Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

sorry. Just seen your update.

Its so good of your partner to say go.. and you should

All the reasons. 9 years gap, reunion etc.. Now that you've made your decision, please dont regret it.. I know its bringing back memories of difficult times, but remember that this is a NEW memory, a very meaningful one that you are making with your children and that is also very important.

Obviously you feel how you feel, but don't let guilt weigh you down.
You know perfectly well that you will be helping your partner when you return... and actually its easier for the bereaved in some ways in the immediate aftermath (in terms of being surrounded by relatives all going through the same experience, planning things etc) its actually afterwards when all the flowers and cards have been sent and you are back to normal life when its hard.. and I think that is when you will be there and really support him.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Please try to put your worries to one side until you return and enjoy your reunion and your lovely children's company as much as you can. Wishing you all the best.

100 per cent agree with this.

Looking at the practicalities, you should go with your kids as planned and support your partner. He is surrounded by siblings and adult children. Who knows how they will behave with emotions running high. You don't know if making these changes will have any real contribution or whether you will actually just be on the sidelines.

Emotionally, its a different kettle of fish. Only you know how important it is for you to be physically present.

But I think, given the practicalities if your partner is OK with you staying in touch by facetime or phone, then things will be clearer in the next few days.

I know from experience how very difficult these moments can be. The nuclear family came together.. those less closely involved remained firmly in the background.
Given the suddeness of the illness, there will be so much for the siblings to talk through and decide and you will just be on the fringes. Sometimes that is because there can be too many people around. You could support him remotely for the next week... and it will be easier to make your own decisions when your partner and siblings have made their initial decisions.
Also the hospital has twice (for different people) predicted that the person was about to pass on and they lasted between a week and three weeks (not their fault but it just didn't happen when they predicted.)

Sorry you are going through this. Its a hard decision, but I would go with your children and not send them on their own.

Just go on the holiday. Its not your mum and the kids should come first.

Setting aside debt that never in a month of Sundays would I a) consider cancelling holiday b) consider sending off my inexperienced long haul kids off on their own…. You’re not close to his kids

and do you think they would appreciate dad’s girlfriend they barely know around when they are grieving?

can one of your kids come down with a "vomiting bug" that you can get a sick note from the doctor for? then your insurance will cover the trip, you can all reschedule for another time. A bit unethical, but difficult times call for difficult measures

If it was my partner (who I've also been with for 8 years) I'd want to be with him. Moving the flights 24 hours wouldn't do much as he would still be very, very upset and possibly still in shock.

It's one of those situations where you just have to talk and ask him what he wants you to do.

It's horrible thinking about letting your kids down. But at the same time I just know there's no way on earth I could leave my partner on his own if he was losing his mum suddenly. I would want to be there with him every minute of it.

OP, I'm glad you've decided to go on your trip and that your partner encouraged you to go.

Similar story for you. When we knew our mother was dying, my younger brother was due to go on holiday to Europe with his wife and 2 daughters (aged 16 and 12). He decided to stay (he and I kept a 5 day vigil over our mum) and 'sent' (like your partner, he was adamant that they were not missing their holiday) his wife and daughters off on holiday. He has never regretted this decision - he and I were able to ensure mum was not alone when she passed and that was entirely appropriate.

You can't be all things to all people at all times, OP, and I'm sure he respects that you made the correct decision to prioritise your own children.

He is not without support the way you were when your own DM died, so try not to project your own feelings about that onto this situation. They are completely different.

Very late to this and can see you've left and are on your way, but I wanted to say how lovely you sound. It was so clear that you just wanted to do the best you possibly could by everyone and I'm so sorry that you're having to handle all this. The one thing I would say though is that the unexpected passing of your partner's mother should remind all of you that you just never know how long you have with your important people, and your trip to connect with your family, and for your children to connect with them, is also really important. I'm sure your partner knows you well enough after eight years to know you absolutely won't have made this decision lightly and without a lot of upset. Please do try to to enjoy your trip; he'll be ok and so will you xx

At the very least you need to have a conversation with him on the phone or in person and express your desire to be with him at this horrible time. Tell him your completely torn about what to do. Hopefully he will tell you it's okay to go if he has support from family.

Sorry for your loss. I think you have made the right decision.

In the kindest way possible, I think you need to try and separate your feelings of abandonment when your parents died with this situation with your DP.

