Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

Oh OP. What a tough decision! I see that you’ve decided to go- that’s what I was going to suggest and I’m glad you’ve decided to go.

I’m really sorry for your loss! I hope you can manage to enjoy your holiday!

Apologies if someone has suggested this, not got the energy to read the whole thread just your posts - once you're out there is there an option (if needed) to leave your children with family out there and for you to either come back alone and leave the children to come back alone, or for you to come back on a flight and then go back to collect them and return on your original flights? Obviously this completely depends on the ages of your children, whether they and you are happy to be with family without you, if your family are happy to have them to look after, your finances and the aeroplane company policies. But just to give you another option if no-one has suggested it yet.

You come across as resilient, very caring but sensible.
No decision is ideal but practically rushing to your partner and waking up the children to let them know the sad news and leaving them to get to the airport alone was not practical and distressing for them.
If you had cancelled everything you would have had to take the children with you or left them alone - not great for them at all - it's not just mising the trip it's leaving them in an awkward position.
I think you made the right decision in difficult circumstances. You can be really supportive still to your partner being someone he can offload to each day.

Oh @Allcrisisnocalm what a difficult dilemma for you. I’ve just been reading through all your updates.
I think you’ve absolutely arrived at the right decision. This is a major trip. As a single mum I understand that financial burden and also ensuring your kids have bonds with other family members is really important.
It is a different trip to a normal holiday - and you are 100% right to go,

Your DP, who sounds lovely btw, has said you should go. This is the first week of his grief journey… they may not even have had the funeral by the time you’re back. (You may be able to return earlier if the funeral happens as it will be easier for your kids to fly back alone from the US.)
He will be so busy in the next few weeks and you will be there later when he wants company in the evening or to talk about her and everyone else has faded away.

Go and know that this 2 weeks will fly and then you will be back with him for the important months ahead,

wishing you all the best xx

It's a horrible situation but you've done the right thing. You've said he's financially better off than you so he could potentially pay for you to fly back for the funeral.

It is easy to say I would stay despite the costs, if you can afford it.

OP can’t. The existing flights are on credit and her future funds are going to be eaten up by university fees. She doesn’t have a spare £1000 to rearrange her own flight, never mind £4000 to change everyones.

Its a sad situation, and not one anyone would have chosen, but personally I can’t imagine letting a 11/15/18 year old do that trip on their own and make their way through immigration. OPs partner has told her to go, I would go.

Also we don’t all handle bereavement and grief in the same way. I am a very practical person and if I was the DP I would absolutely want OP to go. There will be a lot of arrangements and logistics to do, and I would rather do those myself. If it’s England then funerals take a long time so OO will likely be back for that.

I’m pleased you’re on your way. But so sorry for the extremely difficult circumstances.

it sounds like your relationship is strong and he respects how you need to consider your DC. Lots of FaceTime and calls while you’re away, maybe a message to his bro and kids too.

try to enjoy your holiday.

I am sure there will be plenty to organise, but that can be done from the US. In your position I would fly him out and then you can support him in person, and still give your dc a holiday. He won’t be in work anyway.

Firstly, I’m so sorry that your partner’s mum has died during the night.
Secondly, what an awful position you found yourself in. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
I hope you can still enjoy spending time with your family.

Can he fly out earlier?

Not just this, but it is likely that although your partner may not join you for the second week, as planned, you will be back in time for the funeral, unless it so happens that in his mother’s area, funerals take place more quickly than in other places, and can support him with your presence there.
My condolences on the loss. I am glad for everyone’s sake that it was relatively quick, by the sounds of it.

@Muffinmam you are a terrible fucking person. That’s her partner for 8 years and they are both grieving the loss of his mother.

@Allcrisisnocalm I’m so sorry for your grief right now. Hopefully you can get some sleep on the plane 💐

It’s an eight year relationship, so clearly serious.

I would have changed the flights to Wednesday personally. Even given the cost. I would want to be with my partner in moments like this.

He has.

If I was in your partner’s shoes I would tell n you to go. You can still support by FaceTime etc.
So sorry you are all going through this.

Some very heartless responses here and I wonder what the replies would be if the scenario was reversed.

I wouldn’t go. It sounds as if your partner has been supportive of you when you’ve been grieving in the past. In blended families I don’t believe that ‘kids always come first’, I think that the needs of the family need to be considered equally on a case by case basis and this is one of the times that your partner comes first and needs your support.

I don’t think that really applies in situations like this.

Yeah, great idea, giving your children the impression something appalling has happened at home, then packing them off to the US without you.

Send them with the 18 year old. As you’re saying, they are not babies and you’ll be met by family - and by you in 24 hours or so. Your 18yo just needs to mind them on the flight. Good solution.

From another perspective, I wouldn’t actually want a partner rushing up to sympathise with me in person for a day and then fly off to the US, so if you sent your children to the US in advance, expecting to follow on a day later, you might find yourself in the worst possible situation of ruining everything for everyone, with you over here for two weeks and upset family over there, or you not helping your partner in any way whatsoever (just making a token appearance), then flying off to upset family in the US. In all honesty, I think your emotional reaction is entirely understandable, but your partner was right, you need to go ahead with your pre-existing plans. There is a reason you are still just partners, don’t live together, and you have not (yet) blended your families. He has a close knit family and you aren’t his sole emotional crutch. You can be supportive of him without throwing a grenade into your own family set up.

He has support. Your plans aren’t changeable without significant consequence. If it were me I would definitely not send my kids alone

It's difficult but I would just go. Certainly wouldn't send children on their own.

It’s not a thing anymore. Under a certain age you have to pay for someone to fly with them. My 18 year old DD would have been able to cope with this but not all 18 yr olds are the same. I think you have to go. He has other family with him.