I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

can you name one good thing you are getting from this relationship

OP have you posted about this relationship before? Only I seem to remember a very similar post, and believe a lot of people told you to get rid of this woman then.

I suggest you stop spending money on her, her mates, family, etc. and tell her that you have bills to pay, and need to save in order to pay for therapy to help YOU deal with some things. If she asks what things, then just say, it's personal, I don't want to talk about it, that's why I need therapy. If you don't feel you can cope with saying that to her, perhaps you could tell her that you need to pay for the kids to have therapy after the marriage break up. Either way, book a good therapist, and get them to help you get to the bottom of why you are so scared of standing up for yourself, and all the other anxieties that you have, as you can't continue to go through life like this.

You really DO need to get rid of this woman though, she definitely IS a FREELOADER, in spite of what you're telling yourself, and is encouraging her mates to fleece you for what they can get too. Tell her that you don't want anyone coming to the house anymore, as you're struggling to cope. You don't have to tell her what you're struggling to cope with. Just try withdrawing from her a bit, if she wants to go out, let her, but don't take her or pick her up. If she doesn't like it, tough. Stop running around after her, she's not one of your kids, and it sounds like you've been treating her like some stroppy teenager, rather than a partner.

Does she work, or is there some ready excuse for why she can't? Where does she live when she's not living at yours, and who pays for her then?

Above all, stop putting up with her temper tantrums!! You don't need to live like this, she is abusing you, we wouldn't expect you to put up with this from a man, and you shouldn't put up with it from a woman either. As a matter of interest, is this your first relationship with a woman? Sorry for so many questions, but I'm sure we'd all like to help, as you do sound incredibly out of your depth.

@Tiredbut, you mentioned upthread that you’ll start out strong but ‘they’ll hint & you’ll cave’. You can prepare for this, as others have said. Understand why you cave, and find strategies to stay firm in the face of the hints. Be determined not to spend that money. It’s yours! They are not entitled to expect you to pay for them. You’re not being tight/mean/unfriendly - they are, expecting you to pay for them when they never reciprocate!
And don’t fall for the ‘ok, we’ll get the next one if you get this one’ trick - no, it’s multiply definitely their turn! Good luck

This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship, definitely not just your spending you need to address but your relationship and their social group.

In all honesty, it's way too much drama and too much generosity for a 6 month relationship. 10k plus holidays in 6 months? She saw you coming a mile away!

One of the most empowering things I did was to decline an invitation from friends and say, really sorry, but money is tight at the moment. That seemed to open the door for friends to express the same. Everyone has been tight on funds at some point and totally understands. It's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Next time she arrives with a posse expecting food and alcohol say great, but it will have to be on you guys this time. If they press say you've had a quiet week with work and need what funds you do have for bills and the kids. You'll quickly see what happens and I don't think she will step up.

I’ve voted YABU because you can stop spending money on them. What you are spending is ridiculous. And if your partner and her hangers-on don’t like it then you end it.

Ooohhhh, I had one like this. For 6 bloody years!!!!!!!!!!

I got iinto hiding things like nice cereal because when he came to the house, he stripped it bare. I felt awful about this, a proper mean old cow.

A few months into the relationship, he insisted on going to a restaurant for a meal. It was all going to be on him, so I let myself get talked into it as I could never afford to eat out.

When the bill came, he just waited for me to pay it.

Like you, I would hack myself to pieces rather than confront someone, but I really felt something needed to be said so I spoke to him (carefully!) about it when we got home. He went off into a sulking rage, saying "You think I'm a worthless piece of shit" and somehow the whole "conversation" from then on was all about me trying to reassure him that I didn't think he was a bad person. (Childhood damage, etc etc)

He once gave me a bunch of flowers, but with the words "You won't believe what I spent on these."

Let me tell you, you can't fix this sort of chip on the shoulder. It just gets worse. They will always see you have "more than them" and therefore expect you to cascade wealth down to them, even though you don't have any.

He actually had more disposable income than I did, but I had a place of my own (with a mortgage I struggled to afford) so obviously was a rich bitch.

In one argument, I remember him saying "I think you'll find you worry a lot more about money than I do" - like I was some kind of greedy tight-arse, when the reverse was true.

You can't win this game OP. Don't let it go on because every time they shit all over you, your own sel-esteem shrivels. It's no way to live. And not everyone is a selfish twat. Go out and find someone kind.

What do you mean "It’s not currently an option to end the relationship. " ??
Why not?

You need to be prepared for when you feel put on the spot.

When someone says they are hungry etc you say “I don’t have much in, please feel free to order something”, “xxx deliver here if you fancy that”. You can say, “I’m not feeling like I need to eat right now, but please order for yourselves” when someone else starts ordering, you can say “actually, I might have xxx, what do I owe you for that” then you are only paying your share.

If you go out for food, when you ask for the bill say “how many cards are we splitting this on” or “is anyone paying cash or are we all paying by card?”

