I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

Of course, your partner and friends are very unreasonable to exploit you to this extent, but unfortunately, you are (a bit) unreasonable too, as you went along with it. I think it's a huge and excellent step for you to have posted here, to work towards a solution!

You said in your opening post you were in therapy to work on your spending etc. I think the first thing to explore with your therapist is how to say no/not immediately jump in with cash and treats in situations like this.

Wishing you loads of luck and strength

Please stop paying for everything.
Be honest with your DP and say 'my circumstances have changed and I can't afford XYZ at the moment'.
Prioritise your bills for now.
If your DP ends the relationship then they are shallow and its clear they are using you for cash and nothing else.
x

OP this is super simple. This person is not a good partner. She is not a good person to be around. You need to end it.

Factual not tactful - this

I think in a relationship like this, it's easy to feel responsible for the DP's welfare, particularly making them feel "cared for" which can easily get set into a pattern of taking care of them financially.

Some people are just a bottomless pit, like a black hole in space, you can go on forever feeding into their chasm of need and it will never, ever be enough.

You can get hooked on trying to help repair what you perceive as damage from neglect/deprivation, but it doesn't work. All that happens is that you exhaust yourself completely, financially and emotionally. These people are very good at playing the victim card, and by continuing the relationship you are just helping to reinforce this dysfunctional approach to life.

Now married to someone who had the most deprived/neglected childhood imaginable, but does he use that as a ticket to freeloading? No. Not everyone is stupid and selfish. Some people are resilient and generous.

The interesting thing is why we let ourselves be trapped into one-way giving giving giving relationships, and the answer is: because at some level, no one has ever done that for us, and we desperately crave it so try to do it for someone else. But you must learn to do it for yourself, OP. Taking care of #1 (and your children!) is your primary responsibility in life. Never too late to start. And don't be guilt-tripped into thinking you are a bad person for neglecting your parasite. A loving relationship does not involve the exploitation you describe.

You mention worrying that you will feel you've "love-bombed" her if you now blow colder instead of hot. No, you haven't love-bombed anyone - you have made a huge effort to make the relationship work, with someone wired up to make life as difficult as possible (and not just financially). Her tactics will be abusive: "How dare you do B when you used to do A" - but this is nonsense. It's perfectly normal for feelings to change in a relationship and enthusiam to wane. If you feel you have to "excuse" your way out of this one: You're too expensive to run. I have to walk on tiptoes around your volatile emotions. Life is too short to share with someone who keeps bringing you down.

With regards to your family I would send the folllwing whatsapp

Hi all - sorry for the group message. I’ve been doing my accounts (freelance life involves a lot of that!) and I regret to say that the good times may not be over, but I definitely need to tighten my belt a bit. It has been my pleasure to treat you all for meals out, takeaways etc in recent months but as I look through my spending I can see I’ve let my love of spoiling people get the better of me. If anyone fancies returning the favour let me know! No, just joking. But all meals out / takeaways will be split in the ordinary way from now on. Have a great weekend x

Cut back on the amount you see your gf, have your meals before you meet them. Tell them you've eaten so you're not getting food in and you're off drink for a month or two. I'd say they will go off you unfortunately. This does not sound like a relationship, they are leeching off you and still owe 15k to an ex.

Ignore the hints, you don't have the money to spend. Who is going to pay your bills when you've been fleeced by your gf? If they cared about you they wouldn't be spending all your money.

Think of how nice an equal relationship might be and stop seeing this person. If you're afraid of their reaction, that is not a loving relationship.

You are a victim of financial abuse.

This person and all their hangers-on have smelled a source of money.

Imagine a flock of vultures scenting a carcase. They will flap around peck peck peck until it's picked clean - then off they'll go in search of the next one.

Or imagine a nest of vampires smelling blood. Suck, suck, suck.

As soon as you are broke, they will vanish.

And as a person with a disability you are suffering additional abuse. They sense that you are vulnerable, that you don't have the personal resources to cope with abusers.

The perfect victim - cash + vulnerability.

I hope these will help:

https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/talk-money/financial-abuse-spotting-the-signs-and-leaving-safely

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-need-ongoing-support/

Meanwhile - change those locks, write that email setting out the situation (we'll help you) and take control over your future.

This person is conning you. Their behaviour is completely manipulative.

Wake up. The stories sound like total rubbish.

