is the problem.

thelakeisle · 21/07/2025 22:26

LDFem · 21/07/2025 15:57

Thank you. Interestingly I asked my husband what he would say if I asked to see his message exchanges with this woman and he said I wouldn’t be able to see them because he’s deleted them all…the nail in the coffin I think.

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Surely you weren't even vaguely considering the notion of staying with him prior to this? He's been having sex with another woman and made you an object of ridicule and scorn. If that's not the nail in the coffin, I can't think what is.

SeriousFaffing · 21/07/2025 22:15

LDFem · 20/07/2025 06:47

So after not a single word since Friday afternoon, last night I asked DH to sleep on the sofa and let me have the bed given he hasn’t once tried to speak to me or repair and he flat out refused. I therefore slept on the sofa as though I am the one who has ignored his boundaries and compromised his reputation. If I say anything there is always a response to blame me (asked why he hadn’t tried to talk to me all day and he said ‘why didn’t you try talking to me?’)…It is a never ending cycle and I am absolutely exhausted. How on earth do I get him to see my point of view?

@LDFem you put his stuff in bin bags on the lawn.

What a tosser. I’m so sorry x

Thefsm · 21/07/2025 22:13

At the very least it’s an emotional affair. If you are strong enough to end it you should kick him out and if he goes to his parents or somewhere then he might be worth taking back but if he goes to be with her you know you were right.

I thought my husband was too friendly with a colleague. I only saw a fraction of what you saw. They had been cheating for 6 months when I finally found out and my god did he become an expert liar I honestly believed him right up until I found proof.

good luck. I really hope you are stronger than me and can figure what is best for you.

MadinMarch · 21/07/2025 22:09

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 21:44

This is 💯 what I was getting at earlier (appreciate there are a lot of messages so probably missed)
Dont kick him out and dont raise it again. Play smart.

Get them in afterschool and breakfast club try and get more flex in your job if possible and do more pickups / dropoffs

Also make sure you are primary contact for school, dentist, GP etc etc.
Make it so he cant argue he is the primary carer and "gave up his career" for the kids

And start saying to him...well the kids are sorted what are you doing with yourself jobwise...

Edited

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This!

99bottlesofkombucha · 21/07/2025 22:08

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 21:44

This is 💯 what I was getting at earlier (appreciate there are a lot of messages so probably missed)
Dont kick him out and dont raise it again. Play smart.

Get them in afterschool and breakfast club try and get more flex in your job if possible and do more pickups / dropoffs

Also make sure you are primary contact for school, dentist, GP etc etc.
Make it so he cant argue he is the primary carer and "gave up his career" for the kids

And start saying to him...well the kids are sorted what are you doing with yourself jobwise...

Edited

Show quote history

Do this, also stop sending him the money you do- tell him he has to up his hours and the extra time is to support him job hunting (I’d say save it for lawyers but you’ll prob need it to pay for childcare) Stop doing so much for him, stay calm, detach.

Milosc · 21/07/2025 21:56

He knows it upsets you but continues the behavior and is stonewalling you. That is all you need to know. He is throwing away what you have, let him. Quietly get your ducks in a row. Tell him he needs to find a job now because you aren't funding his at home life anymore and your family needs the money Make him get employed and the kids in care. Once that all happens proceed with divorce. He doesn't deserve anymore from you. Let him have his school mum. Chances are she won't want him anyway and he will have nothing. Good riddance to the both of them. Your kids will be much happier with a mum who takes care of herself.

AnotherDayInParadise43 · 21/07/2025 21:55

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 21:44

This is 💯 what I was getting at earlier (appreciate there are a lot of messages so probably missed)
Dont kick him out and dont raise it again. Play smart.

Get them in afterschool and breakfast club try and get more flex in your job if possible and do more pickups / dropoffs

Also make sure you are primary contact for school, dentist, GP etc etc.
Make it so he cant argue he is the primary carer and "gave up his career" for the kids

And start saying to him...well the kids are sorted what are you doing with yourself jobwise...

Edited

Show quote history

He's probably going to argue and fight that, so that he can continue treating OP as he does now. OP to do it you will need to be tough and firm. For example, take DC to childcare yourself, every day, whether he likes it or not. He might refuse to take DC there, he might try to pick DC up and take them back out.. and so on. Refuse all psychological pressure to do things for him and let him get away with things.. It depends how determined he is to live off you, but you may need to fight on multiple issues.

I still say get the phone proof if you can. Can you subtly watch him type his code to unlock it while next to you on the sofa etc. It might help you feel you are not going crazy, to see messages between them in black & white, & even if you don't tell him you have the proof yet, it could become useful later to show that you know he's a liar. He might lie to DC when they are older, say you made everything up.. I'd want the hard evidence for lots of reasons.

Lafufufu · 21/07/2025 21:44

LDFem · 21/07/2025 18:56

Hadn’t appreciated this is something he could argue. What a nightmare!

Show quote history

This is 💯 what I was getting at earlier (appreciate there are a lot of messages so probably missed)
Dont kick him out and dont raise it again. Play smart.

Get them in afterschool and breakfast club try and get more flex in your job if possible and do more pickups / dropoffs

Also make sure you are primary contact for school, dentist, GP etc etc.
Make it so he cant argue he is the primary carer and "gave up his career" for the kids

And start saying to him...well the kids are sorted what are you doing with yourself jobwise...

