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AIBU?

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Original poster

I’ve become a human ATM. No going back?

467 replies

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 21:58

Until recently, I’ve been comfortable with money.
I’ve been (quietly) short on funds for the last 9-12months. When I say short on funds I mean compared to usual. I’m not having to use a food bank or anything but I’m going without certain things.

ive always been extremely generous, and don’t ask for money for things. I host a lot and this has become a “thing” over the years.

the problem is I’m in a newish relationship and they are basically skint. I pay for everything - which is fine I guess as I knew what I was signing up for. However this has now extended to family and friends. I’m irked but I’m embarrassed to bring it up. I know people will say they should be embarrassed but I get second hand embarrassment easily, I’m ND (as are they) and I feel tight if I mention anything about money. They don’t know I’ve been struggling nor would I feel comfortable to tell them.

3 nights ago, new DP came around with their sister and 3 friends. All turned up empty handed as usual. I ordered takeaway (would usually cook or something) for all, multiple bottles of wine drank. All kicked back and enjoyed. Not one mention of contributing towards the takeaway or asking what it cost, not even a thank you that I recall.

it’s annoyed me. But I feel I can’t say anything. There was also a comment of me “taking” one of the friends on holiday (they are all invited but yet to book) I sincerely hope that’s not what’s been suggested. I’ve taken DP on 2 holidays in the 6 months we’ve been together. They have paid for 2 meals out (I totalled up what I’d spent on eating out and hotels in the last 6 months and it’s circa 10k 🤮)
they live with me when my kids are at their dads (we alternate weeks as they work away), living luxuriously tbh. Big shop at M&S, expensive meats from butchers, always buying movies off my Amazon, I’ll (off my own back) order gifts like bits and bobs or the odd clothing items. I’ve never had so much as a bunch of flowers. If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

I know I’m not strapped for cash, but I’m financially irresponsible (part of ND, I’m in therapy) and I’m really feeling the strain. I’m prioritising paying for things for DP over bills etc. because I’m too embarrassed to say my circumstances have changed! But the longer they don’t know I’m struggling the longer it will go on.

AIBU to be particularly pissed off by this latest encounter?

OP posts:
Muffinmam · 19/07/2025 07:34

When I was in my early 30’s I had a boyfriend. He owned his own house, I rented a room with housemates. I felt like every single time we went out together I was the one who was paying.

I brought it up once and he got shitty and he told me that he wasn’t on as much money as I thought he was. I apologised profusely and never bought it up again.

I later found out he was on double my income!! After we broke up I found I had so much extra money!! It was so noticeable. I would get to just before pay day (which was fort-nightly) and have hundreds of dollars left over. Usually I was in arrears. I was putting money on my credit card and accruing debt while I was with him.

I realised he was a user. He was always out for what he could get. I paid off my credit card and started dating someone else.

What I can’t understand is why you are choosing to spend money on this user instead of putting money away for your kids? I’m really struggling to understand that.

I have a child now and I would never finance a man. As it is my partner financially provides for the entire house. I couldn’t fathom being with a man who doesn’t provide - especially in this economy.

SquallyShowersLater · 19/07/2025 07:32

TwattyMcFuckFace · 18/07/2025 22:06

Why are you twisting yourself into a pretzil to describe this person without telling us their sex?

I mean it's unimportant, but mildly annoying.

I agree.

Zonder · 19/07/2025 07:27

NImumconfused · 18/07/2025 22:54

It doesn't matter what her issues are, or what has happened to her in the past, you're not responsible for any of that - you didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

You sound scared of her, and that should never be the case in a relationship. She sounds like she brings nothing but stress and financial strain to your life. She offers you no support. Are there any positives at all?

This. The only way to a better life is to remove the bad things.

heartsinvisiblefury · 19/07/2025 07:26

You are being used. You know you are being used. Don’t allow this to continue. Say the money has run out and they’ll move on. Think about the future of your children rather than this freeloader.