Don’t stock up on supplies for them, shop for a few days at a time for now and hide away your wine. When they want to come over say “oh I don’t have any xxx here, could you pick some up on your way, thanks so much”

Do some role plays in the mirror if you don’t have anyone you can actually practice with. Build your confidence to do this and you will be able to start actually doing it. After the first time, you’ll feel so proud and it will get so much easier each time.

Don’t beat yourself up, you’ve done the hard part by acknowledging this and admitting that you’re finding it hard. Now focus on building yourself up, you can do it.

I’m sorry you are being taken advantage of x

Jesus OP. Come on. Volatile and they’re ripping you off and taking you for an utter fool, and you claim you can’t end it? Why on earth would you have this person in your life? Log their volatility with the police, speak to women’s aid, get them the fuck out of your children’s home.

And I refuse to believe it isn’t impacting your children indirectly. You have no money left because of this using cunt.

I’ve come into this thread late, but seriously I could have pushed the ‘agree’ button to probably all of your replies! Please take note and make immediate changes.

Undeniably are being used, taken advantage of.
You are unappreciated by these takers, I’m sorry if this is harsh but you are the architect of your own situation.
‘No’ is a complete sentence.
If you cannot see that you continuing to give is going to cause you dire financial worries it’s very hard to advise.
Again….no is a complete sentence.

The more I read this, the worse it gets! You need to get out of this "relationship" now for your own sanity and safety. I've watched friends be taken advantage of in this way and it is so upsetting.
Get out whilst you can before it is too late.

Oh come on op... you need to end this ridiculous, toxic relationship!

You have no self respect and are setting a terrible example to your kids

You are being taken for a mug - walk away from these spongers.

But really shouldn’t she be the one saying to her friends and siblings that they should offer? It’s so rude

Yes, but you're not seeing this person clearly at all. She has no conscience about how she treats you and encourages her friends to exploit you. You're wondering why she doesn't behave like a decent person. Because she isn't one.

Separate this into strands and deal with them individually.
Current financial position, you say you have prioritised spending over bills. Are you up to date with rent or mortgage? If not that comes first, then debts to utility companies, then credit cards and consumer debt.
Ongoing spending needs to be controlled enough that it doesn’t become a major stressor. I love the suggestion of a gratitude month which I would follow up with a ‘decision’ to keep a reduced level of spend. Occasional treats are appreciated more. Take back control of what is spent, no one but you can use Amazon, Uber, Deliveroo etc. Change passwords if needs be. Healthy home cooked meals without fancy ingredients. Announce that you are doing no more holidays this year.
Obviously you will ask your dp to join you in this. Hopefully she will hate the idea and back off.
You should manage to save from all of this, spend some of it on therapy, enjoy the feeling of being more in control. Hopefully this will all contribute to her hangers on melting away.

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

OP, has she said she’s not materialistic? that she despises materialism and the bourgeois lifestyle, or anything like that?

Because her behaviour is materialistic, and her freeloading friends are materialistic, and she brings them to leech off you materialistically. If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and waddles like a duck, you know it’s a duck…

She and her gang are classic exploitative freeloaders, who would drop you like a piece of shit if you had no money. She sounds nasty in other ways too.

I hope you find the confidence to tell her this isn’t working for you. Or start by taking @BestZebbie ‘s advice! Do it for your DC if not for yourself.

If you’re dating the woman I work with, she knows she’s freeloading, is proud of it, and is trying to persuade her mates to join in as you’ll fund it all to keep her because you’re all in.

I hope you’re not all in.

Get shot before she starts asking for a card for your account so she can pick up stuff on the way to yours, plus anything else she needs… or wants.

Why the fuck are you with this parasite?

Why do they and their family have no money do they not work? I’ve had periods where I have been out of work and have told my friends I’m broke, I don't expect anyone to buy me drinks but I can only afford my own. I would never in a million years rock up to someones house and expect them to pay all the time, let alone with four other people! They are taking the piss and taking you for a ride.

I’m sorry but this is absolutely crazy behaviour and hopefully you can see it. Do you spend a lot on your children? If you do I would advise you break that habit before it’s too late, not always using money to show you care.

I noticed that since I’ve worked full time we’ve had more takeaways, more trips to Greggs, more likely to pop an item in the trolley for them at Tesco so I’m trying to reign that in. It isn’t good to get into frivolous habits and the treats aren’t treats, they become meaningless.

She moved in too quickly, can you tell her you don't want her staying at yours anymore. I think it's a great idea to go for a no spend year starting in August, when she and friends turn up say, 'whose turn is it to get the takeaway? There's some orange juice in the fridge if you want wine there's a Tesco express down the road '
Just make it very clear you are not paying for anything, see how long she sticks around.

I think you have low self esteem to let people treat you like this. Why not try therapy to try to unravel why you’re not able to put boundaries in place in this relationship at the detriment of your own children?

Are all lesbians this volatile? Sorry, I know that sounds a bit rude, but I've read about similar situations on MN so many times now. (Not that the men people post about are much better...)