If you are married to an orthopaedic surgeon (not private practice), how well off do you feel as a family, if you don’t work yourself?

School fees in secondary (even prep) are about £11k per term in London and many other schools outside London. That's the basic fees. So, with trips, music lessons and any other incidentals, you could well be looking at close to £40k per year for one child. And that's not boarding schools or boarding schools with day places (where day students do longer days, have dinner at school, prep, etc). This is just normal day schools.

If he's already a consultant it's probably too late to change his subspecialty. And why should she "tell him he has to build a private practice," if he is happy and fulfilled in his NHS work?

If my SAH partner tried to tell me I HAD to go and do work that would take up most of my free time, add layers of extra admin and stress and compromise my personal beliefs, just so they can have nice handbags, I'd waste little time in telling them where to go!

@Yunall you are allowed to not want to work if that’s what you and your husband agree. But you need more money coming in because trust me that is nowhere near enough for a comfortable life that you’re describing. It’s probably enough for the early years at home with your first. But children get expensive as they get older. Mine are older, and their needs increase. Their food bill increases, the holidays with school/clubs cost £1000’s per year and you don’t want them to miss out while they have opportunities. Their clothes are expensive, brand name trainers are not cheap. Xmas/birthday gifts similarly go up
hugely in value, then it’s driving lessons, a car, uni fees/accomodation. Help to buy. It keeps
on going and you love and want to help your children always. When you have greater earnings you do what you can to have a nice life for you and your children. There’s no way your family could do that on your husbands salary alone. If you wanted to you could live a life where you budget and are careful but that’s not what you describe. I know there are plenty on here who will say you don’t need to send the kids on all the clubs/school trips. Sure. They’re right too. But it’s lovely for them and if you live in a wealthy area their friends will be going and they will
miss out. And they can take out uni loans. Again yes but you don’t want to saddle your child with debt if you can help. If you want to be comfortable and never work, think of another way to have more money coming in regularly. Everyone lives different types of lives and have different spending in their family so I agree there are some mums here will think that’s enough but I guarantee it’s not living the way you are describing. If you don’t have children then you possibly could survive ok on your husbands salary assuming you have already bought a home that you want in a nice area and don’t need to upgrade etc. but it’s kids. They cost a lot. Not when young but as older, when teenagers and beyond especially.

Depending on the school, £200k won’t even put one child through primary school unfortunately! Fees have gone up a ridiculous amount in the past 20 years (unrelated to and pre-dating VAT)

@Yunall you earn a high salary too - is it a career you could continue part time? That might be your best bet.

For many of us £110K is a huge salary but it wouldn’t pay for private school, nice car, ski holiday, cleaner & for you to also be SAHM. So I think you either need to work or accept a more modest lifestyle than you envisaged.

For most people that would be a fortune.

Also £200k for school fees won’t go far. Strongly suggest you continue earning a living yourself, for a variety of reasons. If your DP “doesn’t believe” in private practice it’s highly unlikely your life values align.

Orthopaedic surgeons can make a massive amount through PP. I’m a lawyer and have handled a couple of partnership disputes between orthopaedic doctors and the partnership drawings were eye watering. The hand doctors make the most. If you expect your future husband to keep you as your parents did (rather than making enough money yourself to fund the lifestyle you expect) then get your DP into the hand business and tell him he has to build a private practice. Hope that helps.

Be aware that on divorce you’ll be expected to earn your own money and a lifestyle that comes from a husband can be gone as easily as it arrived.

Some people love being homemakers! Doesn't have to be boring. Who’d want the cost and stress of childcare if they didn’t have to?

Shameful to want to give your family all your time and attention to have a happy life? If OP needed to work to make ends meet and put food on the table but refused, then that is shameful, but she has a decent amount coming in, more then enough for the needs to live a decent family life. Speaking as someone who was poor and had to work to supplement my husband’s salary in order to live a modest life, I’d love to have been in the OP’s position!

Bringing up children IS work. I wouldn’t want to go out to work if I didn’t have to!

