Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

I agree with you for what it's worth, but would never have said anything. Not your place!

Sounds to me like she's fuming because she's realised, by the silence, that her step daughter doesn't actually want to call her Mum and she was likely hoping you'd be supportive of what she said so she feels a bit less daft.

She was massively out of order saying that to her step daughter without any discussion with her husband (and in this case out of order generally given the child has a mum fully active in her life) even if it was an option the child was to be given.

This is quite an over reaction!

@SpanThatWorld so your experience is different from mine. Does that make your experience right and mine wrong?

No, we've just had different experiences 🤷‍♀️

But you can have a conversation without offering an opinion. She could have said ‘how did you feel about it?’ or something like that. Someone telling you a piece of information isn’t an open invitation to tell them what they should or shouldn’t do about it.

She was fuming? Massive over reaction.

Mum, stepmum and teacher here. If she accidentally called her Mum, I find it a bit weird for her to jump in with a ‘it’s okay to call me mum if you want to’ response. I get called mum plenty by my SCs and students, and that would not be my first response as I am aware it is a slip of the tongue.

My SD has specifically asked periodically over the last 6 years if it would be okay to call me Mum/Mummy. I have always said ‘you have a mum, I think it’s fine for you to continue to call me ‘nickname’ because that is a name only my family use. But of course if you really want to call me mum then that’s okay too’. She normally calls me mummy for about an hour then forgets, and it crops up again 6 months later.

I don’t think you were being unreasonable in just saying your opinion to a friend. She’s overreacted but is clearly wanting SD to call her Mum so is feeling sensitive about it.

I don't think it's any of your business, and she didn't tell her to call her mum - the DSD called her mum and she said that if she wanted to use the term that was ok but not required. I think you overreacted and put your own interpretation on something, and she is rightly annoyed at your uncalled for comment - if she wanted your opinion she would have asked for it.

And now you are doubling down by posting it on the internet to get her trashed by everyone else because you are so very right. Great friend you are. Hopefully she'll read the post and find out that her friend is far from being a friend.

I don't think ur friend should have said that. No doubt it was a slip.of the tongue from her step daughter. Even though what your friend said was onli a suggestion, it's putting the child in an uncomfortable position in my opinion.

It became 'her bydiness' when her friend discussed it with her, it's how conversation works...

Not just kids
I often call my kids by the others name or their Dad's name and call the dog one of the kids names
My Grandma would sometimes go through a whole list of family members names before settling on the right one.

Exactly!!

It’s none of your business. I take the approach that people should offer advice if it’s asked for. She didn’t ask for your advice in this case so you should have kept your beak out.

Then don't invite your friend to comment by telling her what happened 🤷🏻‍♀️

Maybe your friend was just trying to reassure dsd that she’d did nothing wrong, but you were right. I agree, it also probably just slipped out, like calling your children the wrong name. Maybe also your friend realised she’d overstepped the mark and you mentioning it touched a raw nerve.

Yes, it’s none of your business.

I’m glad she told you you were bang out of order, as I don’t think plain old out of order conveys the severity of the situation.

It probably just slipped out like when kids accidentally call their teacher mum
She only sees your friend 3 out of 14 days and has a mum I doubt she intended to call your friend mum.

In a decent friendship you should be able to express an opinion without the other friend freaking out, especially as you have lived experience in this area. I would be annoyed that my friend had reacted this way to something which was just meant as friendly advice.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all, your friend only sees the child once a week and EOW so the child's mum is doing the majority of the childcare and has the role of 'mum', your friend should have let what was a slip of the tongue slide by without comment.
She definitely shouldn't encourage the child to call her mum, it's confusing and unnecessary.

Does she have her own children?

I think you are right regardless of the delivery. Your friend should have treated it the same way a teacher does. If the dsd starts referring to her as mum to her actual mum and says oh mum2 said i could call her mum, I think mum1 would have a few stern words to say to ‘mum2’.

I wouldn't have mentioned anything but I agree with you at this stage.

I've had several stepmums in the 55 years since my parents separated. I've been a stepmum for 27 of those years.

All of those relationships have been first name only. Same for all the stepmum relationships I know.

No Aunty, no special names and definitely no use of Mum for anyone who wasn't the primary caregiver.

She was the one who raised it so I don’t think you were out of order, especially since you can speak from experience. She’s probably stinging because her DSD didn’t respond and you’ve provided a supporting opinion as to why she might have felt awkward after what was clearly a slip up. I can see a pp mentioned you “waded into family life”. Hardly.

@SpanThatWorld maybe an old fashioned thing for children not to call adults who are not their parents just by their first names.

Doesn't have to be aunty, but she and her step daughter could agree a special name that step daughter calls her to signify the closeness of their relationship without step daughter calling her mum. The title of mum should be reserved for one person only.

You are completely in the right, OP. It would be so insensitive to the girl’s actual mother to encourage this (and not least because she’s the one doing the bulk of the childcare!).

I dont know anyone who calls their stepmum Aunty.