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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

467 replies

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 21:58

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

OP posts:
mycatismyworld · 19/07/2025 12:57

I'm ND OP but that doesn't define me. I'm not a mug and I wouldn't let anyone get away with these awful people's behaviour.
It isn't your place or duty to provide for these disingenuous freeloaders.

Aimeeeeee · 19/07/2025 12:54

Under no circumstance should you be paying everything for your partner, let alone her family and friends! Absolute CF of the highest order. They’re taking you for a complete ride. Tell her you’ve been hit with a massive tax bill, you’re in financial ruin, and see how long she hangs about.

Also, her trauma is not your responsibility. You didn’t giver her it, and you don’t owe her anything.

TammyJones · 19/07/2025 12:51

DustyMaiden · 19/07/2025 12:34

Don’t end the relationship, end the spending. See if the relationship survives.

It won’t.
Is that what you’re scared of @Tiredbut?
You can’t buy love ….

TammyJones · 19/07/2025 12:50

LeftieRightsHoarder · 18/07/2025 23:30

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

OP, has she said she’s not materialistic? that she despises materialism and the bourgeois lifestyle, or anything like that?

Because her behaviour is materialistic, and her freeloading friends are materialistic, and she brings them to leech off you materialistically. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck, you know it’s a duck…

She and her gang are classic exploitative freeloaders, who would drop you like a piece of shit if you had no money. She sounds nasty in other ways too.

I hope you find the confidence to tell her this isn’t working for you. Or start by taking @BestZebbie ‘s advice! Do it for your DC if not for yourself.

Not RTFT but I’ve read all the OP.
This woman is AWFUL
She’s taking @Tiredbut for EVERYTHING she can.
The second you run out of money @Tiredbut She. Will. Be. Gone.

iseethembloom · 19/07/2025 12:48

Does he even have genuine feelings for you?

If he loved you or even cared, he would not treat you this way.

Does he have a job?

Beachtastic · 19/07/2025 12:47

niadainud · 19/07/2025 12:40

Right, but two women who are together are basically in a lesbian relationship, aren't they?

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It's just labels, but "lesbian" is used to mean someone who would never be drawn to sexual relations with a male.

niadainud · 19/07/2025 12:40

Beachtastic · 19/07/2025 12:34

She's bi

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Right, but two women who are together are basically in a lesbian relationship, aren't they?

DustyMaiden · 19/07/2025 12:34

Don’t end the relationship, end the spending. See if the relationship survives.

Beachtastic · 19/07/2025 12:34

niadainud · 19/07/2025 12:28

Eh? You're going to have to explain that one for me!

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She's bi

Beachtastic · 19/07/2025 12:34

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

This is how she would describe your generosity to others, if you held her accountable for it (which you won't because it's better to draw a line under it and move on with your life).

niadainud · 19/07/2025 12:28

SunnieShine · 19/07/2025 12:17

She's not a lesbian, neither is the other woman

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Eh? You're going to have to explain that one for me!

SunnieShine · 19/07/2025 12:17

niadainud · 18/07/2025 23:24

Are all lesbians this volatile? Sorry, I know that sounds a bit rude, but I've read about similar situations on MN so many times now. (Not that the men people post about are much better...)

She's not a lesbian, neither is the other woman

BogRollBOGOF · 19/07/2025 12:11

You're not going to fix her; she'll just bleed you dry financially and emotionally then move on to her next victim.

Dump her and block her promptly then "fix" yourself.

Buying relationships like this will never build your self esteem because deep down you'll always know that the foundations of the relationship are wrong.

Put yourself and your children first. Only give what you can spare after those needs and that security is fulfilled.

Healthy relationships are those where there is mutual respect, trust, communucation and being comfortable to be yourself.

EggnogNoggin · 19/07/2025 12:08

Yabu to expect that the world is going to treat you well and that you can abdicate yourself of responsibility for managing your own life (by not using your voice).

Cathandkin · 19/07/2025 12:08

DiggingHoles · 19/07/2025 12:07

Is this guy really ND or just saying he is so he can take advantage of those who are. This happens, sadly.

I would just break it off. He is an asshole either way.

It's a woman, but the same applies.

DiggingHoles · 19/07/2025 12:07

Is this guy really ND or just saying he is so he can take advantage of those who are. This happens, sadly.

I would just break it off. He is an asshole either way.

Cathandkin · 19/07/2025 12:05

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/07/2025 11:22

No, the OP doesn’t need to ‘use her words’ - she needs to speak plainly! In plain English!

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Exactly! Plain and direct.

billycat321 · 19/07/2025 12:02

Next time partner turns up with friends, just offer a cup of tea and a biscuit. I anyone says 'How about a takeaway?' just say 'How kind of you to offer. Mine's a curry'. Then dump the lot of them and certainly don't pay for other people's holidays. Promise yourself that you wont be taken for a mug ever again like I was

askmenow · 19/07/2025 11:36

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:09

The 10k doesn’t include the holidays actually.

and yes my kids don’t want for a thing between me and my ex, however the last fortnight I’ve found myself with no cash for them for the first time ever. It’s given me a wake up call.

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

So you say they're not materialistic but they're " bigging themselves up on your dollar"
If you don't get mad on your own behalf then get angry on behalf of your kids.

Perhaps that anger will give you the impetus to ditch this freeloader.

Neemie · 19/07/2025 11:33

You are buying affection. People who do this get exploited by people like your partner. It is up to you to decide if you think the short term fun/companionship is worth the long term financial difficulties.

4forksache · 19/07/2025 11:27

This is so tangled I don’t know where to start. The family and friends issues are the least of your problems

The relationship is so dysfunctional and unhealthy that you need to end the relationship and get counselling so that your next relationship is based on respect, equality and trust - non of which are present in this one.

None of her behaviour is ok, and it isn’t ok that you can’t say that you can’t afford to keep doing this and even if you could it isn’t right.

Please, please have some counselling. On your own so that you can finish this one and have a respectful, healthy, future relationship

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 19/07/2025 11:22

SquishyGloopyBum · 18/07/2025 22:07

of course you can go back from this. But you need to use your words.

what does your partner bring to your life other than expense and stress?

why do you feel you can’t say anything?

you have been together 6months and spent £10k including 2 hols? And now you are not paying your bills?

you are being used and you are shortchanging your own future and your kids future too.

you need to say no.

No, the OP doesn’t need to ‘use her words’ - she needs to speak plainly! In plain English!

Cathandkin · 19/07/2025 11:20

I'm guessing that she's a lot younger than you? She sounds unable to regulate her emotions.
Do not send her and her family any craven, apologetic and cringeworthy messages. They're exploiting you financially.
You're going to have to get help and advice about why you have entered into such a relationship.
I think you need to end it, and learn how to change for the future.

Ahsheeit · 19/07/2025 11:16

You know that you can't fix her, right? People pleasing and appeasement can be so ingrained when you're Nd, due to your own past traumas of wanting to be liked and loved in a world that you don't understand and doesn't understand you.

She knows your vulnerabilities and she's using them. She knows that you'll back down as you struggle with confrontation. She knows exactly how to manipulate you into doing what she wants and will guilt trip you until you cave in, making you think that you're the one in the wrong.

You need to end this. You can do it. Do it by text and make sure your house is fully secure. Change the locks if she has a key. If she turns up and is aggressive or threatening, you can call the police. It's not wasting their time and it's not overreacting or being unreasonable.

End it and give yourself a more peaceful and happier life. You owe her nothing.