Nikki75 · 21/07/2025 21:33

You are not an idiot at all .. look at all you have put into your marriage you are carrying him while he cracks on the way he is.
I think you have just reached that point we all do where enough is enough .
Walk away get the best legal advice be two steps ahead of him .. you can do this you are worth so much more than his disrespect.
Show him the door .. xx

CommonAsMucklowe · 21/07/2025 21:27

Good luck OP, please get your ducks in a row and get yourself out of this situation. He is the idiot and you will be much better off (mentally and financially) without him.

Calliopespa · 21/07/2025 21:10

LDFem · 21/07/2025 18:56

Hadn’t appreciated this is something he could argue. What a nightmare!

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Yes op its important you see a lawyer before making your move.

Don't listen to the hotheads saying kick him out: that's not strategic. It might feel cathartic for one evening but could come back to bite you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/07/2025 19:33

You are not an idiot. You are a decent human being who trusted your husband, as you should be able to. He has betrayed you. Whether or not he actually did anything with this other woman or not almost doesn’t matter, he’s sat back and done fuck all while you’ve slaved away keeping the show on the road, and that in itself is a massive betrayal. You are supposed to be a team.

TequilaNights · 21/07/2025 19:28

The messages probably never stopped, they move to a private platform.

He has to keep up the lie because she is with someone too, but honestly, id give him the heads up about what you was told too..

The way I see it, he refused to cut contact previously and is being sneaky now, he already chose her.

Sorry you are going through this, but it also sounds like you won't be losing much if you left him.

MarySueSaidBoo · 21/07/2025 19:25

You're not the idiot OP, he is for throwing away a marriage and a family for sniffing round other women's skirts. None of this is on you

Original poster

LDFem · 21/07/2025 19:13

MarySueSaidBoo · 21/07/2025 18:08

If you can OP, cut back to the very basics at home. Do yours and the kids washing, don't buy nice food/treats or hide them if you do, and make sure he hasn't got access to your salary while he's sponging off you. If you're paying into a joint account, only put enough it to cover the mortgage/rent and essentials. Cancel his phone contract if you're paying for it, cut the wifi/tv package off and don't make life comfortable for him in any way shape or form.

We don’t have a joint account and I pay all but 2 car related bills through my account. For the bills in his account I send him the money to cover them. I’m not sure if that’s a blessing or a curse, he earns minimum wage for the hours he works and keeps the funds to spend on beer typically. I have racked up thousands in debt on both of our behalf but all in my name so am paying that off. The more I write the more I realise I have been so busy and thought we loved each other that I didn’t see all of this laid out. What an idiot.

OP posts:

FartNRoses · 21/07/2025 19:08

So, in a nutshell:

He doesn’t really work
Is not providing apart from pick ups and drop offs
Doesn’t cook
Doesn’t do any housework
Gaslighting the hell out of you
Probably having an emotional affair with another mum (deleted messages speak for themselves)
Has zero respect for you
Is s bit of a prick

Wow, he’s really special, OP.

Original poster

LDFem · 21/07/2025 19:03

Charlie554 · 21/07/2025 18:55

If he was arguing that it was your turn to do the cooking and cleaning , then wasn’t it his turn to get a full time job? Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his washing. Stop doing any shopping. Stop doing any housework . Won’t take him long to capitulate. Do nothing until he wants to talk about how the chores are divided. Ask him to draw up a plan of how he is going to find a career . Talk to those kind school friends and see if they will help you out doing school pick up. Sleep in your own bed. Don’t talk to him. You need a good sleep. He’s being a shit.

Luckily it being the school holidays now I have less to deal with on the school front but I am learning to drive so I don’t have to rely on him for the one thing he provided which was drop offs and pick ups.

OP posts:

tommyhoundmum · 21/07/2025 19:02

BookishBabe · 19/07/2025 20:00

I had this 4 weeks ago.
There was other problems with my DHs mental health and how he was treating us.
We had an argument, he went to the school Mums house to "be consoled" and they've been a couple ever since 🤨
And there was a lot of "you don't understand, we're just friends" up until that point.

I am sorry this happened to you but you might be well rid of him.

All good wishes to you.

Original poster

LDFem · 21/07/2025 19:01

GetofIphone54 · 21/07/2025 18:54

I had something similar weekly lifts to an evening class then pub, dh was not always honest about the lift arrangements saying that there was another one, when in fact was just the two of them . Nothing was going on although she was out a lot more while husband stayed at home, however I felt uncomfortable and felt dh did not consider my feelings on this, she was younger he admitted to me he found her attractive, the first time I met her she was dressed up in a corset!
for fancy dress party.

I had a word with another mum friend who was good friends with her making it clear I was uncomfortable about the situation and wanted to lifts to stop. Is this something you could do? speaking to her directly could make things worse but via third party to get the message across might help.

As another women she should know better.

Edited

I am struggling with what is achieved by speaking to her or another mum she is friends with given what I really want to know is if the messages have stopped, and if so, since when. It all feels futile at this point when I can’t see how we can repair this now anyway, it will only potentially fuel the fire but the fact she is either none the wiser to all of this / it did subside last year, or she is an active participant is a challenging conundrum to navigate. I go round and round in circles but it doesn’t change the way he has (not) dealt with the issue and has now said he has deleted all the messages as a throwaway remark as if that is normal when he says he still has messages from 2023. It’s all so bizarre!

OP posts:

BluntLion · 21/07/2025 18:59

Major red flags OP.

Spinachpastapicker · 21/07/2025 18:57

Agix · 20/07/2025 06:58

He already sees your point of view. You don't need to do anything else to get him to see it. He's deflecting from it because he doesn't want to have to stop what he chooses to do. Your discomfort isn't important to him.

This. He knows what he is doing is upsetting you, but he doesn’t care enough to stop it. His head is turned and she is now the priority. Sorry.