Your husband buggering off to work and leaving you totally alone is not at all the same as you accompanying your kids across the Atlantic and through immigration in the US (especially as things are at the minute) for a year-long planned trip to see your family that you haven’t seen in a decade and that would also cost £££ to change the flights.

Please try to see how very, very different these situations are. Of course your DP said to go ahead with the plans - he is not alone, he has family with him.

I’m sure he appreciates that you wanted to be there - that’s another massive difference in the two situations as well.

Prioritise your family holiday with your children absolutely.

A thought for all who mourn her death, may your partner's mother rest in peace and her life in time be able to be celebrated.

Hope OP the flight and immigration is as trouble free as possible and you enjoy meeting your relatives.

You don’t need to be there , when my dad passed it was me , my brother and my mum there and that felt appropriate

You sound like a fantastic mum op
I only wish my own parents had taken your view and not blended families .,with the person they got together with after divorce
Being in two step families,was a disaster for me as a child .
It's really sad to hear your partner's mum died
But so encouraging to hear how you are putting your children first .I'm sure your partner knows how much you are thinking of him and supporting him from a far

When stuff happens unexpectedly, you get on and deal with it.

When DH’s mum died unexpectedly he immediately flew to where she lived to sort everything out and arrange the funeral etc. on his own as I had a 9 month old DC to look after, which is much easier to do at home where everything is in place.

I flew there a week later to attend the funeral and help sort stuff out. DH was her only living relative so had it all on his shoulders. But he’s an adult and perfectly capable.

It sounds like your DP has siblings and adult children around to help organise stuff so he’ll be fine if you tell him he will. 🤷🏻‍♀️

'I assume purely because they aren't married he's just a 'boyfriend' and basically who cares if his mums died, if OP even considers changing her flights she's a terrible parent who will ruin her entire relationship with her children, really?!'

She isnt a terrible parent because she put her dc first not her bf who lives 3hrs away and has plenty of support with his adult kids.

It is of course sad but people rarely die at a time that is convenient for everyone so you have to prioritise, which she has.

You’ve done the right thing OP. Try and make the most of this holiday with your children. Keep checking in with your DP but don’t let his sad news dominate the trip.

He has siblings he is close to and there will be a lot of practicalities to sort out his end.

@safetyfreak

omg, of course it will put a dampener on it for OP! This is her partner of 8 years! While she can enjoy her trip and doing stuff with her kids, and not let it affect how she is with them, inside herself of course she is going to be affected. She can’t just forget and erase from her mind the fact that her beloved partner is in the immediate stages of (unexpected) grief and loss of one of the most important people in his life.

I am sorry to hear that she died during the night.

I think you have done the right thing in going. You really couldn't have let the children go alone to the US with an 18 year old and as you say, this is a once in a decade opportunity to see relatives.

You can support your partner through messages. In my experience of grief, more support is needed once the inital phase ends (up to the funeral). Up to that point everyone is offering help, buzzing around, saying the right things etc. and you're caught up in organizing so it pulls you through. Once the funeral is over, for most people, everything goes back to normal to a certain extent and it's the closest family who are then suddenly left alone with this massive whole in their life.

He'll need you more when you get back from the US then he does right now.

The judgemental undertone is some of these messages is only ever found on mumsnet. Two people have been together for 8 years and have done everything 'by the book' according to mumsnet of not blending their families, yet I assume purely because they aren't married he's just a 'boyfriend' and basically who cares if his mums died, if OP even considers changing her flights she's a terrible parent who will ruin her entire relationship with her children, really?!

OP you sound like a wonderfully supportive committed partner, and sadly this is just one of those times when you cant be in 2 places at once. You can support from afar and still hopefully also enjoy time with your children and family.

So sorry your partners mom has died during the night.

You both sound such lovely people. I hope your partner is okay and that you can enjoy your time in America

You’ve made the right choice OP. Try and enjoy your holiday, your reunion and your children. Your MIL sounds like a nice lady and she’d wouldn’t want you to be sad on such a special trip.

Your DP is well supported, he’ll be ok.

I think you have done the right thing. If there are so many other close people around him, then you’d probably have been a spare part anyway.

Oh my, please enjoy your holiday.

The way your relationship set up, yes of course you should put your children first.

I really hope you don't allow this to damper your time with your kids and your family. Your boyfriend may likely join you still.

I am assuming you are an older couple, so a death of an elderly parent is less of a shock?