Page 13 | I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

Tiredbut · 2025-07-18T20:58:16+00:00

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money. I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things. ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years. the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them. 3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall. it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮) they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t. I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on. AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

pasturesgreen · 18/07/2025 23:24

OP, you say it's not currently an option to end the relationship, but I promise you your partner will scarper faster than you can say "freeloading user" the moment you stop the cash flow.

Edited to add: you're literally taking money out of your kids mouths to spend on a person you've been together with for 6 months. Have a good hard think about that.

TY78910 · 18/07/2025 23:22

10K!!!!!!!!

Finteq · 18/07/2025 23:22

But can't you just say you haven't got any money.

Get your money and put it into an account you can't easily access- bond or something.

Then you haven't actually got any money to spend in them and it doesn't matter what emotional blackmail they use.

Or out it into an ISA for your kid.

Put a small amount away so you don't waste it on them of you feel like you can't trust yourself.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 18/07/2025 23:19

BestZebbie · 18/07/2025 22:42

I think you should tell them excitedly that in August you are planning to try out this great new gratitude activity you have heard about called "spend nothing month" where you only pay for your essential medical needs, housing and utility/insurance/tax bills, transport to/from work only, and food/hygiene item shops of basic/value ingredients (you are allowed to use up store cupboard items and use possessions that you already own however you want though).

Then do it! (you don't want to lie)

I predict that there will be much anger, criticism, mocking, trying to pretend they think you are joking, and sadness from your (freeloading) partner, which will demonstrate to you that they are in fact not a team player willing to try a cool new thing out with you for one month, but a leech.

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This is a brilliant idea!

MyQuirkyTraybake · 18/07/2025 23:19

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:06

This isn’t a male partner I’m bi sexual.

their friends for sure saw me coming as there were comments early on about me being “boujie” and my car and house. I live week to week as I’m paid weekly freelancing so money is very much up and down. One week I’m rolling in it the next I’m broke.

I think they think I’m super rich

Tell them you have no money. Just be honest. That will resolve the situation. Your "d"p will be off. She has no intentions of getting a job lol

Dweetfidilove · 18/07/2025 23:17

YABU for dating them instead of me. I promise not to bring any extra moochers to the table - just good ol' me 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Finteq · 18/07/2025 23:16

YABU for not standing.up.for.youself.

Britneyfan · 18/07/2025 23:14

OP as a pp said, she is not rude, she is abusive. She is doing this on purpose not by accident, it is calculated behaviour.

lennonj · 18/07/2025 23:14

Stop going out to restaurants, stop ordering takeaways, don’t order and wait for everyone to pay their share as they are not going to, you’ll get embarrassed and pay so just don’t put yourself in that situation. Tell her you are skint and struggling to pay bills so you need to change your spending and lifestyle. No holidays, weekends away. No expensive food shopping.
This isn’t enough though, you need to end the relationship, you don’t owe her anything, you can’t make her past better by spending money on her. You will get yourself into serious debt. Come clean now to her and say you can’t afford this lifestyle. As she’s defensive, don’t put anything on her, make it about you; you can’t keep spending on food, takeaways, hotels etc. So you are cutting down.

Renamed · 18/07/2025 23:13

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:52

No she would say well I didn’t ask you to so why are you trying to make me feel bad about it

once I said something along the lines of doing a lot, she kicked off and said I knew you’d throw all this in my face which is why I was reluctant to accept.

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

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So she would make out you engineered the situation to make her feel bad?

OP do you love this person, or just feel in some way beholden and protective? She is not really coming across as mature enough to be in an adult relationship

TwattyMcFuckFace · 18/07/2025 23:13

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:04

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

You've tried desperately to come across as richer than you are by the sound of it.

Yes, she's a freeloader but why did you feel the need to splash £10k on her in the first place?

FluffykinsTheFerociousFeralFelineFury · 18/07/2025 23:12

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:52

No she would say well I didn’t ask you to so why are you trying to make me feel bad about it

once I said something along the lines of doing a lot, she kicked off and said I knew you’d throw all this in my face which is why I was reluctant to accept.

shes apparently never loaned money but owes an ex boyfriend (also bisexual) circa 15k and has sensitivities around money as she feels she was exploited into loaning that money in that situation and the ex was forceful and insisting that she joined in on the activities amounting to 15k. She didn’t want to be with him romantically apparently.

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And how exactly is that your fault, or your problem?

YourOnMute · 18/07/2025 23:12

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:04

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

Yes she should. There never should be the expectation that you pay for everybody - including her.
Please listen to me and stop trying to rationalise her behaviour. DUMP HER.
ring a true friend and tell them everything and ask them to help you get rid of her from your life.
You will end up with nothing.
I'm worried that your continual posts where you muse over her behaviour indicate that you may stay with this abuse. You need to find your anger.

AngryBookworm · 18/07/2025 23:12

Others have said it perfectly. You are in a situation that needs to end. The big red flag is that you don't feel able to rein in your spending and feel that you couldn't break up with them even if you wanted to.

It sounds like you've been working really well on your spending and finances in other areas - well done! - so I would try to reframe it, for yourself and for her, as you being more financially responsible.

Hold the boundary on finances - set a treat budget for yourself and her, ensuring there's money for bills and kids (which may mean a small treat budget at first! You'll both love). Be open about what that was and when it's gone, it's gone. If she kicks off, she can kick off. She won't be emotionally traumatised because you can't buy her friends a takeaway. Offer emotional support but not financial. How she responds to that will tell you a lot about her.