Happilyobtuse · 19/07/2025 07:10

Please don’t do this to yourself. It has only been 6 months, you deserve so much better! Everyone deserves a partner who genuinely cares about them and treats them with respect. Don’t sell yourself short, put your foot down with regards money and see if she will start contributing, if not please show her the door! Listen to Teddy swims, “The door”! Good luck!

vdbfamily · 19/07/2025 06:53

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 23:29

Guys in all seriousness I am taking on board your comments. I’m going to reframe my own way of spending and in turn what I’m willing to spend on others. Huge Thank you to you all! I have a lot to process

Just have a chat with her where you tell her you have realised that your spending is irresponsible and that you need to work on it. Say you plan to try and live on a budget and save every month.
You could use something like a Monzo account which allows you to set up different funds within the account for things like holidays, Christmas, general savings. You could have a socializing budget and a food shop budget and once it has all gone, you live on what is already in house. Ask her to help you stick to it.

WonderingWanda · 19/07/2025 06:27

You are 100% being taken for a ride as my dm would say. You need to end this relationship for your own good.

Middlechild3 · 19/07/2025 06:20

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:03

thanks for the responses. I guess Nobody here can solve my financial recklessness, or my (if I dig deep) low self worth. There’s tons of red flags but I just can’t seem to contemplate ending it. There is potential if their finances were sorted out (which there is scope for). It’s not currently an option to end the relationship. It’s more a question of if/how I should say something about their family and friends

You say you can't afford to pay for these things going forwards, and stop paying and buying things for your partner. It's an incredibly in unhealthy dynamic. You are buying a boyfriend.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/07/2025 06:18

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:36

No not physically but arguments get very heated very quick and it’s like talking to a brick wall she CANNOT see the other perspective. But she would say I’m like that (not aggressive but have a rude tone she says) so I guess it depends who’s telling the story.

has history of being physically aggressive on plenty of occasions but never in a relationship. She’s one of those people that see red I think. The smallest arguments can go on for weeks. I’m learning ways to say things are bothering me without causing an argument but it’s extremely difficult. I get blindsided by getting pulled up on a random afternoon about something I’ve said 5 days ago whilst doing something completely unrelated, then I’m naturally baffled by it getting brought up and my confusion is cause for a huge argument. And so on and so on.

Show quote history

Every single thing about your relationship sounds awful and abusive. You must be walking on egg shells the whole time. She doesn't seem to have any good points at all. She is spending all your money and is absolutely horrible to you. Staying in the relationship isn't going to change anything for the better. You will get poorer and poorer until you can't afford to buy the things you need for your children.

You need to seek advice from a domestic abuse charity and end the relationship, for the sake of your children if not for your own sake.

AnotherDayAnotherDog · 19/07/2025 06:17

You can say to the friends: Sorry guys I know you are used to me paying for everything, but I’ve run out of money and have to stop. You’re still welcome to come round but I’ll only be offering tea and biscuits from now on.
And something similar to DP.
The clearer you are the easier it will be. Don’t try to be tactful, just factual.

tooloololoo · 19/07/2025 06:17

You seem to have a self esteem issue and it’s clear that you buy people’s care/time

it will never end. You know you’re being exploited
get some boundaries and tell your partner to leave

Usernamenope · 19/07/2025 06:16

I've been in that situation where I've been the one to automatically pay as everyone expects it. Having kids put a stop to that. No one is going to get money off me that should be going to my kids. I should add this isn't in a stingey way - I pay my own way and am generous with gifts, but can't be letting anyone freeload of me any more. It feels like irresponsible parenting.

anyolddinosaur · 19/07/2025 06:11

Are you really taking comments on board? If so you will say I'm sorry I have no money left and you cant bring people here, I cant feed them. I'm having a no spend month starting now.

You need to get this leech out of your life now.

Miner4aHeartofGold · 19/07/2025 06:06

OP I can only tell you that I'm financially stable and am a generous person who gives more than most, but I wouldn't dream of buying takeouts and wine for four. It's all wrong. If they can't afford takeouts (as I couldn't, for many years) then they should make another plan for dinner. It's awful that they think someone else - you - will provide. It bothers me that you think you are only entitled to say no because you're running out of money. Say no anyway!

WhatTypeOfAnimaLIsSonic · 19/07/2025 06:02

Nothing particular to add, but I genuinely read this thread as, "I've become a human at the moment" and thought it was an AMA thread for some reason...

