Friend upset with me because I said her DSD shouldn't call her Mum

Agree, also who thinks things through that deeply during a conversation? That's like therapist talk.
People just react in.the moment and say stuff don't they?

OP has apologised,, probably wishes she has said it differently now but the friend is being unreasonable to take such offence at some well meaning and sound advice which ultimately came from a good place.

🙄🙄whatever.

what a formal way to look at a conversation with a good friend.

I agree with your point of view, and would also be tempted to say what you did, but actually it is better left unsaid and just let them get on with it.

Is your own bio dad ok with it? Are you close to your bio dad? Was he your main carer?

The biological mum needs to approve this as she is not missing from her daughter’s life, she is still her main carer and her mum. You’re being needlessly aggressive to OP.

Does your friend and the DSD's dad share a child together? My dsd (who was living with us ft), called me "mum" after her half-sibling was born. No amount of correcting her made any difference so I just let her call me it. She did say to me many years later that, by calling me "mum" as her sibling did, it made her feel like she was part of the "whole" family. Presumably at 8 years old your friend's dsd knows the difference between a "step-mum" and a "real mum" so to her it's just a word and it's not taking anything away from her mother.

👍🏻

As an 8 year old it's not confusing (she's not 2) it's just weird it was an accidental slip of the tongue. Ignoring or a jokey comment was all that was called for, not this batshittery.

but this thread is really about the friends reaction to being told it wasn't a goid idea to say 'you can call me Mum' to her step daughter. Which it wasn't. But niw ger friend is all pussy because the OP didn't tell her she was wonderful allowing/encouraging the child to call her mum 🙄🙇🏻‍♀️

You mean it was not her business to engage in a conversation and respond to a talking point her friend brought up because that's literally how a conversation works?

So your interactions consist of you bloviating and those around you nodding, or perhaps just smiling while sitting very still in case you decide to blow a gasket if they have thoughts and speak words you have not pre approved. Interesting way to view human interactions.

But if the friend isn't that close she should bring up things she doesn't want to discuss, but I suspect she only wanted the OP's opinion if it was to congratulate her on being so amazing! 🙄🙄

So do you just sit there mute as people talk to you??

🙄🙄

And as someone in the thread said, it very much sounds like the kid said this by accident and your friend pounced at the chance.

@cloudtreecarpet "Also - does the friend have her own children? I am getting the impression she doesn't which is perhaps why she was happy to encourage the SD to call her mum."
I think this sounds likely, in which case OP's friend really ought to listen to advice.

I agree with you. Assuming no cultural differences, then apart from situations where the actual mum has died or is abusive or neglectful, that's not appropriate.

I agree, I find it really odd the number of people saying you shouldn't say anything when it's a conversation between friends. Me & my friends would say this kind of thing to each other.

But the OP's friend didn't like it so maybe they don't have that kind of friendship or aren't that close?

Also - does the friend have her own children? I am getting the impression she doesn't which is perhaps why she was happy to encourage the SD to call her mum.

There's a big difference between not making a big deal out of one's SD accidentally calling one 'mum', and telling them they can do so if they want. It's not subtle or semantic; it's a blatant and mahoosive overstep. I've been a SD and as much as I've loved (yep, actually) both my step-mums, it would never have occurred to me to call either of them mum. They were referred to by first name by me even though younger siblings called them mum, as they were their mums. I had my own mum who would definitely would have been a bit put out.
My colleague calls her MIL 'mum' which I find equally weird. I'm sure a warmly intoned 'Irene' can convey just as much affection and respect as the term 'mum'.

can they come up with a special name for her, rather than mum? It has the potential to be confusing as she's only 8 and may cause upset to her mum.

I used to work in a secondary school as a teaching assistant and even teenage children sometimes called me "mum" by mistake!

We just used to laugh about it.

Bit of a different situation with OPs friend. She probably was flattered that her SD accidentally called her mum. It suggests they have a nice relationship but still don't think OP's friend should encourage it.

YABU. My step-dad has been Dad since he got engaged to my Mum. How they manage their relationship is none of your business.

OK to put it another way. @Pinkbobble86 was not being unreasonable with what she said to her friend.

But also, not being unreasonable to apologise.

I work in early years and get called mum several times a week lol. I favour saying ‘whoops Hahaa’ and they laugh too. It would made more sense for her to ignore it to save SD’s embarrassment or to laugh it off like I do.

I don’t think it’s right she said what she did.

I also don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, are friends not supposed to be honest and firm when needed? I know me and my friends are that for each other when necessary.

I have children whose dad has a partner. I would be devastated if they were being encouraged to use the term mum when it was clearly a slip of the tongue. SD has a mum, a very present resident parent one it sounds like.

This “none of your business” attitude on Mumsnet makes me really sad. It takes a village to raise a child and people with that attitude neglect to help when they could. It’s just awful

Disagree with those who say none of your business - she told you and usually friends will give advice and express opinions. I want my friends to do that.

The mum thing is tricky. As a mum I would be pretty gutted if my dc called another women mum. But then if the dc asked to and wanted to I would really struggle with going against their wishes too.

Overall though I think I agree with you.

Whether tou are wrong or right is largely irrelevant.
It sounds like a conversation between two friends who have a different point of view,which is,normal. Me and my frie ds disagree on some things, agree on others.
It sounds like an over reaction from your friends instead of her hearing you out and then her saying her point of view and then you both agreeing to disagree.

But the friend brought it up in conversation with the OP?