Husband got v close to school mum

I had this exact problem 4 years ago and after spending a year fighting for our marriage alone he finally admitted he had feelings for school mum/ my ex friend so I kicked him out because along with gaslighting, making me do everything for our children, silent treatment and being checked out of the relationship, he was giving all his emotional energy to her so was having an emotional affair. I honestly thought I was going crazy until he admitted it
After a year of messing me around and keeping me hanging he started a physical relationship with her that crashed and burned pretty epically soon after 😂.
My advice would be leave, he's not invested in your relationship anymore and you are worth so much more than being treat like a nuisance or the problem because you are not, he is

I think I’d set clear boundaries, and be very clear about them. I messaging and no meet ups or play dates. Tell him if you find out he’s done any of these you’ll consider it cheating. id then drop it for a while, but I’d keep a very close eye on him. I know it’s very non mn, but have you got access to his phone?

Whilst things happening I’d also get my ducks in a row, chances are he won’t stick to those boundaries

He already sees your point of view. You don't need to do anything else to get him to see it. He's deflecting from it because he doesn't want to have to stop what he chooses to do. Your discomfort isn't important to him.

Mine was exactly the same. He was ‘supporting’ her when her marriage broke up and she said he was her best friend.

Was such relief when I caught them kissing as it was driving me crazy. He just doubled down and got more sneaky whenever he was confronted.

If he’s having a play date (😒) with her when he has no children in the house that’s enough evidence. What man ever has a small child over for their own fun when their house is child free?

He won’t admit anything BUT you don’t need to have the evidence. It’s already enough that he’s prioritising this relationship over your peace of mind. It’s disrespectful.

Mine did this twice. Once at work and once with a neighbour: We’re separated now. Not what he wanted. He would rather have had the fun and the marriage but that was up to me to decide.

His desire to continue his relationship with her is clouding his judgement, priorities and loyalty. He needs to be shocked in to swift realisation that this isn’t acceptable.

What is your relationship with his parents like? Does he have a sister you can confide in who could help.

Why is he doing this to you and your kids!?

I worked at the same office as my husband for a short time and walking onto his office floor one day to go for lunch to hear the tone of his deep voice and a loud female laughing her head clean OFF at whatever he’d just said . As I appeared round the corner out of the entranceway, I didn’t even make it close enough to his desks (huge huge office floor)to have seen who it was and he’d shot across the office to meet me before I got there. It as obvious even he’d realised she was flirting with him by his reaction to seeing me and I immediately said - wtf was that. Absolutely not. Everyone knew I worked in the legal team at the company so she knew he was married. He said “she’s with someone and has been for years, she has kids” etc. I told him nope, do NOT lie to me and say even the way she was laughing at you there wasn’t a desperate attempt for attention - I don’t care if she’s with someone - we both know that doesn’t matter to some people. Does she try to sit next to you to save you a desk next to her? He said yes. I said 100% done. Do not sit next to her at work. (It’s a huge office/team and they all hot desk) Do not go for coffees or lunch or pop downstairs with just her for the “freebies” we get at work, do not go for lunchtime walks with her. You’re not talking about or listening to her problems or how you’re doing. There’s are 20 men of various ages or secure married women you could do all of the above with and she can speak to the many women her age in your team - I am not having an insecure woman mooning over my husband (he’s handsome, intelligent and has a lovely positive personality - it’s why I married him!) and him subtly entertaining it, then coming shocked to me WHEN (not if) she throws herself at him on a staff night or the Christmas party. Nope. I am similarly someone who because I’m quite bubbly and positive I ALWAYS get someone mooning at me because I’m nice (no one on ones purposefully by me!) and they always pounce at the Christmas do and I have to leave so I know the signs myself….!

I was shortly leaving the company and working hundreds of miles away and had to make my feelings clear! I think it helped that I’d worked there for 4.5 years, was well liked and everyone knew when he started he was my husband e.g. they’d see him a mile off if he over stepped and tell me about it as I had good friends working there across a lot of teams, including the senior team! You’re in a similar situation if other mums will also tell you.

Regardless of my leaving or knowing people, he immediately agreed with what I said. Agreed she did probably have a little crush on him and after that he avoided her entirely.

People can have friends of the opposite sex, but we all know when there’s a hint of something more. I’m afraid if he seems to be entertaining it - ultimatum is the only way. He has no reason to even speak to this woman due to work or your children. Zero tolerance.

Get in contact with her husband & tell him whats going on ,go to her house & speak to her she's crossing your boundaries put a stop to it ... I'd leave to be honest but I wouldn't have let it get this far , walks in the wood with my husband?? Not unless you want to be buried there .

Sounds more like a gossip to me

Have you spoken to her husband about your concerns, and thoughts of other people

Ducks in a row and all that. What about her husband?

i would be getting evidence, screenshots. Pics. Following them. Get finances sorted. Evidence his income. Ducks in a row. Then get him out. He is completely disrespecting you and is not caring how you feel. They are totally at it. She doesn’t give a fk either. Then fact other people are telling you this, don’t be a doormat. Get him out. I’m sorry op to be blunt but he is abusing u

Relationship counselling might be needed if he cannot see the problem here. No, not ok, he might (though unlikely) feel things are purely platonic but she may not feel the same. Don't let him gaslight you. Say it's not ok, not appropriate and cut it out.

It’s not the case here though it is? OP already had her worries about them.

I'm sorry OP, your husband is taking the piss 😡 trust your gut instinct, you know there is more to this than friendship. The same thing happened to my friend after she had a baby - husband started doing school runs and had an affair with one of the school mums. Lots of people knew and didn't tell my friend 😔 be thankful that one of the other mums approached you - she probably wouldn't have unless she was pretty sure there was something going on.

People are clearly noticing and talking about it, which is very concerning but also shows utter disrespect for you and your marriage. I would not put up with it at all. And definitely as a pp said, ask to see his phone!

If you won’t trust your gut, trust the gut of your friend. I personally would be trying to gather as much information as possible at this stage and making a plan to leave.

This resonates with me. I was the wife and the marriage ended. I was a lot more naïve than you. Friends warned me but I brushed it off. Listen to your instincts.

Op has seen it too

Isn't that the same for everyone at school drop offs / pick up - make a bee line for yourown friends and the ones you can actually tolerate whilst walking into school etc. That in itself is very normal, can you say you don't/wouldnt do the same?

I would not be happy with this, would he be happy if you were acting this way with a school dad? For someone to notice it and go out of their way to tell you, that’s a huge red flag there. Sorry you’re going through this.