Beeinalily · 18/07/2025 23:10

Could you tell her that you're having some financial problems, and ask for her help working out a budget? Hopefully the penny would drop.

Winter2020 · 18/07/2025 23:09

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:17

Friends and family have been invited a few times. It’s quickly became the norm. The first time I was equally annoyed for the same reasons. I’d forgot about that until just now! 9 bottles of wine (!!!!) which I don’t buy mega cheap stuff. And grazing table paid for by a professional and didn’t get a thank you then either.

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I'm trying to work out if your partner is "taking" or having things thrown at her? Professional grazing table? That's something I can only imagine at a proper party like a Christening or when everyone chips in like a hen do. I'm wondering if you are trying to appear very wealthy and impress people? 9 bottles of wine?!

Does your partner believe you are very wealthy?

You are living week to week and missing bills ! If people visit you should put the kettle on and if you're feeling generous open a packet of biscuits.

Why don't you tell your partner the truth - that you are skint, missing bills and need to stop spending? That doesn't mean breaking up unless they only liked your money.

You're skint, their skint - just go for walks with some sandwiches, or watch tv with a supermarket pizza. Get your partner to pay her share. But I wonder if you like the finer things OP and are not willing to?

You have said that your partners finances could be sorted. I'm guessing you mean that she could get a job now she has a better understanding of herself. She is not going to be able to get to grips with her finances if you both want a champagne lifestyle on a lemonade budget is she? You are doing neither her nor yourself any favours.

I'm getting the impression that your lavish spending pre-dates this relationship?

testest · 18/07/2025 23:09

Op - is this your/her first same-sex relationship? I’m wondering why there’s such a power imbalance between you. I hope you manage to find your voice and get rid of her. She’s sounds bad news all round.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 18/07/2025 23:08

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:04

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

It’s beyond rude but most people’s friends and family wouldn’t dream of behaving this way. That suggests she has said something to them which has left them confident in their piss taking.

TwistedWonder · 18/07/2025 23:08

thelakeisle · 18/07/2025 23:06

Everyone has already told you to dump her. She's not rude, she's abusive. So, are you going to dump her or keep being abused?

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Agree. She’s telling her friends you’re a doormat who will pay for everything - they are all mugging you off and laughing in your face OP.

She’s not ‘rude’ she’s an abuser who has targeted you to bankroll her and her circles lifestyle.

What are you so desperate to cling to this freeloader that your self respect is in the gutter?

You need to read and reread every post on this thread because right now you’re not listening

BUMCHEESE · 18/07/2025 23:08

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:04

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

It's incredibly rude, disrespectful and wrong. It's an absolute piss take. It makes me sad that your self esteem is so low you allow it.

YOU MATTER! YOU DESERVE A SAY! YOU DON'T OWE THEM ANYTHING! YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE THINGS!

Britneyfan · 18/07/2025 23:08

NImumconfused · 18/07/2025 22:54

It doesn't matter what her issues are, or what has happened to her in the past, you're not responsible for any of that - you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

You sound scared of her, and that should never be the case in a relationship. She sounds like she brings nothing but stress and financial strain to your life. She offers you no support. Are there any positives at all?

OP I really agree with this! And I agree you sound scared of her/intimidated by her. Initially after reading your first post I thought perhaps this is just a tricky situation of how to manage very different income levels in a relationship but having read all your posts I think there are multiple red flags for domestic abuse/coercive control and not just the financial type, though it sounds like this is her primary method of control over you right now.

Please do take everyone here saying the same thing seriously. 10K is a LOT of money especially if it doesn’t even include the holidays. You sound like a loving generous kind caring person and you do not deserve to be treated like this. I slightly hate that “you teach people how to treat you” saying as I find it a bit victim-blamey, but there is certainly some truth in it. You have to put some better boundaries in place here, and as others have said I suspect when you do she will leave of her own accord. I like the idea of the “no/low-spend month” (or maybe make it a year!) But if you want to break up with her sooner, you can of course, I want to remind you that you absolutely can break up with anybody at any time for any reason.

I would seriously recommend speaking to Women’s Aid or similar about all of this.

EnjoyingTheArmoire · 18/07/2025 23:07

I suspect she owes the ex boyfriend 15k as she sponged off him too.

This situation is actually INSANE to me.

10k+ in 6mths with someonr who Lives with you pt, treats you and your home like crap, and adds nothing at all to your life.

You deserve so much better than this.

All of the reasons you've given not to end it are things that will make you feel unconfortable. Just bite the bullet, sooner rather than later.

PolyVagalNerve · 18/07/2025 23:07

Oh wow, your DP is hard work / freeloading/. Cheeky fucker
you must be worth so much more than this …
break free, live a happier life, meet someone who can treat you well like you deserve !!!

Newmumburnout · 18/07/2025 23:07

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:04

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

It sounds like she has told her friends and family to come and get free stuff from you. She is financially abusing you OP On purpose, it's not an accident

thelakeisle · 18/07/2025 23:06

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:04

I know it’s a seperate issue my spending with her. It’s the friend thing that I’m wound up about. I’ve actually just sat and thought about how many occasions I’ve paid for takeaways or meals out with 2 particular friends. It’s not even a mention of the bill it’s just as if OF COURSE tired will pay we might as well leave. Siblings have a cheek too. But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

Everyone has already told you to dump her. She's not rude, she's abusive. So, are you going to dump her or keep being abused?