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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

467 replies

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 21:58

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:04

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

OP posts:
CaptainFuture · 18/07/2025 23:04

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:06

This isn’t a male partner I’m bi sexual.

their friends for sure saw me coming as there were comments early on about me being “boujie” and my car and house. I live week to week as I’m paid weekly freelancing so money is very much up and down. One week I’m rolling in it the next I’m broke.

I think they think I’m super rich

But that's how you'll come across. totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮
Over a grand and a half a month on hotels and restaurants??

Butterflyarms · 18/07/2025 23:03

Oh my gosh this is so toxic. They are taking the piss. Think of it like that and get angry, rather than that you have less money and are feeling embarrassed. Their entitlement is beyond!!

willowtree99 · 18/07/2025 23:01

I have a tendency to get into situations like this, usually trying to help someone through a sticky patch...but rather than sorting themselves out, they become more reliant and i feel more obliged.

In my case I think it stems from guilt over having money, low self esteem in that I feel I don't "deserve" it and childhood indoctrination that i should put others before myself.

The fact that you are now skint, is a personal wakeup call, but it's awful easy to blame someone else for taking the piss (which they are), while giving off a lot of signals that it's making you happy. Being the generous host and benevolent donor can give nice feels at least for a time...and then once that dynamic is set it can be very hard to change.

I'd look into your psychology around money - what it means to you, patterns that you can spot etc, people only take the piss if you let them, and getting good boundaries around money in place will protect you in future.

YourOnMute · 18/07/2025 23:01

So what if an ex owes her money? That's not a hugely unusual story from a broken relationship. It happens.
But what she is actually telling you is that she knows what it is liked to be owed, and she's making damn sure you're the one being rinsed now. Listen to that.
Seriously who in God's name rocks up to someone's house with friends and expect takeaway to be bought for everyone and wine to be provided?? Who sits at a birthday dinner, after bringing a friend, and expects the birthday girl to pay???
Would you do this? I certainly wouldn't.
And her default position is she makes you afraid to say anything.
Get rid of this horrible freeloader who doesn't CARE for you. Get rid, get rid, get rid. You will be 100% happier.
She is abusive, emotionally and financially.
I would be ASHAMED to expect a partner to pay for everything for me.
Get a friend to sit down with you and plan how you will do this. Even tell her in front of your friend to prevent her kicking off. Then block her from everything and have nothing to do with her. Please.

PricklyLikeCactus · 18/07/2025 23:01

Have you posted about her before? I feel like you might have done, and were told then that this relationship wasn’t good for you…

ColinCaterpillarsNo1Fan · 18/07/2025 23:00

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Do the online freedom programme and learn how to establish boundaries safely. As she's a volatile character, slowly introduce boundaries with the aim of ending the relationship.

If you see her twice a week then drop it to once a week, suggest going to hers instead of you hosting. When out at a restaurant ask the waiter to put the order on separate bills so you only pay for what you eat. Call her less and text her less so it's easier to end the relationship if you start phasing out contact.

Go through last month's statement & add up how much you've spent on socialising with her. Then transfer that amount immediately to a premium bonds account or a 90 day deposit account. It'll soon add up and you'll see how much you've been wasting on her.

thelakeisle · 18/07/2025 23:00

Here's what you should do - finish the relationship, be single for a long while, work on your self esteem and understanding of how abusive people operate.

Here's what I think you will do - stay.

It's not complex, no matter what is going on with her, though escaping might be a bit tricky.

You are making a choice to continue being abused. I am sorry for that, but nobody can help you if you keep making that choice. Good luck anyway, you sound like you will need it.

Cherrysoup · 18/07/2025 23:00

You’re being a mug. Cut her (and her friends, Jesus, the absolute cheek!) off.

TwistedWonder · 18/07/2025 22:59

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:52

No she would say well I didn’t ask you to so why are you trying to make me feel bad about it

once I said something along the lines of doing a lot, she kicked off and said I knew you’d throw all this in my face which is why I was reluctant to accept.

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

Show quote history

So you seriously believe this absolute freeloader was previously ‘forced’ into lending money to an ex?

Oh come on, you can’t genuinely believe this? She probably scrounged off of him til he reached breaking point and wanted his money back.

Sensitive about money - of course she is!! Unless it’s someone else money she’s ponsing then she forgets how ‘sensitive’ she is.

She really saw you coming - prioritise your kids ffs and still spending money that you should be using for them on this abuser and her band of merry hangers on.