The whole point of becoming an ortho surgeon is to triple your salary by doing private work. Get him to do that and then have children.

Nothing wrong with not wanting to work. Or have kids.

It's a common attitude. Having to work is different to wanting to work.

There is no shame at all in a woman admitting she would prefer a SAHM/housewife role over climbing the corporate ladder. Sounds like OP has had her fair share of it already having progressed to £80k pa.

You didn’t answer my question…also, what makes you think I don’t understand what is like to go without? Just because I am a high earner now doesn’t mean my life was always like this. I have told you that my father has an income of approx £12,500 per annum. It’s pretty obvious that I don’t come from an affluent background.

Why don’t you want to work? That’s a pretty shameful attitude.

I was a single parent and now I am a pensioner both so I think I am in a reasonable position to comment. I know what it is like to go without both as a young woman and now as a much older one who is in the departure lounge

Who said that I begrudge you anything? You really are taking this personally. I have simply said on this thread on multiple occasions that most pensioners don’t have the same outgoings as single parents because most pensioners are not paying mortgage/rent childcare or commuting costs. Are you saying that I am wrong?

i am guilty of this and hold my hands up! I live a life of luxury in my two up two down.😂 I was a single mum and had to work two jobs to pay the mortgage and it was bloody hard. I have been on holiday about 10 times in the past 30 years, I have struggled to pay repairs and at the moment the torrential rain had shown up another leak in my roof and I am worried about how I am going to pay to repair it, maybe I should cancel that cruise (joke). The area I live in is a slum these days and when I put the bin out this evening I was approached by a beggar who was off his face who shook a plastic cup in my face and asked for money. I felt quite threatened. So not all us oldies are living the high life, I appreciate that I do not have a mortgage anymore but it was a struggle to pay it off and I had to make sacrifices. Do you begrudge me this? You really would not want to live where I am, had to have the police out to the neighbours the other week due them being involved in a drunken brawl on the street

I’m not talking about my own situation. But I do have friends and colleagues in this position. The point I am making is that no one would describe my dad as rich but plenty of people would say that someone on £100k is. But it really isn’t as straight forward as that. Just the other week my FIL was describing those on £100k as the wealthy. However, he wouldn’t describe himself as wealthy even though he and MIL have over £50k of pensions coming in and very low outgoings. The fact is that they have far more disposable income than many people I know on £100k +.

As I have already pointed out nobody will have to pay child care for the rest of their lives and while it is a huge expense you will feel the difference when they need less care. Likewise the pension contributions will hopefully see you better off than many when you eventually retire. It is all proportional isn't it? Showed your outgoings to my mate who is an HCA and a single mum and like you she has nothing left after her rent, bus pass, food and essentials but you would probably think that £800 a month and £75.00 bus pass is nothing but it is a huge chunk from her wages. She has about £250 left after all the essentials are paid for.

Most of them don’t. The stats show that almost 80% are owner occupiers and that the vast majority of them own their properties outright. As a group, they have much better housing security than other age demographics.

I’ve commented about this a couple of times already on this thread. £100k after tax and 5% pension contribution is approx £5471 per month. Childcare for one child £2000 (that’s what most of my colleagues are currently paying and some are paying closer to £3000), £2000 for a mortgage (buys you a small two bed terrace in my area) and £495 for a monthly train pass. Leaves you with less than £1000 per month for all other bills, food and household expenses. My dad has slightly more than this per month and only has one person to feed and cloth (i.e. himself).

Someone on £12.5k is better off than someone on £100k ? How do you work that one out? True he won't be paying income tax but he will have to pay council tax, gas, elec, water rates, broadband, home insurance, property maintenance and he will need to eat. My current essential outgoings account for 35% of my monthly income and I am really feeling the pinch. Also worth noting that in the dim and distant past I (a single mum on a low wage) paid a mortgage, child care, and all the bills that I still have to pay now. Child care, while it is a huge expense at the time is not forever, food, fuel, water, insurance, are life long costs as are the repairs and maintenance of property.

Yeah it must be so hard