Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

Those comments were really insensitive IMO.

Sorry for his loss and yours too

I hope you and your children enjoy the trip in spite of this very sad situation.

If your partner has a close relationship with his siblings I think I would still go. When mum died having my children and brother around me to share memories with was important and most of the decisions around what happens next will need to be made with them.

I'd ask him if he wants you to stay in UK. Realistically, what would you do if you remained here anyway.

You are not heartless at all. You're clearly a very loving and compassionate partner and person.

I hope you managed to finish packing and made the flight!

Sorry your boyfriend's dm has died. I see you have gone which is good, in situations like this your dc should always come first, no potential flight changing etc just acceptance that is was sadly bad timing but these things often are.

Enjoy your holiday. Don't be texting him non stop, make sure your kids know you are fully into the trip.

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary

Get real, its highly unlikely he’ll be going to America to see OP next week

I hope you're on your way now op and have a fantastic time!

You seem like a lovely couple who have put your children first, which seems to be quite a rare thing. Blended families create all sorts of issues and you have come across, sadly, a rare issue that not blending can throw up, which is that in a crisis like this one you can't expect the children's significant plans to change due to a life event of someone they don't really know. I think you have made the right choices and I hope you have a lovely holiday with your family, though it will obviously not be the same as you will be thinking of your partner.

Condolences to your partner - it's good he has close family with him now and understands your commitment to your children.

I am so sorry for your partners loss. So cruel when it happens suddenly.

I fully understand your position. It is possible in the real world to have this arrangement post divorce and for it to be a fully committed long term relationship.

I have done the same and only now, after 4 years have we bought a home together but we will still not be living together full time for another 2 years. Because I’ve put my kids first.

TBH - as a single parent you can’t win on MN. Move in with a new partner before your kids turn 30 you are accused of prioritising your love life over them. Don’t live together - you’re accused of not being partners / in a proper relationship.

Sounds like you’ve navigated both your relationship and this awful sadness as well as you can.

Throw yourself inot this trip for you DCs and for yourself - try hard to lap up all the fun of the extended family. See this as refueling if necessary so that you have the emotional capacity for him in the coming months.

It will be a shock as it was a sudden death but he has close siblings that were with him throughout his life with his DM that you didnt - thye get to share the burden of this experience.

I am relieved that you know she has passed before you boarded your flight.

I didn’t realise! That’s good.

I'm very pragmatic about these things so I would go as planned. You staying cannot change the outcome and your partner has his family around him.

All that will happen if you stay is everyone sits around for hours waiting for her to go and then... nothing and you've lost 3k.

Sorry you are goong through this.

I think you need to travel as planned. You can be supportive remotely, and bring there physically wouldn't necessarily be that helpful.

Obviously DP won't be joining you for part 2 of the holiday so you'll need to reconsider what to do with that time.

When DP will really need you will be for the funeral but those are normally at least a month from the death so presumably you'll be back by then

Very sorry to hear about your DP's mum.

I think you did the right thing by going through with your trip though.

I had a similar situation where my DM was in hospital having been told she wouldn't get through the night, but DP had to go and visit family for an urgent matter the same day.

DP had known DM for 20 years so it hurt her not to be there for her, or for me, but it just works out like that sometimes.

DP was there for me when she got back and that was something I really appreciated. I'm sure you'll do the same.

Ah. She's in the air. Right decision all round.

A very difficult situation @Allcrisisnocalm especially when it arose completely out of the blue but the situation absolutely prevented you from being there. I also think your judgment is being coloured by your past experience of losing your Mum. When my own Mum died I didn’t have DH with me as he was looking after our children. I was fortunate to have my siblings with me & although we aren’t especially close it felt right to share that experience with them rather than with DH. So similar to what your partner has been through.

My main point is you shouldn’t feel any guilt that he’s not supported as he was with the other people closest to his mum. My support from DH came not at the actual point of death but in the weeks and months that followed and that is what you will be able to provide for your DH.

He may even still join you in the US after the initial shock as there’s not a lot more he can do until the funeral.

Enjoy your time and holiday with your children. If death reminds of anything it’s that time spent with family is precious.

May your partners mum RIP

It sounds like you've made the right decision in a very complex set of circumstances. I just wanted to also say that seeing your family in America who have not seen you in nearly a decade is also so important. We never know how long we will have to see the people we love. Your children deserve the holiday but you also have an important reason to go.

It's still a thing but has to be pre booked (saw it recently on Tiktok a woman sending her daughter to Jamaica for the summer🥰)

I think you should go with your kids. It’s timing isn’t it - few hours later and you would have been online the air when the news came through. If I was your partner I would tell you to go.

Ask your partner what he wants. Depending on his temperament, he may wish to spend these last hours alone with his dm. He may well also want to spend these hours after her passing on his own.

Just go.

@MauriceTheMussel

have some compassion- he may be an adult but his mother is unexpectedly dying!

honestly mumsnet is so weird at times - it’s like only children are worthy of empathy and compassion and anyone over the age of 25 or so is just to be stoic, suck it up and just get on with functioning.

one day your kids will be adults and would you be happy with them receiving the paltry compassion that you think adults should get?

He has his siblings and his adult children there is no need to complicate things with an unmarried partner. Tbh you'll probably just be in the way and quite frankly it could come across as grandstanding if you pitch up at her deathbed announcing you've cancelled such a big reunion holiday. It's not your place Apologise profusely say you understand whatever he wants to do about coming out but obviously you put your children first.

Just go. It’s tough but children are more important

I'd go on the trip but be as supportive as I could in other ways - regular messages, phone calls, updates etc. I'm sure he'd understand. I definitely wouldn't send the kids on their own - airports are horrible, crowded and confusing places. Plus the children might feel bit abandoned.

I just wanted to reply about the “just a boyfriend” comments.
We are absolutely committed life partners but we haven’t blended families as it wouldn’t be best for our kids as one set would need uprooting.

I was reading this thinking how refreshing that kids haven't been uprooted to blend families for once!

Hope it all goes as well as it can Op.