TwattyMcFuckFace · 18/07/2025 22:56

Ok, so you've been in a relationship for 6 months and short of money for the last 9 - 12 months?

Why in God's name did you spend 10k on her then?

Are you really this desperate for a relationship?

BluntPlumHam · 18/07/2025 22:56

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:03

thanks for the responses. I guess Nobody here can solve my financial recklessness, or my (if I dig deep) low self worth. There’s tons of red flags but I just can’t seem to contemplate ending it. There is potential if their finances were sorted out (which there is scope for). It’s not currently an option to end the relationship. It’s more a question of if/how I should say something about their family and friends

You are being financially abused. You need to protect your finances and get rid of him.

  1. make sure said person has zero access to your bank accounts or bank details/card details
  2. if they do have above, change them immediately.
  3. start to move larger portion of money k to a savers account (that they know nothing about) and massively reduce your expenditure to what is a necessity only on a monthly basis.
  4. Tell partner you’re having money trouble and you can no longer spend x y z on what you were before.
  5. Once they realise you have no money to offer they will most likely leave on their own accord.
Original poster
Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:55

NImumconfused · 18/07/2025 22:54

It doesn't matter what her issues are, or what has happened to her in the past, you're not responsible for any of that - you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

You sound scared of her, and that should never be the case in a relationship. She sounds like she brings nothing but stress and financial strain to your life. She offers you no support. Are there any positives at all?

I’m scared of most people to be honest! I hate conflict I’m a worrier and have crippling anxiety. I’ve been a “what-if” person my whole life

OP posts:
NImumconfused · 18/07/2025 22:54

It doesn't matter what her issues are, or what has happened to her in the past, you're not responsible for any of that - you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

You sound scared of her, and that should never be the case in a relationship. She sounds like she brings nothing but stress and financial strain to your life. She offers you no support. Are there any positives at all?

ChaToilLeam · 18/07/2025 22:54

Jesus, you have a freeloader on your hands who already has form. Put a stop to it right away, let her rant, let her kick off - it will demonstrate very clearly what's more important to her than- your feelings or your wallet.

Original poster
Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:54

TwattyMcFuckFace · 18/07/2025 22:53

OP, you don't have to answer of course but I'm going to give it one more shot.

How long have you been together?

sorry if you’ve missed it. 6 months

OP posts:
plasticbookcars · 18/07/2025 22:53

OP, the first time you stand up to this lot will be the hardest but honestly, you’ll feel so proud of yourself. And from there it’ll get easier. The next time they expect you to pay for a meal, just ask for the bill, pay what you owe and pass it round so they can pay for their own. You will feel SO good when you do it!

Original poster
Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:53

Apologies for that drop feed btw! But I do actually believe her to an extent (not sure the whole amount but I’ve saw messages of pressure). Ultimately she didn’t have to accept I guess.

OP posts:
TwattyMcFuckFace · 18/07/2025 22:53

OP, you don't have to answer of course but I'm going to give it one more shot.

How long have you been together?

Original poster
Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:52

Renamed · 18/07/2025 22:47

So if you said to this woman “look, I can’t keep subsidising you. It’s leaving me without enough for my kids”, she would go apeshit, sulk, argue that you should pay for her - and her family, and her friends? She’s not a partner. She’s not a good person.

No she would say well I didn’t ask you to so why are you trying to make me feel bad about it

once I said something along the lines of doing a lot, she kicked off and said I knew you’d throw all this in my face which is why I was reluctant to accept.

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

OP posts:
LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/07/2025 22:52

There doesn’t need to be a big shown down if you don’t end the relationship, but instead close down the atm, i’m sure she’ll be off to find a new victim. You deserve better than having your kindness taken advantage of.

Thepossibility · 18/07/2025 22:49

You shouldn't feel awkward, you should be furious. You are being used! Tell her the money is all gone and mean it. FFS.

Thalia31 · 18/07/2025 22:49

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 21:58

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

Seriously you can’t be this desperate for love. He definitely saw you coming.

Delphiniumandlupins · 18/07/2025 22:48

they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

So simply say you don't want to do it any more. There doesn't have to be any fuss or drama. Call her bluff.

TwistedWonder · 18/07/2025 22:47

Ffs you have kids!!! Every single penny this freeloading cunt is rinsing you for is literally taking food out of their mouths

Get some self respect ffs and put your kids first

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