I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

OP, do you have anyone who can help you be accountable with your money? Having a neutral person to help you devise a budget and who understands the pressures you’re under, will help massively.

Years ago when I got into a lot of debt and didn’t know how to stop spending, a family member really helped me out. She helped me create a budget and she held me accountable, periodically checking in (when I least expected it) to see if I was keeping to my promises. In your case as it sounds as though you have a good wage, a budget is still really helpful. You divide up your money into essential bills, savings and ‘fun’. Put more into savings and less into ‘fun’ so there’s basically no more cash to splurge on other people. Your savings are to be used by you and for your children only.

Having someone to be accountable to might really help.

OP, I’ve read all of your comments and this is a toxic relationship even without even without the obvious freeloading. This woman is rude, unhelpful, childish, lazy, mean, and a grade A cheeky fucker. You can do far better and you know it. Get rid ASAP - it will be easier to do now as you’re only 6 months in than it would be years down the line. You know what you have to do - this is impacting on you and your children and that is not ok.

Oh tired I really feel for you. I'm ND too and generous hearted, always give people the benefit of the doubt and get taken advantage of etc. but never to this extent.

PLEASE read and read and read again all these replies. Gain strength from them.

Not only is she a massively cheeky freeloader, but she's living at your house half the time and not even pulling their weight around the house!! It's not just a finance issue. She's a shameless user and taker. You deserve better.

I'd say to them that you need to buckle down on work for a month as you didn't have much left in the bank so you will be Uber busy, and you are going to have a "no spend" month. This is an excellent idea posted earlier in the thread. State you'll be using up cupboard stuff, not going a good shop except for maybe bread and milk for example.

If they are heading to yours try out saying stuff like "hey do you have any wash powder in the cupboard at yours or do you have to change to pick some up". Start pushing back a teeny bit on getting them to contribute whilst also taking back a bit of control.

Drop into conversation how you are saving up for a big holiday or for a lovely Xmas for your kids so you aren't going to book any luxuries like hols/meals out etc for a long while and you are sure they understand. If they mention friends coming to yours say oh let's go to your place as I've nothing in and I'm having a no spend month remember, or maybe X can host.

I BET once you start putting in some boundaries that the scales will fall off your eyes. They will sulk or push back or kick off and you will clearly see their true colours.

Also: you can break up with someone at any time, for any reason. You can break up with them in a public place or via your phone, it doesn't have to be in person. You don't have to have them in your house again after a break up, or meet up with them after a break up etc. So how they react afterwards can have zero effect on you in terms of if they kick off.n

OP, this is not a partnership - if it were, you would be able to tell your friend that money is a bit tight and you will have to rein back. Also that you are not bankrolling her freeloading friends any more. What you have is a situation of exploitation - your friend is exploiting you for money, and you are letting her. Are you afraid that if you tell her the well has run dry, then she will be off? Because if so, all the more reason to tell her - in a partnership, people look out for each other, and are there for the good times and bad. She sounds appallingly exploitative, and for your own well being, mental health and indeed financial good, this all has to stop.

She's gaslighting you.

She says she does not ask for anything you do for her - however she insists you go on a weekend away for YOUR birthday that she has no intention of paying for and when you sensibly downgrade your own birthday treat to a dinner as you know she will bring a mate and expect you to pay for them.

If she is not asking you for anything why did she want you to do a weekend away which became a dinner for YOUR birthday when she did not even offer to pay for her share of dinner? Just sat there when the bill came.

You deserve better OP you are not responsible for her situation. She has freeloaded off you and whilst it has been nice for her you are not obliged to continue. If she flies off the handle in anger all the more reason to bin her off. You deserve to feel safe and loved.

Best of luck OP. You 💯 deserve better ❤️

Sounds like you have a cocklodger.

Why dud you start this thread if you are not going to take any of the good advice you have been given on here. I'm sorry to say you are asking to be taken for an ATM. Wake up woman and get rid.

Trouble is the longer you do it without saying anything it has just become the norm that you do it. Just cut back and certainly mention to your DP that your finances have changed.

And she keeps reverting from saying she to they. It's confusing and unnecessary. Perhaps the partner is non-binary but we don't care and she doesn't know about this thread so the OP shouldn't worry about misgendering her. She just should have referred to her as she from the beginning and said 'I'm now in a same sex relationship.' Job done.

Anway, NB or not, she's been now been diagnosed as ND (of course she has, how topical) she has violent outbursts, is aggressive and volatile and is taking advantage of the OP's generous nature. The OP is basically buying affection and her girlfriend is taking advantage by encouraging her to extend this to every Tom, Dick and Harry in her social group. well, perhaps not Dick. Sounds like she's a non-binary fanny lodger and a piss taker. And not a terribly nice person to be around anyway.

