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Original poster

Husband got v close to school mum

291 replies

LDFem · 19/07/2025 19:51

So my husband and I struck up a friendship with a mum at the school (kids in same class) whose partner is rarely around (works 7 days a week). At first it was all 3 of us as friends along with other parents. Quickly it turned into the 2 of them messaging each other, going for coffee, going to the woods and even my husband invited her over for a play date with her youngest while our kids were at school. I said it had started to make me feel uncomfortable. That was April 2024. He dismissed my feelings and ignored my boundaries pretending that I had said I just wanted to know when they were speaking in June 2024 while I was on a work trip, knowing I had said any regular contact beyond exchanges with other parents made me uncomfortable. Fast forward to now and another parent has flagged that she feels they are very close (I hadn’t spoken to anyone except him about it) - he does the majority of the school runs - and she was warning me to watch out. I told him about this conversation and that I felt like all this time later, for another parent to notice suggests there is something to notice. He has once again gaslit me, said there is nothing going on, etc and in a way said he “had a friend” but now “everyone is monitoring him”. There is absolutely no seeing my perspective (even though I had male friends when we met and he hated it so I stopped those friendships, and I am not insecure generally - it’s this one individual who the alarm bells ring for). We haven’t spoken in days and I am read at to call it quits after 14 years. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Any advice on how to separate or did you somehow stay with someone who ignores your boundaries and acts like you’re crazy? Thanks

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 20/07/2025 08:22

I think you need to be prepared that this is ab Affair ,Sneaking off to the woods,cosy chats.Its all a bit convenient .I would start to make plans to leave .You are being cuckolded

JSMill · 20/07/2025 08:20

LDFem · 20/07/2025 06:56

I don’t think the meet ups are happening anymore but when they did they would be with her preschool toddler, not with the children we have that go to school together. He invited her to our house for a ‘play date’ with just the toddler when we don’t have any other children. That seemed particularly weird.

That really sounds just like an excuse to see each other.

Jk987 · 20/07/2025 08:19

you shouldn’t have given up your platonic male friendships.

MyDeftDuck · 20/07/2025 08:09

And I’d bet any money that her excuse for their friendship would be “my husband doesn’t understand me”…………I heard that exact phrase years ago when I found out that a woman was getting close to my husband - now my ex. We were all away for a weekend and I discovered them having a cosy chat ….she soon left and I asked him what it was about, he claimed she needed to talk to someone. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I thought she was a friend who just needed support.
Found out months later that she was visiting our home whilst I was at work……….for a lot more than support. He is now my ex and she wasn’t the only one he was “supporting”,

MaggieLk · 20/07/2025 07:56

Goodness me, are you overblowing all this? Why are you believing another gossipy mum, rather than your own husband. My husband was a stay at home dad for 10 years 30 years ago, and made friends with several women during that time. Socialising at the school gate and activities with the kids seems fine to me. Why not invite her and husband over one weekend for a BBQ, This would reassure you and demonstrate to the gossips that all is well. You need to talk to your husband too and highlight what seems to be happening in terms of other people's views. And we all wonder why is it still so difficult for the man to take on full caring role. Unfortunately comedies like Motherland don't help either.

Didimum · 20/07/2025 07:55

I can’t fathom why a good husband who loves you would dig his heels in so much over a woman who isn’t his wife. It speaks volumes.

Yes, men and women can be friends, but you know a normal friendship when you see one.

SiameseBlueEyes · 20/07/2025 07:53

Actually, I'd be looking for a hidden phone.

Gonk123 · 20/07/2025 07:52

Do they see each other away from drops offs at school?

SiameseBlueEyes · 20/07/2025 07:52

He is happy risking his marriage to see her. That says it all really. He'd rather spend time with her even if it makes you, unhappy and is so blarant about it that other people are gossiping. Only a simpleton would think this was innocent. They have either had an affair or are planning to have an affair. I would be so enraged I couldn't carry on with the relationship and I'd be having a chat to her husband about the gossip.

JustMyView13 · 20/07/2025 07:50

Here’s the question you have to ask yourself. Are these the actions of someone who loves you?

