Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

Because hr friend told her about it? That's how conversations and friendships work.

But the point is that friend didn't.t need to say anything. Now the niece is going to feel that that is what her stepmother wants, and is going to feel conflicted and pressured about it.

She has apologised for upsetting her friend, that was in the first post

I never said she did tell her to call her Mum.

Yes you did.
"Well she is fuming with me, apparently she is entitled to tell DSD to to call her Mum and I am bang out of order."

It's extremely difficult territory. I would have stayed well clear.

I've been a step child. This would have been an absolutely awful conversation to have had to endure with my step mother.

It's bad enough having to deal with the dynamics of a new person in maybe both sets of parents lives and having to negotiate how much you can trust these new people and how much affection you have/do not have/want to show them/do not want to show and in addition, deal with another adult's expectations of how they wish this relationship to be, whilst knowing your biological parents may be hurt if you respond too affectionately or not affectionately enough etc etc to the SP.

To then to have made a cognitive slip in conversation and be secretly praying and hoping that the SP didn't notice, only for them to not only notice A LOT, but then horrifically bring it up in conversation later, thereby implying that yes, they've been thinking on it hard, and they're very much happy it happened and would be clearly pleased for you to give them a title that is associated with a level of affection you do not feel for them, and now you have opened a door you had no intention of opening, because you do not want to disappoint this person your parent loves, but now feel terribly guilty and confused about calling mum. And now you cannot even bring this up with your actual mum to work through these confusing matters without possibly causing a fallout (in my case it would have been WW3)

You absolutely said the right thing. It was at best an insensitive thing for your friend to do, (though I understand somewhat why she did it) and a very awkward position to put her DSD in.

*Spelling edit

I think children pick up and learn from their friends what to call people - it does not matter if they are related or not. Our GC call us Grandma and Grandad but on occasion GS will call Grandad by his first name because that is what he has heard around him. It doesn't mean that he is wrong - we are all known by several monikers, for myself I'm Grandma, Mum, Auntie, my RL name, sis, DH's nickname for me - none of them are wrong but can be gently corrected if needed. As in - I'm so and so's Auntie but you can call me Rainbow1901 - my great niece calls me Grandma because my sister is Grandma - we both answer to it so no harm done even if not technically correct. She will understand it eventually - but in the meantime maybe pour oil on trouble waters by encouraging your friends DSD when in conversation by addressing your friend to her as 'your mum or her RL name'. They are still in the early stages of blending families so there are bound to be hiccups.

DSD’s silence speaks volumes. Perhaps you should take a leaf from her book?

I’m with you it’s not her place to decide that. If sd asked to call her that it would be different. It sounded like a genuine mistake, where she said the wrong name. I think sd silence says a lot. I had a bf years ago whose mother liked to be called mum by his and his brothers gf no way was I going to do that as I had a mum. If sd mum had died or wasn’t involved maybe that would be different as she is young. The issue is she didn’t like your opinion but you didn’t tell her what to do you just said you didn’t think she should.

I agree with you and don't think your friend should be encouraging her SD to call her mum. She already has a mum!

But ... you have upset a friend unintentionally ... I would apologise for upsetting her.

Why did you think that had anything to do with you, and it was something you should comment on?

You're so unreasonable.

I actually agree with you. My niece accidentally calls me mum very so often. We both laugh and move on. I don’t tell her she can call me mum if she wants! It would be odd - my sister is her mum.

I am very close to her - have been in her life since birth, see her multiple times a week, and will always be in her life. Our relationship isn’t created by a marriage. But I am not her mum.

The step- mum can build to a strong and special relationship without claiming the mum titles - it’s not hers.

I've sometimes been called mum by friends of my kid. I mostly wouldnt tell them it's ok to do that or not ok to do that, I dont mention it. So I think your friend was wrong to say anything as it implies she'd like to be called mum.

I suppose it depends whether the girl was trying it out because she sees he that way or whether it was like eg how kids say it by mistake to their teacher because they see them so often and it just comes out. If it was the second it’ll possibly confuse things a lot and maybe even panic her so yes I agree- it was maybe something for another time not in that moment

Just because it's brought up in conversation, doesn't mean you have to give your opinion

Absolutely none of your business. How exactly does this affect you?

The friend mentioned it to the OP in a conversation & the OP, who is an experienced Step mum offered an opinion/advice.

The key word there is "friend". I often offer and receive advice from my friends in conversation, particularly close friends. It's part of friendship isn't it, otherwise you're just casual acquaintances talking about the weather?

And I don't see that the OP is discouraging the friend's relationship with the child, in fact, her comment was meant to safeguard & protect it because she herself knows how complicated it can be.

I think the pp who say this conversation touched a nerve for the friend are probably right because she seems to have over reacted to it.

You were right. You are friends, not colleagues or acquaintances, friends should be able to be honest with each other.

Her feelings are hurt because maybe she would like her SD to call her mum, but unfortunately for her, that's not appropriate. Now a special nick name just for her, perfectly fine. Kids slip up all the time, how many of us have called a teacher Mum once. It should have been ignored by your friend.

@PhilippaGeorgiou so her friend didn't want a conversation? She just want to make a statement and have a brief monologue about it? This woman just gets odder and odder.

An 8 year old suddenly calling her very part-time stepmum, mum. How uncomfortable for the poor child to even suggest it. The friend is weird and this is way beyond caring, it's creepy and overstepping boundaries. The position of mum isn't a vacant role she can just assume.

SD was quiet after the remark because it was so embarrassing not just her slip of the tongue but then your friends reply which would have been excruciatingly embarrassing

Rather than friends reply putting SD at ease she just turned herself into some desperate SM who has fantasies about replacing SD’s own mother.
Think your friend has done more harm to her relationship with SD and she doesn’t seem to understand how her comment would have come across.

I think saying it's ok if you call me mum is a huge misdemeanor. The child didn't respond so obviously it made her uncomfortable. The child is 8 and it sounds like this mistake hasn't happened before during the last 4 years and it definitely was just that, a mistake. I honestly think it's really creepy, she doesn't even live there 50/50. In this case it was perfectly valid for you to make your opinion known. Yuck.

YABVU. We hear so many awful stories of nasty bitches who despise their step kids, and there you are trying to discourage one from being loving. Butt out, you have no idea of the relationship between your friend and her stepdaughter. I say good on her for caring. I read a disgusting article in the Guardian yesterday where some selfish cnut was slagging off her five year old stepdaughter. If you don't want to effectively be a parent, don't marry someone who has kids.

While I do agree with you, I would probably have held back from offering it as unsolicited advice because I would feel that wasn't my place.

Maybe you could open up about it in future conversations about stepchildren, saying what yours call you and why.