I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

She is taking the piss OP. You sound like a very kind person but there are limits.

I would tell them ASAP that you won't be covering a takeaway etc next time it's suggested, say that you are reining in your spending and saving for your future, if they don't like it, tough and proves they aren't genuine friends

OP, children learn values from their parents , as they set them examples . I know they have't met the freeloader yet but what will they think when they do and see how you let and her friends her take, take, take ?

They will think it's normal and surely you don't want them to think that .

If you think anything of your children , get shot of this woman . It doesn't matter if it causes her to shout and scream , it'll only happen the once .

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

I would love to hear the ex boyfriends side of the story. Maybe he lent her money he wants it back. The story does not add up at all.

This is another style of cocklodging, which OP basically means you are being used as a cash cow by not only your DP but also all her friends and family. I can guarantee if the money dries up you will not see any of them for dust (sorry if that sounds harsh). Maybe test that theory out...

She might be ND but that is no excuse for bullying, aggression and manipulation which is what she is doing. It is just an excuse. Would you treat a partner like this? Would you like one of your DC to be in a relationship like this one?

So... she's basically doing the same thing to you now that her boyfriend was doing to her? Is this sort of a thing where she unconsciously feels that there is karma that she should get back from you the money she gave to him? It's not your responsibility to "even out" the injustices in her world, especially if it's at the expense of your own children's futures. You have a responsibility to look after your children but no responsibility to look after this grown woman to whom you are not related.

Why would you not say that you have less money? Are you scared partner will leave if you do so?

If yes. Please end this relationship. Love yourself.

Agree.

Why is ending the relationship not an option? It sounds like you’re too scared to be alone so you’re letting yourself be exploited. Your low self esteem isn’t going to improve if you keep treating yourself like this. Say no next time. What’s the worst that can happen? That they leave you and you know for certain all you were was a cash cow??

You’re a doormat. Stop letting people wipe their feet on you.

Change the locks.
Put up a ring camera doorbell so you can see who's there and ignore.
Change all your passwords.
Text her the breakup so you don't back down.
Be brutal, you have to protect yourself physically and financially.

If you really can't face getting rid of her, which would be my advice, tell her that you have been spending above your means and are going to have to seriously economise. Then STOP subsidising her.
If she becomes "volatile" about it tell her to leave.
I think, sadly she will disappear when the money dries up but you are seriously better off on your own than with someone who is treating you like this.
Concentrate on yourself and your kids for a while and I hope you will eventually meet someone who treats you better.
It doesn't matter that this person has abandonment issues or is ND they are still abusing your kindness and it will have a knock on effect on your children.
For their sake if not your own stop this.
People tell me that I am not very assertive but I would have no hesitation in telling her that enough is enough.

You need to get rid of these people from your life. You're being exploited. When you next go out do what the others are doing. Don't feel pressured into buying food, drinks, accommodation. You have bills to pay too

If you find it difficult to be assertive I would orchestrate some kind of financial red alert from a third party.

If your bank offers a financial review or you can get one elsewhere, tell them everything and use their response to tell your partner it can't continue. 'Had a financial review with the bank today and they've raised concerns about my spending being unsustainable and I will struggle to remortgage my house'. Or 'debit card got declined today and I was shocked to see how much I've spent'. 'Pension advisor said I'm going to struggle in retirement unless I significantly increase my contributions and I can't do this with current spending'.

If they don't respect this you know where you stand and need to be firm for you and your kids' futures.

I know you said you paid for your partner to be diagnosed (I assume ADHD) but some of what you mentioned sounds like possible borderline personality disorder symptoms.

But whole friendship groups coming round for meal and wine or getting a meal out is taking the piss and shows a total lack of respect for you.

Good luck.

Your post reads so bizarrely. It's like you think you don't have agency. Even the title - I've become a human ATM - you're not a machine whose buttons are being pressed, you're a person making choices!

I suspect there's shame at the heart of this, because otherwise the obvious solution is to a) speak up and b) change your actions.

For example - when people come round, tell them if you expect them to contribute food and drink beforehand. If you've not done so, suggest ordering a takeaway but only do so once you've explained to everyone that they'll all need to cover their share.

Don't do things with your partner that are too expensive for them to pay for and for you to cover. Tell them you can't afford it and you're going to need to make fun thrifty plans from now on together.

How is this so hard?!

I don’t think you owe her anything by putting her needs on abandonment above your own self preservation. You have helped her so so much and set her one the right path and she can access all the tools she needs to process everything she needs to- it sounds like she has a lot of issues with the volatility and it sounds like she needs to do this on her own. She is not dealing with her own issues and financil security whilst she is in a comfort zone with you looking after her every need. It’s not on you to fix her or feel guilty about ending a relationship that you appear to get very little out of.

If shes not ‘asking’ you to spend your money and it’s your decision then your lifestyles sound completely incompatible long term- you say she has potential to sort herself out financially but really, where is the incentive for her to do that if you bank roll her?

I also find it very hard to believe that a break up would come out of the blue- I think she knows exactly what is going on and the only thing she’d be surprised about would be it’s taken you so long to realise it yourself.

some people are only meant to be in our lives for a short time- this is a learning experience for you and an eye opener about where your boundaries should be - let this one go and move on wiser and happier.

Tell them you need to economise and don’t have much coming in at the moment. Then see how they react, stop suggesting expensive takeaways and holidays. If they bring friends round let the wine run out. They will either step up, tell you they are happy to do cheap nights in or they will disappear and then you will know where you really stand.

No more holidays with them too.

Twice in the first six months is way too much too soon.

Also stop being available all the time as a taxi driver.

And change your Amazon password etc to stop it being used by anyone else.

If you can’t bear the idea of a swift clean break then take small steps.

First make your home a LOT less attractive to all the ‘extra’ guests by not stocking alcohol. That’s quite an easy one to start with because you can claim to be doing dry August and then like it so much you keep going.

Offer guests a cup of tea and a plate of digestives and that’s it.

Do not buy takeaways or cook for them.

Then with your partner start talking about taking turns doing a food shop.

Then taking turns paying for dates.

Taking turns staying at each other’s place.

Sorry op didn’t know she was a she anyway please get rid of her. All her issues are nothing to do with you, she’s a grown woman. I had the same thing a few years ago with a man, and he drained me, only now like five years later I managed to pick myself up.

OP please STOP this ridiculous spending! You are being treated as a cash cow! Can you not see that? Tell them all to go away! They all sound very unpleasant. How long are you going to let this go on for? Give your head a wobble. You and your children may have unexpected serious need for something your money could buy but it has now been thrown away on these ghastly people.

Have you read Bleak House OP? Your partner reminds me of the character Harold Skimpole. He was a non materialistic freeloader.

I voted Yabu for the simple fact that you are allowing these freeloaders to take advantage. You’re treated how you allow yourself to be treated. I know it’s going to be hard but you have to cut ties with your partner - block his number and that of his family and friends and get rid of him.

If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

So if she kicks off when you explain your new budgeting plan, you remind her that she gave you permission.

Seriously though, this actually is on the way to cuckooing. If she was just expecting you to cover restaurant bills and takeaways for the two of you, it'd be cheeky enough. But to regularly bring her friends along too, to take advantage of you, is actually quite sinister. She'd clearly told them that you'd pay, because neither did what normal people do, and ask how much their share was.

very volatile all round really so it’s just not the time to address directly and/or consider ending it

When will the time be then, when you're bankrupt?

Tell her you're tightening your belt, planning future, there'll be no more spending.
You deserve so much better, a partner who respects your kind heart, instead of this parasite that mistakes kindness for weakness.