Partners mum is going to die tonight but im meant to be taking my kids on holiday tomorrow

I would take my kids to America and if my partner needed me to, fly back and leave them with family there.
He's with his siblings etc now he's not alone

I think you obviously go with your kids to America as planned. Not only should they be your priority but you’re going to see family, and everyone will be looking forward to it - not least you who probably needs the support!

I would speak to your partner but I’m sure he’ll understand. For the sake of 24 hours, 3 k is insane.

I think you should go, but consider coming back early. DP has got a support network around him right now, but as time goes on, people get tired, crisis levels drop and the initial rush of adrenaline subsides. That’s when he will need your support more.

As much as you would like to be there for him at the moment and feel bad for appearing like you’re going off on your jollies whilst he’s dealing with something so tragic, if you don’t know the rest of his family well, it would probably be better to leave them to comfort each other. Make sure he knows that you don’t want to impose and that now isn’t the time to be making introductions and they should all be focussing on one another as it’s a very devastating time for them all. Apart from the flight, you will be on the end of the phone for him and can look for an earlier flight home if he needs you.

Funerals here takes ages now, you’d be looking at around three to four weeks, so you’ll be back in time for that when he will need your support. Also there will be other people around for that so you won’t feel as uncomfortable as you would being at the hospital/with them in the immediate aftermath at such a highly emotional and private time for all of them. Whilst you’ve been together for a long time, you don’t know the rest of the family well enough for any of you to feel comfortable being thrown together in this situation.

When my mum died I had been with dh for 15 years and married for 8. I actually found it easier not to have him there. I just needed to be in the bubble with my dad and brothers and not have to think about him (he lost his dad two years before and was similar).
so I would say definitely go, your dp may or may not be able to join you next week

Sending hugs and warm thoughts🌹

I'm glad he has come back to you and told you to go OP. That shows how much he loves you. Once you have gone and the dust has settled a bit you can chat in a few days and consider coming back early if he decides not to travel for the second week. Should be much easier for the kids coming this way if you do that and you will have time to make proper arrangements for them.

Nice one. That's decent of him. I wish him well, and I'm sorry he's lost his mum. I wish you well too. Have a nice holiday with your children, and your family across the pond ...

I don’t think you should delay going, but could you maybe get an earlier flight back? He will be having to sort out so much and he has his relatives with him. You can facetime him, give emotional support and then fly back earlier. The funeral will not be for a few weeks, you can provide practical support from afar and come back when it is feasible

I agree. He has family with him and you will be supporting him yourself as best as you can from afar. As @Lafufufu said, the funeral could take several weeks to arrange, and you will be there to support him for that, and afterwards. I know people say (including myself) that the real grieving often begins after the funeral when everyone has gone home and the distraction of thinking about how many sandwiches to order etc has gone. He knows you want to be there for him and you will. I hope you have a lovely holiday with your children despite this xxx

Yes. Exactly!

He sounds like a keeper OP, I’m glad you have each other. Try not to feel too guilty about going, you are making the right call

Honestly I agree with your partner: and if this were to happen to me I know I’d have the support of my family. Whilst you’ve been together for so long would he really want your kids to miss out due to circumstances that don’t involve them?

You staying won’t save your partner’s mum and as much as he may want you there for emotional support, if he thinks anything of you he will know that you should go.

Your kids will be looking forward to it and he will know you can’t cancel through insurance. I’d explain to your partner that you have to go for the kids sakes and finances won’t allow you to cancel, but that you’ll be on the end of the phone when you get there if he needs you.

Just go. It’s the only sensible option here. You’re going to end up losing a ton of money for something you can’t change otherwise.

This is the best and most sensible outcome given the awful situation. Just remember you’ll be driven to stay and support him in an attempt to “heal” and “rewrite” your bad experience with your ex. It’s not the same. You’re not letting him down. Try to be present as possible for your kids. Good luck!

Sorry, also missed the update. He's a decent guy, bless him.

You can all go another time. Sorry op but be ready to be there for your dp. I’d assume they’d do the same for you. Your kids can go in the future, this is a huge thing for your partner, and you’re 8 years together so not an insignificant relationship

Just take your holiday as planned, go with your kids. It's important to them and I'm sure your DP would want you to put them first.
You'll be back in plenty of time for the funeral etc. It would be understandable if he doesn't join you but he may well also decide to not let his kids down.
Talk to him. Don't second guess.

I'd missed this when I posted. I'm glad he said that. It's the right call.

Hugs OP. Must be really heart wrenching.

You can go to America any time but he will lose his mother only once. He will always remember the faces of those who were there to support him in what will be one of the toughest moments in his life. If he’s a partner of 8 years clearly you have a deep and strong relationship and to not be there may leave a lasting impact or it may not but then you know him best.

If my partner did this to me when my mum died, I would end the relationship. Go another time.

I appreciate that you have been in a relationship with each other for 8 years which is a long time but you both have children from previous relationships and sometimes those children have to take priority. You say you haven't been to the US for many years and have lots of family to catch up with. That's important for you as well as your children. You've been through a lot too - divorce, losing your parents and best friend - and you deserve to focus on yourself and your kids. It's just really really unfortunate timing. The thing is, you say he has siblings with him - assuming they all get on, they can support each other. And you can support him at a distance, as you say. Not the same as physically being with him, but the next best thing.

Go.

Glad you’ve heard from him and that he’s reassured you that you are to go with the kids and have the holiday you planned.
I do understand the timing couldn’t be worse (when is timing for this stuff ever good?) and that you want to be there to support him but you will be coming back in a couple of weeks
and be able to contact him while you’re away,
Hope you manage to make the best of your time op, with your family and your dc. I think it’s the right decision although I can appreciate why you were torn.

I personally wouldn't ask him what he wants you to do - I think it's too much to expect him of him at this difficult time. He needs you to tell him what you are doing - and in the circumstances that is to go with your children.

It doesn't sound as if he needs immediate in-person support. Your primary role is to be there for your children and provide them with stability and connection with their own family. They need your immediate in-person support to have this experience. Their needs trump your partner's for the next 2 weeks.

Assuming you are in UK and not of a culture or religion that arrange funerals very quickly, then I also assume you will be back in time for the funeral. If not, you could consider coming back early perhaps (although I wouldn't necessarily depending on your relationship.woth his family)..I don't think there's any point in delaying your trip by 24 hours.

You have a much longer term role to support your partner in the aftermath of this very upsetting time.

Just saw your update, OP. Good man. Stop making this about your needs and feelings now, and get on preparing to fly with your children.