You're well and truly being taken for a ride.

Your partners neuro diversity is no excuse and you aren't there to fix them or their entitlement. For your own mental health and for your children (why should they put up with this) you need to call it a day on this relationship.

Why don’t you start by explaining your short on cash and see what she says ?

So what exactly is this person bringing into relationship except for their fabulously volatile self?

She’s telling her friends you’re a doormat who will pay for everything - they are all mugging you off and laughing in your face OP.

Almost certainly, @Tiredbut

Stop paying for this stuff and start paying for counselling to manage your anxiety and the financial behaviour that it's causing. That should have been your priority, not paying for her ND assessment.

You need help to get out of this pattern and stop yourself being used taken for granted by their woman and her friends.

So is she not materialistic to the point she is oblivious she is not contributing? I don't think is right for her to make the assumption you are happy to pay for everything and to treat her friends and family too, unless it ha been discussed and this last episode was a one off?

Seriously, OP, you need to extricate yourself from the relationship. She sounds awful, highly strung, volatile, violent, freeloader, lazy. You are not responsible for her, or her freeloading friends. She'll drag you down and your children will suffer, even if they never meet her.

Just tell her it's not working for you and move on. The longer you leave it, the more enmeshed you'll become and chances are you will see her violent side. Just think of the amazing holiday you could have had with your kids if you hadn't thrown away in excess of £10grand (£10fuckinggrand) on this woman who is using you.

I’m finding this very difficult to read.
OP you are being exploited financially and manipulated emotionally.
You say you have a therapist. Have you discussed this situation with them? It sounds like you need to do some intensive work around boundaries and self worth as you seem to be accepting of this very poor behaviour from your partner.

You may not see it, but this isn't a relationship. These are freeloaders.

STOP paying for anything. At all. No more spending a penny on them as they owe you huge amounts.

Be assertive. Tell them it's about time THEY contributed and they can cook or pay.

I bet they drop you and disappear!

ThI’m s.

They know exactly what they are doing.

This is not a good or healthy relationship. You should end it.

I haven't read all the replies but like everyone else can see that she is using you. Have you spoke to your therapist about this specifically? I think they would suggest the same thing.

On a very practical level I would start keeping something like a couple of packs of pasta and jars of pasta bake sauce in a cupboard at home.

If people turn up unexpectedly then you can say “I’m having pasta bake for dinner, would you like to join me?” That’s then their choice. If they start talking about takeout you can say “I’m not having takeout tonight but you can get something for yourself delivered here if you would like”.

Its totally fine to say “I can’t afford to pay for anyone else’s holiday”, that’s a completely normal thing.

Your "girlfriend" is a manipulative prostitute, to put it bluntly.

Wow please get out of this “relationship”. Tell her you need to focus on your kids for now if you need an excuse - say they are having issues and you need to be there for them. This woman is a user. I’d never dream of acting like this with any partner. That and the temper and sulking as well - no way. Why would you want a relationship where there’s never a chance of the other person meeting your kids because of how that person is? That’s not got a future surely? Find a nice kind person who doesn’t take the piss out of you and don’t take a new partner on holiday or for meals out - 50/50 only.

Op has said in numerous posts its a female partner

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

Ofcourse they are. Sorry you need to wake up. Go back and read your posts on this thread. Shes a total freeloader and is now encouraging friends to do the same

If youre so sure they're neither materialistic or freeloading tell them the cash is gone, dont pay for anything at all and see how long she hangs around

Without wanting to sound cruel its your money shes after

I don't think there is potential. Not at all. 1.) They won't sort out their finances. 2) If they were the kind of person who could or would, they would be far more appreciative and careful of you and how much money you are spending. DH and i had very different financial situations when we met. I went to so much trouble to ensure I made as many contributions as I could, despite not earning half of what he earned at the time.

Try this: tell them you have no money right now and are skint until the end of the month. See how friendly they all are then.

Seriously, practice saying in a mirror, 'I can't pay this time. I can't afford it. Or, 'it's not my turn to pay. I don't have enough money to sub you all.' Or, 'I wish I could afford to treat you all again, but I can't.'

Say them again and again, into a mirror, until you totally accept it is the truth and feel comfortable saying it aloud.

Don't expect this to be easy. Just because you find it excruciatingly difficult to do this and never have before, doesn't mean you can't do it. You can, and you really have to, for the sake of your own financial situation, and also because you deserve friends and partners who don't financially abuse you. Being ND means you may need more practice, because it can be extra-hard to navigate the social expectations of others. But extra-hard is not impossible. And you really deserve a partner and friends who are just as happy hanging out with you over a glass of tap water, if that's all everyone can afford.