SassyAquaBear · 19/07/2025 05:59

If ever it’s came up in an argument they say well if you don’t want to do it then don’t.

Even she's telling you you're a mug. It's right there OP.

If you keep giving she'll keep taking. She won't refuse your generosity and she'll never step up and start paying her way.

tripleginandtonic · 19/07/2025 05:57

Psosugi · 18/07/2025 22:00

You are being financially exploited. Please seek help

No she's not. But she does need to stop buying things for people that she can't afford

Pizzagirly · 19/07/2025 05:40

You poor woman. She's a grifter and you are in the grip of financial abuse.
6 months? You don't know her from adam.

Please stop putting her financial exploitation ahead of your financial security.
This puts your children at risk.

End it now. You owe her nothing.
Sad thread.

bipbopdo · 19/07/2025 05:29

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:09

The 10k doesn’t include the holidays actually.

and yes my kids don’t want for a thing between me and my ex, however the last fortnight I’ve found myself with no cash for them for the first time ever. It’s given me a wake up call.

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

She is definitely freeloading. Healthy relationships are reciprocal. You don’t have to end it if you don’t want to, but you do need to pullback how much you’re spending on this person.

SassyAquaBear · 19/07/2025 05:27

They’re ND and only recently diagnosed privately through me at my cost
Of course you paid. No surprise there

I would also feel like a love bomber as they’d be blindsided by me ending it
You're working hard to justify not ending this.

given the life they have with me
6 months is barely a relationship, never mind a life.

SassyAquaBear · 19/07/2025 05:15

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:09

The 10k doesn’t include the holidays actually.

and yes my kids don’t want for a thing between me and my ex, however the last fortnight I’ve found myself with no cash for them for the first time ever. It’s given me a wake up call.

dp isn’t materialistic at all so I’m not sure they’re freeloading

Stop the luxuries and stop paying for everything else. If you don't think they're freeloading then you've nothing to worry about. Cutting off the supply won't make a difference.

Of course OP, you know exactly what will happen if you do that. This person is using you. When the money runs out - so will they.

Please end this ❤

Arlingtonchase · 19/07/2025 04:10

Sorry but you are being taken for a mug.

You need to put a stop to it immediately. Paying for food for your partner is reasonable if you’re happy to do it, but stop the clothes, presents etc. Definitely stop all the subsidising of his family and friends. If he objects, you'll have proof, sadly, of why he wants to be with you.

Bigcat25 · 19/07/2025 03:46

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:20

It’s complex. They’re ND and only recently diagnosed privately through me at my cost as I knew within weeks something wasn’t right. Helping each other in that way and would feel shitty to abandon somebody knowing traumas, abandonment issues etc. they are also generally very explosive so it wouldn’t be a clean break. I would also feel like a love bomber as they’d be blindsided by me ending it given the life they have with me

Show quote history

A love bomber assumes they are a decent partner operating in good faith. Your partner isn't this. You don't need to stay with someone who takes advantage and makes you miserable. I understand a lot of the spending is initiated by you, but still. There isn't gratitude or reciprocation in any way. This relationship is one sided.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 19/07/2025 03:30

Tiredbut · 18/07/2025 22:03

thanks for the responses. I guess Nobody here can solve my financial recklessness, or my (if I dig deep) low self worth. There’s tons of red flags but I just can’t seem to contemplate ending it. There is potential if their finances were sorted out (which there is scope for). It’s not currently an option to end the relationship. It’s more a question of if/how I should say something about their family and friends

Whether or not their is “scope” for improving finances, I couldn’t be with someone who happily exploits another person. Dump, from a great height.

Hecatoncheires · 19/07/2025 03:25

@Tiredbut How would you feel if this were one of your children? Would you want them to continue a financially abusive toxic and gaslighting relationship? What advice would you give them? If you wouldn’t want it for your children then why do you accept it for yourself? You deserve better. That £10k you’ve spent in the past 6 months could have been a full year of support for a child at university. Or driving lessons and a small car. Get rid of your horrible girlfriend (she’s NOT a partner) and spend the money on therapy instead.