MsDogLady · 20/07/2025 07:49

@LDFem, you’re beating a dead horse. Your H knows exactly what he’s doing and exactly why you’re unsettled about this particular woman, but he doesn’t care.

In my view this is an emotional affair (at the least) that started in early 2024 when they sidelined you and began building intimacy via their intense contact — frequent messaging, coffee dates, walks in the woods, and cozy meet-ups in your home. His totally dismissing your feelings and pretending to misunderstand your boundaries show his determination to prioritize OW and protect their relationship instead of your marriage.

Your friend is a godsend. She and the others are clearly alarmed at H and OW’s ‘coupley’ behavior, and she had the courage and respect to inform you. If they are currently so blatant, then it’s highly unlikely that their alone-time and messaging ever ceased. It’s probable that things have escalated during the past year, but he’s not about to admit that to you.

Look how contemptuously he is still treating you. He is still gaslighting and stonewalling you, and has no empathy or remorse about his line crossing or about making a public mockery of you and your children. He is bullying and punishing you to make you STFU and move back into your lane.

@LDFem, your H is a cheater who has no intention of giving up his girlfriend. I would strongly advise you to consult a solicitor and make a definitive exit plan.

MummyJ36 · 20/07/2025 07:48

It sounds like you’re screaming into the void OP which is a horrible position for your DH to put you in. As others have said, if he had even one ounce of respect for you he would pull back on this. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

SunnySideDeepDown · 20/07/2025 07:33

It sounds like he simply doesn’t care about your feelings. About you.

He’s lost sight of what matters because his actions are threatening his marriage and, when you do pull the plug, he’s going to either see what he’s done, or get together with her (be prepared).

Ultimately, regardless of her, he’s showing a lack of respect and care towards you. I think he’s emotionally detached from the marriage.

CountryTunes · 20/07/2025 07:32

ButterCrackers · 20/07/2025 07:25

He doesn’t respect you and neither does this other woman. Does the other woman actually want him? I bet she’s just in this for the power aspect. Does she want to be in a relationship with him when he has his kid staying half the time? Get legal advice on leaving your dh. He’ll realise what he’s lost when his other woman doesn’t seem such a prize without the cheating aspect. She’ll leave him as well.

The other woman doesn't really have a DP because he works 7 days a week so she is lonely. They can both f off

Canijustsayonething · 20/07/2025 07:28

Agix · 20/07/2025 06:58

He already sees your point of view. You don't need to do anything else to get him to see it. He's deflecting from it because he doesn't want to have to stop what he chooses to do. Your discomfort isn't important to him.

This.

He knows exactly what he's doing. He knows it's distressing you yet still continues with the behaviour and then gaslights you. What a controlling twat.

ButterCrackers · 20/07/2025 07:25

He doesn’t respect you and neither does this other woman. Does the other woman actually want him? I bet she’s just in this for the power aspect. Does she want to be in a relationship with him when he has his kid staying half the time? Get legal advice on leaving your dh. He’ll realise what he’s lost when his other woman doesn’t seem such a prize without the cheating aspect. She’ll leave him as well.

CountryTunes · 20/07/2025 07:24

I don't see the point of couples counselling. He is most likely having some type of affair. What is there to talk about? The only talking that should be done is with a lawyer

unsurewhattodoaboutit · 20/07/2025 07:23

Speak to her then. Say you are being approached by other mums and to back off. Then divorce the gaslighter.

CountryTunes · 20/07/2025 07:19

It seems like it's some type of affair, either emotional or physical. If it meant nothing then he would have cut it off. The fact that you've not spoken in 14 days means he can't and has indirectly chosen her over you....worrying

Selfsetfree · 20/07/2025 07:16

He needs to back away from the friendship. You don’t need to be married to him and he needs to understand that. The person that is doing the gaslighting is him op. I think the fact that he is punishing you for calling out his behaviour speaks volumes. You should be able to talk about this like adults. It sounds like you can’t stand up to him. Can you che k his phone in this situation I think you need validation as he is not going to admit it.

DorothyStorm · 20/07/2025 07:13

LDFem · 20/07/2025 06:56

I don’t think the meet ups are happening anymore but when they did they would be with her preschool toddler, not with the children we have that go to school together. He invited her to our house for a ‘play date’ with just the toddler when we don’t have any other children. That seemed particularly weird.