You're tying yourself up in knots thinking about the feelings of people that just see you as a resource to exploit. Who cares what they think or how they feel?

Change the locks and block them all.

OP the first thing is that this sounds like it may be a coercive and controlling relationship. People can manipulate without violence.

I suggest Women's Aid may be useful.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

And going forward, once you've got your finances sorted, I suggest you budget for a therapist to look into why you have such low self esteem. You can learn to be more assertive.

If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t

There
They/She has given you Permission to stop . As you cannot find it in yourself to cut this freeloader off ( what is the female equivalent of a CockLodger ?) has said to you "Don't Do It" (ok they said it in spite , but take it ! )

You are paying for their time . Not a healthy relationship and exploitative in both directions .
They are taking money/gifts for their company
You are paying .

You really do not need this person in your life .

I feel like I have read a similar thread to this a few months ago, partner refuses to work, lives with family until OPs kids are with their Dad, is emotionally manipulating and incredibly lazy… OP didn’t want to end the relationship until after an August holiday.

If this is the same person, the only person who can make a change is you OP, all the advice in the world won’t help until you decide enough is enough. And that should be today!

Op are you taking the piss?! You are clearly being taken for a massive ride and you seem to want to be blind to this. Surely it's better to be alone than in a situation like this.

Sorry, OP, but you are truly, royally, being taken for a mug.

I suspect it will be painful to stop it - partner won’t be seen for dust - but anyone like that absolutely isn’t worth hanging on to.

6 months.

£10k not including holidays.

Paying for a ND assessment.

Already issues that she makes "last for weeks".

It is ALWAYS an option to end the relationship. You need to do so now and if you have £10k spare over the next 6 months, spend some on a good therapist to work out why you have allowed this to happen.

You know she's not going to make you happy. You just wish that wasn't true, and it makes you feel guilty to prioritise your own feelings. It's not about the money, but in a practical level, of course it matters a great deal. I would discuss with her all the behaviours that are not acceptable to you. If she refuses to accept anything and does not seek to improve, you're absolutely entitled to end it. It's not blindsiding her, it's reality, and you won't be the first. Also, change the locks...

How did you meet, OP? How entangled in your life is your partner?

Boundaries! Starting with an iron-clad one around your bank account. If you can't stop yourself spending money when you're around this person then start there. Tell her you're sorry but you can't see her again until you've recouped your finances.

What the flying f#ck are you doing with this man or woman (you don't say which), and the extended family? You already know the answer. They can't believe their luck, I bet you, because you've become a cash register/wishing well on legs combo. Get so far away to f#ck from this lot, please.

💯

Yes - start to tell someone face to face. This “partner” is a wrong'un, and you don’t have to put up with it or make any more allowances.

Do you have a therapist? If not I'd suggest allocating your takeaway money there could help bring you a lot of clarity quite quickly. You seem to have a real white knight thing going on, that's its your job to fix this broken person and you'd be bad if you didn't, but you're in a very new relationship which seems more like a parent and child dynamic (one cares for, enables and runs around after the other) than partners (equals where you both have responsibilities for yourselves and others). Nothing you've said suggests this relationship is going to be anything but drama and chaos, long term you know you won't be in it and in the short time you've been together you've basically subsidised them to the tune of national minimum wage just in money, let alone your time. They money is a symptom of their entitlement and lack of respect for you in other areas you mention, it's not the only problem you mention.

OP are you in counselling for your self esteem?

why do you ignore or doubt your own intuition?

of course this isn’t fair.

if you don’t want to break up with her yourself - I would just say you aren’t in a position to pay for everything from now on. When you’re no longer funding her food and board, see if she steps up or runs off to find another sucker.

maybe being cheated out of money by her ex has given her an “eat or be eaten” mindset in relation to her relationships. Not your problem. You deserve a loving, respectful, equal relationship. This ain’t it.

you have had many options presented to you and they are all correct, get rid of this free loader and their family/friends and use the money you are wasting to get yourself some decent therapy to improve your self worth, self esteem and work out why you are such a people pleaser who wont stand up for themself.

Reframe your spending by all means, but reframe what you are willing to accept in a relationship, especially one of only 6 months. If this was a man he would be called a cocklodger - allbeit a part time one. Its pretty disgusting behaviour all round

Oh come on OP, if this were one of your friends what would you say?