There weren't any other children there, so it wasnt the toddler’s play date.

healthybychristmas · 20/07/2025 07:13

I wouldn't believe a word he says right now. And get back into your own bed. If you want space from him then he sleeps on the sofa. Do you have a ring doorbell? How come he has so much time on his hands?

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 07:12

He’s not particularly interested in putting any effort into his actual marriage is he? Maybe text him and say this isn’t sustainable, you don’t seem interested in how I feel, should I just give up and see a lawyer?

DorothyStorm · 20/07/2025 07:10

brunettenorthern91 · 19/07/2025 23:28

I worked at the same office as my husband for a short time and walking onto his office floor one day to go for lunch to hear the tone of his deep voice and a loud female laughing her head clean OFF at whatever he’d just said . As I appeared round the corner out of the entranceway, I didn’t even make it close enough to his desks (huge huge office floor)to have seen who it was and he’d shot across the office to meet me before I got there. It as obvious even he’d realised she was flirting with him by his reaction to seeing me and I immediately said - wtf was that. Absolutely not. Everyone knew I worked in the legal team at the company so she knew he was married. He said “she’s with someone and has been for years, she has kids” etc. I told him nope, do NOT lie to me and say even the way she was laughing at you there wasn’t a desperate attempt for attention - I don’t care if she’s with someone - we both know that doesn’t matter to some people. Does she try to sit next to you to save you a desk next to her? He said yes. I said 100% done. Do not sit next to her at work. (It’s a huge office/team and they all hot desk) Do not go for coffees or lunch or pop downstairs with just her for the “freebies” we get at work, do not go for lunchtime walks with her. You’re not talking about or listening to her problems or how you’re doing. There’s are 20 men of various ages or secure married women you could do all of the above with and she can speak to the many women her age in your team - I am not having an insecure woman mooning over my husband (he’s handsome, intelligent and has a lovely positive personality - it’s why I married him!) and him subtly entertaining it, then coming shocked to me WHEN (not if) she throws herself at him on a staff night or the Christmas party. Nope. I am similarly someone who because I’m quite bubbly and positive I ALWAYS get someone mooning at me because I’m nice (no one on ones purposefully by me!) and they always pounce at the Christmas do and I have to leave so I know the signs myself….!

I was shortly leaving the company and working hundreds of miles away and had to make my feelings clear! I think it helped that I’d worked there for 4.5 years, was well liked and everyone knew when he started he was my husband e.g. they’d see him a mile off if he over stepped and tell me about it as I had good friends working there across a lot of teams, including the senior team! You’re in a similar situation if other mums will also tell you.

Regardless of my leaving or knowing people, he immediately agreed with what I said. Agreed she did probably have a little crush on him and after that he avoided her entirely.

People can have friends of the opposite sex, but we all know when there’s a hint of something more. I’m afraid if he seems to be entertaining it - ultimatum is the only way. He has no reason to even speak to this woman due to work or your children. Zero tolerance.

Edited

I am not having an insecure woman mooning over my husband
What a very weird take on the event you described! Your husband was flirting with someone in the office, saw you and ran across the room in guilt. I dont think he would have been at all surprised if he accidentally shagged her at the Christmas do.

@brunettenorthern91

Lafufufu · 20/07/2025 07:09

Could he claim primary custody?
If so and its not what you want I'd sit down shut up and change your work arrangements and get your ducks in a row.

As hard as it will be (fear of the truth will likely make you not want to) I'd tell him I'm not sitting and waiting for an affair to happen. He has 2 really simple choices; either he starts couples counselling now or you start the process of separating and divorce.
HIS choice not yours. He can either spend one little hour a week talking to someone or he can end his marriage because he CBA to even do that.

Right now, He literally gives zero shits about how you feel all he cares about is his "friendship" 🙄
If he is so fucking lonely go to dads playgroups or Men's Sheds....Not have an emotional leading to physical affair with a school mum.

You arent crazy or overreacting dont waste 2 yrs of your life (if youre 40, 2 yrs is about 5% of your time left on this earth!!!) waiting for this to finally blow up
Dont let him make you doubt yourself.

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